I wake up alone.
My head is pounding and my throat is so dry. I squint my eyes and moan because of the sunlight shining in to my room. Wow. I feel like shit. I'm never drinking that much again.
I yawn and stretch out my arms and legs. My whole body aches, and it's not just because of this hangover. I roll over to lay on my other side and have flashbacks of me and Michael from last night. Things got wild... and deep.
I get out of bed and stretch again. Ugh, I feel sick, and I still feel a bit drunk. I can taste the nasty alcohol in my mouth. I slowly walk in to my ensuite and use the toilet, holding my face in my hands. I wonder how Michael feels. He must be feeling like death as well.
I stand in the shower and close my eyes, feeling the warm water pour down on me. I start thinking about the things me and Michael spoke about last night... I can't believe I told him I used to hurt myself. I've kept that a secret for so many years... he was so sweet about it though, and he comforted me. I'm still surprised at how he noticed my scars and brought them up in conversation. He actually wanted to know what they were, and that means a lot to me... I'm not sure why? Maybe because it shows he cares.
I smile, remembering the feeling of being in his arms and falling asleep with him. I thought maybe I'd wake up next to him, but I knew he would be up early to pick Jessica up from her friends house.
I already feel much better after showering and moisturizing my skin. I get changed in to some comfortable clothing; a grey jumper, and black leggings, and let my hair dry naturally. I don't wear any makeup because I want to let my skin breathe today.
I leave my bedroom and walk down the hallway.
"Michael?" I call out, checking if he's in his office or his bedroom, but theres no reply.
I walk downstairs and look in the living room and kitchen. He can't have left that long ago. I grab a banana and sit down at the kitchen table eating it. I think I read some where that bananas are a good hangover cure? Probably bullshit. Michael's banana would probably be a good hangover cure though...
Ugh, I need pain relief and a coffee.
*Michael's POV*
"Was Jessie ok?" I ask.
"Yeah, she had a great time!" Brenda smiles. "And she was no trouble at all."
"Good." I show a little smile.
I feel like shit. The pain relief I took hasn't kicked in yet, and my head feels like it's going to explode. I need a coffee, and I need to go back to bed. I haven't had a hangover in a long time, and I certainly regret drinking so much last night. I'm exhausted, but Ness has a part to play in that too.
"Say goodbye to Rebecca, Jessie."
"Bye Rebecca, I'll see you at school tomorrow!"
"Bye Jess." Rebecca smiles.
"You'll have to sleepover my house next time! Can Rebecca sleep over sometime daddy?" Jessica asks, running up to me and holding my arm.
"Yeah, if that's ok with her parents."
"Yes, of course. Rebecca would love that." Brenda nods.
Brenda and Rebecca walk us to the front door, seeing us out.
"What do you say to Mrs Dornan?" I give Jessie a look.
"Thank you for letting me sleepover." Jessie shows a shy smile.
"Aw, that's ok Jessie. You can sleepover anytime. I'm glad you and Rebecca had fun."
We say our goodbyes and drive off. Jessica is very hyper and excited talking about everything her and Rebecca did last night on the drive home. I'm glad she had a nice time, but she's a bit too loud...
"Is Ness home?" Jessica asks as I unlock the front door.
"Uh, I'm not sure?"
We walk inside and she looks up the stairs.
"Ness!" She shouts.
I make a face, feeling my head throb.
"Jessica, don't shout."
She ignores me and runs through the house, shouting out Vanessa's name. I sigh and shake my head, walking after her.
"Where is she?"
"I don't know. Can you-"
"Ness!"
"Jessica!" I say, feeling annoyed now. "Stop shouting."
"I'm not!" She frowns.
"Ok, screaming then." I give her a look.
"I'm not screaming. This is screaming." She smiles and starts to scream.
"Ugh, will you stop?!" I pull a face. "Did Mrs Dornan give you sugar for breakfast or something?!"
She giggles and sits at the kitchen table. I sigh and rub my forehead before getting a glass of water.
"Oooh, I'll go see if Ness is in her room!" Jessica says, jumping down from her chair.
I widen my eyes thinking back to when I left Ness naked in bed this morning.
"Uh, hold on." I say sternly, making Jess stop and look at me. "What have I told you about going in Vanessa's room? She could be sleeping, and she's not working today. Don't go bothering her."
"But, I want to see her and tell her about my sleepover." Jessie frowns.
