I keep walking through a dark maze. Every time I turn one corner I would run into a dead end. I keep trying to follow the voices, I keep trying to follow Alexanders voice, but I can't find him. I don't know where I am, and I'm scared and lonely.
"You should be a lone you don't deserve him." I heard a female voice. It sounded so familiar.
"Who is that? Who's there?" I cried out in the dark.
"You know who I am, and you know I'm right." It laughed at me.
"Why does your voice sound so familiar? Who are you?" I asked struggling to find the voice.
"You'll know soon enough." The voice laughed again. "You know they would all be better off without you. You just bring them pain and sadness."
I stopped moving in the dark maze and sat down on the cold floor because I knew she was right; I don't deserve them. Alexander has given me everything I've ever wanted, and I kept hurting him. I kept lying to him. I kept throwing my insecurities in his face by accusing him of cheating on me. I knew how much me not trusting him was hurting him, but I didn't care, I kept pushing him away. Even now I keep hearing him pleading with me to come back but I can't find my way back to him. I put my face in my hands and started to cry.
"I want to go home. I want to go home." I kept repeating over and over.
"You are home, don't you recognize this place?" The sinister voice laughed.
Just then I looked around and my worst fear was coming true, I was home, but not the home I loved, I was at the home I hated. I was at the home I shared with Christian and my heart stopped beating for a second.
"This isn't real." I said walking around the house I haven't been to in 10 years. "This is a dream. Wake up, please wake up."
I saw Christian enter the room with a creepy smile on his face.
"You're not real." I said out loud.
"How much do you want to bet I'm real." Christian laughed at me "Let's play a game, lets see who runs faster you or me." He started charging towards me and I started to run, but I was back in the dark maze again running from Christian running for my life.
"Alexander please help me." I cried out again.
"Why should he help you, you left him." The voice grew angry now.
"I didn't leave him." I was breathing hard.
"You chose your selfishness over Alexanders love. You don't deserve him; you never deserved him; this is what you deserve." Just then Christian appeared out of nowhere and started hitting me.
"Your weak, your selfish, you don't deserve the family you have, you don't deserve to be alive." The voice kept saying over and over while Christian kept hitting me.
Just then another person came into focus, a face I recognized just laughing at me, laughing at my pain. It was me.
"Deep down you always knew that one day Alexander will realize that you are a nobody and he made a mistake falling for you. He's larger than life and you are just bringing him down to your level. People are only nice to you because you're married to a billionaire, where were they when you were married to Christian? 8 years you had no one to help you or call your friend, but now you have tons of friends who I'm sure if you left Alexander, they would leave you." My voice echoed through the maze. "Your worthless, you're not strong enough for him, he's better off without you."
The maze disappeared and so did Christian and the other me. I was just sitting on the floor alone again. I felt so cold, helpless and broken. I wanted to go home, but what if she's right? What if I'll just ruin their lives all of their lives, then I heard another voice, the voice that I craved, the voice that I love, Alexanders voice.
"I love you baby and I'll wait for you for forever until you come back to me." Was all I needed to hear to follow his voice out of the dark and into the light.
I opened my eyes to a darkened room. I was in a hospital bed and I touched my stomach, she was gone. I failed her as her Mother. I failed Alexander. While I was sleeping, he had to make all the heartbreaking decisions on his own. I really did, I really left him when he needed me the most. I looked around the room and Saw Alexander sleeping on a cot. My beautifully imperfect, perfect man was there.
"Alexander." My voice was a whisper. "Alexander." I said again but my voice kept failing me.
Just then his eyes shot open and he looked at me and jumped out of bed "Thank God." Was all he managed to say as he leaned over pulling me into his embrace and he cried. I've never seen him cry like that before, so broken. I broke him.
"I'm sorry." I tried to say but my voice wouldn't come out more than a whisper.
"You don't have to say sorry. I'm sorry I didn't realize what you were going through until it was too late." Alexander put his hands on my face and kissed my lips, "I almost lost you and I never want to go through that ever again. I need you. Don't you know that?"
"The baby?" I asked him but I already knew the answer.
"Let me go get a nurse." Alexander went to leave but I stopped him.
"The baby?" I asked again holding onto his arm and he turned to face me with a somber look on his face.
"She was too small. I held her as she died." Alexander had tears in his eyes.
"It's all my fault." I cried.
"No, it's not your fault." He tried to assure me.
"You must hate me for doing this to you?" my voice was getting louder now as I cried.
