It has been about a month since I spent the night in Fred's bed. A month of feeling hopeless, of looking at myself with disgust. Something I have never truly experienced before until now. It was strange, but it feels as though the way I saw myself up until now has always been a lie. A lie I was telling myself that I needed to be treated better. Even though the reality was I didn't deserve to be treated nicely at all. Not by any man, and not by myself either. I have been avoiding practically everyone, but mostly Professor Snape... and Ron. Since Fred has graduated he doesn't have the best access to Hogwarts anymore and I haven't planned on leaving the castle anytime soon, so he has resorted to asking his little brother to keep tabs on me. Basically. It's just been a few awkward conversations between Ron and I. Him asking me how I am feeling and me saying "fine." Both Draco and Harry have shown their concerns in... strange ways. Draco has gifted me a set of earrings and apologized for making a scene that night. He told me that whenever I started feeling up to it I could talk to him. It was sweet, but so far I haven't taken him up on that offer. Harry, on the other hand, hasn't said much but every night he will sit next to me in the common room and read out loud. Almost as if he is reading me a bedtime story every night. In some ways, I do appreciate it. But most of the time I just feel like hiding, like their presence makes me feel... I don't know. I like I don't deserve them.
Honestly, the only person I have even remotely talked to about how I've been feeling has been Hermione. Though, surprisingly she hasn't pressured me to talk more. It almost seems like she knows how I'm feeling and is worried that if she asks questions I may just feel worse. Which isn't wrong. It's just... so unlike me. I feel different like I'm a different person now. Maybe my heart is just broken. Or maybe, I'm broken. Perhaps to the point where I can not fix myself. That's how it feels at least. Then again, maybe Hermonie can relate because of her relationship with Ron.
It's currently supper time. And for the last several weeks I haven't been joining my friends at the great hall to eat. Instead, I've decided to spend my time in the Gryffindor Common room. Away from all of their worrying, silent glances and far away from the cold piercing eyes of the Potions Professor. That is, I thought I was alone until I heard the soles of someone's shoes frantically making their way towards me.
"There you are (Y/n). For goodness sake, is this where you've been during supper all this time?" It was Ron. Staring over me as I sat on the sofa. Looking like he was a disappointed father, making me feel a bit weird about the way he was acting.
"Is there a problem, Ron?" I unfolded my legs stretching them out so now my feet were touching the carpet.
"There sure is a bloody problem." I stared at him not knowing what to say, so I didn't say anything.
"You're telling me you don't see anything wrong with your behavior?" His voice raised slightly, I have never seen Ron so worked up, it was strange and a bit unsettling to me.
"It's been weeks (Y/N). You've been barely speaking to anyone, You've been ignoring my brother AND Hermione. Not to mention you haven't been eating! Don't think no one hasn't noticed, it's obvious by your sunken cheeks." Ron Started pulling muffins out of the pocket of his robe, handing them over to me.
"Eat. Right now. And I am not leaving until you do." My eyes didn't waver from Ron's as I slowly took a bit of the chocolate chipped desert. The stocky, red-headed boy sat beside me, releasing a breath as he bit into another muffin he brought with him.
"What going on with you?" He spoke through a mouth full of bread.
"If my brother did something to upset you I promise, I'll kill him!" He took another big bite as his eyes widen with seriousness. I couldn't help but smile a bit.
"Your brother hasn't done anything... It's what I've done..."
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is... Ron... I haven't been dating your brother his whole time. Your brother was only helping me cover up who I was really with." Ron's face contorted as I spoke. He wasn't expecting to find out that we had lied to him. Already I could feel the guilt of my decisions rushing back over me.
"What... who were you?-"
"It doesn't matter. It was someone I shouldn't have been messing with and it was completely against my better judgment..." Ron sat up straighter as he set his half bitten muffin beside himself. Looking at me with eyes filled with confusion and curiosity.
"So... If you weren't dating my brother, then why is he acting frantic about you. He doesn't make it sound like you were 'just friends'". I swallowed, leaving my throat raw, really wishing I wasn't having this conversation.
"It's confusing Ron. I really don't want to-"
"Well, you're gonna talk about it. So don't stop now. Tell me what's going on (Y/n)." I looked at the ground, biting my lip as some tears welled in my eyes. I didn't want to say what I already knew out loud. It made it too real. But Ron didn't seem like he was giving me a choice.
"I uh... The thing is Ron. I have always liked Fredrick. But I never realized it or really understood that was how I felt towards him. Does that make sense?" Ron looked away from me for a moment as a dull expression filled his eye right before he nodded and looked at me once more.
"The thing is, I didn't really understand how Fred made me feel until I experienced something similar with someone else... And I know that sounds... horrible." Ron interrupted me for a moment.
"That's not horrible (Y/n). It's okay to have feelings... What else happened?" I released a breath not realizing that was something I needed to hear.
"I dated this person... I had been dating him since before Christmas, and during that time at your parents is when I started to realize those feelings I had for him. But I ignored them. I was in a relationship and at the time I was obsessed with him and making things work for us. All I ever wanted was for him to choose me before anything else. The way I was for him. It never seemed to be that way for him though. It felt like he constantly was choosing to leave and then I would have to beg him not to go... Then he left and I didn't allow him to come back when he asked me to be with him again... because by that time, I was over his games and I was starting to spend more time with Fredrick. That's when I started realizing that whenever I was around him... I was always scared... or crying or something big was always happening... but with Fred... I was just happy." It was silent for a while as Ron processed everything I was telling him. I could hear his breathing grow heavy as his brow furrowed.
"I don't understand. Why are you so sad then." A tear slipped from my eye as I quickly wiped it away. I looked over at Ron as I felt the water glaze over my iris.
"Because I can never give Fred what he deserves. He will always know he wasn't my first choice. And how can I put him through that when that's the only thing I have ever asked for. It's hypocritical of me and I hate myself for it." It was quiet for maybe three minutes before Ron decided to speak.
"That's what you want. To be someone's first choice. Maybe that's not what Fred wants. Have you ever thought that may not be important to him?" Ron patted my knee as he stood up.
"You should talk to him. He'd love to hear from you." Ron smiled.
"And finish your muffin" He pointed to the sweet in my hand before turning and making his way towards the boy's dormitories.
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