L O V I N G
L A K Y N
TODAY IS ONE of the days that I have been dreading since the moment that I realized death was an actual thing. Like all children, I realized at one point that we do not just live on forever. Our existence is finite. Though, I never thought that this day would come so soon, in fact, I thought that by the time that this day came, I would have a family of my own to support me.
On this gloomy day, I attended my mother's funeral.
Fifteen days it has been since her passing and it still has not gotten easier in the slightest. April is near coming to a close, preparing to welcome May, and I could not be any more excited. This month has been the month I have experienced thus far. Every year I know that when April breezes by, it will now hold a significant weight that it did not carry before.
I have never attended a funeral before, surprisingly. I have lost so much in my life time, but none physical. I have lost myself, my happiness. But until my mother, I have never lost an actual person and had it impact me this much.
There is a term that we learnt in English, it was used in a book of which I fail to recall for it was terribly boring. The term is ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is a form of loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.
I feel as though my entire life I have experienced this. Always loosing things, but still having them there. It sounds anomalous, losing something and having it right in front of you. But throughout my life, I have always felt this immense amount of pressure on top of me. Not knowing when or if my mother will return, not knowing if she will stay, this time. I always mourned her absence, but felt nothing but anxious when she was present.
I grieved as though she was dead all along, when in reality, she was always here, but it was not here anymore. It was someone else. Someone unrecognizable.
I am aware that funerals usually have close family and friends. I arrived with Lakyn expecting to see my father. Maybe my aunt Ester and my cousin Havyn. The Rivers' and the Hale's. But it appeared that half of the town came.
Hale arrived with his father. Eden arrived with Sam and Mr. Rivers. Of course, my mother's few friends whom she has not seen in years came. Some of my fathers' co-workers from Mckinsey's. Other than them, everyone else was unrecognizable. It seems as though my father sent the invitations to everyone within a close proximity and an attractive surname.
The Roson's even came, though I am not too shocked by that considering my father—and Hale—practically forced the idea upon them that my mother was suffering from cancer.
It really does suck that people are only here to look good. And it is even worse that my father only invited people so that he could guilt-trip them into working for his business in some way. Or you know, the typical gifts of pity.
I prepared a speech, how could I not? I would be stupid not too. But I found it hard to know what to say. I wrote it in advance, of course, because no amount of depression will rid of my extreme organizational and preparational skills. I started by being sad, claiming that I missed her and quite honestly, there is part of me that will never forgive her for what she did. But then I realized that dead or alive, her death should be private. She should be able to rest easy knowing that people still think of her as the person that she was before all of this.
Then I erased all of that and began again. The eulogy was short because, truthfully, I had not much to say. All I could say was that I love her and I will continue to do so forever. I said that I hope she is not hurting anymore. I said that I hope she will watch over me when I need her.
I held myself together well, exiting the front of the church where her funeral was held.
She had an open casket. The mortician made my mother look beautiful. There were no signs of drug use. Nothing to expose her cause of death, but nonetheless, I knew. I grabbed her hand, it was cold. So cold, but then I let go for the very last time.
I wish that my last memory of her was different.
Whether I believe in ghosts or not is something that I have never quite decided. But, nonetheless, I prayed that she was listening to me.
My father spoke too. His speech was more heartfelt than mine, wooing everyone. Everyone except for me because I knew that it was all for show. He did not mention that they were amidst getting a divorce because he could not handle her anymore. He did mention that he partly destroyed her. In fact, he left out everything except for how much he loved her.
The whole time, I felt sick to the bottom of my stomach.
Hale got up and spoke too. I appreciated him for that. He said what I could not.
He looked nice, in a typical neat suit. Eden looked pretty on his side, wearing a black t-shirt dress with her hair in its natural state, black converse on too.
Lilly came with Lakyn and I. Lexi stayed back at home with Matte because neither of them knew her. Lilly barely did either, but she wanted to come to be there for Lakyn and I. The three of us sat in the front row, Hale and Eden next to us. We did not have time to speak before the funeral, but their presence was loud and comforting enough.
