Octavia's guide to the hell that is the English language
EXPOSE
/ikˈspōz/
(v.) reveal the true, objectionable nature of (someone or something)
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Wait right here
I'll be back in the morning.
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She hadn't said much. She hadn't ate much. She hadn't slept much. She didn't feel alive.
Octavia thought they had left things on good terms, hell she broke up with him by saying "I love you". But then things got fucked up, and she got pissed over the simple fact of being embarrassed by hooking up with her ex. She used to think she was so in control of her life that she created her own fantasies, now she had absolutely no control. And now it's more terrifying then ever.
No one talked to her. Not a call, text, DM. Not even a simple twitter mention.
She felt alone. And for the first time she thought she actually was.
Images from that night flooded her memory, and she cried into her pillow as she stopped compressing them.
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Two nights ago...
She heard the group still stowed away in her home yelling as Joe was running out the door. Octavia didn't even bother to look up from Amelia's shoulder until Joe came storming back into the apartment. She heard commotion from the hallway, and then Joe standing on the living room floor, his fist shimmered with blood.
He really did deck him.
And as easily as she dismissed it before, taking the violence as jokes, she quickly became pissed when it became a reality.
She marched herself into her apartment, and said the most hurtful things a person can think of.
"So you think you can fight my battles now? I invite you into my life and all of sudden you think I need protecting?" She questioned him intensely.
"Tavi did you not see what he did? The dude's a douche I-"
"No, just shut up for a second. He's not worth it. You don't get to decide how to fix my problems. Marching out there and doing whatever you did to him solves nothing. It was an ignorant and selfish act. You have no right to criticize how other people act on impulse."
"Okay where the hell is this coming from? Are you defending him?"
"I'm not defending him, but I'm also not agreeing with you. God, Joseph. Stop feeling so entitled, you deserve nothing from me. You don't deserve to be the hero. You don't deserve to fix my mistakes. You say he's a douche like it doesn't take two to fight. Whatever you say about him, you say about me. I'd like you to leave now."
"Would you just listen to me! He had no right showing up here with her, rubbing it in your face like you're the one who lost. This behavior is ridiculous, you're not thinking right."
"I'd like you to leave now, and I want you to take your stupid gift with you. I don't need your sympathy, I don't need your protection, I don't need your input on how I live my life, and I sure as hell don't need you." She stared deeply into his eyes, making sure he heard and felt ever word she said. And when he swiftly reached for the box with her present and left, she knew she hit right where she wanted to, his heart.
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I know that I'm not that important to you
but to me girl, you're so much more than gorgeous
so much more than perfect.
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It was two in the morning and she was sobbing again.
But this was a silent pain. This was the cry where you sit in your room, door closed, lights off and you lose it. You cover your mouth so you don't get too loud, so no one hears how much you're actually hurting. You rub your skin raw so that one actually sees your tears, just your watery eyes. You don't mess with your instantly stuffy nose, another factor that could cause too much noise.
You silently sob into your pillow or blanket so that your brother 20 feet down the hall doesn't have another reason to be ashamed of you.
You sit there, helpless because you rather not exist than have people think that you're weak. That two people could effect you so much that they physically bring you pain.
So you sit, with no where to go, and no one to talk to.
No one to help you.
She reached for more tissues but had unfortunately reached the bottom of the box. She tossed it on the ground and went for wiping her tears away with her sweatshirt sleeve. She fanned her face to try and cool down, breathing quietly to not wake Gwil. And then she sat and stared at her wall for a good 30 minutes before ultimately passing out from exhaustion.
She woke up to Gwil shoving her side annoyingly.
"It's been two days. Please move at least six feet away from your bed. I'm begging you."
"No."
"Please. You're killing yourself just laying there. You have to eat something."
"No."
"Can you say anything else?"
"What do you want me to say, Gwilym?"
"That you're okay, that you'll get up and take care of yourself. Something other than you just laying there in silence." He pleaded.
"Do I look okay to you?" She sat up and stared at him. "Do you think after being embarrassed multiple times on my birthday is a good look for someone? Do you think I'm supposed to just be fine?"
"No, I don't know what I expected but this is a little dramatic, you did dig yourself your own ditch though so maybe I should just stay out of it." He finished and turned around to exit.
"I dug myself my own ditch? Are you serious?"
"Yes, you got pissed at Christian and for what? Pissed at Joe and for what? There's a better way to handle a situation than with immediate anger. That's an issue Octavia, work on it."
This time he did leave the room.
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Right now I know that I'm not really worth it
If you give me time, I can work on it
Give me some time while I work on it
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That's an issue Octavia work on this, that's wrong Octavia work on that, That's not the way things work Octavia...
God she was so tired of it. She could never do anything right. Everything was always wrong in some way or another. I mean sure, maybe they were right, but constant negative feedback doesn't motivate a person. What she'd give for someone to just tell her what to do, life was so much easier when she didn't have actual responsibilities.
Christian was turning into Ethan. Hell, Joe was turning into Ethan. Maybe the problem was actually her, maybe it was just the effect she had on people.
She most definitely was the problem.
What an over the top fantastic realization.
