"Your relationship doesn't need to make sense to anyone, except you and your partner."
･ﾟ:✧･ﾟ:
Chapter 17
"Mukhang blooming tayo ngayon mars, ah?" Puna sa'kin ni Mark nang makarating ako sa studio ngayong umaga. May dalawa raw siyang klase ngayon for beginners and advanced kaya naman ako ang tutulong sa kan'ya sa pagturo at pag-monitor ng galaw ng mga tuturuan niya at ako na rin ang bahala sa pagkain. Mabuti nga at dito lang ako nakapagtrabaho at malapit na ako sa kanilang lahat. I can even get people to smile because of me!
"Ay, ako lang 'to!" I confidently exclaimed, walking around the studio while waiting for the students to come for beginners class. I'm already so excited to be a semi-teacher today! Ang alam ko'y may matatanda pa sa'kin na nag-avail ng class na 'to, at natutuwa ako dahil may bago silang matutuhan ngayon. Consider this as a new chapter of their life!
Maganda ang naging gising ko ngayon dahil nag-reply na sa akin si Axel. Ang buong akala ko talaga may bago na siya ro'n! Hanggang ngayon alam ko may parte pa rin sa utak ko na ganoon ang iniisip.
Ayon nga lang, alas dos na siya ng umaga nakapag-reply sa akin. He even said good morning but didn't tell me why he woke up so early or stayed up late. Baka may event sila ro'n kasama ang mga relatives nila, like a reunion or something kahit last week pa sila nando'n. I think his sleep schedule got a little—or it got messed up completely since he got there. Wala naman akong problema ro'n basta masaya siya at nakakakuha pa rin ng sapat na tulog.
Medyo nalulungkot lang ako dahil hindi siya masyadong nagkukwento kung anong meron at anong nangyayari sa kanila. I was so excited for him to arrive and tell me about his relatives and all the fun stuff they're doing there, but all our messages are just greetings and reminders.
Maybe he isn't close to his relatives too, kaya siguro ayaw niya rin talagang umalis. Mamaya kapag nakausap ko ulit siya ay kukulitin ko siya kung anong nangyayari ro'n at sana hindi siya mainis sa akin.
"Nasa'n boylet mo?" Natatawang tanong ni Mark nang nagpahinga muna kami. I'm learning the simple choreography he's about to teach the students para naman may ideya ako kung anong dapat nilang gawin o kaya ako naman ang magtuturo sa second half. Since hip-hop is Mark's expertise, that's what most of his classes are about.
"Nagbabakasyon sa Baguio," sagot ko matapos uminom ng tubig at punasan ang sariling pawis.
Not only do I get money from doing this, but I'm also doing something I really love. Kaya pangarap ko talaga magpatayo rin ng studio kagaya nito at tumanggap din ng mga dance class, or I can even have them for free for people who genuinely want to learn.
"O, ba't 'di ka sinama?" Tanong pa nito habang nire-review ang mga steps sa salamin paisa-isa.
"Kasama pamilya," pabalang na sagot ko. Alangan naman sumama ako ro'n!
"Hindi ka nilegal?!"
Mabilis akong napatakip sa tenga nang marinig ang malakas na sigaw niya at nakita siyang nagmadaling tumabi sa akin.
"Kilala ako ng Ate niya! Makasigaw naman 'to!" bulyaw ko rito.
"Hala sis, 'di 'yan sigurado sa'yo!" aniya. He's even clicking his tongue a bunch of times as if warning me!
I rolled my eyes at him and started gathering my hair for a ponytail. Nakikita ko na ang mga papasok na estudyante at wala akong oras at enerhiya para sa ganitong usapan. I know I easily get influenced. If Mark keeps doing this, I know I'll believe him. I know Axel will introduce me to everyone if he's ready. It just takes time.
"Manahimik ka nga," irap ko sa kan'ya.
Tumayo siya at natawa bago pagewang-gewang na naglakad. "Bahala ka, sinasabi ko sa'yo!"