Around one in the afternoon, the funeral ended and as it did so, the skies began to weep too. Lakyn held my hand as we exited via entrance, Hale, my father, and several other men assisting to carry the casket over to the graveyard near the church.
The weather turned from pleasant to scary in the matter of seconds, soaking my once perfectly straightened hair. My black dress damp as I concealed my eyes with overly large black glasses to hide my tears, though the rain assisted with that too as no one would be able to decipher what was the rain and what was not.
"You good?" Lakyn asked from in front of me, his hand linked with mine as he dragged me along.
He looked mesmerizing per usual. In black pants, a dark grey button-up tucked into his bottoms, then to give himself some warmth, he had a black denim jacket on, but that is now on me, enveloping me entirely.
I nodded. Not really. "Yes."
My mouth was dry, eyes wet. My whole body was stiff, pain and grief sticking my bones together like glue. I was trying to hold myself together, but from the moment that I woke up this morning, I have been in pure misery.
"C'mere." he murmured, his voice deep as he gently tugged me forward and wrapped an arm around my waist, keeping me close.
As we walked amongst the crowd of people, I stayed pressed to Lakyn's side. My hands aching in a way of which was unexplainable. They tingled, ached. Everything did.
Eventually the casket was lowered into the ground, raindrops landing on top of the cherry wood of the coffin. Some people were sniffling, but it seemed all so fake. This entire day did not feel real, not in the slightest.
I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, turning to see that it was Lilly giving me an encouraging smile.
It is sad that you live only to die in the end. No matter who you are, all you end up is a corpse in the ground or scattered ashes. I think about death a lot. More than the average person. Not many things scare me, but death sure does.
All my life, I have had sporadic moments of sadness. It could last minutes, hours, sometimes even days or months. But during those times, I spend an obscure amount of thinking about life after death. My biggest fear is that I will die and live in an eternal darkness of which I will never be able to escape. I despise uncertainty and all I want to know is what will happen when I pass.
It is pure torture. Hating the world, but fearing death. There are times, many many times, where I want nothing than to end my life, even before all of this happened, but I am too scared of what will happen if I do so.
"Lakyn," I tugged on his sleeve. "can we go?"
He looked down at me, eyebrows knitted together, a frown on his lips. "Yeah, course."
I sighed, thankful that he did not question me. It would probably be more respectful if I stayed and said my final goodbye, but there were too many people around. It was suffocating. Besides, since the moment that I stepped foot in that church, my father had not stopped giving me death glares.
I will come back sometime soon and talk to her grave, alone. When I am ready.
Lakyn pulled me away, his mother linking onto his free arm as we walked away, curious eyes watching as they most likely wondered why I was leaving my own mothers funeral so soon, but I did not care. Everything I wanted to say, had been said.
I wish I was able to thank Hale and Eden for coming too, but my selfish self just wanted to get out of here.
We arrived in the parking lot, stopping where Lilly and Lakyn's cars were parked, side-by-side, when she wrapped her frail lace-clad arms around me, her presence calming. She smelt nice, very mature and sweet.
"See you both at home." she pulled back, her hands lingering on me for a moment longer. "We'll have takeout tonight, you two choose and let me know what you decide."
We both nodded in unison and she left in her Suzuki Swift.
I turned to Lakyn rather impatiently, waiting for him to unlock the car, but instead he pulled his phone out of his back pocket with a groan. "What is it?" he growled into the speaker and I sympathized for whoever it was that he was speaking to. "Yeah, she's fine. She wanted to leave."
I cocked an eyebrow, tilting my head as I silently asking who he was speaking to and he mouthed back 'Hale' and I nodded, my mouth forming an 'o' shape.
"Yeah, man. I don't think she's really up to seeing anyone right now, but I'll let you know." Lakyn continued to speak, running a hand back and forth through his soft platinum blonde hair.
