The session started in the car itself. After a few breathing exercises, Swarapp asked Sanskar about the list of positive things he made up.
"Hmm! So only this much in this list." Swara saw only 5 points in the list. Those were only about laksh, sujata, rp, ragini and his fans.
"Because these are the only positive things that had happened to me." Sanskar replied.
At that very point, swara got to know how deep the roots of negativity have been spreaded in his life. More than a psychiatrist, he needed a personal coach. He needed someone who can make him see the positive side of life. There was a big void in his heart which needed to be filled by positivity.
"So, aren't you greatful that you are alive? Aren't you greatful for the life you have even after meeting these children?" Swara asked.
"I am greatful that they smiled because of me. But had it not been me, anyone else would have been at my place. It's not a big deal." Sanskar's reply made swara more shocked.
"You don't love yourself?" Swara asked in a flow.
"What's so special about me to love myself? Since I was born, I became the cause of miseries of my family." Sanskar's voice became heavy again.
Swara understood that unhealed childhood traumas were being reflected on his present. The root cause of his this state is his childhood.
"So Mr. Maheshwari. Let's talk about your childhood." Swara asked calmly but stunned to see sanskar getting irritated by the word childhood.
"I don't want.... i can't... please... not childhood." Swara felt sanskar getting restless about hearing the word childhood.
"Ok... ok calm down. We won't do that now ok. May be you are not prepared right.
Sanskar took a deep breathe and tried to relax himself. But when he was coming back to his relaxed state, swara went into thoughts. She was anxious about Sanskar now. She knew as a doctor, she should not be emotionally attached to her patient. But he was very different. There was a strange aura of him which made his personality so attractive. It was not about his handsomeness but something which was inside his heart, or as Swara does say, his golden heart.
"Dr. Bose?" Swara's trance was broken by Sanskar's voice. She looked at him and smiled.
"I am sorry. I think I have hurt you!" A strange sadness was visible in his eyes.
"Why are you being sorry for speaking your heart out?" Swara asked him.
"So should I be not sorry for hurting others?" Sanskar said innocently.
"Mr. Maheshwari, sorry is a golden word. You should say sorry when it is really required. Did I say you hurt me? Did i cry? Did i do any thing which made you think you have hurt me?" Swara was getting impatient now.
"Because you became silent. I thought you are angry. I don't want anyone to be angry or sad because of me." Sanskar replied innocently.
Swara closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. For the first time she was meeting a kind hearted person like him. He had that childlike innocence in his heart.
"Mr. Maheshwari, listen! This is my habbit of silencing myself when I am not able to think what to do next. I do counsel others, but there is noone to counsel me. So i have to do that work for me also. That's why I silence myself sometimes." Swara replied in her usual calm tone.
"Oh... so you were not able to think what to do next right?" Sanskar kept a finger on his chin. He was looking like a 5 year old kid which made Swara laugh a little.
"Yes... but now i have figured it out. My way is to start sessions in an ascending order... but for you.. let's get in reverse direction." Swara smiled and switched on the lights. She took out the pencil by which she had tied her hair in a bun. Her hair let lose on her face which , for a second, took Sanskar's breathe away. He noticed the long hair of Swara falling all over till her waist.
"How many hair extensions do you use?" Sanskar asked.
"What??" Swara looked at him in disbelief.
"Means such long hair and these beautiful waves." Sanskar was mesmerised to see them.
"These are my original hair." An anger was visible over swara's face.
"Come on! How can it be possible. I mean in today's time." Sanskar was in disbelief.
"Oh... touch them.. you will get to know." Swara pulled a strand lightly which made sanskar open his mouth in awe.
"Oh my god! These are beautiful." Sanskar was really admiring her.
"So now if your hair querry have been ended, can we please start our session?" Swara asked impatiently.
"One last.. please one last!" Sanskar started again making swara roll her eyes.
"Say. But last hai" swara replied keeping her eyes rolling again and again.
"You should appear on ad of vaesmol kesh kala. You know.. surakshit kale mere baal, vaesmol ne kiya kamal!" Sanskar was giggling like an innocent kid.
"You are impossible Mr. Maheshwari. Who will say that you are depressed?" Swara who was rolling her eyes till now has also started to giggle. But as soon as she realised she bit her tongue and looked at sanskar. He was smiling.
"This was the reason I never asked for help Dr. Bose. The only thing I love is to make other people happy. I either crack jokes or do some antics. But only I knew how much broken I was from inside. As soon as the joke ended I immediately sulked into darkness. I asked a few people to help me out from this situation but they just tagged me as attention seeker. They always said you laugh a lot, you can't be sad or don't be an attention seeker or you are such a thankless guy, you are born with such luxaries and still you are sad." Sanskar took a deep breathe and ended his talks.
"I am really sorry. I did not mean it." Swara said hanging her head low.
"Dr. Bose. Just a little time earlier you said that you should not be sorry " Sanskar looked at her.
