My hands are gripping onto the headboard, nails almost penetrating the fabric as I rock back, down on top of Ellis, feeling him fill me to the brim. Every single movement heightens everything I'm feeling, the reaction of my core to his body unparalleled to anything I've felt before.
I lift myself up once more, emptying myself so that only the tip is resting at my entrance, teasing us both. He moans at the action, hands coming up to grip tightly onto my waist, urging me to sink onto him.
I resist his request, instead moving my head down towards his, grazing my lips across the top of his. The action does nothing but spur me on, the game of resistance actually building us both up, making the final product an absolute fucking dreamboat.
Ellis makes a move to deepen the kiss and I pull away, trailing my hand down his hard chest as I finally slide back down on him, a sharp exhale sounding from his lips at the movement.
"Becky..." he moans and I grin before biting onto my lip to control my own noises of lust. "Bec!"
I speed up, grinding down on him as my hands return to the headboard, holding myself upright as I turn into a full blown cowgirl, enjoying the ride as much as I can.
"Becky!"
And who the hell thought waiting would be a good idea? Absolutely fucking not.
"Becky!"
"Wha?"
"Becky!" That's definitely not Ellis. "Bec, wake up!"
I let out a deep moan at the sound, before reluctantly rolling over and opening my eyes, gaze fallen onto my best friend in the doorframe, her arms crossed as she smirks.
"Are you done dreaming?"
"Apparently so." I scowl at her before slowly hauling myself up into a seating position. I reach up, wiping the sleep from my eyes as Savannah enters the room, perching on the end of the bed.
"Seemed like a good dream from the sounds you were making," she says and I nod.
"It was," I retort, reaching for my pillow and promptly chucking it at her head, "and you ruined it."
"It's eight-thirty."
"So? I don't have a job," I remind her with a slightly lacklustre smile.
"Bec, it will happen!"
"Sure." I scoff, shrugging. "Can I help you?"
"Can I borrow a dress?" she asks, reaching over and grabbing onto my hands. "Please!"
"Sure." I shrug, pointing to the closet. "You know where to find them."
"You're so pleasant in the mornings," Sav mutters as I slouch back down into a lying position.
"Yes, I am," I retort, watching as she walks over and opens the door. I can't help but smirk slightly as a pile of clothes fall out on top of her, my attempts to tidy my room last night futile.
It's been two days since Ellis told me he wanted to wait to have sex. Two days since I left his apartment with merely a kiss goodbye, absolutely speechless and unsure how to process the suggestion. Two days since I've been around him. Two days of a sexless life with no promise of when it will end.
How do I deal with this? Do I like Ellis enough to wait? Why should we wait? Why now?
My head is full to the absolute max with unanswered questions, silly ditties that are travelling around with no explanation. I've never been in this situation, never experienced anything like it before.
What's the correct way to react to those words? 'Okay, no worries'? 'How long'? 'I respect you'?
Obviously I accepted what Ellis had said, sliding off of his lap and nodding. One steamy, PG, make-out session later I'd left with a promise of more dates.
As soon as his door shut in front of me, a switch had flipped inside me, brain frazzled by uncertainty and confusion. Ellis has never waited before, and nor have I, so why now? Is it something I've done? Am I not attractive to him? Maybe this is doomed from the beginning...
"Is this one okay?" Sav asks, tearing me back to the present, her holding up a flowy red dress. "It's a nice day out and I want to hide any potential fat jokes."
"Fat jokes?" I scoff, sitting back up. "You're tiny. Plus, anyone who makes fat jokes can answer to me."
I should ask Sav her opinion on my current sex dilemma. I know I should; she's my best friend and she gives the best damn advice in the whole world. I go to her about everything, yet I've kept everything about Ellis and I a secret from her since college.
I'm a bitch. She'd kill me if she knew. But Ellis and I have never been anything serious, we've always ended in disaster, just two idiots who can't decide what they want or whether they even want to commit.