Obviously, Hale is asking to see me. Lakyn is wrong, I do want to see him. Though I may not be the happiest nor very social currently, I would still love to see him and Eden. We have so much to catch up on, on their behalf. I want to know how they have been, if I have missed anything at school. I want to know how Truman and Blaire are.
I turned my attention away from the tall boy in all black, folding my arms across my chest as I leant against the side of his car, peering at the busy street in front of me, observing as cars zoomed past, eventually all of them blurring into one long colorful line.
Lakyn cleared his throat, unlocking his car, and it was then that I realized he had finished on the phone.
I sighed, opening his door as I slid into the passenger's seat, cozying into his jacket as he got into his seat as well, starting the car. Both of his hands gripped the steering wheel as he reversed, looking in his rear-view mirror, and then turning and smoothly moving into the ongoing traffic, veins shooting down his pale hands.
"I want to see Hale." I stated quietly, resting my head against the window.
Lakyn looked over at me swiftly. "You'll see him when you go back to school."
I rolled my eyes. "Why can I not see him now?" I asked, slightly angered.
"Cause." was his pathetic answer. "Just not today, okay?" he said, his voice stern.
I turned to narrow my eyes at him. "Yeah, whatever." I muttered, in no mood to argue with him right now.
He scoffed. "Don't be mad."
"Then let me see my friends." I sat up, sending him a filthy look.
Lakyn rolled his snowy irises. "You hungry?"
Is he serious?
"No." I said firmly. "I want to see Hale and Eden." I returned back to the original conversation.
Lakyn continued to drive, I do not know where he was going because his house was in the opposite direction.
"Fucking hell, Violet." he snapped, his hands tightening around the wheel. "I just said not today, fuck. Can you just listen?"
My heart raced, my eyes wide as his loud tone startled me. "Can you?" I diverted the question.
"I am listening." he lied. "I never said you couldn't see them, I just said not today."
I shook my head, anger boiling within me as I leant forward and turned on the radio, the music blaring as I laid back, trying to focus on the lyrics of the popular pop song on the radio rather than the thick tension residing between Lakyn and I.
Lakyn grunted, turning the radio off. "Don't be childish."
I ignored him, turning the radio back on, trying not to laugh as I noticed how infuriated he looked, his nostrils flaring as he clenched his jaw.
Eventually, we pulled up across the street from the town square and Lakyn removed his keys from the ignition, turning the car off and killing the music, leaving us sitting in an unbearable silence.
"You coming?"
I shook my head, staying in place as I refused to look at him. "I told you that I was not hungry."
He let out an exasperated sigh, tilting his head back as he groaned out in annoyance. "Don't be difficult." he growled, his tone, admittedly, intimidating.
"Don't be mean." I retorted.
I really did sound childish, but I just attended my mother's funeral for goodness sake, the least that he could do is allow me to see my friends. I do not understand why it is such a problem.
He sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, okay?" he apologized. "I just wanted to spend today with you."
I sent him a pointed look. "You have spent every day with me for the past two weeks." I stated as though it was a problem. It was not. I have enjoyed every second with him leading up until now, but as I said earlier, I miss my friends and I should have a say in whether I see them or not.
"Come here." he said, his tone changing completely as he tried to sound calm. It was unusual seeing him this way, in fact I think that I would rather see him furious instead. Lakyn is many things, but calm is definitely not a trait that he withholds.
I looked over at him blankly. "No."
Lakyn growled lowly. "It was a statement, not a fucking question." he said, anger creating a turbulence in his tone of voice. "Come here. Now, or I swear to god—"
I groaned out loud, cutting him off as I unbuckled my belt and briskly moved over the center console, holding onto Lakyn's shoulder to stabilize myself before planting myself on his lap, my knees straddling the sides of his thighs.
"Good girl." he said proudly, holding my waist firmly.
I rolled my eyes, not giving him the satisfaction of knowing that those two words alone had me resisting the urge to clench my thighs.
He grabbed my face between his hands, pulling my head down to meet his. "Get rid of the attitude or I will—"
My tongue swiped across my bottom lip, a wicked smirk taking over my lips. "You will what, huh?" I pressed.