"I love you. I don't hate you and I don't blame you." Alexander was trying to calm me down, "This was out of both of our control, no one is to blame."
"I let her die, I let her die O God I'm a horrible mother." I was hysterical now, "I should be dead, I should have died not her."
All of a sudden, the room was filled with alarms going off. I couldn't control myself and my emotional breakdown.
"Baby calm down your heart rate is going up." Alexander tried to calm me. A nurse came running into my room and put something in my IV.
"What the fuck are you giving her?" Alexander tried to stop her.
"It's a sedative to calm her down." The nurse went to put the medicine in again and he stopped her.
"She's been in a coma for a week she doesn't need any more sedation." Alexander yelled at her.
"If you don't let me do my job, I will have you removed." The nurse gave him a stern look.
Alexander sat back down and took my hand in his while I was still hysterically crying.
"I should be dead, not her, I should be dead not her." I kept repeating over and over until sleep took a hold of me and I was out again.
When I came to in the morning Alexander was holding my hand. He looked like he hadn't slept all night. He had a worried expression on his face. Looking at my husband he looked older and disheveled.
"How long have I been out for?" I asked Alexander trying to sit up.
He helped me in a sitting position but was still very weary of my emotional state. "It's been a week." He answered.
"Oh, from the looks of you I thought I was out for years." I smiled faintly.
"My little smart ass is back." Alexander leaned over and kissed my forehead, "I missed you."
"How are the kids?" I asked him.
"They miss you. I haven't been home, but Sophia, Britney and Damian have been taking good care of them." He told me.
"Why don't you go home, give the kids a hug from me and take a shower and sleep." I looked at him "I would say shave but I'm really digging the Paul Bunyan look." I winked at him.
He started to tickle my face with his stubble and kissing me all over my face. He whispered in my ear "I love you."
"I love you too, now go home." I told him.
"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed." He kissed me, "Your bossier than normal."
"Well if you would have let me sleep for another week, I would have woken up like sleeping beauty." I laughed as his stubble tickled me.
"You bite your tongue, one week without you was pure hell." He kissed me and then pulled out his phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked him.
"Denise and John to let them know you're awake." Alexander answered finding the numbers.
"Oh my God I'm dead." I had a shocked look on my face.
"What?" Alexander looked worried about me "Why would you say that."
"Because you're about to call John. I'm mean this has to be an alternate universe for that to ever happen." I laughed.
"Smart Ass." Alexander laughed and then was talking to someone on the phone. "She's awake and sassier than normal." He laughed again. "I'm going home to see the kids and get changed can you come to visit her, so she isn't alone?" He asked the person on the phone. "Good, can you call Denise and let her know she'll want to see her too." He was talking to John. Then he hung up the phone.
"John will be here in a little while with Denise and Sarah. I'll wait till they get here then I'll go home." Alexander sat back down in his chair.
"Just go home I'll be fine. I'm just going to take a nap before they get here. The faster you get home the faster you can come back." I told him.
"I don't want to leave you alone." He insisted.
"I'm in a hospital full of doctors and nurses I'm not alone. I'm fine really." I smiled at him, "I need to know that our kids are okay, I need you to hold them for me until I get to hold them myself."
"you win, but I'll only be gone for a few hours." He hugged me then kissed me, "You don't know how much I've missed you."
"I was so lost, but your voice brought me back." I kissed him, "Thank you."
"I'll always bring you back to me baby." He wiped his eyes. "See you in a bit."
He walked out the door, I leaned on my side, wrapped my arms around my stomach and cried. I must have cried myself to sleep because I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and Denise was standing over me.
She wrapped her arms around me, "Don't you ever do that to me again, I was so scared I was going to lose my best friend." She cried while hugging me.
"I'm sorry I put you in that position. I didn't mean for you to have to hide the truth from Alexander. I will let him know that you wanted me to tell him the truth and I refused." I told Denise.
"I don't care about that. Seeing you on the ground having a seizure was the scariest thing I've ever been through, the thought that my best friend might be dying, and I couldn't do anything to help you." Denise leaned back up wiping the tears from her eyes.
"Alexander said that Denise took charge of the situation to get you the help you needed. She saved your life." John walked forward and hugged me.
Sarah stepped forward and hugged me. Her belly was bigger, she's pregnant with their second child. She had a hard time getting pregnant this time around and it was nice being pregnant together.
"How are you feeling?" I asked Sarah.
