"Hey baby I was just talking about you. Let me put you on speaker with Richard." I was laughing at something Richard said. "Oh, the bank people even though they are a pain in the ass they really came through with the loan for the foundation." Alexander was still talking, "Baby why are you so quiet and did you just call me Alex?"
"Alex." Lilith's voice was quiet.
"In the 15 years we've been married you've never once called me Alex." I found it odd.
"I love you." Lilith said out of breath and I knew something was wrong.
"Where are you?" I was starting to panic.
"I'm outside the house. Kids are in the panic room." Lilith was trying to talk but having a hard time.
I picked up my phone and ran to the elevator. Damian was waiting out front for me since I was planning on leaving early anyway. He opened the door for me.
"Get me home now and call the house to find out what's going on." I told Damian. "Baby keep talking to me. What happened?"
"Christian." Lilith whispered.
"What about Christian? Is he there?" I asked her.
"He shot me and himself." Lilith was still whispering, "I love you."
"I love you too and you will be fine just keep talking to me ok." I was trying not to sound panicked, but I was. "Keep your eyes open and keep talking to me." I looked at Damian, "Get an ambulance to my house now."
"They are on their way. Sophia called them and she's going to check on Lilith and the kids." Damian reassured me.
"I remember the first time I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Thank you for loving me." Lilith took a short breath, "Thank you for this life you gave me."
"Don't you dare do that, you are not going to die, you are not going to leave me." The tears started to fall from my eyes. "I need you, the kids need you, so many people need you, so don't you even think about giving up."
"My beautifully imperfect perfect man." Lilith whispered, "you fixed me when I was broken. You showed me how to love when I didn't know how to, you gave me what I wanted more than anything in this world a family. Please keep talking I need to hear your voice." Lilith started to cry, 'I don't want to die alone."
"You're not going to die." I took a shaky breath then heard the sirens in the background on the phone, "you hear that? Helps coming and Sophia is coming to help you too."
"Lilith!" I heard Sophia cry out her name while I was still on the phone with Lilith.
"Check on the kids. They are in the panic room." Lilith told Sophia.
"No! Let Sophia stay with you." I told Lilith, "The kids are ok, you saved them."
"They're scared and they need you more than me right now, please Sophia go to them, I have Alex with me." Lilith insisted.
"Baby what are you doing? You need Sophia to help you now." I yelled at her.
"I don't want her to watch me die." Lilith whispered. "Thank you for the proposition."
"Lilith." I called her name through the phone, but she didn't answer. "Lilith please answer me." She still didn't say anything, "Baby don't leave me." I dropped the phone to the floor of the car, "Please God don't take her from me."
I picked the phone up after a few minutes and was just listening to the emergency personnel.
"This one is dead, self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head." I heard someone say about Christian. Good that son of a bitch is dead.
"Female bleeding out through the abdomen. Her pulse is very weak and reparation rate is low. We need to get her to the hospital." I heard another voice say about Lilith, thank God she's still alive. I heard some rustling through the phone then the phone went silent.
"Call Sophia and make sure the kids don't leave the panic room until I get there." I told Damian still in shock.
"I'm on the phone with her now and AC has been trying to call you." Damian told me, "I told her that you've been on the phone with his Mom."
"Let me talk to my son." I reached for Damian's phone because I didn't want to hang up my phone.
"Dad." AC cried into the phone, "I wanted to stay with her, but she wouldn't let me."
"I know AC. Your mom wanted to make sure you all were safe. I am going to come home to speak to the police. You know the way up to the main house from the panic room right." I asked him.
"Yes." AC sobbed.
"Get all the kids and Sophia upstairs to your room and do not look out the window do you understand me." I said sternly.
"Yes dad." AC answered.
"I love you son. I love all of you." I cried into the phone while my heart was breaking.
We pulled up to the house that was swarming with police and I got out of the car and saw the way my wife's car was blocking the door of the panic room.
"Hi, I'm detective O'Brien and this is detective Paul." They shook my hand, but my eyes kept going to the blood on the ground where my wife was before they took her to the hospital.
"My wife's still alive right?" I couldn't stop shaking. "I was on the phone with her and the paramedic said she had a pulse."
"Did she call you before she was shot or after?" One of the detectives asked me.
"After." I kept looking at the blood, "I should have been here."
"Do you know why your wife parked like that?" The detective asked pointing to her car.