"But what I said was not correct. If those were my feelings from which I was setting any boundary, I should not have been sorry. But what I said was completely insensitive and since I am a psychiatrist, its insesitive multiplied by 100000." Swara said and was cursing herself for whatever she said.
A smile appeared on Sanskar's face, "I am very bad at mathematics."
"You are seriously impossible Mr Maheshwari." Swara smiled a little.
"Chlo ji... please start my session... kitna late krti hai ye ladki." Sanskar's banters made Swara giggle again.
"So.. now I want you to go in past. The time when you tried to commit suicide very first time." Swara took her notebook.
Sanskar took a deep breathe and started recalling the past.
...................
Sanskar was sitting in the balcony of his flat at 16th floor of the building. He looked at the plush apartment he owned but he was feeling it to be lonely.
A wind came and the sounds of windchyme haunted the apartment. It's sweet tinkling was making Sanskar uneasy. For the reason unknown, he started to cry. It had became his habit. He did never know the exact reason of his crying. But he felt relief in crying.
He came inside and looked at a photograph of Uttara, his sweet sister. He lighted a diya in front of the photograph and took a deep breathe. His best friend became the reason of his sister's death. He could not save her from that beast. Had he known about her affair with Rajat, he first handedly stopped her.
"No god! I can't handle this. I just don't want to handle this. I can't handle these miseries." He fell on his knees and curled himself on the floor.
He came near the mirror and looked at himself. Dark circles under his eyes, overgrown beard, lips became dark due to smoking. He had not even taken bath for more than a week.
( author's note: in depression, person forgets to take care of himself. He just want to be alone and sleep. So don't judge him for being unhygienic.)
He took a deep breathe and took a decision. He took out his phone and typed something and sent it to Laksh.
"Laksh, consider this as my last note. I am commiting suicide on my own will. Nobody is responsible for my condition. I don't want anybody to be bothered by police after my death.
Laksh, tell chachi I am sorry for not being able to save Sujata. Give my regards to father and chachu. My soul will always be your guardian. My best wishes to you and ragini. Please get married fast and if reincarnation is true, I want to come as your child.
Convey my sorry to Kavita too. Ask her not to cry. I know she still loves me but I couldn't give her the love she deserved. Ask her to move on in her life and be happy with Sahil. He loves her a lot.
Convey my regards to fans. They are the reason that I became who I am today.
My last good bye to all,
Sanskar Maheshwari"
Sanskar sent the message to laksh and looked at the balcony. He kept the documents on the table in his bedroom in which it was clearly written that in case of his death, all his property should be divided in three parts. One was for uttara women wellfare trust, one for orphanage and one for laksh's hospital.
He then looked at the balcony and again tears came in his eyes. He had a very painful life but this was going to be end now. His sufferings will be ended soon. He took a deep breathe and looked at the sky. He collected all his coueage and jumped down from the balcony to end his miseries.
..........................
Swara was hearing each and every word of him with deep empathy. She wrote a few words in her notes regarding this incidence. One thing that she noticed was the absence of name of his mother from the suicide note. Another thing was Uttara's death. Last but not the least was Kavita. And why was he considering himself responsible for Uttara's death?
She forwarded a kerchief to him.
"Wipe your tears, Mr. Maheshwari."
Sanskar wiped his tears with her kerchief and looked at her with a smile, "will I ever be happy, dr. Bose?"
Swara exhaled her breathe and nodded in approval with a warm smile, "If you follow what I say!"
"Yes... I will" Sanskar replied.
"Then wait for the next session. Let's get back." Swara started the car, "my take home notice is, you have to write more things which you believe are blessings."
"Then let me write your name in it too, you made me really happy today." Sanskar replied innocently and this made Swara's heart skip a beat.
"Thanks a lot, Mr. Maheshwari." Swara felt a little awkward. For the first time someone acknowledged her efforts. For the first time, someone realised that he may be happy because of her.
"What happened?" Sanskar clicked his fingers in front of Swara.
"Nothing.. nothing" swara started concentrating on her driving. She started the radio on the car. An english song was playing but she did not know why, every word was matching the situation for her. Or it was really only for her???
Sanskar too was having the same emotion looking at her smile. He has understood by now that Swara was doing much more than a proffessional psychiatrist would have done. No proffessional person would have treated him without taking charges just because he misunderstood her as a gold digger. No one would have treated him after her hectic duty hours. Noone would have done this to cheer him up what she did by taking him to his real fans.
The main words of song were
Words , and words are all I have, to take your heart away!!!!
And really, words and talks were making their hearts beat in synchrony.
Swara put on breaks of car and bid good bye to Sanskar. Sanskar waved. She saw him going but he turned back and came near, "I have forgotten to say something!"
"What?" Swara replied.
"Surakshit kale mere baal, vaesmol ne kiya kamal!" Sanskar said and giggled. Before swara could ubderstood what had happened, he went far.
"You are impossible, Mr.Maheshwari!" Swara yelled.
In return, Sanskar did the signature step of one of his superhit movies.
Was it the begining of a beautiful journey? Definity it was!!!