44 -
The next morning was something like we were up and I wasn't talking to Darshan. I stood in front of the mirror, doing my eyeliner.
He eyed me sitting on the bed and well in my defence, I was mad at him.
My stomach growled, I'll never understand my stomach, my hunger and my relationship with food.
I had this super weird eating condition called ARFID. When you talk people about eating problems, they say oh you've anorexia where you just DON'T eat because you like looking pale and you're obsessed with it.
It's like Avoidant/Restrictive food intake disorder which clearly explains it. I've picky food habits, I sometimes don't want to eat certain thing even when I was excited about it five minutes back. Life is so weird just like my body and it's disorders.
For example, imagine you love kashewes and you have eaten it all your life but one day your body decides otherwise and boom you've an allergy with kashewes just like that. Weird.
I don't think scientists can explain our entire body and it's behavior which is super weird.
I colored the wing I just made and he eyed me while I looked at him through the mirror.
"I can't do this, what did I do?", Darshan asked, irritatedly.
"Weren't you flirting with someone else last night IN FRONT OF your woman, weren't you?", I got up, picking my bag up as I'd kept all the clothes in the hotel wardrobe.
"God, for the room", Darshan justified.
"Say whatever you want to say, I don't give a fuck", I walked out followed by Darshan.
"So, you'll spend all the day making a screwed up face, haa", Darshan commented.
"Is it good if I flirt with Meet? Since he and I, we share a very good spiritual state of flirting", I looked at him.
"But Meet's my friend", Darshan retorted.
"So?", I raised a brow. "I'll spend the day enjoying by the way, just without you", I added.
"I think you're overreacting Vaid! What do you want me to do, write a love letter from my blood", Darshan said, as I walked out of the corridor.
"Yeah, I don't...I don't think you've the guts for it really", I mocked and I assumed it'll bruise his ego bad but he deserved it.
With him, it was like you were always in a state of getting an opinion on. That you've some standard to maintain and being the person I'm, it's hard for me to fucking accept it but I'm accepting it because I was anxious, so much. Every moment.
I loved him just like Icarus loved dreams but I couldn't figure this out and it was getting frustrating.
So, I was venting not about just the flirting but actually the way he is, which is super messed up. I so wanted to be in a room with my laptop and just write something in order to compliment how I feel right now but even if I were, I don't think I can frame sentences.
"Okay, fuck you! But, can we save this for later and focus on this?", he asked me, gesturing vaguely.
"What place is this again?", I questioned.
"Igatpuri, its fascinating. You just see, so I've pretty much 14 or 15 things to do and I think we'll cover it", he said and I shrugged.
So, we hopped on the bike and Darshan knew his way around as he already had a conversation with one of the hotel staff about this while I was showering but as I wasn't talking to him I didn't asked him anything.
We reached in 15 minutes barely, a beautiful dam. Wow, so beautiful. It's way better than New Thehri dam considering its the largest dam on the mountains in Asia.
I stepped off the bike as Darshan parked it, while I looked around, as much as I could see, I could see the green which reminded me of: unexpected-ness.
We walked slowly on the long sidewalk with only a bunch of other people as dam doesn't interests tourist that much, I can figure.
"So, this is Vitarna river and all I know is this dam was built in early 1950s and its a major part for Mumbai's water and electricity", Darshan informed me.
Woah, this was built in the mid 90s! Darshan just knows me pretty well.
On one side of the sidewalk was water, infinite water and the other was greenery, plain nature. I just love what it symbolized.
We took a silent walk and reached the end, as we turned around and Darshan held my wrist.
"Look, we can just go back home if you want because right now I don't think we can have that much fun what I expected", he said. "And I'm sorry about last night but it was pretty harmless considering I'm out with you and not a receptionist and I don't know why you think so low of youself but if it still affected you that much, fine I loose. I am sorry", he said.
I had a guilt trip now.
Do you ever just hate how your emotions function? Yeah, me too.
"It's okay Raval", I tried to give him a beam.