"Huge, but other than that I feel good, but the more important question is how are you feeling?" She asked me with a pained smile on her face.
"I feel good. I freaked out when I woke up. I scared the shit out of Alexander but other than that I'm good." I gave a half smile.
"You know all this made me change my mind about Alex." John looked at me, "He's not a bad guy after all."
"Oh, then I should have had a near death experience years ago." I laughed.
"He was right you did wake up sassy." John laugh, "This is your only free pass. If you scare the shit out of us like this again, I will personally go to the afterlife and drag your ass back home."
"Oh, I second that." Denise laughed. "I'll even go with you John."
The doctor walked into the room, "If everyone will wait outside, I need to examine my patient."
"Okay." They all answered and walked outside.
"How are you feeling?" The doctor asked, "Any headaches?"
"I feel a little sore but other than that I feel fine." I told him. "And no headaches but I've been on strong meds." I laughed.
"Yes, you have." He smiled.
He listened to my heart and my breathing checked my vitals. When he was finished, he sat on the edge of my bed to talk to me.
"You just suffered a traumatic lose and you may feel sad and guilty but none of this was your fault. Pre-eclampsia happens more then you think. It just happened at the beginning of your pregnancy." He was speaking calmly to me.
"I tried to make it to 25 weeks." I looked down defeated. "I wasn't strong enough."
"You don't realize how strong you truly are, you made it to 21 weeks when your body should have broken down a longtime before that. I spoke to Dr. Lindsey and the signs where there very early on. This stroke should have killed you and your baby, but it didn't. You gave birth to a tiny beautiful baby girl that your husband got to hold, and he got to talk to her before she died. You didn't deliver a stillbirth this time you delivered a little angel that was just too small for this world. And you fought like hell to get back to your loved one, you get to go home to 5 kids who need you." The doctor put his hands on my shoulder as I cried. "I want you to talk to someone."
"Who?" I asked him.
"Dr. Shoo. She is a grief counselor who specializes in grieving parents." He answered me.
"So, you think I'm crazy?" I laughed.
"No. No, I don't. I think everyone needs a little help after the loss of a child." He told me.
The door opened and Alexander walked in with flowers in hand.
"I thought you were supposed to be examining her not hitting on her." Alexander smirked at me.
"You must be her husband." The doctor got up to shake his hand, "I heard a lot about you Mr. Kane, I'm doctor Hopkins, I'm the head of the maternity department." They shook hands.
"Only half of it's true." Alexander laughed.
"The nurses said you never left her side while she was in a coma." Dr. Hopkins said to Alexander.
"That's my lifeline in that bed, of course I wouldn't have left her side." Alexander winked at me.
"I was just talking to her about grief counseling. It's a good idea for couples to go to some sessions." He told Alexander.
"When she gets out of the hospital, I'll set it up." Alexander told the doctor. They shook hands and the doctor excused himself from the room.
"We don't need to see a counselor if you don't want to." I told Alexander.
"No, we're going." Alexander sat on my bed, "When I saw you seizing on the ground and I thought I was going to lose you and the baby, that really fucked with my head." He looked down at his hands "I held her as she took her last breath. She was so small she fit in the palm of my hand." I sat up and wrapped my arms around him.
"I'm so sorry." I cried on his shoulder.
"Baby stop apologizing you did nothing wrong." He held me. "I want to name Angel. That's what I called her before she passed away."
"I kept calling her my little Angel while I was pregnant with her." I told him while he wiped tears from my eyes, "She's our little Angel."
The door opened to my hospital room and a young handsome man walked in with a few things in his hands.
"Good Afternoon Mrs. Kane." He said in a soft voice, "My name is Thomas and I'm the physical Therapist for the hospital I will be checking your motor skills." He smiled at me and Alexander gave him a back off look.
"Hello Thomas, please call me Lilith." I replied.
"No, Mrs. Kane is fine." Alexander retorted.
Thomas laughed a little at Alexanders response. "Your husband's right, I'm a professional so I'll call you Mrs. Kane until we start working on your physical therapy together." Thomas took my right hand, "Squeeze with all your strength." He told me.
I squeezed his hand, but it felt like I wasn't even holding it. Then he placed a small ball in my hand and when he did it fell out of my right hand.
"Why can't my wife grip the ball?" Alexander asked a little too furious at Thomas.
"There's a few more things I need to test for before I can answer your questions." Thomas looked at me, "Make a fist with both hands."