Sav doesn't need to be brought into my messy love life when I don't even know if it exists.
"That's nice of you," Sav replies. "But you won't be there."
"Because I don't have a job." I nod in confirmation.
"Bec-"
"That dress will look great on you," I tell her, cutting off her sentence. "Take it."
"Thanks." She smiles. "I have to get to work but..."
"Have an amazing day." I grin at her, gesturing for my hesitant friend to get going. She shoots me an apologetic smile before disappearing out of the door, shutting it behind her and leaving me to my own devices once more.
I slouch back into the pillow before rolling over and burying my head into it, letting out a frustrated groan as loud as I can. For fucks sake. Fucking waiting.
And that dream, damn it was freaking good. My best friend truly has the worst timing.
*~*~*
Skipping up the last step on the staircase, I twirl around, walking around to the next flight, ready to get back to the apartment and wallow in a pot of ice cream for the afternoon.
I've spent forty minutes making tiny silly hair bows for a shop down the street before I turned my attention to an outfit for Zara at the high school reunion as soon as inspiration hit.
The trash soon filled with excess fabric waste, glue, cotton and chocolate wrappers, and I took it out to the garbage to get rid of any remnants of my work before Savannah got home.
"Becky!" The door to my left opens as I head for the stairs and I turn, smiling as my eyes fall onto the tall blonde man as he emerges.
"Hey," I reply to Heath.
"How are you?"
"Not too bad." I smile and he nods.
"You look good."
"Flattery will get you nowhere with me, Heath! You know that." I grin and he laughs.
"That doesn't mean there's any harm in trying," he argues and I can't help but chuckle at his attempts. "Are you free?"
"Now?"
"Now," he confirms and I look up at the steps before turning my gaze back to him. The fabric can wait, right?
"Sure." I shrug, stepping closer to him. He reaches out, his hand latching around my wrist before he pulls me into his apartment. I can't help but laugh as I fall after him, not even a chance to catch my breath before Heath pushes me back against the door, trapping me in place, his body flush against mine.
My lungs suddenly contract, feeling as though no new air can enter, my throat struggling to let in any oxygen as I watch Heath's head lower towards mine.
What the hell? He's about to kiss me, why am I reacting like this? Am I ill?
"I..."
"You okay?" Heath steps back, eyes glancing over my slightly panicked expression.
"I... don't know," I admit and he furrows his eyebrows before stepping back.
"Have I done something?"
"What? No!" I quickly retort, shaking my head in disagreement. "I think I need to go."
He nods, not even blinking as I grab back onto his door and wrench it open, flying out into the hallway. As soon as I step out, I inhale the fresh air, waves of uncertainty pouring inside me at what just happened.
There's nothing wrong with Heath, no explanation for what just happened.
I don't know what to do, rushing for the steps down to the ground floor instead of heading back to the apartment. I'm thinking of nothing but pure, absolute confusion. I haven't felt that way when intimate with a man since that time in college. And Heath did absolutely nothing wrong.
In ten seconds I'm down on the sidewalk, arm out to hail a cab, not thinking clearly at all.
*~*~*
I'm not sure how I got here. Somehow the location spilled out of me when the cab driver asked where I wanted to go.
It's been a long time since I've been this muddled and unsure, and the only place I could think of that might provide peace was here.
I tear my flip flops off as soon as I step onto the sand, clutching them to my chest and staring out at the horizon. The blue waves crash onto the golden sand as the sun shines down, heating up the ground beneath my feet.
Feeling the breeze in my face, I shut my eyes and relish in the cool feeling, letting the wind blow away my problems, even if just for a moment. It's funny how you can come to somewhere that's more untouched by humans than anywhere else, and suddenly it seems like nature takes over. Nothing else matters when you stand staring at the sea, when you watch the sun in the sky, the way the sand moves beneath your feet as you walk.
