TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter does contain suicide/abuse. If this is triggering please skip this chapter and read the bottom to be caught up.
People weren't born cruel.
They were taught it.
And when it was comprehend, it was hard to weave out.
For hatred, pain, and anger was built and loaded. That smashing it wouldn't do it any good. Not even the strongest human could tear it apart, because psychological torment is weapon that hurts not just others but also the individual.
And Cassie was no different.
Cassidy
My parents loved each other, still do.
They loved me, still do.
No matter the situation, the issue or challenge their love was impossible to break. Not once did they falter... not once did their love falter. It was the fairytale love story, where the man and woman loved each other for eternity. Had a family and watched them grow. That's how I saw my family, that's how my family portrayed itself, that's how it was outside the house.
But behind closed doors... it was a nightmare.
My father, a drunk who cheated on my mother every 'business trip'.
My mother, a woman who is obsessed with ideal beauty that she would starve and force her own children to puke if their meals were too big.
My brother, no longer able to stand the fighting and pain that was our family hung himself in front of his sister when she was only seven years old.
Me... a disgusting, vile, humiliating, disgraceful piece of shit that doesn't deserve anything in life because she ruined her mother's body that caused her father to look away, which would lead to her brother enduring so much pain and hardship that his mind could only comprehend one way to escape it... death.
That's my perfect family.
For years I suffered, internalized it all. I couldn't let people see the truth. The shame, the pity and boohoos.... I couldn't endure that. So I hid it, buried it deep within and put on a face. I was only in middle school, a young girl who was pretty and perfect... her mother and father treated her like a princess. Nothing could be hard in her life.
No... she had the perfect life.
So everyday I got dressed, wearing the clothes my mother would spend because she insisted that if I wasn't beautiful enough, no one would love me. The clothes were too small sometimes so I wouldn't get dinner or mom would stick her fingers down my throat. Being skinny was the number one way to be beautiful. No one wants a fat chick. No one loves a fat chick. No one looks at a fat chick. You mean nothing as a fat chick.
Nothing.
My hair was curled perfectly. My face flawless. There was nothing wrong with me. Nothing at all. If there was, it was fixed. Flaws lead you down sadness... to misery. That's what mother said. That's what happened to her after I was born... her body was never able to recover.
I had hundreds of admires, friends and my teachers loved me. I was the ideal student. Pretty and a bit smart. No one hated me and everyone loved me. That's very important... so crucial to living happy.
I can't remember my friends names... nor their faces. Honestly they all looked alike. I got them lost within my thoughts that I couldn't possibly have time to remember. But that didn't matter. All that mattered to them was that I, a sweet pretty girl, was talking to them. Maybe they had to retell me their names, but that meant nothing. Because I was talking to them.
"Maybe, but to me beauty isn't everything. I care more about my brain and academics than how my dress looks or what size I am, but that's what I think is important. You're the prettiest girl I've ever met but... I didn't become friends with you because you are pretty. I became friends with you because... well because you are you."
How old was I when I met her?
Eleven? Twelve?
Before this... she was just another girl in my class. The smartest girl in our grade. She wasn't very pretty but she was average. She didn't talk much and when she did, she only talked about school. She was... different. When we spoke, we didn't talk about our appearances, but about school events or what we wanted to be. She never questioned me like the others, if she did it was because she was genuinely curious.
Antonia Louisa Meryl
"Ani! Do you want to go see the new movie that came out? I heard the main guy is really really hot!"
"Uh... I'm not really into that kind of stuff."
"You don't like hot guys?"
"I guess."
"Then what do you like?"
Silence
She was always so reserved. Never opened up and it made me want to know more and more. Being near her, I smiled... a real smile. Everything was brighter, kinder, and warmer with her. I hated when school came to an end, so I started taking volleyball because it ended at the same time as her tutoring sessions. Then we walked home together. I knew volleyball would make mother happy because boys like volleyball girls.
But I didn't care if boys liked volleyball girls.
I really didn't.
I didn't care if boys liked me.