I made a fist with my left hand, but I couldn't make a proper fist with my right.
"Why is my right hand not cooperating?" I asked him.
"Have you tried walking at all today?" He asked me and Alexander snapped.
"She was just in a coma for a fucking week!" Alexander stood up, "No she hasn't been walking!"
"Mr. Kane getting angry is not helping your wife." Thomas tried to calm Alexander.
"Don't you tell me what is and isn't helping my wife. You don't know my wife. You don't know what she's been through and to have some fucking asshole coming in and preform this bullshit little test is pissing me off." Alexander was now in Thomas's face.
I went to get out of bed to stop them from fighting, but when my Right foot touched the floor, I couldn't feel it and I started to fall, Alexander reached his hands out and caught me. He lifted me up and put me back into bed.
Alexander had a panicked look on his face, "Why can't she walk?" He asked Thomas but never took his eyes off of me.
"The CT scan showed the stroke happened on the left side of the brain which controls the right side of the body's movements and speech." Thomas paused for a moment, "Her speech wasn't affected but the rest of her right side was." He sat down on the bed next to me, "You are going to be released from the hospital in two days and then sent to a rehabilitation center to try and get back the motor skills that you lost."
"Absolutely not. She has been away from home and our kids for a week now." Alexander was looking at Thomas.
"If we don't get her into Rehab as soon as possible she will lose any hope of walking normally and using her right hand." Thomas insisted.
"I'll never paint with Ashton again. I'll never be able to teach Sienna how to sew her own designs." I was shocked and Alexander sat next to me and held me.
"You will baby." He said to me then looked at Thomas, "I'll set up a Rehab with all the equipment in my house and once a week she can go to the facility." He wiped his eyes, "We just need her home."
"That's fair enough." Thomas said to Alexander, "I will get my report drawn up then give you a copy." Thomas got up and walked out of the room.
"How am I going to do this? How can I even make it up the stairs to get into the house?" I was starting to feel sick.
"I'll carry you up the stairs." Alexander pulled me in his arms.
"Our bedrooms upstairs, our kids rooms are all upstairs. How am I going to make it up and down the stairs every day?" I was starting to breath faster.
"I will have an elevator put in." Alexander was petting my hair trying to calm me.
"I don't want a fucking elevator I want my leg to work." I started to cry again, "What have I done."
"Baby we will get through this together. I will do whatever it takes I promise you." Alexander was pleading now.
"You didn't sign up for this. You married a healthy woman not this." I pointed to my legs.
"Those vows said in sickness and health." Alexander pointed to my legs, "So, yes I signed up for this."
"Maybe I should go to the rehabilitation center, I don't want the kids to see me like this." I was begging him.
"No. The kids need to see you. We need you home." Alexander pulled my hands in his, "I need you." He bent his head down and started to cry in my arms.
"I need you too." I whispered in his ear. "I've always needed you."
For the next two days I had a bunch of tests done and Thomas came up with a schedule for my physical therapy to be done at my home and at the facility. When the doctor signed the release form, I was finally able to go home. Damian picked up Alexander and I from the hospital. We came through the big metal gate and Mark who guards the gate welcomed me back home. We pulled up to the house and the kids had a welcome home sign and balloons in their little hands. Damian opened up my car door and Alexander came around the car to help me out of it. He picked me up wedding style and carried me up the long stairs to the door with the kids following. He placed me down in a wheelchair.
"This is only temporary." Alexander assured me, "this is to get you around the house until you start physical therapy."
I shook my head yes.
"Mommy." Sienna ran up to the chair and threw her arms around me. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too baby." I cried with joy for seeing my kids and sadness that the mother I once was, was no more.
Ashton gave me a painting that he did. "I made this for you." Then he hugged me.
AC looked uncomfortable.
"Son it's alright, you won't hurt her if you give her a hug." Alexander tried to tell AC.
"I don't want to." AC said then walked away.
"He took your absence the hardest." Sophia smiled then hugged me. "But he really missed you, we all did." Sophia hugged me again, "Bestie."
"Bestie." I laughed and hugged her back.
Joaquin hugged me and gave me a poem he wrote.
"It's beautiful Joaquin, thank you." I kissed him on the cheek.
Logan jumped on my lap, "I want ride." That cute little toddler voice I missed so much.
"Son, be patient mommy just got home and she's tired." Alexander went to take him off my lap.
