Mia's POV:
Feb 9, 2015
It's been a week since Josh was first sent to the hospital and so much has happened already. I didn't know what else to do so I just decided to finally type something out in this journal. I still can't believe that this is happening. I can't believe that this is happening! Josh. Josh of all people on this fucking planet. Why was it him? It was his fucking birthday! Why did he have to be the one on that field to get hurt?
According to the other spectators at the game, Josh was being his same old self in the goal. Intimidating those who had the ball at their feet, as well as the balls to challenge him. Then, one kid got really fucking cocky--well they didn't say that, that's what I say--and charged the goal. Like he just had to make a fucking shot. I mean, I guess that's the point of soccer, but Josh wasn't having that! Why couldn't that big oaf just relax for ONE moment! Just one single moment!
Well, the cocky kid tried to shoot the ball and instead of Josh stepping back and just grabbing the ball while it was in the air, he dove head first to the guy's feet while he was trying to kick the soccer ball. And...Josh was kicked or kneed in the face. He head snapped back and then...he started seizing on the field.
Next thing anyone knew, the ambulance was there, and they had to call helicopters to lift him off the field and to the hospital.
When I saw Josh all I could think was "NO". Why my brother? Why my Josh? He never hurt anybody who didn't try to hurt him first, he was always protecting people around him, whether he knew them or not. And now? Now, he's in a coma at the hospital and they don't know when he's going to wake up or if he's going to wake up at all.
I'm just sitting here at my computer. I don't really talk much anymore, but who cares? What am I going to say to explain how I'm feeling right now? I'm so scared! I'm afraid that he won't wake up, and I'm afraid of what that really means. What they really could mean, not only for me, but for his family, his teammates, for the guy you kicked him. What are we all going to do?
I feel bad because I've been kind of cold with Natalie. I love the girl, and she told me that she loves me too. I've got to admit when she told me I was a bit taken aback given the situation that we were in, but my heart still fluttered and I wanted to kiss her--but all I could do was give her a small smile, then go back to freaking out about Josh internally.
I go to school mechanically again. Mariana is worried about me, Natalie is worried about me, Ms. Forman is worried about me, but I can't worry abou anything or anyone but Josh. What the fuck am I going to do?
- Mia Clarke
~*~
Natalie's POV:
One day later.
I stared at Mia. It seemed as if I was doing more staring than talking these days. She always had the same facial expression on her face, but I knew it was forced, it was more than forced, it was glued to her face as a shield.
What could she hide that I haven't already seen?
The same thought passed through my head daily. Why would she hide from me? Me of all people? Or Mariana for that matter? We've both seen her at her worst and beyond. There's nothing that either of us wouldn't do for her. I love her and so does Mariana, she has to know that.
But instead of her talking to me, she made me stare at her as she drove.
We'd hold hands in school, but I knew she wasn't really there. Her mind was somewhere else; it was with Josh. I couldn't say I blamed her, but I just wish she'd share what was on her mind. What had her so quiet, so shielded...
"Mia" I whispered as she drove.
She glimpsed in my direction as acknowledgement, so I assumed I wasn't going to get any actual words out of her.
"Baby, you know I'm here, right?"
We'd come to a redlight, just a few minutes away from our street, and she finally turned to face me. I could see the pain in her eyes and it shattered my heart to see her that way. I didn't want to see her strength waning. I knew she was stronger than she was giving her credit for. She needed to be strong for Josh.
"Sure, I guess," she said. "I know."
Then she drove on. She pulled into her driveway, gave me a peck on the lips, then got out of the car and went inside of her house.
I knew she was hurting, I just wished there was something more than I could do to help her.
~*~
Mia's POV:
Feb 11, 2015
They won't let me in to see Josh!
It's not fair! They let the whole fucking soccer team in to see him, girls' soccer too, but i can't go see him. I'm not family. Funny how that works out right? His actual family, the people who he hated, get to go in and cry all over him like they gave a damn about him, when really he had to fend for himself the majority of the time. He dad keeps getting on the news and talking about it, when Josh had to pull him off of his mother numerous times. His mom is too afraid to tell anyone how afraid she is now that Josh isn't around, on t.v. she looks terrified of her husband but no one seems to think anything of it. And his sisters? Well I just hope they look after each other until Josh is better.
