- Eliza -
Time in hospitals feels like it moves infinitely slower than time anywhere else in the world. Minutes dragged by in what felt like hours, and I felt waves of anxiety crashing over me every time I checked the time and still didn't have an update on Alex.
I knew they had to pump his stomach and probably give him stitches on his arms, and that they had to let him wake up and have all his vitals in a good place. I just needed to see him and talk to him and remind him how much we need him and love him.
Everything is just really struggling to sink in for me. I don't think I will ever get the image of Alex half-dead on his bedroom floor out of my mind. I'll never forget the pills on the floor or the blood seeping through his shirt. If we lost him... I don't know what I would do. I don't know how I could function knowing that my best friend in the world was gone because I didn't pick up the phone a little sooner.
I stared blankly forward, my hand in Maria's as her and John made occasional conversation. I felt so conflicted right now. I wanted to stay here, sitting in this chair, waiting for the second Alex woke up so I could talk to him. But at the same time, I needed to get out of here. It felt like something was crushing me and I needed to shake it off, walk around, distract myself until they needed me back.
I felt the anxiety of the situation pressing against me again and suddenly felt myself pushing up out of my chair, running my probably dirty hands through my hair as John and Maria gave me some fairly-worried looks.
"I just need to... I gotta get out of here. Take a walk or something. Can someone just call me when there's an update or anything? I won't be gone long, it's just that I'm like, really freaking out and I don't need a panic attack in a hospital waiting room." I told them, being fully honest. John began to nod but Maria spoke up.
"Sweetheart, are you sure that's the best idea? Do you want someone to come with you, is it a good idea to be alone?" She asked. I shrugged.
"I'll be okay. I won't go far and I have my phone on me, and it's charged this time. Don't worry about me. I'll be back soon." I said. Maria stood up to give me a quick kiss and looked at me helplessly as I rushed myself out of the doors. I felt bad leaving her, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't take the bright lights and the smell of hand sanitizer and that squeaky plastic covered chair anymore.
I felt selfish with how much I was hating the hospital. I felt selfish for having to leave and for being so torn up about Alex when John was holding himself together so much better, and he was Alex's boyfriend. I abandoned him and Maria and disconnected from the world when it was the most important time for me to be connected.
I sighed as I walked through the streets of NYC. It was the early-early morning now, a lot different than the pitch black skies in the middle of the night when I called the ambulance. The sun as slowly moving up, a dim sunrise casting the streets in an early morning glow. There weren't a ton of people out just yet, but some early morning joggers and stiff looking businessmen passed by every once in a while.
I found myself wandering back to the café, almost laughing to myself because of how Alex-like I felt right now. Feeling pretty much as awful as I could be feeling and I was ending up at work. That sounds just like him, doesn't it?
I could see a couple of our openers inside, bustling around to get everything ready for the breakfast rush that would be coming in just a bit. I didn't open the door and go inside, and while I peeked through the windows, I made sure nobody saw me.
I was pretty sure that I was on the schedule for today, to work the afternoon shift and help the kitchen out. I knew I wouldn't be showing up, and neither would Maria, though I didn't think she was working today. The good thing about being your own boss is you can call off whenever you need to, and no one can tell you no.
I kept moving past the café, walking past the the neighboring buildings. I decided I needed a cup of coffee and popped into Starbucks for a minute, ordering pretty much the biggest and most caffeine-filled beverage I could find - another true Alex move. I left the shop with my overly large cup in hand and decided that I'd come back later and get something for Maria and John.
I knew caffeine was probably the last thing my body wanted right now, but I needed a little pick-me-up. After the long night we'd had, I could use it.
It didn't even feel right that we had been with Aaron and Theo less than twelve hours ago. It didn't seem right that such a good night had been switched around so drastically by one little phone call and a whole bunch of texts.
My phone started to buzz in my pocket after about 25 minutes of wandering, and I answered immediately. John was on the other line.
"Any news?" I asked as soon as I answered, knowing neither of us wanted or had the time for pleasantries.
"He's up. They're saying he's stable for now, but that we should come talk to him while he's awake. I'm going in to see him right now and Maria's gonna come right after, so once you get back you should be good to talk to him all on your own." He told me. Thank God.
"Oh, that's so good to hear. I'll be back as soon as I can. Hey, tell him I'll be there in no time, okay? I feel awful being gone with him awake and I don't want him to think I just abandoned him." I told John.
"Of course, Liza. I'll see you soon. Be safe." He said before we hung up. As soon as I heard the buzzing, I had begun to walk a little quicker towards the hospital. I was already going back that way, but I sped myself up a little bit. I was at least 10 minutes away, probably more. The walk had cleared my mind though, and it gave John and Maria some time with Alex without me interrupting and intruding on them.
I prayed to some higher power that Alex was still awake when I got back, as selfish as I felt. I knew he had to be exhausted and drained from the events of the past few hours. If I thought I felt bad, I couldn't even begin to imagine how he's feeling. I know he doesn't love hospitals, and I'm sure he has a lot of complicated feelings he's dealing with right now regarding how he got into the hospital in the first place.
Luckily, I made it back to the hospital without any issues and just as I saw Maria walking back to the waiting room. She gave me a look that I couldn't quite interpret but gave me a kiss before I rushed off to talk to Alex.
Seeing him in that bed just about made my heart stop. I now understood Maria's look - it was a warning face, telling me that there was a lot to unpack and that honestly, it was a little bit difficult to look at Alex right now. Despite that, I took in every last inch of his face and what else I could see of him. I settled into the chair next to his bed and he reached out for me.