Nagsimula ang routine na patawa-tawa lang siya habang hindi naman ako makagalaw ng maayos dahil sa kan'ya. Nakakairita naman, ba't pa 'ko sasabihan ng gano'n?
I know he isn't in good terms with his Dad, tapos sisingit pa ako sa buhay nila. I can definitely wait. Nakaya ko nang ilang taon, bakit hindi ko kakayanin ulit? It's not like our relationship's determined by family.
Or is it?
Pushing the thoughts aside, I decided to just focus on the task for today. Help Mark teach the choreography and monitor their moves to better help them, go home, write, and sleep. Wala nang iba. Ayaw ko sa kung ano-anong naiisip ko.
I had a smile on my face as I left the studio. Marami ulit ang nakapagsabi sa'kin na nagawa ko silang pasiyahin at hindi naging mahirap sa kanila ang mga tinuro ni Mark dahil gumagabay lang ako sa kanila. Because of that, it motivated me more to do my passion. That I can also serve my purpose in this life by doing things I love.
To Baby <33 : nakarating na ako sa bahay katatapos ko lang sa studio. hope you're enjoying your stay there! kwento ka naman sa'kin magtatampo ako charot lang love u
I heaved a sigh once I sent my message at 4 PM once I got home. I wonder what he's doing right now. Siguro marami sa kan'yang pinapagawa ro'n o kaya naman bawal mag phone? Maybe his relatives are stricter than his Dad or something, hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako mapakali. Gusto ko kasi kausap ko lang siya palagi!
When he didn't reply after a few minutes, I dropped my phone and went outside in hopes of distracting myself. Nandito pa naman sina Mama, kung nando'n siya sa pamilya niya dapat hindi ko rin siya masyadong iniisip at dito rin ako sa pamilya ko.
"Ma!" Sigaw ko at tumakbo sa kaniya sa sala. Nang makauwi ako, naglilinis na naman siya kaya pinatigil ko muna. Katatapos lang ng trabaho niya kina Tita tapos maglilinis siya pagdating. Masyado siyang masipag! She doesn't even take a break sometimes.
"Ate, ako ang nauna," busangot sa akin ni Reksin nang halos matulak ko siya paalis sa sofa para mayakap si Mama.
"Bleh," belat ko rito at mas hinigpitan ang yakap kay Mama habang nagtutupi naman ito ngayon. "Ako na diyan, Ma."
"Ma, o, si Ate!" Malakas na sumbong ni Reksin habang inaabot na ang buhok ko para ako naman ang paalisin niya. Gusto ko lang naman humiga rito kasama si Mama!
"Alis ka na! Lagi mo naman kasama si Mama!" Sigaw ko sa kan'ya habang hinahawakan ang kamay niya at nakakasakit na siya dahil napakahigpit ng hawak nito sa buhok ko.
"Ang lilikot niyo!" Reklamo ni Mama na hindi na makatupi ng maayos.
Pinanlakihan ko ng mata si Reksin at natawa nang gano'n din ang ginawa niya sa'kin habang tinuturo si Mama.
"Kasya naman kasi tayo lahat, 'wag ka lang humiga, Azalea!" Panunulak sa'kin nito para makaupo si Reksin katabi niya.
"Sa gitna ka kasi, Ma," nguso ko. "Edi pareho ka naming nakatabi!"
I laughed when we all stood up to fix our positions. Nang makaupo si Mama, sabay kaming yumakap sa kanya at natawa sa pinaggagawa namin.
"Love you," bulong ko rito at humilig sa balikat niya.
Kinabukasan ulit nakapag-reply si Axel. Hinintay ko ang reply niya habang nagsusulat kagabi pero wala akong natanggap sa kaniya. Nakakalungkot at hindi ko man lang alam ang ginagawa niya ro'n! I want to know everything he does there. Kahit man lang kwento tungkol sa araw niya ay hindi niya magawa.
From Baby <33: I'm glad you're doing well. Things have just been busy here that's why I can't talk to you much.
Napabusangot ako nang maalala ang reply niya. What kind of busy is that? Busy din naman ako, ah!