"The panic room door is right there." I pointed to the car. "She had our kids with her, and Carmen's daughter is with my kids too." I answered. "There's normally a guard at the gate his name's Mark, I don't know where he is or even how Christian could have gotten in through the security gate."
They looked at each other before the Detective named O'Brien spoke. "He was shot in the head in the booth."
"Oh my God." I bent over holding my stomach feeling sick.
"You keep calling the suspect Christian, why?" Detective Paul asked, "He has no ID on him."
"His name is Christian Sinclair and he is my wife's abusive ex-husband. They have been divorced for 15 years and just 4 years ago my wife started a battered women's foundation and Christian's current wife Carmen ran away from him and my wife was helping her and her daughter. Their names are Carmen Sinclair and Katie Sinclair. Katie is here."
"Why is Katie here?" Detective Paul asked.
"Because she is friends with my kids and my son had a football game, so my wife took her to watch the game." I was starting to get aggravated, "I want to see my kids then go to my wife."
"We just have a few more questions." Detective Paul said.
"Jesus Christ, my kids are scared, and their mother was shot, and I want to see my family." I was yelling now, and Damian walked over to us.
"Sir, Carmen was supposed to teach the job placement course and she never showed up for it. She's not answering her door either." Damian said to me.
"You might want to send a cop over to the Angel Rose apartments in Manhattan to apartment 142. That's Christians wife's apartment." I told the detectives and they radioed in a well check to Carmen's apartment.
"Damian call John and have him go to the hospital. I don't want my wife being alone there." I told him, "Tell him I will be there shortly."
"Yes Sir." Damian said then picked up his phone to make the call.
"Can I see my kids now detectives?" I said sounding annoyed, but the tears wouldn't stop falling down my face.
"Yes Mr. Kane, we are going to head over to the hospital to check on your wife." Detective O'Brien said to me.
"Thank you." I said then turned towards my house.
I tried to calm myself the best that I could so that the kids wouldn't be frightened but it was hard because I was frightened myself. I walked into AC and Ashton's room and the kids ran to me crying and I fell on my knees and hugged them. I could have lost them all, I could have lost my whole family if my wife didn't get them into that panic room when she did.
"Where's mommy?" Sienna sobbed holding me.
"Mommy got hurt so she is in the hospital right now. I'm going to go see mommy in a few minutes." I told Sienna hugging her. "I just wanted to check on your guys first and make sure you are all okay."
"Why was Katie's father here? Why did he hurt mom?" AC was pacing angrily around his room. He pointed to Katie, "this is all your fault!"
"Calm down son this wasn't Katie's fault." I told AC.
AC started to walk towards Katie aggressively. I went to get up to defuse the situation, but Ashton got to her first. Ashton wrapped his arms around Katie protectively, "Back off AC." Ashton to AC.
Katie was sobbing on Ashton's shoulders, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She kept repeating.
"It's okay Katie this wasn't your fault." Ashton was still holding Katie.
Just then Damian came into the room and summoned me to come out to the hall with him. I let Sienna go and I looked at all the kids, "Sophia and Britney are going to watch you guys so I can go check on mommy." I got up and walked out the door.
In the hall Damian pulled me to the side before we left for the hospital, "They found Carmen's body in her apartment. He shot her in the head, she died instantly."
"Oh my God, I have to tell Katie." I was shocked.
"Sophia and I will tell her after I take you to the hospital. Lilith is still in surgery and you should be there when she come out." Damian informed me.
"You're right, let's go." I said to Damian while we walked down the stairs.
In the car all different scenarios was running through my head, why did I choose a meeting over being with my family? I should have been there. Lilith shouldn't have had to save our kids I should have. When we pulled up to the hospital I got out of the car and rushed inside. First person I saw was John.
"Any word on my wife's condition yet?" I asked John.
"She's still in surgery." John looked pale, "JT went to your house he wanted to check on Sienna."
"The kids were pretty shaken up about the whole situation, but they didn't see anything because Lilith had enough common sense to shield the panic room door from Christian. AC and Ashton got all the younger kids inside before anything happened." I told him and sat down in one of the waiting room chairs. I turned towards the door and saw Denise and Jackson walking in.
"Where is Lilith?" Denise asked with tears in her eyes.
"She's still in surgery." I answered as her and Jackson sat down. "I don't even know how he found our address." Then I looked up at Damian staring out the doors, "We need to inform Marks family before the press gets a hold of the story."
