"What do you think of the beach?" Lexa asked, as the fresh breeze of Ocean air filled her nostrils. She stretched out her arm outside the car, and relaxed her body. "It smells amazing." She sighed.
"Nope," Clarke said as she focused on the road, Lexa pulled her arms back in and gave her best puppy eyed eyes.
"We are not having a beach wedding Lex and don't give me those eyes." She chuckled as she stole a glance from her fiancé, how lucky could she be, she got the girl, dream job as a successful writer and painter, friends she adored, life couldn't be more perfect
"Why not?"
"Because I've been to one and it's not as beautiful as they make it out to be on tv,"
Clarke had watched her parents wedding with shame and sympathy, her mother had spent months planning the perfect wedding, but the wind and sand had ruined all the food, the chairs were blown out, the guests were tired and cold, it wasn't her dream wedding, not even close and since that day she had vowed never to have a beach wedding, and not even puppy eyes could change her mind.
"Yeah, Abby and Jake right?" Lexa asked and Clarke nodded,
Clarke had never referred to her parents by their names but Lexa called everyone by their names, even her own parents Indra and Gustus she called them by their names. Clarke loved that Lexa was different from the rest, so far from the people she'd dated before, so differently perfect.
"Because I adore you, we could have it in a venue near the beach" Lexa spread her arms wide as she attacked Clarke with a hug, ignoring that she was driving.
"I love you." she sighed
"Let go," Clarke laughed as she attempted to peel Lexa's slender arms away from her stomach.
One moment there was ground under the wheels of her car, then it seemed to be flying due to empact caused by the other car, it had flipped so many times that Clarke had become disorientated before she even sustained the concussion that had her drifting in and out of consciousness.
She could see Lexa, laying on the other side of the road, her body still, but her eyes screaming for someone...then sirens...help...they were too late...the sirens...
Clarke jumped up and looked around. It was just a dream, a stupid dream and she was okay, she wasn't watching Lexa laying on the side of the road anymore, she wasn't watching the love of her life dying, she was safe in her home but oh God the way her heart was beating at the moment, her skin burning, the lack of oxygen was making her feel exactly the way she felt that day, helpless and alone.
She didn't mind them anymore, the nightmares, she was used to them, but at the same time they just made her panic, made her body go into a state of numbness.
He was gone, just as quick as he had arrived, They had both fallen asleep watching Gumball but then when she woke up she was alone, she had wanted him to stay, had wanted the company, sometimes the loneliness was just too much, but then people always had a way of letting her go, a way of taking the only thing keeping her alive.
That man had done that, He had taken Lexa away from her, and she couldn't imagine a life with someone else ever again, she didn't want it, she wanted Lexa back, she wanted her.
"Clarke, dammit open the freaking door." Clarke jumped up from her bed and ran towards the door, Raven stood outside peeking through the small lense as though she could see inside.
Clarke ran around her apartment in only her underwear and a shirt she'd probably been wearing for weeks.
"Clarke!" Raven banged louder on the door, "Open it or I'll blow it up."
Clarke grabbed the garbage bag full of all the vodka bottles she could round up and tossed them in an empty cupboard.
She rushed to the door and pulled it open, letting her impatient sister walk in like she owned the place." I've got groceries." Raven said, kissing Clarke's forehead as her eyes scanned the house.
"I don't see shit." Clarke replied, sitting down on her couch as she turned the tv on, "You've checked on me, can you go now."
"You don't have to be an asshole, we get it Clarke, she was your freaking North and South, but we all moved on, we all have battle scars. What's special about you? Mom is always worried that we'll find you dead."
"Abby Griffin gives a shit about nobody, but her freaking patients, tell her I said that."
"That's not fair and you know it"
"Fair, she couldn't save any of them, what kind of doctor is that. Lexa, my dad, Wells, even her own daughter. She failed Raven, that is what Abby is, a failure." Clarke spat, pulling a bottle from under the couch, before she could open it, Raven snatched it from her hands.
"Clarke please, let me help you, let mom and I help you."
"She's my mom." Clarke said, trying to hurt her adopted sister, at first Clarke hated Raven. She felt like Abby was trying to replace Josephine, her twin sister with her, but eventually she saw Raven as part of the family and loved her, realized that Raven would never allow it to be someone's replacement.
"She's my mom too." Raven said, shoving the bottle back in Clarke's arms, "I'll make sure to get Lillies at your funeral." She spat, getting up and walking to the door.
"Raven?" Clarke called after her, but Raven just kept walking, Clarke heard the engine start up and her sister drive away.
She had screwed up again.