Well, it was about time she actually tried to do something about her other huge problem, fixing the mess she created. Again.
She didn't go for an over the top "you broke up with me and now I'm hot look", nah that was coming later. This time she went for something sweet so someone would take her apology serious. She brushed her teeth and then untangled the days of rats in her hair. She admired herself in the mirror, she was proud of the progress she was already making.
Gwilym watched her walk out the door, not saying anything but was silently proud that she found her motivation. He sipped his coffee and silently smiled to himself.
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Losin' your patience, and, girl, I don't blame you
The Earth's in rotation, you're waitin' for me
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She lost all confidence knocking on his door. She hadn't been here in ages, at least what felt like ages. She waited for an answer and became immediately anxious when she heard footsteps approaching the threshold.
"Oh hi, I wasn't expecting you!" Blaire said sweetly as she answered the door and saw Octavia. "You look..." she looked her up and down, "cute." She finished.
"Can you get out of my way or at least put a shirt on?" Octavia asked harshly glancing down at Blaire's black lace bra with only one strap secured on her shoulder while the other was falling down.
"Ooo is there a bite to your bark?" She smiled at her.
"Why are you so obsessed with me? It's quite weird don't you think?" She asked her and then shoved her off to the side.
She looked around for Christian, not seeing him until she saw him draped across the couch like a blanket.
"You. Outside now." She demanded. She didn't even give him time to think before she was dragging him out the door, down the hall, down the steps, and finally outside.
"I am capable of walking you know?" He batted her hand off his arm.
"Fuck you. Seriously, from the bottom of my toes to the top of my fucking scalp. Fuck. You." She shoved him hard causing him to stumble a couple of feet back.
"If you came here to yell at me you could've just called me, damn."
"No, I also came to apologize. I just had to get that off my chest." She took a deep breath, which suddenly became shaky and she thought she was gonna cry. "I'm sorry I yelled at you and got angry, it was literally the stupidest thing and I had no business getting pissed because I couldn't handle them seeing you with me. I let my own embarrassment get the best of me and I took it all out on you and you deserve better than that." She stared at the ground the entire time.
"Why were you embarrassed is what I don't understand. You're an adult Octavia, you can do whatever you want you know that right?"
"Of course I know that Christian I'm not twelve, but I'm supposed to be progressing not relapsing. You're technically a relapse. I need to move on, but I just can't and I keep bringing you back into my mess. I couldn't take my own behavior anymore."
"Look at me." He tilted her chin up. "You can't escape me." He winked and then kissed her cheek, starting to walk away.
"Is that it? Is that ALL I get? Some weird flirtatious move and no closure? What am I to you? Some doll you throw around every now and then?"
"You want closure?" He nearly shouted. He marched himself back up to her and getting so close to her face she could almost feel his breath on her cheeks. "I was happy that you might actually want me back, but then the first sight of other people you act like what happened was my fault, and I felt used. And I didn't even know you were having a birthday party until Amelia texted me saying she wanted me to show up with Blaire. I didn't even buy the salt or whatever, Blaire already had it. She was the one who scrubbed the ink off my arm and had extra for you. She said it would be an amazing way to get back at you. And I did it because I was pissed. Maybe you she re-evaluate the people you hang out with before you start blaming me for their problems. I do forgive you for that morning, and I'm sorry for the things I did with Blaire. Now can you just move on?"
She had no idea what to say. Was Amelia really behind all of this? No that couldn't be right, she'd never do this to her to intentionally hurt her. He had to be lying.
"Thank you, for the mutual understanding and all or whatever. But Amelia wouldn't do that, I'm sorry. I don't see her intentionally hurting me like that." She shook her hand.
"I'll prove it to you." He shrugged and started walking back to his building.
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"I'd like you to leave now." He stated towards Blaire when they got back to the apartment.
What do you-?" She questioned.
"Leaving now would actually be ideal." He smiled at condescendingly causing her to leave immediately.
He pulled out his phone and proceeded to swipe to find Amelia's name in his recent messages.
She couldn't even believe what she was looking at, her own best friend has yet again betrayed her and went behind her back to intentionally hurt her. And she thought it was finally over. She dropped Christians phone on the couch, not even handing it back to him. She stormed out of the building and onto her street. She was totally unstable, unable to see straight with all of the thoughts swirling in her brain.
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Look at my face, when I fuck on your waist
'Cause we only have one conversation a week
That's why your friends always hatin' on me
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This is the inspiration behind this chapter, I REALLY recommend listening to it!!
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AN:: okay first off, I would like to start off by saying I'm super sorry for not updating in a LITERAL month I have been really busy so thank you those who patiently waited and the other three who begged for an update, y'all are chill and thanks for keeping me motivated ILY!! Okay second, I've discovered HELLA new music so if you want me to drop my Spotify link lemme know!! AND FINALLY I'm an absolute simp for Minecraft youtubers, so I 100000% recommend watching Dream Team on YouTube (especially Sapnap🥺) and that's all, thank you all for your patience and appreciation!! I love reading all of your comments, yes I actually read them they're hilarious, and ILYSMMMMM
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