"Laine," mangiyak-ngiyak na tawag ko rito nang matapos ang trabaho ko sa araw na 'yon. I ran a few errands today regarding the studio and that was it.
"Ba't maiiyak ka na diyan?" tawa nito nang makita ako. When I saw her background, I felt a bit of jealousy. She's having the time of her life there at the beach and in Singapore, and she's literally glowing! Kailangan ko pa ata pumuntang ibang bansa bago maging ganiyan.
"Naiirita ako sa kaniya!" Reklamo ko habang nakatingin sa kisame.
"Nag-away kayo?" she asked, and there was a certain mock in her tone.
"Hindi," sagot ko. "Kaso hindi siya masyadong nagtetext sa akin. Nangako kaya siya na kada oras daw tatawag siya!"
"Nasa Baguio siya, diba?" Tanong nito at hindi ko alam kung bakit tawa siya ng tawa sa kabilang linya. May mali ba akong nasabi?
"Oo, bakit?"
"Malay mo wala talaga siya ro'n," she laughed.
Kumunot ang noo ko at nagsimulang sumiklab ang kaba sa akin. What does she even mean by that?
"Anong wala?" my brows creased.
Humagalpak ulit siya sa tawa. "Hay nako, Seph. 'Di ko alam ba't ang tanga mo minsan!"
Palagi naman kami ganiyan mag-asaran...pero hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko nairita ako sa sinabi niya at dinamdam iyon sa personal.
"Hula ko lang naman kasi!" natatawang banggit nito. "Wala ka bang tiwala sa kaniya? Mali 'yon...nakakasira ng relasyon."
I was breathing heavily now and I kept clutching the blanket in my hands, annoyed, almost even terrified of her. That mocking voice is getting to me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naiirita ako!
"Of course I trust my man!"
"Oh, edi anong iniiyak mo diyan?" tanong nito. "If you really have faith in him, you wouldn't be telling me all of this. At sa akin pa sa lahat ng tao."
"Alam mong wala naman akong ibang pagsasabihan!" I screamed out of frustration while she kept laughing on the other line. She's my best friend, who else am I supposed to talk to?
"'Wag ka kasing magalit, natatawa tuloy ako," aniya. Nakakunot lamang ang tingin ko sa kaniya at hindi ko alam kung pinagtatawanan niya ako o sadyang nagpapadala lang ako sa emosyon at iniisip kong namemersonal na siya. Why am I getting so worked up about what she said?!
Hindi ko siya sinagot hanggang tumigil siya sa pagtawa. "Okay, okay, sorry! Ganito, 'wag ka kasi masyadong ma-paranoid. Maybe he's just busy with his relatives. You have to chill!"
"Okay..." I muttered. "Baba ko na, ha? Thank you!"
I laid in bed that night and wondered where I went wrong. Bakit ko pagdududahan si Axel at bakit ko rin pagdududahan si Laine? She was just being nice and gave me an advice like usual! Baka good mood lang talaga siya kaya gano'n habang no'ng isang linggo pa 'ko hindi gaano kasaya kaya nabubunton ko na kung saan saan ang galit ko.
What made me think that Laine's taking it personally?
Sa sunod na araw, ganoon pa rin ang nangyari.
From Baby <33: I'm really sorry I can't get to you all the time. I'm doing well and I hope you are too.
Halos matapon ko na ang cellphone nang mabasa iyon. That's it? Ayon lang ang sasabihin niya? Para na akong puputok dito sa mga kwentong gusto kong sabihin sa kanya kapag nag-usap ulit kami pero ayon lang ang sasabihin niya. It's not fair!
The worst thing is, I can't even be mad at him and text him a long-ass message containing all these bottled emotions inside me. Hindi ko masabi-sabi sa kaniya!
The next day passed. And the next. Until the minutes of waiting turned into hours, and would eventually turn to days and weeks, until it turned to a month.
A month of him being there.
Konti nalang ay uuwi na siya at nandito pa rin ako, naghihintay sa kaniya.
He texts me every now and then. From his so-called 'I'll call you every hour', he'd text one message per day that turned to every two days. It's insane how many days passed and he still couldn't send me a message.