"You can, but not right now. You'll see her soon."
"Ok..." Jessica sighs.
Good.
"Do you want something to eat?" I say, trying to take her mind off Vanessa.
"Can we play a game?"
I really don't want to play a game.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"I want to play a game!"
"I won't play with you if you keep shouting like that." I give her a look. "I'll make lunch, and then we'll play, ok?"
"Oooh." She moans. "Fine. I'm going to watch cartoons!" She says running off.
She's so hyper today and I'm not in a great state to be dealing with that.
I wonder if Ness is still in her bedroom? I leave the kitchen and make my way upstairs to use the bathroom. I stand in the hallway and look over at her room, seeing the door still shut over.
After using the toilet and washing my hands, I walk back out and look over at Vanessa's room again. Maybe I'll see if she's ok. I hesitate at first, but then make my way to her room. I stand in front of the door and knock gently, but I don't get an answer so I open it slowly.
"Ness?"
She's not in here, and her bed has been made. Where is she?
I look around the room and look at the bed again; having flashbacks of last night. We had a good time, and we both really opened up to each other. I feel like we both understand each other so much more now. I felt comfortable enough to talk to about Joseph, and she felt comfortable enough to tell me about her self harming, which I'm glad she did, but at the same time it was a shock. She was so young when she started hurting herself. I didn't think it was even possible for a 10 year to think like that and do something like that to themselves, but she's been through a lot of stress and trauma.
Vanessa had no one looking after her... it hurts me because it makes me think of Jessica, and how I would never want her to be in such a state that she wants to hurt herself. I would never let that happen.
The sex was quite rough last night... dont get me wrong, I really enjoyed it, it's just... it kind of makes sense now. I'm not saying Vanessa has daddy issues because I'm not judgemental like that, and I would never say that to her, but clearly her childhood has effected her. Your dad leaving you at such a young age, and then having to look after your sick mother and raise your little brother would have a bad impact on anyone. She didn't have a childhood, and witnessed her dad abuse her mom. She's been an adult from the age of 6, and I understand how she feels because of how bad my childhood was.
It makes sense as to why she hasn't had a boyfriend either. It must be hard for her to trust men...
I could see she was getting upset last night, and I had such an urge to comfort and hold her... I had the feeling like I wanted to protect her; the same feeling I get with Jessie.
I'm afraid I might have feelings for Vanessa... well, I know I do because last night proved that, and that scares me.
"Daddy!"
I jump and snap out of my thoughts, turning my head to see Jessica's cheeky smile.
"Why are you in Ness's room? You told me I wasn't allowed in there. She's not working, remember?"
Smart ass.
I give her a look and walk out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind me.
"You shouldn't sneak up on people like that. I thought you were watching cartoons?"
"I came to get my dolls. Why were you in Vanessa's room?"
"Why are you so nosy?"
"You're the nosy one because you were in Vanessa's room!" She giggles.
I roll my eyes, trying to hold back my smile.
"I was checking if she was ok, but she wasn't in her room."
"Where is she?"
"I don't know? Maybe she's visiting her mother."
"Ooooh." She nods.
Me and Jessie go back to the kitchen, and I make her some lunch. I sit at the table resting my cheek in my hand while she eats her sandwich.
"Are you ok daddy?" She asks.
"I'm ok. I just have a bad head today." I show a little smile.
"Aren't you going to eat anything?"
"I'm not hungry sweetie."
I'm too nauseous to eat anything right now.
Once Jessica has eaten we go in to the lounge and I collapse on the sofa. She runs and jumps on top of me, causing me to moan. I'm fragile!
"Jess, be careful!"
She giggles.
"Can we watch Frozen?!"
"Oh God." I close my eyes and sigh, dropping my head back.
"Pleeeease?" She moans and shakes my shoulder. "Please please please please plea-"
"Ok!!!" I raise my voice and laugh softly.
"Yay!" She jumps off the sofa, and runs over to the TV.
As long as it shuts her up and I get some peace for the next couple of hours. After she puts the DVD on she walks back over to the sofa, and I move up so she can lay in front of me. I wrap my arm around her and close my eyes.
"Daddy!"
"Hm?" I say, quickly opening them.
She has her head turned looking back at me.
"Don't go to sleep!"
"I'm not..." I say through a yawn.
"You had your eyes closed." She gives me a look.
"Ok." I sigh and open my eyes really wide. "There. I'm wide awake."