"The police already went over to his house to inform his wife of his death." Then Damian pointed outside "The reporters are already outside."
"Fucking vultures." I said under my breath, "Damian call Maxwell and have him set up the funeral arrangements for Carmen and have him contact Mark's wife Chrissy to let her know we will take care of the arrangements too." I looked down at my hands that were shaking, "When the investigation is finished at Angel Rose have Brent get Katie's things from there and have Sophia set up a room for Katie at the house."
"We'll take care of everything Sir just focus on Lilith right now." Damian insisted.
I turned to the hall and saw a doctor walking towards our direction, out of instinct I stood up to meet with him.
"How's my wife?" I asked him.
His face was grim, and his voice was soft when he spoke, "The bullet did a lot of damage to her internal organs and she lost a lot of blood."
"So, she's going to be in recovery for a while?" I asked him, "When can I see her?"
"Mr. Kane I'm so sorry to have to inform you..." He started to say.
"Don't you dare finish that sentence. I want to see my wife now!" Panic started to rise in my voice.
"Mr. Kane, she didn't make it." The doctor said in one breath.
With that one sentence my whole world came crumbling down and I heard sobbed from everyone in the room, but I wasn't ready to accept it.
"You're mistaken, my wife is a fighter, so you go back and check on her because she isn't dead." I was yelling at the doctor, "Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me my wife is dead." I started to approach him, and Damian grabbed me by the arm and put himself in-between me and the doctor. "My wife's not dead, My Lilith isn't dead." I kept pointing and yelling at the doctor.
"I'm really sorry Mr. Kane" The doctor said in a weak voice.
All of a sudden, my legs gave out and I couldn't breathe, "Lilith baby please don't leave me, God please don't let this be real." I kept repeating Lilith's name over and over as I was in a trance, Denise tried to hug me, but I got up and ran out of the hospital.
Damian followed me and we both avoided the press and I got into the car.
"Where do you want to go Alex?" Damian only ever uses my first name when he's not working and is just a friend.
"I want to be mind-numbing drunk that I can't feel anything." I spit out clenching my teeth shut.
"Are you sure? You don't really drink." Damian asked looking at me through the rearview mirror.
"I've never had a reason to get drunk and right now I want to not feel anything and hope when I wake up from this nightmare my Lilith will be next to me comforting me telling me it was all a dream and she's fine." I place my hands over my face to cover it, "that's not going to happen is it?" I asked Damian.
"No, it's not." Damian answered quietly, then I broke down.
I must have been stuck in my head because I didn't even know we were at Damian's house.
"I have the scotch you bought me for Christmas you can drink and sleep here until the morning." Damian took a shaky breath, "You're going to have to tell the kids tomorrow morning, they need to know."
"How am I going to look my children in the eyes and tell them their mother is never coming home? How do I do this?" I looked over at my house through the car window, "How do I walk through those fucking doors knowing that she will never be there to kiss me hello? I will never hear her tell me she missed me. I'll never call her baby again." I leaned my head on the window, "How do I survive this?"
"You'll survive this by looking into your kids eyes and knowing that they need you. Tonight, you get a free pass to fall apart, curse God, get drunk and cry, but tomorrow you need to be strong for them. You need to man up for them." Damian walked out of the car to open my door.
I looked at him, "You're right." I got out of the car, "You're a good friend Damian I don't know what I would do without you."
I looked back at my house knowing my kids are in there, knowing that tomorrow their little lives would change forever, but tonight I am going to wallow in my sorrow and numb the pain. I walked into Damian's house and lost myself in a bottle of scotch.
The next morning, I couldn't tell if the pain in my head was from drinking all night or crying for my wife, but I knew I needed to man up and face my kids. I could hear Lilith now, "so did the alcohol help or does the pain in your head say otherwise?" In her smart-ass little tone. God I'm going to miss her smart mouth.
I slowly walked over to my house and Sophia was sitting in the kitchen talking with the staff. They all got quiet when I walked in. "Don't stop on my account." I told them and grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. "Sophia can you get me two aspirins I have a killer hangover." When I said the word killer I thought of yesterday, "Fuck."
"Of course, Mr. Kane." Sophia answered.