No-one is around to influence you, no-one can interrupt your thoughts. You're free and alone.
Yet just like everywhere else, suddenly the thoughts begin to creep their way back in. I rejected Heath. I literally turned away a man. One who is nice and kind, and always makes sure I'm having a good time. The poor guy.
Is it... could it be... Ellis? Is he affecting me more than I think? Maybe it's his request to wait, it's knocked my confidence, it has shattered my...
The sound of my phone pinging startles me out of my spiralling daydream and I quickly dig out my phone, surprised to see Ellis' name on the screen.
Can we talk? I didn't mean to upset you the other night.
Without taking a moment to think, my fingers begin typing, the crazy insecure Becky clearly in control.
I don't understand why you want to wait.
Shoving the phone back into my bra, I walk closer to the sea, concentrating on my feet as they sink into the tiny granules of comfortable sand instead of my phone when it pings three times more.
*~*~*
I've been sitting, watching the blue waves for over an hour now, having given up on walking the length of the beach almost ten minutes after starting. I might head to the gym a lot, but cardio definitely isn't my friend.
I'm no clearer in my headspace, however, ever since Ellis text me my mind has been on him only, furiously wondering whether I'm headed into dangerous territory by apparently letting him affect me this way.
I'm Becky Gordon, no man is allowed to dominate me this way. But I don't care what my brain thinks, I'm still in control, and I always will be.
"The luckiest guess I ever made to come here." I nearly jump out of my skin at the familiar sound, the voice making my heart skip a beat. I instantly turn, wide eyed, looking up at the brilliant blue gaze.
"Ellis?" I say, surprise laced through my tone. What the hell?
"I have to be honest though, I tried your apartment, the gym, Savannah's work, three bars and the Golden Gate park before I came here," he says, sitting down beside me as I watch, unable to form any words in response. He came all the way out here, just to find me? "I don't know if you like the park but it seemed like a nice place you might choose to go."
"What are you doing here?" I finally speak up, spitting out the first thing that comes to mind.
"Looking for you," he answers, shrugging as though it's obvious.
"Me?"
"Of course."
"Why?"
"You're not happy with what I said," he says. "About waiting."
"It's not that..." I trail off, looking down at the sand. Busted. "I just... I guess... I don't understand it."
"I understand that," he replies, nodding. "You and I have never been about that sort of shit."
"Exactly." I half smile.
"Bec, it's taken us eight years to get here. We've fucked up along the way, we've messed up everything, but now we're finally here. I don't want to mess it up," Ellis explains and I watch him as he looks down at his hands, wringing them together. I can see the nerves in his actions, how truly hard it is for him to say this. "It. This." He gestures between us. "It isn't just about sex for me."
The words hit me hard, soaking into my chest and easing the ache that's been residing there ever since I wondered whether Ellis wasn't attracted to me.
This didn't come naturally to him, every single word was thought out and planned. I know, because I'm the same. We're from two sides of the same coin, neither one of us has ever dealt with growing feelings, or even reconnecting with past almost-relationships.
I say nothing, instead I smile warmly, reaching over and grabbing onto his hand tightly.
With a yank we're on our feet, him laughing as I pull him towards the sea. We're both fully clothed, only our phones, money and shoes discarded as I pull him into the water. Squeals leave my mouth at the mild coldness, the way it splashes up my legs, coating my jeans and making it harder to move.
Turning back to look at Ellis, I smile at his slightly startled looking expression, not giving him time to comprehend that we're both soaking wet and cold, instead Spontaneous Becky wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him against me and smashing my lips to his.
He wastes no time in reciprocating, his hands grabbing hold of my ass and lifting me up, his tongue dancing against mine, flurries of desire returning once more. My legs wrap together, not a millimeter between us as he explores my mouth even further, igniting that damn fire inside me once more.
How the fuck am I supposed to wait when Ellis Wakefield has this amount of power over the lust in my body?