She smiles and turns her head back to the TV. I kiss her head and try my best to keep my eyes open. I'm definitely going to fall asleep.
*Vanessa's POV*
I stare out the window, lost in my thoughts, feeling worried and anxious.
I think back to something Jack said to me a while ago...
"Do you think that's the only reason though?" He asks.
"What do you mean?" I lower my eyebrows.
"You, not having time for a relationship, or is there a part of you that's holding back? You know, like, having a gaurd up."
"You mean because my dad left me?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Yeah..." He nods. "Like, I know you're always busy, so of course that effects your love life, and I know you don't talk about your dad, but do you think there's a part of you that's scared to let someone in to your life incase they might leave you?"
"I guess so." I say quietly. "Subconsciously, maybe..."
Everything he said is the truth. My feelings for Michael scare me. I'm starting to feel serious about him, and when that happens I back away.
My job is on the line too. If jessica finds out about us then Michael will have to let me go, and that means I won't be able to pay for my moms care. I can't jeopardise that.
I know for sure Michael would let me go too... he would put Jessica first, and so he should, but that's another reason why I can't let myself fall for him because I'll be heartbroken.
I'm scared to love, and to be loved.
I'm not saying I love Michael, and I'm not saying he loves me, but if this continues I know I'll fall in love with him.
Men never stick around in my life. They always leave... but maybe that's partly my fault? I'm so fucked that I push them away.
For a long time I blamed myself for my dad leaving... I still blame myself sometimes. Why didn't he love me? Why did he leave me? What could I have done to make him stay? What could I have done to make him love me?
He's the main reason why I started self harming. I just wanted to feel something... I always felt so numb and unloved... I felt like something was wrong with me. Then my mom had a heart attack and I thought she was going to die. I didn't want to be put in to care...
I sometimes feel bad for Ashton because he didn't know dad at all; he's never met him, but at the same time he's better off not knowing him.
My mom told me my dad left because she told him she was pregnant with Ashton, and he didn't want another child, but I don't believe that entirely.
If my dad loved me, he would have stayed. Who could leave their child and unborn child like that? I hate him.
My mom has always tried her best... I know she loves me, but she's struggled a lot in life. She's always been ill, and I think she found being a single mom hard. She couldn't look after me, or Ashton, and I guess I didn't see her as much of a mom. I've always been the parent.
I'm getting myself upset and angry now. Ugh, why did I have to get myself involved with Michael? Why couldn't I just keep things professional and just do my damn job?!
I hear my mom moan in pain which snaps me out of my thoughts. Tina hands her a glass of water and pain relief.
"You ok mom?" I frown.
"Yeah." She exhales and takes her medication.
"Your arthritis is bad today." Tina frowns. "I'll run you a warm bath."
"Thank you." My mom shows a little smile.
I wait until Tina leaves the living room to talk to my mom.
"Are you doing your exercises?" I ask.
"Yes Vanessa." She nods and adjusts the way she's sitting.
I give her look.
"Really? Remember the doctor said you need to move around more because it strengthens your muscles and-"
"Yes, I know that." She nods. "I do as much as I can, and I have my acupuncture appointment tomorrow."
I notice she's quite breathless today.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine. I get days like this sometimes dont I? It will pass."
"I know..."
Tina comes back in to the room and smiles at my mom.
"I'll help you to the bathroom Freya."
I watch her carefully help my mom off the sofa.
"I'll make you a tea mom." I smile and stand up. "Would you like one Tina?"
"I'd love one, thank you." She smiles, holding my moms arm as she walks her out.
*Michael's POV - 8PM*
Jessica slaps her hand down on the cards.
"Snap!" She smiles. "I won again!"
"You're too fast." I chuckle.
"You're not focused enough daddy."
"Yes I am!"
"Ok, let's play one more time." She grins and picks up the cards.
I glance over at the kitchen clock. It's getting late and Vanessa still isn't back yet.
"One more, and then it's bedtime."
"Yeeeesss." She sighs and deals out the cards.
We start playing the game, placing down cards until one of us spots a pair.
"Snap!" I smile and slap my hand down on the cards before Jessie does.
"Oooh!" She laughs.
We continue to play and I hear the front door close. My heart races and butterflies invade my stomach. It's getting to the point where I'm more excited to see Vanessa than Jessie is now.