I walked out of the kitchen and into Lilith art studio not being able to bring myself to our bedroom. I walked around looking at all the pictures and paintings of me and the kids. I kept hearing her voice, "I love painting beautiful things and you and the kids are the most beautiful things I've ever seen. My beautifully imperfect perfect man." I kept seeing her sitting at an easel painting. I saw myself making love to her all covered in paint.
"Dad." I heard a quiet voice behind me, "What are you doing?"
I turned around to see Ashton standing in the doorway.
"Just looking son." I turned to look at him, "You're up early."
"I sometimes come in hear in the morning to paint with mom, I thought I could paint her something to make her feel better while she's in the hospital." Ashton said walking into the room.
I was a coward and couldn't face him yet, I couldn't face any of them yet, so I just turned around and walked out of the room before he saw me cry. I walked up to our bedroom and sat down on the bed, that room is full of her. Everywhere I looked I saw her, I heard her, I smelled her. I laid down on her pillow to breathe in the scent of her and buried my face into her pillow and sobbed.
"Baby I need you more than anything right now. I need your strength to get me and the kids through this, I can't do this on my own." Just as I said that my bedroom door opened, and Georgia walked in. "It's good to see you still have your sense of humor after death." I said looking up.
"So, you're going to stay in this room wallowing in self-pity instead of comforting your kids?" Georgia asked walking into the room.
"That was the plan." I answered sarcastically.
"Yeah well, plans change." Georgia sat on the bed next to me holding a picture of Lilith and me when we first got together. "She was too good for you."
"Really Georgia, tell me how you really feel." I said a little annoyed.
"You know I'm right." Georgia nudged me with her shoulder.
"Yeah I know it just sucks hearing it out loud." I nudged her back and gave a half painful smile.
"She loved you, God did she love you more than anything in this world." Georgia looked at me with a tear in her eye, "Do you know how lucky you are to get to experience that type of love in a lifetime?"
"It was supposed to last a lifetime, not just 15 years. I'm a selfish son of a bitch and 15 years isn't enough time. Lilith and I were shortchanged of the life we were meant to have. Lilith will never see our kids graduate,she will never get to have the mother-son dance at our sons weddings, she will never get to help our daughters plan their weddings, she will never get to hold our grandchildren." I was angry, "We were meant to grow old together, this wasn't supposed to happen!"
"So, I guess you need to see all those things through your eyes for her now. This does suck and it should have never happened, but it did and now you need to think like a parent, and you need to be strong for your kids. You lost the love of your life, but they lost their only mother." Georgia said standing up, "So now put your big boy pants on and be there for your kids." She started walking towards the door.
"Of Course Lilith would send you to show me tough love." I laughed a small dry laugh.
"I bet she did." Georgia smiled a little, "Oh and take a shower first you smell like a distillery." Georgia shut the door.
"And there it is, a smart-ass remark." I looked up "I hear you baby." Then I got off the bed and went into the shower.
I got myself dressed and walked down to the living room where Sophia and Britney brought all the kids into. John was there with JT and Denise. All the staff was in the room and AC was looking around at everyone's sad faces. He saw me enter the room and walked over to me.
"What's going on dad?" AC looked at me with a serious look on his face.
"Come sit down on the couch with me." I told him and enter the room.
Abby and Avery sat on my lap, Sienna sat next to me on my right and leaned her head on my shoulder, AC, Ashton and Joaquin sat down on the floor in front of the couch looking at me and Logan leaned his head on my left shoulder.
"You know how your mother was hurt yesterday." I looked at the kids.
"Yeah she was shot by Katie's father." AC gave Katie a look and she looked down covering her tear stained face.
"Leave Katie alone it wasn't her fault AC." Ashton yelled at AC then Ashton got up to sit next to Katie to hold her.
"AC this isn't Katie's fault." I looked at him, "Mommy was hurt really bad and God thought that she should go be with him." This was harder than I thought, and I couldn't bring myself to say the word dead.
"When is mommy coming home?" Abby asked me in her little voice.
I tear slipped from my eye and Sienna wiped it away.
"Mommy isn't coming home." I said to Abby and pulled her closer to me.
"Why not daddy?" Avery asked.
I saw the other kids start to cry because they understood what I was trying to tell them.
"She went to heaven yesterday and she will always watch over you." I kissed the twin girls heads while tears streamed down my face, "Always."
The once lively room full of happiness and laughter was full of sadness and tears. Our life will never be the same again. I can't fix this, I can't take away their pain, I can't take away my own pain.