"No leave him. I've been sleeping too long so I'm wide awake." I turned to Alexander, "Put those muscles to use Mr."
"As you wish my love." Alexander laughed then pushed us all around the house with the kids running behind us.
When the kids settled down Alexander showed me the room they set up for my physical therapy and then took me to the guest room that will be my bedroom on the first floor.
He wheeled me into the room, "Again this is only temporary until you can make it up and down the stairs." He lifted me out of the wheel chair and placed me on the bed.
"I know." I was sad.
"I had Sophia bring both of our things from our bedroom to here.
"You don't need to sleep here. You can sleep in our room." I told him, "there's no reason we both have to be misplaced."
"The only place for me is with you." Alexander walked over to my draw to get a nightgown. He went to lift up my shirt to get me dressed.
"I can do that." I told him.
"I know, but are you going to deny me from touching your beautiful body?" He smirked at me.
"You really are something." I laughed and he kissed my neck.
He took my shirt and bra off, "I'm a lot of things." He nuzzled my neck, "You want a bath?" He asked me.
"Yes please." I said.
He got up and walked over to the bathroom and ran the water then returned, "Now, where was I?" He started kissing my neck.
"You know I'm not ready to have sex just yet." I told him with a wounded expression on my face.
He kissed my lips, "I know." He lifted me off the bed and carried me into the bathroom. He finished undressing me and placed me in a bubble bath. He got himself undressed and climbed in behind me and started to give my shoulders a massage.
We stayed in the bathtub for a while without talking. We sat there enjoying each other's company. When we were finished Alexander lifted me out and placed me on a seat in the bathroom and towel dried me.
"You know I can do this myself." I told him.
"Are you going to again deny me my god given right to touch my wife." Alexander started towel drying my hair, "I missed touching you, I missed kissing you. I took so much for granted and I almost lost you, I'll never take anything for granted again."
He carried me to the bed, put on my nightgown and I laid down.
"I'm going to say goodnight to the kids I'll be right back." Alexander got up and started to head for the door.
"Give them a kiss from me too." I told him.
"I will baby." Alexander had the biggest smile on his face when he walked out the door.
When he left the room his light that surrounds me went with him and my self-doubt and darkness crept in. I can't even make it up stairs to kiss the kid's goodnight. I turned my head into my pillow trying to muffle my sobs so that Alexander won't hear me when he came back in. He laid down next to me and thought I was sleeping and went to sleep as I cried silently next to him.
The next morning, he got up at 5 am like he always has and started to get dressed, but instead of his business suit he wore jeans and a button-down shirt.
"you're going to work casual sexy like that?" I asked him with my face propped on my hand.
"Casual sexy." He winked at me. "I like that, but no I'm going to be working from home for a while."
"I don't need a babysitter." I leaned up in bed.
"No, you need a husband to take care of you." He turned and looked at me, "I wasn't paying attention for months and you almost died, I won't make that mistake again."
"Alexander." I started to object.
"This isn't up for discussion." Alexander kissed my lips, "Get some more sleep and I'll be in around 7 am to help you out of bed."
"I can get myself dressed and to the dining room myself." I told him.
"Fine." Alexander tried not to look annoyed, but I could tell he was.
He went upstairs to his Office and I decided to get dressed so I got up and tried to climb into my wheelchair. I forgot to put the locks on so when I pulled myself onto the chair it slipped out from under me, I fell onto the floor. Out of frustration I hit my fist to the floor. I allowed myself a few moments to feel sorry for myself then I locked the breaks on the chair and pulled myself up into it. I wheeled myself to the closet to get my clothes. I shimmied into my pants then tried to put my bra on, but I couldn't latch the back of my bra.
"I can do this." I cried a little, "I have to be able to do this." I tried again to latch my bra, but I still couldn't do it. Then I took it back off and latched it and put it over my head to get it on. I grabbed a blouse out of the clothes and tried to button it but that I couldn't do.
"Fuck me!" I screamed, "I'm fucking useless!"
"Are you okay?" Sophia walked into my room.
I wiped away my frustrated tears, "I can't even button a fucking blouse." I was angry.
Sophia walked over to me and started to button my blouse, "You've just been home for a day, give it time."
After my blouse was buttoned, I wheeled myself into the dining room where my favorite pancakes where waiting for me. I sat and ate with the kids.
"Oh, mom I have a field trip next week can you sign my permission slip?" Ashton asked me.
"No, she can't stupid she's disabled now, she can't sign your stupid paper." AC yelled at Ashton.