When I went to try and see him, the nurse asked his father if it was okay that I go in...he looked me over and flatly just said no. He gritted his teeth like he had more to say, but was refraining. It took everything in me, not to just slug him in the face.
I just want to see my brother, coma or not, I want to see him. I want to know that he is still breathing, that his chest is still pumping, that I'm sitting here worrying for no reason, that really he's going to be alright, and I need to suck it up. BUT I CAN'T SEE HIM!
This journal is supposed to be helping me...it's supposed to be making me think through things, but all it's doing right now is making me see all the bad. Making me realize how fucked up everything truly is. I HATE THIS!
- Mia Clarke
~*~
Mariana's POV:
Mia sat down next to me in the cafeteria and I thought she was about to cry, I didn't know why, but damn I hated seeing her cry. I looked around and no one seemed to notice, no one except for the two people seated on either side of her, Natalie and myself.
I bumped her shoulder and stood up. She looked at me, eyes wet and ready to overflow.
"Let's go." I told her. I glanced at Natalie and gestured for her to get her ass up too. "We're not staying at school."
Mia nodded and Natalie followed. We three left the cafeteria, then made our way to the parking lot. Since I didn't trust Mia to drive, we all got in my car, and started off in no real direction. I didn't know where we were gonna go, I just knew Mia didn't want to be at school.
Who ever wants to be in that hell hole anyway?
After riding around in silence for a good fifteen minutes, Natalie cleared her throat.
I looked at her in through the rearview mirror, "Yes?"
She looked back at me, using the same view, "I think we should go to the beach."
"Right now?" I asked. "Of all places?"
She nodded her head and Mia actually looked at me from the passenger seat.
"I agree." Mia said, then turned to face whatever had hold of her attention, be it internally or externally.
I set my car to the path, if the beach would cheer up Mia even in the slightest way, then that's where I'm gonna take her. Fortunately, we weren't that far away, and we made it there in about another fifteen minutes. I parked the car and cut off the engine.
Natalie's hand came from the backseat and rested on Mia's shoulder. "Let's go walk in the sand baby."
Without a word Mia started to get out of the car, the two of us trailing behind her. I knew she wasn't completely happy in this moment, but I also knew, she wasn't completely miserable either. Maybe there was hope for her yet.
We all walked on the beach for a while, them two hand in hand, and me the closest to the water letting my feet get wet. It wasn't late in the day yet, only around 2 o'clock, so the sun was beating down on us. I could hear them murmuring to the right of me, Natalie asking Mia what she could do and Mia just saying nothing over and over again. I felt bad for Natalie, she didn't understand how much Mia cared about people, about things in general. She'd feel this crappy, almost as if it was entirely her fault, until Josh was better again. Nothing would cheer her up but time.
~*~
Mia's POV:
Feb 13, 2015
Josh is dead...
He was annouced brain dead two days ago when I tried to visit him, but no one was told until today. They thought that maybe he'd come back, that maybe they'd be able to take him off of the machine. They say that on that night, Josh brain just stopped responding.
His parents made an annoucement, that they can't live with their son on a machine. They don't want to wait any longer. They're gonna pull the plug tonight after they say they're good-byes.
What about my good-bye? No one is allowed to see him tonight. We have to wait for the wake and funeral.
Josh is dead. MY Josh is dead.
What am I gonna do?
I wrote a poem about how I feel but...It's not enough.
"Josh" (A Poem)
When people ask me who you were
I can tell them you were everything--
Everything that I aspired to be.
You were my inspiration.
What more is there to say?
But now..
Where are you now?
Gone in the clouds somewhere,
Away from my eyes,
Sleeping peacefully
As I toss and turn
Having nightmares of the worst.
But it's funny,
The worst has already happened.
You're gone from my sight
In only a matter of moments.
The tears I cry
Don't mean much,
Because there's nothing
That I can do to save you.
There's nothing I can do
To bring you back to me.
When people ask me who you were
I can say you were blood,
My brother in life.
But, who are you now?
Where are you now?
If those questions are asked..
I can only say,
Josh is dead.
- Mia Clarke
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Not much to say.
- A. Kvng