She sighed as she went back to bed, taking two sleeping pills and drifting off into a peaceful sleep, she didn't dream, she was just sleeping. She had prayed for so many nights to fall asleep and never wake up, just cease to exist, but then she knew that would be selfish, she knew Abby and Raven wouldn't survive, they were barely coping with not being able to see her but Clarke didn't care, she was grieving, she was past all the stages and all she felt was numb.
Lexa was her life, her home.
Maybe if she had listened to Jake maybe all this wouldn't have happened, if she hadn't made a home out Lexa, maybe it wouldn't hurt this much.
Jake had told never to make homes out of people, he said that's how we lose ourselves, because you fill a home with love and care and make sure that the structure is stable, but humans aren't built to be stable, humans are the most unpredictable species and unlike a house, humans can leave and what then?
Another knock woke her from her slumber, she groaned as she made her way to the door, pulling it open, There stood Aden, the blonde haired boy from yesterday and a little girl at his side.
Clarke just stood there, taking them in, looking at their faces, observing every little detail about them, then her eyes caught the small backpacks on their backs, what had happened last night?
"You said we could come, last night. You don't remember do you?" Aden asked, his shoulders slowing going down and his smile fading.
But the little girl of about eight, she could have guessed, her smile didn't falter. Her golden hair, looked nothing like Aden's, it was dirty and untamed but nevertheless if it had work done would look amazing.
"Come in," She found herself opening her door wider, the two kids slowly made their way to the living room, Clarke behind them, What was she doing? Had she really invited them over and for how long?
"Why is you house so dirty?" The girl spoke and her voice was nothing compared to the way she looked, it was soft and angelic and Clarke just wanted to wrap her in a blanket and keep her there, away from the problems of the world, but the way the kids looked, she'd say they knew all too well about the struggles of life.
Clarke watched amused as Aden
knudged the girl with his elbow for the rude comment, but she didn't care, she knew her house was dirty and she didn't mind it at all.
"Are you hungry?" She asked and not waiting for an answer she went into the kitchen and made two ham sandwiches and went back to the living room, handing the food to the kids she sat down and watched as they raced to finish, it looked as though they were afraid someone would come and steal their food, it probably had happened before and she didn't blame them.
The kids finished their sandwiches and the girl, Clarke made a mental to ask her name after she was done making a second sandwich for her, Aden had refused another sandwich but when Clarke came back with two more plates, he digged in and devoured it.
"What's your name?" She asked, looking at the girl, she wanted to call her Goldie Locks, she reminded her of a story Jake used to read to her when she was a litte girl, that seemed so far away now.
"Lex." The girl replied
Clarke chocked on thin air. She couldn't, not another Lex, what were the chances?
She kept coughing, but a glass of water soothed her and she recovered. The kids had stopped eating now, just staring at her.
"Are you okay?" Aden asked.
"Yeah, yeah, The bathroom is at the end of the passage," Clarke's house was designed that the bathroom was the room that devided her four bedrooms into two sides parallel to each other, directly from the passege you walk into the kitchen and a small opening that leads to the dining room, the space they were currently occupying.
Clarke got up and walked off to her bedroom, closing and locking her door. She got under the covers and sobbed, sobbed for hours, she hadn't heard that name for more than four years now, she hadn't uttered it once and here she was, and she'd have to say it, she'd have to say her name and that couldn't happen, she wouldn't, not without breaking down.
After hours of tears streaming down her face she realized part of her tears came with the knowledge of the day it was, she had felt cried out, no more tears left and she drifted off into a peaceful slumber.
Waking up she stretched her limbs and made her way back into the living room, it was past six. Her sleeping habits hadn't shocked her, she was used to them, but maybe the kids would be worried but they barely knew her and she knew nothing about them either and she didn't want to mother them, she could just let them stay with her till they moved on.
Aden froze as he was about to take a spoonful of whatever was in his plate, but his sister continued eating.
"I'm sorry, I-I didn't know what to... She was hungry and- it won't happen again." Aden had looked completely frightened and stuttered as he tried to form an explanation.
Clarke didn't really understand why he was so worked up, she shrugged and asked if he had some left and he hurriedly pointed towards the kitchen.
She walked off, froze on the opening, her lower lip fell, her kitchen was clean, as in no dishes on the floor clean, no papers up to her ankles clean, she could see the colour of the cups boards and all the grocery that was on the counter was packed away.
She opened the cups boards and everything was neatly packed away, closing her mouth she made her way to the stove, she poured herself some of the soup and went back to the kids, and silently ate her food.
°°°°
I'm watching Fear The Walking Dead
What series are you currently watching at the moment?