I take a seat on one of the benches and sighed.
I thought about everything which happened recently.
I know what I did was wrong but I couldn't help it .. I needed to feel like i was in control to prevent anything unexpected and to know how to handle things by knowing enough information.
"What's with the sad face ?"
I look beside me and there was Jason , he had two orange juices . He offers one and I take it gulping it down .
"Slow down there " he chuckles.
"Was I wrong Jason?" I ask and look at him helplessly.
"You should have talked with him first bella , you can't just decide by yourself " Jason admits.
"But he didn't even give me a chance to " I sigh.
" it must be hard for him , I assume he's still in shock " Jason explains.
"He must not know what to do , and at the same time he doesn't want you to regret being with him " he continues.
"I feel like he's slipping away from my fingers and I'm just sitting here helpless " I declare and cry silently.
Jason takes a breathe out and takes a sip from his orange juice.
"Did you think this through bella? It's a huge turning point . Do you think you'll handle it? Did you think about yourself, because You never talked about how you feel about all of this , you're just busy trying to fix it ignoring the damage you're causing to yourself " Jason states.
"I don't know .. " I say surprising myself .
"I don't know what to expect or what to do .. I just know that I need to fix it " I finish.
"I just realized that we both .. Art and I depended on the word someday in our different ways without realizing.. that it was ruining our lives " I explain.
" I love him , and I can't let go of him. He's everywhere. I can't say someday He'll come back. I'm not going to lie to myself again " I cry out loud now accepting the pain that I was feeling , accepting that I'm in pain and it's not something that I can fix immediately.
"Bella .. take deep breaths " Jason says soothingly patting my shoulder.
"In my opinion , Someday is a beautiful word. it gives you hope and it motivates you to make it happen , you just use it wrongly." He continues.
"Maybe .. maybe we did " I chuckle.
"But I think I'll never be okay again" I sniffle looking at Jason.
"you can't decide when you're going to be okay. Because you don't exactly know when , and That's when you can say someday
Because someday you'll be." He answers . I smile at him for making me feel better and he smiles back knowingly.
"You know why did I come here to be a doctor ?" He asks.
"No .. you never told me " I frown.
"I came here wanting to understand life and death, and to conquer my fears .. because death terrified me." He articulates.
"In a second death took my whole family away.. so that's why I was terrified .. I was terrified of unexpected goodbyes "
"But then I fell in-love .. When I saw her laughing the kind of laugh which was like melody to my ears... somehow goodbyes didn't seem to scare me anymore " he smiles looking at me warmly.
"Each time I saw her she was life.. blooming in a special way which made me not fear death even if it was for a second " he laughs quietly.
"Who's that lucky lady who did this to you?" I question awed by his honesty and raw feelings that he suddenly exposed.
"I've always said that Someday I'll tell you about her " he pauses .
"I think that someday is today " he continues.
"It's you bella .. you were my first love " he finishes.
I blink a couple of times and laugh because I was surprised.
"No way" I say in disbelief.
"Yes .. yes way " he says his eyes fixed on me.
"Why didn't you tell me before ? Why now?" I ask curiously.
"I just couldn't do something about it ... I thought about it hard.. I preferred your friendship other than wanting something more" he concludes.
"Jason .. " I sigh happy that he finally told me.
"It's okay I'm okay. But I didn't tell you for free though , I wanted to prove a point here " he warns.
"That the word "someday" does exist. You just have to accept the fact that even when you're not ready now you'll be ready later on " he advises.
"Thank you Jason "
"I'm really thankful for having you " I smile.
"Anytime bella" he mentions.
I return home , after my conversation with Jason.
I open the door and I was welcomed by the loneliness scent again.
I climb up to my room and went to the bathroom and took a long hot shower to relax my bones.
I got out and changed into a comfy hoodie and a snuggly sweatpants . I reluctantly checked my phone, but again there was nothing.
I didn't want to be alone.
I called Lilly and she came as soon as she could.
I tell her all about it and she was just dumbfounded like me.
We were sitting on the bed under the covers.
"Wow .. for once I don't even know what to say" she confesses.
"It's just tiring and I'm feeling so empty " I exclaim .
"Still you're not the only victim here bella , not everything can go the way you want to, and not everyone can agree with what you decide to do, even if you think it's the best solution. You should have been more considerate " she scolds.
"I know .. " I sigh.
"Bella it must be hard for him .. you know ? He just figured out something about himself , and it's big " she says and gives me a side hug.
"But not to the extent .. to break up Lilly ! " I debate.
"I know .. just give him time and you have to give yourself time too. To process all this , so then you can come up with a desirable and reasonable reaction that satisfies both of you okay?" She says caressing my hair .
"Yeah okay " i say and take a tissue to blow my nose.
"Seriously you should stop blowing your nose , I can't see the bed anymore because of all these tissues " she scolds receiving a giggle from me.
We walked out of the room and went to the kitchen downstairs. Lilly went out of her way and made me vegetable soup.
Because I refused to cook or eat anything.
I sit on the counter and watched her cooking , she was a damsel in distress, and she made me laugh. I love the Lilly effect which she gives , it makes me better.
"Now We cut the last member of the vegetable family .. oh hi mr brócoli , want to get a new haircut?" She says holding him and hiding the knife behind her back .
"Yes? " she asks nicely the brócoli .
I cover my eyes with my hand and wait for what will happen next.
" THE ONLY THING THAT WE WILL CHOP IS YOUR GREEN HEAD! " She says and chops the poor brócoli into pieces.
"Are you done ?" I ask peeking through my hand.
"Yes , now that I murdered the vegetable family I will stir and put them in the soup and let them boil for 5 minutes ." She says cleaning after her.
"You know that you can be a good antagonist in a horror movie ?" I chuckle.
"Tonight will turn into a horror movie if you don't finish this soup " she warns and takes the tray and puts it in front of me.
"Yes I'll finish it all " I say nervously .
Lilly keeps checking her phone and I noticed that she was worried .
"Lil what's wrong , why are you fidgeting?" I ask .
"I have a date tonight .." she says looking at me shyly.
"Oh my god what are you waiting for ? go now ! " I rebuke .
"When will he pick you up?"
"About an hour later " she says panicking.
"But I don't want to leave you.. you're a mess " she says troubled .
"I'm fine , I'll be okay " I say not believing the words coming from my own mouth.
"No you're not , tyler was right. How are you fine when you're wearing the hoodie inside out !" She disapproves seeing right through me.
I sigh and look at my hoodie .. damn it .
"Just go please. I don't want Marco to find you here and think that you came to pick him up " I chuckle.
"Just call me and I'll be there no matter where I am okay?" She guarantees.
"Okay lil " I smile .
She heads out and I taste her soup. Wow this time lilly outplayed herself , I guess my cooking classes benefited her.
As I was finishing my soup , the door bell rang .
I got up lazily and opened the door to check who was it.
I stood speechless.. it was a great shock to me to see them here .
But this time I knew what to do. This time I didn't need a plan to be ready or to guide me through unexpected situations .
That's when I knew that I finally knew what was wrong with me , and how to deal with it.
But it didn't stop me from saying these words though.
"Oh my god .."