When I got my first pay at Black Fire, I immediately called him. Nang hindi siya sumagot, nag-text nalang ako sa kan'ya at naghintay pa ng isang buong araw para sa reply niya.
To Baby: Got my very first pay from my hard work! Naisip kong ilibre ka sana kahit alam kong kaya mo naman bilhin ang lahat, pero gusto ko pa rin may ibigay sa'yo pagdating mo. May gusto ka ba? Bagay gano'n, something that'll last. You can let me know!
From Baby: That's nice. Congratulations! You don't have to get anything for me, but I guess I've always wanted a customized bracelet. It doesn't have to be anything fancy.
That was a week ago.
His messages remained casual. Minsan nakakalimutan niya ata na girlfriend niya ang kausap niya sa sobrang kaswal ng pagte-text niya. But when I think about it, what am I expecting him to say, anyway? What's making me extremely irritated?
Ngayon na malapit na siyang umuwi, wala pa rin akong ibibigay sa kaniya. Hindi ko kasi alam kung anong klase ba ang gusto niya. Nakakahiya naman kung pambata at sa kung saan na gilid ko lang bibilhin. I want it made by me but I have no clue how.
I frowned. I don't even know how much all that will cost!
Kung maghanap kaya ako sa Shopee, ayos lang iyon sa kaniya? I mean, he said customized, sapat na siguro ang may pangalan niya. I'll exert more effort in the future! Kapag birthday niya na sa July. Doon nalang siguro ako totodo ng effort at hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko ngayon.
The night before he's set to arrive, I don't know why I got nervous all of a sudden. Para namang may nagbago sa amin nang umalis siya. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kinakabahan ako!
From Baby: Baby, I'm arriving tomorrow. Can I see you at my condo at 2 PM? Sa tingin ko nakauwi na ako niyan.
Parang may humaplos sa puso ko nang mabasa iyon. It's been such a long time since I heard that word from him kaya naman nasasabik at kinakabahan akong makita siya bukas. I can't wait to see him, but I also still feel a bit weird. Para bang nagtatampo pa rin ako sa kaniya kahit hindi niya naman talaga obligasyon mag-text minu-minuto, pero nangako kasi siya.
"Ma, punta lang po ako kay Axel!"
I was already on my way at exactly 2 PM, wearing my usual cargo pants and crop top.
God, I'm nervous.
That was all I can think of while I went up to go him. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin sa kan'ya. It's like back to square one where I'm not comfortable with him! Kung sana'y araw-araw kaming nag-usap at alam ko ang lahat ng nangyari sa kanya ro'n, baka hindi maging ganito. It seems like I'm meeting a total stranger.
But then again, I didn't tell him much about mine either. Ang sinasabi ko lang palagi sa kaniya na nagturo ako sa studio at nakauwi na, na nagkita kami ni Lucas o lumabas ako kasama sina Mark, o kaya naman nag early enrollment sa school. The big things. I tell him the big things.
What's going on in my head is something I have to practice telling him.
I clutched my bag in my head, fully knowing the bracelet I ordered for him is inside and I have no clue if he'll like it. Hindi ko 'to ginawa at wala akong alam kung pa'no, pero sana magustuhan niya. Maybe this is also one of the reasons why I'm nervous as hell to go up there and face him.
'Wag ko nalang kaya ibigay? I'm really not too confident about it.
I took deep breaths before going inside because I know his code. Pinikit ko pa ang mga mata ko at isa-isang binuksan 'yon para silipin ang nasa loob.
"Hi, baby..." Napapikit ako sa malambing niyang tono nang yakapin ako at mabilis na hinalikan sa noo. He snuggled closer to me and rested his head on my shoulders while hugging me.
Nang buksan ko ang pinto, siya agad ang unang nakita ko. Nothing else. My eyes were glued to him.
And just like that, all the irritation I had towards him suddenly vanished.
Just because of that one touch.
"M-Masyado ka atang napaaga!" I pushed him a little when I noticed how fast my heart was beating.