"This is all your fault!" AC shouted and pointed at Katie, "If your mother never came to Angel Rose our mother would still be alive, she's dead because of you!"
Katie started to cry hysterical and ran out of the room. Ashton ran after her followed by Sienna and JT. I looked over at AC.
"She lost her mother too." I told AC, "All she has left is us."
"I'll never forgive her for this." AC stood up and stormed out of the room.
Sophia was sobbing on Damian's shoulder and Denise was hugging John. I just looked around this room full of people who loved her, and I knew how special she truly was because she affected so many people.
"Maxwell, I need you to make arrangements for my wife." I tried to stay strong, but it was a losing battle.
"Everything's taken care of." Maxwell answered with a soft voice, "just focus on the children right now."
"Thank you, Maxwell." I said as another tear fell down my face.
We spent the next few hours quietly talking and remembering my wife and looking at pictures. I couldn't take it anymore I had to get out of the room and be by myself. I walked into the back yard and started walking through the gardens Lilith insisted that her and the kids had to create. She was so proud of that garden and the play area for the kids. I walked passed the club house the older kids and I built one summer and heard voices coming from it. Ashton, Sienna, Katie and J.T were in there. I listened to them for a little while as I sat on the swing.
"What AC said wasn't true. You didn't cause this." I heard Ashton tell her.
"I know you keep saying that, but maybe AC is right, if my mom never brought us here, your mom would still be alive." I heard Katie's voice, "I wonder when foster care is going to come for me?"
"Why would you say that?" Sienna sounded sad.
"I have no parents and I don't have a family." Katie replied to Sienna, "I'm too old to be adapted so I'll probably go to a group home."
"You're not leaving here." Ashton told her in a stern voice.
"Your family has been so good to me, so I don't want to keep hurting you guys and me being here is hurting some of you." Katie started to cry.
"AC doesn't count." Ashton told her.
"Yes, he does, and so does your father." Katie sobbed, "I'm sure when he looks at me, he will always see the man that killed his wife and eventually hate me just as AC hates me." Katie sniffed.
It became very quiet in the club house and I got off of the swing and started to walk inside the house again.
That night I tucked all the kids into bed and said a little prayer with each of them for Lilith and went into Katie's room.
I knocked on her door, "May I come in?" I asked her.
"Yes." Katie answered.
She was sitting on the bed and I sat next to her, "You know I don't blame you right?" I asked her and she just shrugged. "This wasn't your fault. This wasn't your mom's fault either. She was a victim just like Lilith and Mark."
"If I would have went to talk to my dad then..." Katie started to say.
"You would probably be dead too." I took a breath "Lilith made sure you were safe just like all the other kids." I looked at her, "Your mom asked Lilith and I to take care of you if anything ever happened to her. Katie, I have guardianship of you until your 18."
"Why would you still want me to live here especially since AC hates me." Katie asked.
"Because whether he likes it or not you are apart of this family now." I told her, "We all love you and I will always be there for you." I hugged her and Katie started to cry.
My heart was breaking for her because not only did she have to deal with her mom and Lilith's death she also had to live with the fact that her father killed them, and it was slowly eating her up inside.
The next day I went into work around 7 in the morning and I walked passed Lilith's desk. It was full flowered, candles and cards. I touched her chair that she sat in for so many years and it broke my heart to think of someone else sitting at her desk. A few employees walked up to me and gave me their condolences. Denise saw me and walked over to me.
"Alex what are you doing here?" Denise looked shocked that I was there.
"Last I checked it still said Kane Enterprise on the building." I looked at her.
I walked into my office and closed the door behind me. I looked around the office and the memories started to flood my mind. I saw her on the couch, I saw her on my desk. I heard her voice and I snapped. I threw everything off my desk, I knocked over my computer, I threw my chair at the wall and the painting that Lilith gave me the first Christmas she worked here fell to the floor. I bent down and picked it up and I just broke down. I was no longer a whole man. I was half a man now because the best part of me was gone and I couldn't deal with all these memories. I picked up the painting and walked out of my destroyed office.
"Send a memo about the funeral arrangements for Lilith please." I told Denise.
"I already have." Denise answered with a sad expression.
"Thank you, Denise." I hugged her, "I know you are hurting just as much as me since you were her best friend, so um take the rest of the week off."
