I find breathing difficult, so I go to my Dad's car and lean against it. I place my face into my hands, desperately trying to take deep, even breaths to keep myself from hyperventilating.
When looking up, I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"Mallory, are you okay?" I hear Ben's mother's voice.
"I wish people would stop asking me that. How could I possibly be okay?" I reply, trying to keep my attitude in check.
"I understand. I feel the same way. Are you taking a sedative, too? I begged my doctor for something to help me get through the worst day of my life," he says quietly.
"Yeah. I'm definitely with you there. My mom was able to get me a sedative. I'm afraid that it might not be working or at least not like I was hoping that it would," I honestly disclose.
She leans on the car beside me.
"It's not fair. Ben didn't deserve this; he spent his life helping people." My tone reveals my anger.
"I know, Mallory, I know. Those are the same things that keep running through my mind, too," she admits.
Tears well up in my eyes. "How do you make it through each day? I'm hanging on by a thread."
"I'm not doing well at all. It took everything inside of me to get out of bed to be here. We ended up not staying at your house. I couldn't even go inside," she confesses with tears of her own.
It's oddly comforting that someone else knows exactly how I feel. I lost the love of my life, but she lost her only child. I lean on her shoulder, and she puts her arm around me.
"It would help me if we could do this together. "She reaches her hand towards me, and I take it.
"Okay," I respond and she gives my hand a gentle squeeze.
"Come on, dear. We can do this." She leads me back inside.
If Ben's mother could find the strength to bury her son, I could get through today. We both go back inside the funeral home hand in hand.
Ben's funeral was a week ago. I'm still staying with my parents. Their support has been tremendous. I didn't want to be alone, and I sure as hell was not ready to go back to the house that Ben and I shared. I've also been off work since the horrible day that I lost the love of my life.
My mother calls to me, "Mal, breakfast is ready."
"I'll be there in a minute, Mom." I pull my hair into a messy bun, dress in leggings and an oversized teeshirt, then head to the kitchen.
"Good morning, Sweetheart. How did you sleep?" my mother greets me.
The concern on her face is apparent. I haven't been sleeping well. Mom had recommended taking sleep aids, but as a nurse, I know how addictive prescription sleep aids are. The first couple of nights, I took Tylenol Simply Sleep. It did help me to fall asleep. Unfortunately, when I wake up during the night, that's it; sleep escapes me.
"Um... about the same. Although I'm sleeping longer, today was till 3:30," I confess.
"Oh, Honey, the longer, the better. I'm so happy that you are getting more hours of sleep. Especially since you start back to work tonight." The look of relief on her face makes me feel better.
"Yeah, I feel rested this morning. Hopefully, work will wear me out enough to sleep even better," I say to ease her mind more.
I'm still on the second shift, so I don't have to be at the hospital till 4:00 p.m.
"I hope so, too. Are you anxious about going back?" Mom continues our discussion.
I answer her honestly, "No, I feel like this is just what I need. I look forward to focusing on my sweet little patients instead of feeling sorry for myself."
My mom walks over and hugs me. At the same time, I shove eggs into my mouth.
"I think it's just what you need, too." She kisses the top of my head.
My Dad enters the kitchen. "Good morning, my beautiful ladies."
"Good morning, Dad."
"Good morning, Hon."
Dad gives my mom a sweet kiss, then comes and kisses my cheek. My parents then join me at the table. I love that conversation is so easy with my parents. After breakfast, my Dad says his goodbyes and leaves for work.
I had just finished the breakfast dishes when my phone buzzed. I dry my hands and grab my phone off of the table.
It's Kendall. I sigh before checking the text.
Hey, Girl! I miss you! Can we do lunch today? If you don't want to go out, I can bring lunch to you.
I haven't seen Kendall or Scott since Ben's funeral. It's not that they haven't been trying. I've been avoiding them like my house because of not being ready to see them, especially Scott. There's too much history between them and Ben.
"What's wrong, honey?" Mom questions me.
"I'm a terrible person. That's what is wrong," I respond quietly.
"You know that's not true." She places a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"I've been avoiding all contact with anything and everyone that reminds me of Ben." I'm surprised I still have tears to shed as they fall freely down my face. "Kendall just texted about having lunch together."
"Awe, Honey. That doesn't make you a terrible person at all. You're in self-preservation mode. You have so much pain that you are trying to protect yourself from more pain. You knew Kendall long before you met Ben," Mom explains.
I retort, "Yeah, but she comes with Scott."
My mom suggests, "She doesn't have to. Try to take small steps. See Kendall first. I'm sure that she would be okay with not bringing Scott back into your life till you're ready. Also, if you ask her, she would agree to not mentioning anything about Ben or Scott."
"God! I'll sound so selfish!" I exclaim.
"Trust me, Kendall will understand." She smiles.
I consider my mom's words before I return Kendall's text. It's time to rip off the bandaid.
Hey, Kendall. Let's go ahead and do lunch here at my parents' house.
I see the bubbles before her text comes through.
Yay! How does Asian sound? Bamboo Bistro, okay?
That sounds perfect. I know this will sound selfish, but I am not ready to talk about Ben or Scott. I'm sorry."
I bite my lip as I press send.
Awe, Babe. That is not selfish at all. I understand, and I promise I won't mention either until you are ready. I miss you so damn much!
I smiled at her response and quickly responded.
Thank you for understanding. I miss you, too. See you soon.
"Bye, Sweetheart. Enjoy lunch with Kendall. I love you." Mom kisses my head like a child.
"Bye, Mom. I love you, too."
After my mom leaves for work, the rest of the morning is spent with laundry and reading a book. Before I know it, the doorbell rings. Glancing at the clock I see it's 11:50 a.m. and am pretty sure that it's Kendall at the door.
I take a deep breath before opening the door. "Hey."
"Hey." I step aside to let Kendall enter.
I follow her into the kitchen. She puts the takeout bags on the table and turns towards me. She opens her arms, and I accept her embrace. We both cry as she rocks us back and forth. I didn't realize till that moment how much I needed my best friend. We release each other a few moments later, wipe our eyes, and smile weakly.
"So... lunch?" I ask.
"Yeah, let's eat." Kendall gets the sushi out while I get plates and set them on the table.
She got us two rolls to share, California and spicy tuna.
"What do you want to drink? We have lemonade and iced tea," I ask.
She tells me her decision, "Lemonade, please."
Our conversation stays light while we eat. We talk about what Kendall is going through with her work and my return to work. Everything is going very well. I find that I'm enjoying myself without guilt.
That is until Kendall drops a bomb on me. "I have something that I need to tell you, and it can't wait."