I keep looking to my left to see if Ness walks in, and she does. Her eyes lock on to mine and I smile instantly. She smiles back, but doesn't keep eye contact for too long and looks at Jessica.
"Snap!" Jessica shouts. "You wasn't looking. I won again!"
I laugh softly and look down at the cards. I forgot about the game when I saw Ness...
"Hi Ness." Jessica smiles widely.
"Heeey." She smiles. "You're too quick at that."
"I want to tell you about my sleepover!" Jessie jumps off her chair and quickly walks up to Vanessa.
"Oh yeah, did you have a good time?"
While Jessica tells her about the sleepover I tidy up the cards.
"Sounds like you had fun." Vanessa smiles.
"Yeah!" Jessica nods. "Where did you go today?"
"I saw my mom."
"Daddy was looking for you." Jessica smiles, and her and Vanessa look at me.
"Oh?" Vanessa laughs softly.
"No I wasn't..." I shake my head and give Jessie a look.
"Oh, but you were in Vanessa's room and-"
"Yeah because you wanted to see her and I was just checking if she was here." I clear my throat.
Jessie! I feel my cheeks heating up... Vanessa smiles slowly.
"Anyway, it's bedtime." I say, changing the subject.
"Oooh, but Ness just got home." She frowns.
"You can talk to Ness tomorrow."
"But I have school tomorrow."
"After school then." I give her a look.
Jessie sighs.
"I'll see you in the morning." Vanessa laughs softly and gives her a hug. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight." Jessie says reluctantly.
I smile and take her up to bed. I tuck her in, sing her the Sunshine song and kiss her goodnight.
"I love you."
"I love you too baby." I smile and turn on her night light before leaving her room.
I see Vanessa leaning against the counter scrolling through her phone as I walk back in to the kitchen.
"Jessie's been asking about you today. She couldn't wait to tell you about her sleepover."
Vanessa looks up from her phone and smiles.
"Aw, she's so sweet."
"I don't ever go in to your room by the way. I was just checking if you were ok."
I mean, I went in to her room last night... but that was different.
"It's ok." She smiles.
"I've felt like shit all day and I thought you might be feeling bad too... we drank a lot last night."
"Yeah." She raises her eyebrows. "I've felt pretty rough."
I must look a tired mess, but she doesn't look like she has a hangover at all. She still looks beautiful.
"How was your mom?" I ask, breaking the silence.
"She was in a lot of pain and feeling low today, but she gets bad days sometimes."
"Oh." I nod slowly.
"She's ok though. She felt much better before I left, so that was good."
I smile and take out a glass from the cupboard.
"Do you want anything?" I ask. "A drink, or something to eat?"
"No thanks." She shakes her head.
Silence fills the room while I pour myself a glass of orange juice. Vanessa's quiet and she doesn't seem herself, but maybe that's because of her hangover. I glance at her and see her looking down at the floor.
"Michael..." She tucks her hair behind her ear and her eyes meet mine.
Have I done something?
"Um, I think we should stop what we're doing..."
Oh... I stare at her. I'm not sure what to say.
"I work for you and it shouldn't be happening. I should be professional and think about Jessie and my job."
"Right... yeah. I should be thinking about Jessie too..." I nod. "Sorry, I'm the one who should be professional. I let things get too far."
"We both did." She shows a little smile. "I'd still like us to talk and carry on as normal, but without the intimacy..."
"I'd still like for us to talk to each other too." I say softly.
She nods and runs her hand through her hair.
"I'm sorry if I've upset you, or made you feel-"
"No, it's not like that." She shakes her head. "You've done nothing wrong. I've thought about it a lot today, and I think it's best we stop now. The last thing I want is to jeopardise my job and my moms care."
"Yeah, of course." I nod. "I understand, and you're completely right."
I knew this had to stop sooner or later, but for some reason I feel a bit of an idiot. I look down and rub the back of my neck. She takes in a deep breath and rubs her face.
"I'm exhausted." She laughs softly. "I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Yeah." I show a little smile and put my hands in my jean pockets.
We stare at each other for a couple of seconds before she starts to walk off.
"Goodnight Michael." She shows a quick smile and looks back at me.
"Goodnight." I say softly.
She leaves the kitchen and I sigh, dropping my head down.
I guess that's it then? I'm not sure that can be it though. How do we stop just like that? I know it has to, but a part of me doesn't want it to. I shake my head and rub my face.
I really did let this go too far.