"It's not going to be the same here without my gossip buddy." Denise laughed and wiped away her tears.
"I know, my little gossip queen is gone." I felt the tears well up in my eyes, "I have to go." I walked over to the elevator and left before anyone saw the tears.
The next day was marks funeral. His wife just wanted close family and friends. I went with Damian and the rest of my security team. After the funeral I went up to his wife to give her my condolences.
"I am so sorry for your loss." I said to her pained, "I can't believe I just said that because I hate when people say that to me, but honestly I don't know what else to say." I looked into her tearful eyes, "you shouldn't have to bury your husband because he worked for me."
"You shouldn't have to bury your wife because she was trying to help a woman and child get away from an abusive man, but sometimes bad things happen to good people." She hugged me, "Mark loved his job and he was so happy to work for you and Lilith." She wiped her nose with her tissue and followed everyone out of the cemetery.
The next day was Carmen's funeral. Ashton held on to Katie the whole time and Sienna was there to support her. John brought J.T and a few people from the Angel Rose building came to pay their respects. Katie tried to be strong, but it was a losing battle. When they lowered the casket, she broke down because that was more than any
14-year-old could handle.
The last funeral was my Lilith's funeral. I haven't really slept since she died, and I can't bring myself to sleep in our bed. Past few days I've been walking around in a cloud hoping that I would wake up and it would be nothing more than a nightmare but it's not, this is my reality now. This is my world with Lilith not in it anymore and I don't know if I can survive this world, but I have too, not for me but for my children.
"Dad." AC walked into my new bedroom holding a black tie, "Can you help me tie this? Normally mom tied my ties."
"Of Course, Son." I walked over to him and took the tie from his hand and placed it around his neck to tie it. "There. Perfect."
"I don't want to do this dad." AC said wiping tears from his eyes, "It's going to be real once we are at her funeral and I don't want this to be real."
"I don't want this to be real either." I hugged him as he cried on my shoulder.
Once everyone was ready the limo's came to take us to the last place, I ever thought I would go to, my wife's funeral. It was a quiet ride to the church except for little sobs coming from the kids. Their hearts were breaking, and I couldn't stop it for them because my heart was already broken in half. I held Abby in my arms and AC held Avery. They are only 4 years old, how will they ever remember their beautiful mother the way the other kids have memories of her?
We pulled up to the church and there were so many people already there. I got out first and helped my children out of the limo. We walked slowly into the church and there were flowers everywhere and a huge picture of my wife in the entrance way. I stopped in front of the picture and touched her face. "Baby how am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to live without you?" I bowed my head as the tears rushed down my face. I held both Avery and Abby's tiny little hands in mine and we continued to walk in, and we sat in the first pews. Her casket was in front of us and all of a sudden it was real. She would never walk through our doors again, I would never get to kiss her or hold her, I will always be a broken man until the day I get to be with my beautiful Lilith again.
The priest started off with a prayer and then asked me to say a few words about my wife.
"The first time I laid eyes on Lilith was in my office and I just knew I wanted her. Anyone who knew me back then knew I was a man that always got what he wanted but that want was different. The moment I looked into her eyes I saw a future that I never thought I deserved but I had to have it." I looked over at her casket. "She lived for our kids and she died to protect them." I felt myself breaking down in front of everyone. "I can't do this. I can't, I won't do this. She should be here" I pointed next to me, "Not there." I pointed at the casket. "This isn't happening, this isn't the life I promised her!" I got a little louder as the tears started to fall. "I'm so sorry baby I failed you." I bowed my head, "I'm sorry I can't do this." I said then stepped off the podium and started to walk out the door.
I guess Denise stepped up to the podium because I heard her talking as I was walking out of the church.
"Lilith was my best friend. She was the light of the office and everyone's friend. Alex would call us the gossip queens of the office." Denise said and there was a light laughed in the room as I walked out the doors.
John followed me out of the church and sat next to me on the steps.
"I wish there were words to comfort you but honestly I don't know what you're going through. I lost my best friend, but you lost the love of your life." John spoke softly.
"I should have been there. She asked me to cancel my meeting to go to AC's football game, but I told her I couldn't cancel it." I placed my head in my hands. "I should have been there to protect my family. If I would have been there Lilith would still be alive."
"Or we would be having a funeral for the both of you. Then where would your kids be?" John said.