"Fuck you senseless."
I moaned softly at his words, unintentionally grinding on his lap as I whined in annoyance. Sometimes I despise my body. When I am in the arms of Lakyn it seems as though he has complete control over me and I have no say in what I do whatsoever.
If I had not been so depressed lately, I am sure that we would have already had sex multiple times within the past two weeks, but it seems as though I have almost entirely lost my sex drive as well as other things.
I wanted him so bad already. Since the first time with him, I have become addicted. I want him over and over, I could never get sick of sex with him. It is not even about the sex as a whole, but the loving aspects of it. How he can wrap his hand around my throat, his other gripping my waist as he delves into me and I still feel nothing but loved.
His words alone had my legs spreading, like a blank canvas begging for art. His kisses emanate lust, a sense of wholeness.
His touch made me want to go and write poetry, about how his fingertips embraced warmth once against my skin, though without me, they were once cold. I wanted to write about how the once feared became the one I feared being without. I wanted to write about how two broken individuals managed to love.
Our love is not perfect. We bicker, often argue, and sometimes we hurt each other's feelings, but we are alike, we clash. But I would never love him differently, this love is not ideal to many people, but to me—to us, it is perfect. Our hearts, our souls, they came from the same place; trauma. It is like getting a dog from the animal pound, no one wanted it, so it became trapped in a cage, but someone was willing to put up with the difficulties that creature withholds.
I knew that Lakyn was going to be difficult. I knew that falling in love with the angry sleepless depressive boy would not be a walk on the beach. I knew that loving Lakyn would mean dealing with his pain as I pick up his pieces, despite being unable to do so with myself.
Depression does not listen to sweet nothings and anger does not listen when you say calm down. But I am taking the risk and loving him even though if something tears us a part, we will be even more broken than before.
"Listen, sweetheart." Lakyn's soft voice pulled me from my rather inappropriate thoughts. "I didn't mean to snap, I just. . .I'm selfish. I want you all to my fuckin' self. I just wanna take you home and look after you."
And suddenly all the angered pent up in my body was erased.
I pouted, staring at his beautiful face. "You could have just said that." I breathed heavily, wanting nothing other than to kiss him.
"I know." he pouted, his bottom lip poking out. I smiled, the sight far too adorable. "Todays a hard day. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
I shook my head. "I know you were just trying to do what is best for me." I said truthfully. I know that his intentions are pure. His thoughts on the other hand. . .
"Always, baby."
God, I love him.
***
After getting an iced coffee and a blueberry muffin to go, Lakyn and I drove back home. I stopped being—as Lakyn said—childish, and then we drove home, slowly. When we reached Lakyn's house, I was more than relieved. We both got out of the car vastly and rushed into Lakyn's room.
His room—well house, technically, was a mess. Not like Eden's room where you simply cannot see the floor, but worse.
The coffee table which usually held his bong and an ashtray now holds countless water bottles, several dishes and the smoking resources now reside in the one of the vacant cupboards in the kitchen. The couch is littered with several Sherpa blankets. The floor is in desperate need of a vacuum and do not even get me started on the bedroom.
The transparent circular table holds my sewing machine of which Eden ever so graciously gifted me. I would have been even more upset than I already am if I had not been able to retrieve that, I think Eden would have been heartbroken too considering that it belonged to her mother.
My suitcase was still unpacked on Lakyn's bedroom floor, both mine and his clothing scattering the entire house.
I had never lived in such mess and though this was completely normal for Lakyn, it was abnormal for me, in fact, my OCD was pleading to clean every inch of this mess up, but attending a funeral was draining enough, and crying has absorbed every other inch of my stamina in the past days.
Every day I wake up with the intention of cleaning this monstrosity up, but sorrow restricts my movements.
Overall, the place is beyond a mess and it was beginning to get to the point where it was impossible to ignore.