"Oh, I forgot." Ashton looked sad, "So I guess you'll never be able to paint with me again."
"Not for a while." I looked at Ashton and gave him a slight smile.
"Or never." AC said angrily towards me. "I told you I didn't want another sibling and look what she did to you!"
"AC apologies to your Mother now." Sophia talked to him with a stern voice.
"No! I hate you. I hate that you chose that baby over us!" AC yelled, "I'm going to be late for school." AC grabbed his backpack and stormed out of the room.
"He didn't mean it." Sophia tried to comfort me.
"I think he did." It came out in a whisper, "I'm not very hungry." I turned to the rest of the kids sitting at the table, "Have a good day at school." Then I wheeled myself out of the dining room.
I went into my art studio and was looking around it. I picked up a paint brush and tried to grip it in my right hand, my painting hand and it fell to the ground. I'm pathetic I thought to myself, I can't even hold a paint brush. I bowed my head and started to cry.
Someone put their hand on my shoulder.
"Give him time, he's stubborn like his dad and he doesn't know how to control his emotions too." Alexander tried to console me. "He considers himself your protector and he couldn't protect you from this. It's going to take time."
"Maybe It would have been better if I died, so they don't have to see me like this." I was angry with myself, "I can't even sign a fucking permission slip."
Alexander spun me around in my chair abruptly, "Do you ever say that!" He yelled at me, "I didn't spend a week of my life fighting for you to come back to me, for you to just give up." He crouched down in front of me, "This isn't my wife talking."
"This is your wife now." I tried to wheel backwards away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.
"I get it, you're angry I'm angry too, but this is only a bump in our life. Baby we can get through this." His eyes were pleading with mine.
"No this is a fork in the road. I went down the wrong path and I don't think I can find my way back." I looked him in the eye, "And I don't want to take you down this path with me." I was crying.
"Well it's a good thing I'm one stubborn son of a bitch, because I refuse to leave you in that path alone." Alexander leaned his forehead on mine. "Let me be the hero you always claimed I was."
"Okay." I said weakly.
The following weeks were brutal. Physical therapy twice a week, watching everyone do the things I used to do for the kids. My life was dancing around me, taunting me, mocking me, making me feel less of the person I used to be. While the days kept going by, I was stuck in a time loop, not moving forward, not falling back, just stuck in the middle of an endless swirl of busyness that I wasn't apart of. I hate this, I hate feeling like no one needs me anymore.
I was laying on the table while Thomas was stretching my Right leg.
"You're very tense right now." Thomas informed me.
"not being able to walk is making me tense." I had an attitude.
"I know you are frustrated but you need to do the work." Thomas kept pushing my leg farther back. "Try to push against my arm with your leg."
"I am." I expressed to him.
"You're not pushing hard enough." He was now using his stern voice.
"I am pushing as hard as I can! Back off!" I yelled at him and Alexander flew into the room.
"What's going on." Alexander looked at Thomas on top of me stretching my leg and he looked angry. "Why the fuck are you on my wife?"
"We need to do stretches for the circulation of the blood to the leg." Thomas informed him.
"It looks like you're trying to fuck my wife." Alexander walked over to us and looked like he was about to hit Thomas.
"Not everyone wants to fuck your wife." Thomas was standing in front of Alexander "If I don't push her to her full potential she won't ever get out of that chair." Thomas pointed to my wheelchair, "Or would you rather her stay in the chair so she has to always depend on you?"
"Get out of my house now." Alexander pointed to the door.
"Fine." Thomas gathered his things, "I'll see you on Friday Lilith be prepared to work."
"No, you won't, she is done with this." Alexander walked over to the door and opened it for Thomas, "She's done with you."
Thomas walked to the door that Alexander was holding open, "You know you're not helping your wife. You're hurting her."
"Don't act like you know my wife better than I do." Alexander said in a low threatening voice then closed the door behind Thomas.
Alexander walked over to me and helped me off the table and into my chair.
He wheeled me out of the room in silence and into the living room. He went to lift me out of my chair.
"I got it." I told him with a little edge to my voice as I pulled myself out of the chair and onto the couch.
"Fine!" He yelled. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that." Alexander soften his voice.
"Yes, you did." I told him, "Just own up to it. Scream at me, curse at me, tell me I'm acting like a fucking psycho, just say something."
"The last time I fought with you, you almost died." There was sorrow to his tone, "I won't take that chance again." He walked out of the living room and I was alone.