"Alex..." I whispered, my voice breaking as I tried my hardest to hold back tears. His face was so pale, he was so drained of color that it was almost scary. His arms were covered in long, white bandages and he was hooked up to all kinds of IV's and monitors.
"Don't cry." He said, giving me the tiniest smile. I knew it was taking so much of his energy to try to cheer me up and get me to relax.
"How? How can I not cry when I'm seeing you like this? Alex... I'm so scared." I said quietly. He squeezed my hand gently and looked over to me, his eyes half-lidded but still holding a little bit of his Alexander spark in them.
"Don't be scared, okay? If it's my time to go, it's my time to go. There's so much you still don't know... but you gotta let go if I have to leave." He said. I could barely understand what he was trying to say. I knew he was definitely loopy on some sort of medications or something.
"I'm not letting you go, Alex. It's not your time to go yet, do you understand? You need to be here with me for a long time still. I can't do this without you by my side. And I know John and Maria need you too." I told him, leaning towards him a little bit. He shook his head a little and took in a slow breath before he started to speak again. His voice was raspy and soft, but I tried to take in every single word as best I could.
"Liza, I feel like they put me on some truth serum here or something so I'm prolly gonna say a lot of stuff I'm not gonna remember and I might regret saying some of it but I just feel... I gotta tell you it, you need to hear me." He said, his words slurring together in such a non-him way. His grammar was a mess, and in any other situation I would've joked about it with him.
"Okay. I'm listening, love. You can tell me anything." I told him honestly. Calling him 'love' just sort of slipped out and I didn't think anything of it. I didn't hold romantic feelings for him anymore, but I sure as hell still loved him. So, so much.
"I already told you a bunch in the letter, I dunno where I left it for you but it's in the apartment somewhere. I didn't wanna have to do any of this but I felt so lost and like I was helpless, like... my life just wasn't worth it," he began, taking pauses and shallow breaths here and there. I knew he was struggling to keep his whisper loud enough for me to hear and that he was using so much strength to talk to me.
"Ever since I was little, they always would say, they would tell me, 'Alexander, keep it quiet, don't share your feelings, you're a man so you have to hide it'," he continued, his voice changing a little in mockery of whoever it was that he was quoting.
"All this time, I've been really just battling so much that no one knew. I miss my mama so much, I wanna be with her again. I know she'd be mad at me for coming with her so soon but I needed to see her again," he told me, looking up to me.
"I know you wanna see her, Alex. I know she wants to see you too, but she's willing to wait for you. I know that she'd wait forever for you." I told him. He started talking again.
"I don't wanna make her wait. But it wasn't just her that made me do it, Liza. I tried so hard to keep fighting my whole life. I tried to do my best in everything I could and then I started slipping and I really didn't wanna fight anymore. I'm so tired, Eliza," he said, his voice breaking a little. I forced back tears as I watched him slowly slip into a delirious, almost-whispered and sleep-slurred explanation.
"And there have always been all these people, always trying to come for me and break me down and I guess they got what they wanted. Everyone thinks I always just laugh off the mean words, but every time they said something bad, it made me feel more worthless. I was too afraid to tell anyone. I tried to do some little hints an' stuff, but I didn't do a good job. It's not your fault, though. If I go away, don't blame yourself." He told me. His accent from when we first met was resurfacing, heavier than it had been in quite some time, and his usually perfect English was thrown out the window as he mumbled to me. He was getting sleepier and sleepier, his eyelids fluttering as his speech slowed. I kept an eye on his heart rate monitor just in case, but I knew he was just drifting off.
"You're not gonna go away, Alex. You're gonna be just fine and from now on, you tell me everything you need help with, okay? I'll help you. I'll get your little hints and I'll give you hugs and whatever you need to make you feel better. We'll get you all better, okay?" I told him. I felt like I was talking to a kindergartner, but I knew he was only taking in the important words so I guess my toddler-talking was doing it's job.
"Promise you'll help make it better, Liza?" He asked, his eyes drooping heavily as he held his pinky out to me. I linked my pinky in his and leaned forward to leave a whisper of a kiss on his forehead.
"I promise, Alex. We're gonna get through this." I told him. He nodded and his hand fell back next to him. I watched his heart rate slow the tiniest amount as his soft snoring filled the room, and suddenly felt a little more confident in the idea that he would be okay.
I didn't want to leave his bedside. I didn't want to leave high-as-a-kite, loopy, overly honest, in-pain Alex to go sit in a waiting room for longer. But I knew he needed to sleep and I needed to worry less, so I silently pulled myself out of the chair and made my way back to my uncomfortable waiting room seat.
a/n: please read if you're struggling:
YOU ARE LOVED and we care so much about you. if you're struggling please reach out to me, i will always always always listen and try to help. don't fight alone.
i'm sure that i'm not the only one here who felt the way alex feels- alone and helpless and like theres no way out but the ultimate way out. but please please please i am begging you, there is another way out. help is one phone call, one message, one visit to your parents' room away.
it's hard to get help. i still refuse sometimes to tell my parents or my boyfriend or whoever what's wrong when something is bothering me because i feel like i'm putting too much on them. but help will make you feel so much better. you can do it and i believe in you.
remember this: your family and friends would much rather listen to you talk about what's bothering you than have to listen to a speech at your funeral. you are not a burden. you are loved. this is your sign to stay.