So, meanwhile Lakyn helped Lilly order dinner for everyone, I forced myself out of our bed and began cleaning. If he were in here, he would force me back into bed as though I was some extremely ill patient, but I am not. Though the past few days I have proven to be incapable of doing anything more than sleeping and crying, I am still capable of adult-like activities, it just takes courage of which I have lacked a lot lately.
I began by cleaning all of the dishes and putting them away, tossing all of the bottles into the recycling can, then wiping down all of the surfaces. I placed the hamper next to the door for Lilly to collect when she does her weekly laundry ritual. I fixed up the throw over blankets, folding them and putting them in the designated crate for them.
I made the bed neatly and finally, I put all of my clothing away. Though Lakyn has a wide range of hoodies, he does not take up that much room in his decent sized wardrobe, so I decided to hang the majority of my things up in the free space, using the bottom two drawers of which were free to hold my undergarments.
For my shoes, I really had nowhere to place them. Recently—before I unintentionally moved in—Lakyn bought two Ikea shelves, they are thin and rest on either side of his bed, next to the night stands. They were tall and white, holding all of his shoes. His Vans, Jordans, Converse. It was the only portion of his house of which was actually organized and neat.
It took me a few minutes to find somewhere convenient to place them, I refused to leave my most expensive prized possessions simply sitting on the floor, so I decided to put them back in the suitcase tidy, orderly manner.
Once everything was cleaned, I sighed in relief, astounded by how significantly less stressed I felt just from simply cleaning the environment.
It was a good and much needed distraction.
I sighed, a thick layer of sweat on my forehead as I made my way into the upstairs bathroom, closing the door then turning the faucet on, water trickling from the shower head instantly as I exhaled in relief, stripping out of my funeral attire. Dreadful.
As I stepped in the shower, I winced, the water far too hot, so I turned the cold on more.
I ran my fingers through my hair, allowing the water to soak every inch of my scalp as I closed my eyes, tilting my head back, moaning in delight as my body untensed.
The sound of the door opening is what make me open my eyes, covering my body out of natural instinct, but, of course, it was just Lakyn.
"Just me." he chuckled, closing the door as I sighed in relief. "Mom ordered pizza. Lexi chose."
I nodded. I have not had pizza in years, it did not sound too bad. Pizza is was one of my guilty pleasures before I developed an ED, so I have not eaten it and truthfully enjoyed it in so long.
"She chose well." I replied.
Lakyn began to remove his clothing. That button-up that looked so attractive on him, especially with how it was rolled up to his elbows. He then removed his pants and boxers, leaving his tall and slightly muscular body on display.
I stepped to the side in the extremely large shower, giving him room as he stepped in, both of us just managing to fit beneath the shower head. He placed his hands on my hips and I wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my head to his chest as the warm water trickled down us, enveloping us completely.
"I love you." he murmured, his chest rumbling as he ran a large hand up and down my back.
I closed my eyes momentarily. "I love you."
After ten minutes of staying like this, nothing audible except for the sound of our own breathing and the water reaching the ground, I stepped back before I fell asleep right then and there.
Lakyn grabbed my specific body wash and covered my body in it, using a loofah to scrub it into my skin, getting everywhere, but focusing specifically on my stomach as he swirled circles around, concentrating on the white little bubbles that formed on my skin. Then, whilst I washed myself off, he used his own to repeat those same steps, but to himself.
Once I was rinsed, he shampooed my hair, firmly massaging my scalp, then brushing his fingertips through my hair repeatedly, making sure that it was all out before conditioning it too. I allowed the conditioner to sit for a few minutes whilst I washed Lakyn's hair.
He crouched down extremely low, so that I could comfortably reach his head. He probably had a good and extremely close view as I did so. Once his shampoo was rinsed, I applied a dollop of conditioner to his blonde strands and then we washed it out at the same time.
I turned my back to him and he placed a kiss on my shoulder, his lips lingering for a moment, before they left me and I sighed. He pressed his front to my behind earning a whine from me as I pressed my forehead to the cold wall.
Lakyn's hands rubbed up and down my sides gently. "Violet?"
I hummed in response. "Hmm?"