Alexander has been leaving me alone more often now, he's been distant. All day I'm alone with my thoughts and my thoughts aren't the good thoughts. I hate who I've become, and I hate that my family was suffering because of me. The only company now was the voice in my head telling me everything that was wrong with me.
I started physical therapy with another therapist that Alexander found. A very strong woman named Helga who didn't take any shit from me.
"Try walking with the cane." Helga insisted.
"I keep trying and I keep falling." I wanted to stop but she wouldn't let me.
"You have to fall to get back up." Helga tried to explain.
"Or I can just sit in this chair and accept my faith." I protested.
"Is that what you really want? You want your kids seeing you give up?" Helga asked me.
"They already know I've given up, so what's the point of this." I said lifting my hands in the air. "I failed them. I've failed all of them."
"The only person you're failing right now is yourself." Helga raised an eyebrow, "So get your ass out of that chair and take the cane." She handed me the cane.
I stood up and tried to walk with the cane and my right leg kept giving out and I kept falling.
"This is no use, I'm fucking useless." I hit my right leg, "This is useless." I leaned over, "I'm done for today." I told her because I wanted her to leave, I didn't want to breakdown in front of her or in front of my family, I wanted to be left alone with my misery.
"I still have a half hour left, so if your going to have a meltdown then go for it. Hell, throw that piece of shit cane, across the room for all I care I'll just walk over to it and pick it back up and hand it right back to you." She knelt down next to me, "I've seen it all, I've heard it all." She placed the cane in front of me, "My only job is to get you walking again, and I'm damn good at my job." She told me, "Now get up."
She helped me up and I continued with the walking exercises for half an hour then I went to my room and cried.
Alexander walked in a little while later to help me to the dining room, but I wasn't hungry. He leaned his hand on my back and touched me gently.
"I know you've had a tough day, but you need to eat something." Alexander tried to coerce me into eating.
"I'm not hungry, just leave me alone." I said not facing him.
"Baby you'll feel better if you eat something." Alexander was sincere.
I shot my head up to face him, "No, I won't feel better if I eat. Go back to your happy little world of denial where you're the hero that's going to fix your broken fuck up wife."
"I know your angry." Alexander started to say.
"You don't know anything about me." I said emotionless.
"I guess I don't." He got off the bed, "Have fun wallowing in your misery."
"Oh, I will." I said back to him and he slammed the door shut.
I stayed in the room for the rest of the night and he went to bed around 11 pm. I was surprised he was still sleeping in the room with me instead of our bedroom upstairs. We really weren't talking anymore or having sex. He couldn't stand to touch me the way he used too. I felt like a stranger to him. I was this burden that he had to deal with, a charity case for him to try and fix. Everyday it was killing me more and more to see the pain in his eyes every time he looked at me. I wanted to stop hurting him, but I couldn't, and I hated myself for it.
Next morning, he woke up at 5 am as usual and I woke up too.
"I'm going into the office today." Alexander wasn't looking at me when he spoke, "I've been out of the office for over a month, I have to get back into a routine."
"Neglecting your work because of your disabled wife." I laughed.
"You think that's funny?" He turned to look at me, "Who are you? The woman that came out of that coma is not the same woman who went into it." He got up to get his suit from the closet. "You're not even trying with your rehabilitation, you don't interact with the kids, I don't even recognize you anymore." He threw his suit on the bed, "I want my wife back!"
"Your wife's broken, she's gone and your stuck with this hollow empty person." I yelled at him sitting up in bed, "I bet you wish I would have died now, because you would have had the memories of who I was before, not this broken person who can't even fucking walk."
He picked up the drinking glass on his night table and hurled it at the wall. It shattered into a million pieces.
"I can't do this." Was all Alexander said as he picked up his suit and walked out of the room.
I crawled off the bed and onto the floor where the broken glass was. Without even grasping what I was doing I picked up a piece and placed it against my right wrist. One little stroke of this glass and I could end everyone's pain. That was it, I knew what I had to do to stop hurting everyone. I needed them to be free of me, I needed to free Alexander of his burden. As the thoughts kept clouding my mind the door opened and Maxwell walked into the room, I quickly placed the glass on the floor.
"Are you alright Mrs. Kane?" Maxwell asked sweeping up the glass into a dust pan.
"Yes, Maxwell I'm fine, just trying to pick up the bigger pieces." I told Maxwell, just not telling him what I wanted to do with them.