Tumingin siya sa'kin at ngumuso. "I was gone for a month and you're pushing me away."
Those plump lips, those dark eyes and soft hair...his deep dimples. Fuck, I missed all of that. Nang tingnan ko siya muli, napansin ko na pumayat siya lalo kaya nangunot ang noo ko. Hindi ba siya pinapakain ng maayos do'n? Bakit siya pumayat?
Kasalanan niya 'to! He didn't even give me a single selfie while he was there! He'd video call during the first week and that was it, hindi na nasundan!
Before I even realized it, tears were already bottling in my eyes until they started falling one by one. Mabilis ko siyang niyakap nang mahigpit at umiyak sa kan'ya.
"Fuck," he muttered. "Bakit ka umiiyak? Na-miss mo ba ako masyado?"
"Nakakainis ka!" Sigaw ko at mahinang sinuntok siya sa dibdib. "Nakakairita!"
"I'm sorry..." bulong niya habang sinisimulang haplusin ang buhok ko. By doing that, he's only going to make me cry harder!
"Sssh, don't cry."
I sniffed and gave him light punches again, trying to let my actions speak for themselves. I just...missed him so much. And the fact that we didn't have proper communication made me think I was already losing him. That he was already letting go.
Dahil sa isang yakap niya lang nang makarating ako, lumabas tuloy lahat ng nararamdaman ko!
"I'm sorry..." Pag-uulit niya habang patuloy sa pagpatahan sa'kin. Nakakahiya, basang-basa na tuloy ang puting damit niya! Halata rin na kauuwi niya lang talaga at masyadong magulo ang condo niya at kung saan saan nagkalat ang mga damit at kagamitan.
I couldn't mutter a single word. All I could do was cry in front of him like a little kid lost for a month only to be taken to their home again.
My home.
"I had a lot of things come up there and I'm sorry I can't tell you everything," Saad niya na punong-puno ang paglalambing sa boses. Pa'no ako magagalit kung ganiyan siya?
"You promised to call every day..." mahinang paalala ko. I still kept clutching his shirt to my face because it's embarrassing that I had to cry in front of him!
"I know, baby, I'm sorry," he continued stroking my hair and hugging me tightly.
Hindi ako nagsalita hanggang sa tumigil ng kusa ang aking mga hikbi nang malabas ko na ang mga emosyong tinago ko matapos ang ilang linggo.
"Sorry, nabasa pa 'yung damit mo." I muttered, pointing to his shirt as I struggled to fully stop my tears. Nakakahiya talaga. Sabihin niya pa na napakadugyot ko pala! I just couldn't stop them and cried endlessly in front of him!
Umiling siya at muli akong niyakap. He breathed heavily on my neck, sending shivers to every part of my body.
"Pagod ka ba?" I asked. This time, I held his hair gently and softly caressed it. My Dad loves when Mom plays with his hair, baka magustuhan niya rin. When he groaned a little at the touch, I managed to let out a smile. "Dumagdag pa ako sa problema mo, pagod ka na siguro."
"No." He whispered, pulling me closer to him. "I got tired for a month. Ngayon hindi na, nandito ka na, e."
He came back as if nothing happened.
I didn't press on it further, scared that he might actually leave once I start asking for more. For more assurance. For more texts and calls. For more answers as to what happened with him over the summer, why he looks really tired, why he lost a bit of weight. Pakiramdam ko masyado na akong nanghihimasok sa buhay niya kahit gusto ko talagang malaman ang sagot sa lahat ng tanong ko.
But I guess this is my first step to trusting him more.
To let things go with their own flow and not question everything about him. If he's already placed his trust in me, then I should be able to do the same.
"So, do you want to buy school items together?"
Tumango ako at nang halikan niya ako muli sa aking noo, binalingan ko ng tingin ang bag ko na naglalaman ng simpleng bracelet na may pangalan niya. I suddenly felt small.
It's too cheap. He probably won't like something like this.
I stared at it for a few more seconds before quietly pushing it at the bottom of my bag, deciding I'll no longer give it to him.