"Can I fuck you?" he asked and I nodded without a second thought. "I know it's been a long day, sweetheart, but let me make you feel better."
Once again, I nodded, feeling desperate for this, for him. "Please," I begged. "make me stop hurting." I said vulnerably.
Riding this rollercoaster of depression has been hard. There are high points just as there are low points. But, the hard part is that the highest points are really high and the lowest points are incredibly low and regardless of whether you are up or down, you know that it is only a matter of time before you become the opposite.
Right now is the lowest I have been since. . .you know. It hurts. I cannot describe it in any other way. It just hurts, miserably, intensely, terribly and overwhelmingly.
He followed in pursuit, forcing me to stand straight, then taking a step back, wriggling my body back, then forcing my back down with his firm hand. My hands darted out in front of me, pressing my palms against the wall as I arched my back.
I turned my head to look over my shoulder, watching as Lakyn grabbed my hips, his eyes focused on himself as he positioned his tip at my entrance. His eyes then moved to mine as he slowly pushed himself into me.
I gasped, feeling slight pain as he travelled further inside of me, clenching my eyes shut as my nails scratched into the surface beneath them.
"You're okay, pretty baby." he said, lust apparent in his tone. "You're okay."
I nodded, turning away from him, my head falling against the wall as I felt him enter me until I was full, clenching my walls around him as I moaned, completely wet, everywhere.
His strokes started off slow as his fingertips dug into my sides. I moaned and moaned, gasping, wincing, groaning as he went in and out, allowing his length to fully exit me and then teasing around my pleading entrance, then slamming into me at full-force.
"Fucking hell." he hissed. "You're so fuckin' perfect. So fucking sexy, huh, pretty baby?"
I nodded, biting down on my lip as I tried to lower the volume of my echoing moans. Our skin slapped against each other's as we picked up a pace with him thrusting forward as I moved back, creating a collision as we groaned.
My eyelids pressed shut as I cried out, moving faster and faster. "Yeah. You fuckin' like that, pretty baby?" he slammed a hand down to my behind, shrieking as his hand collided with my wet skin, making a pleasurable pain course throughout me. "Say it, pretty baby, c'mon."
"I l-like it—fuck!" I cried, feeling my legs beginning to shake.
All previous traces of sadness and pain left me temporarily as he thrusted in and out of me with such force, his hands messaging my behind as he left dark bruises, slapping me and digging his fingertips into my hot skin.
"Fuck, I'm gonna cum in you." his eyes rolled to the back of his head. "I'm gonna fill you up, sweetheart. You want that?"
I nodded without hesitation, wanting him to fill me completely with him. His pace picked up heavily as he moved impossibly fast and hard, one of his hands grabbing the back of my head and tugging me up, moving my head to the side, forcing me to keep eye-contact.
Lakyn's lips parted as he watched me closely, getting pleasure out of my bare body, my moans, the way my eyes kept trying to roll back, but I kept resisting, knowing that Lakyn would get annoyed if removed eye-contact, even if it were just for a second.
"P-Please, Lakyn." I moaned. "C-Cum in me. Fu—please."
Lakyn sped up even more, his eyes closing as he moaned out loudly, the sound heavenly as my heart raced, my walls tightening around him as he released himself into me deeply, then he pulled out and grabbed me, forcing me around.
I stared up at him innocently, then he grabbed my jaw and kissed me, hard and long and I kissed back, with might. Maybe sex was not a good resolution to pain, but god, Lakyn was pure heaven served rightfully and pleasurably, and damn was he good.
If that is enough for me to not hurt and feel good, even if not for long, then I will take Lakyn Westbrook filling me up to the extent that my sadness is drowning, any day.
hey everyone!
a second chapterrr i hope you liked it even though it was a little bittersweet. what do you think will happen to lila now that her mother is officially gone?
anyways please vote, comment and follow me if you want, also check out 'running for miles' by Gemma_Grace_ for eden's pov of the funeral.
i love you all, see you soon.
p.s what do you truly think about lakyn? give me a character analysis ♡