"I would rather be dead than to live a life without her." I said angrily, "This isn't fair."
"Sometimes life isn't fair, but your kids need you..." John started to say.
"No! My kids need their mother not me. She was the glue to this family. She was the one who taught Ashton how to paint and Sienna how to sew. She would tie AC's ties. She would help Joaquin with his homework and dance around the living room with Logan. Every night she would read bedtime stories to the girls. Who's going to do all that now?"
"You." John simply said.
"I can't." I shook my head.
"I can hear Lilly right now. Alexander you can do this I believe in you." John said in his girlish voice.
I laughed a little, "My wife doesn't sound like that." I realized I said doesn't, "I mean didn't. I can't believe I have to talk about her past tense."
"This sucks. It really does but you are all they have now Alex you need to man up for them." John patted my shoulder.
"You know Damian said the same thing the night she died." I shook my head, "I know I need to be there for my kids, but she's everywhere I go. She's in every room of our home, she's in my office, she's in my car, she's everywhere and I don't know how to be strong for them when I can't even be strong for me."
"You lost your mom when you were 10 right?" John asked me.
"Yeah and my father was a complete dick too after she died." I shot him a look.
"You have 7 kids in there who just lost their mother, do you want to be your dad, or do you want to be the man that Lilly married?" John asked me and I just stared at him for a moment.
"I want to be the man that Lilith married." I nodded my head. "And I still fucking hate that you call her Lilly."
"I know. Why do you think I've called her that for all these years." John laughed.
"Asshole." I laughed too.
As we sat there in silence, I felt hands wrap around the back of my neck and turned to see Sienna kneeling behind me hugging me.
"Sweetheart you're going to ruin your dress." I told her holding her hands in mine.
"I don't care daddy. I just wanted to hug you and see if you're alright." Sienna's voice sounded just as broken as mine.
"Right now, I'm sad but it's going to be okay because I have all of you." I closed my eyes as the tears started flowing again.
The rest of the kids came out followed by all the people from the church. It was time to say goodbye to my wife. We drove over to the cemetery where they had her casket set up ready to be buried. Walking over to her casket was surreal. I always was prepared to die first, I never wanted to know what it would be like to live in a world without my Lilith but now I have to face reality that I'm without her and it hurts like hell.
I couldn't hear the priest give his last sermon. I couldn't see past that casket holding my beautiful wife's body. Everyone faded into the background except that fucking casket. I hated that casket because it was taking my wife away from me. I hated the earth because soon it would swallow up any trace of my wife into it. I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't say goodbye. After the funeral was over everyone started to head for my house. I stood there for a while longer by myself just staring at her casket.
"This is it baby, this is the part I've been dreading. I'm not going to say goodbye to you, I'm going to promise that I will raise the kids the way you would have and once they are all grown and living their lives, then I'm coming to be with you, so baby wait for me." I blew her a kiss and turned around to start walking to the car. The wind picked up for a brief moment and I could have sworn I heard her voice, "My beautifully imperfect perfect man."
We got back to the house and people talked about their memories of Lilith and we drank and ate until nighttime. After the last of the people left it was just me and the kids to face this world alone.
"It's time to get ready for bed." I told them and they started to all head for their rooms.
"Why is she still here?" I heard an angry voice behind me, and it was AC pointing to Katie.
"She's apart of our family now AC." I told him too weak to argue with him.
"She's not apart of my family, she will never be apart of my family." AC walked over to her and Ashton pulled Katie behind him.
"Back off AC." Ashton told him.
"You'll pay for this. I promise you that." AC said in a sinister voice and walked up to his bedroom.
"Alexander Christopher!" I yelled to him but he slammed his door, "Katie give him time, he will come around." I told her, "You are apart of this family."
"I don't think he ever will come around and I don't blame him." Katie said sadly to me then turned to Ashton, "You should hate me too." Katie cried and ran up the stairs.
"Katie, I don't hate you." Ashton called out to her, but she closed her door shut.
"Dad is our family ever going to be the same?" Ashton asked me.
"I wish I could tell you yes, but honestly I don't know son." I told him.
Ashton walked up to me and hugged me, "I love you dad."
"I love you too Son." I hugged him tighter.
He walked upstairs and into the room he shared with AC. I don't know if life will ever be the same again. All I know is I will never love another woman the way I loved my Lilith. When you've had perfection it's hard to go back to ordinary.