It's not like I liked hanging out with them. I enjoyed being with Ani. She was funny, smart too. She told me all about France and pointed out the planets from the stars. Sometimes she would even show me historical stuff her ancestors passed down. I didn't really care for any of that stuff, but it was fun with her.
Everything was fun with Ani.
Everything.
"You're going to be a cheerleader in high school?"
"Yeah it just looked really cool! I have to lose a ton of weight though. No way will I get accepted with how I currently look, I'm a cow!"
"I think you look great."
Mom told me to be a cheerleader, because cheerleaders are pretty, popular and cute. The boys love cheerleaders and if I don't become one than I'll be miserable forever. So I have to become a cheerleader... just like her.
I didn't want to be one, but mom said to. I had no choice.
I worked out, I ate less, and I fainted often. Mom splashed water in my face and told me to get up... I was too fat... I looked like a whale... No one would ever love me if they saw me now... I'm gross.
"Come on Ani just tell me!"
"Why do you care so much?"
"Because we're best friends! We tell each other these things! I tell you who I like and you tell me who you like. That's normal you know!"
"Well... who do you like?"
"I asked first!"
"Ugh."
"Please?"
"I like you."
I was happy.
Ani likes me?
Ani likes me.
Ani likes me!
So I kissed her. Then we became girlfriends.
Everything was perfect, everything was great. Ani and I are dating. Ani loves me and I love Ani. Ani is my girlfriend and I'm her girlfriend! We get to go on dates, hold hands, kiss and cuddle! She's my girlfriend!
"Do you know what you've done? Do you know what life you will have Cassidy! You will be nothing! That girl... she doesn't love you! You are a fucking idiot, a damn idiot! The time and effort I spent with you! The training and love! You've wasted it! You've wasted everything! You've ruined everything you damn girl. You fucking whore! You fucking lesbian whore! I swear, I am going to fucking kill you!"
Mom wasn't happy at the news.
Mom banished me from ever seeing Ani and said if I ever see her again... I will be killed.
But... I love Ani.
"Ani, can we not be a couple in front of everyone?"
"What?"
"Well... I want to be a cheerleader and if people find out I'm... well that we're dating then I can't be one. I was just wondering if it would be okay if we just kept it a secret... you know."
"Uh... okay."
"Thanks... and I don't think you should come to my house anymore, because my parents may find out and my mom always tells everyone's parents everything. So I would like it if you also didn't tell your parents."
"I... Okay."
"And... so no one suspects us dating, I think we shouldn't be friends either... in school of course! I want to hangout with you all the time outside of school! Just... just so we don't get found out."
"Hmmm..."
"And... well cheerleaders have an image to uphold. You know... dating guys and stuff. So is it okay?"
"What? What are you asking?"
"Well if I don't date guys then the other cheer girls will get suspicious and... if my mom doesn't hear I'm dating guys or actively trying to date a guy... she'll get suspicious."
"... What do you want to do with them?"
"Nothing like we've done! Just maybe kissing and holding hands."
"Kissing... but we're dating."
"In secret."
"Yeah... true."
"I only love you Ani... you're the only person that matters to me. I promise that no matter what, you are the only one who I have in my heart. I couldn't live without you Ani. You're my entire world, my everything."
"I love you too Cassie."
"I'm yours forever."
"I am yours forever too Cassie."
Ani.
Ani..
Ani...
I love Ani. Ani loves me.
Ani is mine. I am Ani's.
I don't need anyone but Ani. She's the only person who truly loves me. She's the only one who cares. I can't lose her... I can never lose Ani.
Without Ani... I'm nothing.
For those who skipped this chapter:
Cassie expresses how she is abused by her mother because her mother believes beauty is everything and blames Cassie for having her father fall for other women. Cassie's older brother committed suicide due to the family issues and Cassie witnessed it. This causes Cassie to get attached to Ani because it was the first time she felt loved. She becomes sorta obsessed with Ani.
The mother finds out Cassie is dating Ani and abuses her more. This causes Cassie to want to hide her relationship. Cassie mother also forces Cassie to lose weight to be a cheerleader because her mother believes that is what is important.