"I got it." Maxwell told me and swept up the last one. "Do you need help getting into your chair?" He asked me.
"No, I got it." I told him and he walked out of the room.
I pulled myself back onto the bed and started to think about how I would do it. How I was going to free my family of me. Britney drove the older kids to school and Sophia drove Logan to daycare. I wrote a letter to my husband and placed it on my bed, then when Sophia and Britney got back to the house, I put my plan into action.
"Hey Sophia." I said to her in the living room.
"Hey Lilith, how are you feeling today?" Sophia asked me.
"Okay. I was wondering if you and Britney could do me a favor? I know you have been doing so much for me lately." I started to say.
"Nonsense, we are happy to help you. You know that." Sophia put her hand up, "What's the favor you need?"
"Do you think when you pick up Logan you guys can pick up the other kids from school earlier and take them to dinner and a movie?" I asked her.
"Yeah that would be great, why don't you join us?" She was happy.
"I'm going to work on my leg and hand for awhile so it would be nice not to have the distraction." I lied to her, but she was buying it. "You should ask Damian if him and Alexander would want to join your guys."
"I'll ask Damian, but when you are feeling better, we are having a girl's night, I miss my best friend." Sophia put her arms around me.
"You are such a special person, and I'm so lucky to have you." I couldn't keep my emotions contained. "I love you my best friend."
Sophia stepped back a little to look at me, "Are you really alright?" Her happy expression turned into worry.
"Just an emotional sap." I laughed a dry laugh.
She started walking out of the living room but looked back at me with a puzzled look. Then she was gone.
I wheeled my way back to my room and into my bathroom. I found the pain pills they gave me from the hospital and stuck them into my sweater pocket. I waited until 2 when Sophia and Britney left to pick up the kids, then I found Maxwell.
"Hey Maxwell, you can go home early today, we are going out to dinner tonight with the kids." I told him.
"Are you sure you don't want me to wait for Mr. Kane to get home?" He asked me with a questioning look on his face.
"Yeah I'll be fine, he's coming home early today." I smiled but I don't think he believed me. "Alexander felt bad about our fight this morning."
"Oh, okay. I'll finish my last few errands then leave." Maxwell told me then walked away.
Now it was time to inform the kitchen staff they could leave too. I told them that we would be going out to dinner and they didn't have to cook or serve tonight, so they left.
For the first time ever, I was alone in this massive house. I wheeled myself around trying to find the right place to kill myself. A place they would look last. That's when I wheeled myself passed the door that Alexander hasn't been into since he was 10. A room he would never bring himself into. The bathroom where his mother killed herself. I knew the one key was in his office and the other key was in the kitchen because once a month he has someone clean it. I grabbed the key from where it was hanging and wheel my way back to the bathroom and unlocked the door. I knew this would hurt Alexander, but it would only last a small amount of time then he could move on, get remarried and finally be happy again. The kids would have a mother that wasn't broken, and they'll all realize I was doing this for them. I wheeled my way into the bathroom pulled myself into the bathtub and took the pain pills out of my pocket and opened the cap. I didn't even know I was crying because I felt numb, but my face was wet. I poured the pills into my hands then my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and it was John. I put the pills back into the bottle and answered the phone.
"Hey John, I'm kind of busy at the moment." I told him trying not to sob.
"Lilly you sound sad." John spoke softly.
"What an observation captain obvious." I said sarcastically.
"You do realize this is John and not your husband so that sarcastic shit won't work with me." John was annoyed.
"I'm so glad I met you John. You've always been there for me." The tears started to roll down my face again.
"What's wrong Lilly? You're starting to scare me." John was concerned.
"What I can't tell my best friend how much he means to me?" I was crying now, "Can you do me a favor?" I asked him.
"Lilly I would do anything for you." His voice was anxious now.
"Always look out for Alexander. He has such a beautiful soul, and he's strong but yet soft at the same time. He's a good man and I love him so much. Please don't let him hate me." I was sobbing uncontrollably now.
"Lilly you're scaring me, where are you?" John was a full-blown panic mode.
"I have to go John." I said then hung up my phone and turned it off.
I took the pills out of the bottle and placed them in my mouth and swallowed. I sat there with just my thoughts swimming around my head. Your worthless, useless, they are all better off without you, they don't need you. You're just a burden on them, this is better for them, this is going to free them of you. My eyes started to get heavier and heavier while I waited for everlasting sleep to come find me.