He looked at me for a brief minute before saying, "It's something else as well, isn't it?"
I sat down, aside my legs hanging from the hill and he sat beside me slowly.
"I...you know it's really not your fault. I just need so much reassurance and I act like a wreck all the time. I don't...know...what to say really...but...uh...like...why do you like me exactly?", I asked and he exhaled heavily.
We silently looked at the morning sky, it took him a little while to answer, "Why is Maggi your go-to food?", he asked back.
"Well, because its convinient, tasty, easy", I answered.
"Yeah, but what else? A lot of things are also convinient, tasty and easy so why Maggi?", Darshan shot.
"There's no perfect way I can describe it. I just like it Raval", I told him, instantly.
"Same, feelings Vaid! I just like you but if you want to hear some good old adjectives, I'll write a song about you I don't know", Darshan said.
I kinda got it.
"Yeah, I get it", I said. "But, like I know it's offensive, but...uh...like...uh...m...you cheated on Dhriti, right? What if you find someone more better", I said, turning my face to look at him. Weirdly, he stretched his lips into a half smile looking at his feet hanging.
"It's complex Vaid! With you, I get it since you have mixed feelings with that topic specifically. Love, it doesn't gives you an excuse to cheat on someone you know. You can't lie, cheat and do shit just because you are in love okay?", he looked at me. "But, I don't know if I can ever put it and give you the complete assurance", he took my hands in his. "Can you go back to our first kiss that night?", he asked me.
I remembered. I never forgot actually.
"Yeah, you were standing there awkwardly. I kissed you", I smiled softly, mostly at how childish it looked if I'm reminiscing it from now.
"It was the kind of kiss that made me realise that I was never so happy in my whole life till that moment", he said. "So, I don't know if I can put in the Austen or Brontë way and I certainly can't promise you forever, if someone does it's a scam, but I think my reality is better than my dreams now that I'm living the life on the road, doing what I want. I prefer my reality with you in it", he said, in a husky voice.
"I think you just wanted to hear this but it was better than the Austen and the Brontë way", I mocked and he chuckled lightly.
"Also, can you just forget about Meet? Like, erase his existence from your head. I don't like that idea of it", he shrugged and I laughed.
"Deal done, write songs about me", I said.
"Done, write stories about me", he said.
"Typical artist romance", I got up, pulling him up. "Where to?", I asked him.
"Wait and watch", we ran towards the bike.
*
The next place we were at was the world's largest meditation center - Vipassana Institute. Darshan said, he really wanted to see this.
Mediation and I, we never did good. It's good really, amazing for your mind but I just, me and meditation can't be in one sentence.
Ratan, our guide guided us through the various courses and services. What I really liked was, the accommodation, food, and mediation instructions were free of cost.
"So, are you also in awe of mediation like your boyfriend?", Ratan asked me.
"Um, not really! I suck at waking up early because my lifestyle is flexible and I can't focus on one thing if I'm sitting idle. I live in my head, it's too tough", I smiled lightly.
"One of the basic misconceptions about meditation is that it must be done in the morning. You can do music meditation, walk in meditation, it's wide variety of them really", Ratan informed and I nodded.
"I'm really looking forward towards this", Darshan said to Ratan about something I had no idea about.
The architecture looked like tibetan, chinese. There were minute deatils to them, phenomenal.
"This is also a research insitue, here you'll sit for an hour", Ratan bought us to an open ground with a garden and a lot of people sitting and mediating.
"Well, I imagined a trek or something and a few kisses not this", I rolled my eyes at Darshan.
"Thank you Ratan", Darshan pushed me to sit. "Vaid, try it at least", he smiled at me. "A relationship is way more than sex and kisses. This will help with that", he pointed at my head, shutting his eyes close.
But why does a relationship has to be about meditation? Boring!
I closed my eyes shut.
I tried not to think about much stuff but I could really feel the need for him to tap my ass man. Now, that he's interested more in meditation and not having sex with me.
Am I a toxic girlfriend though?
Like, I should appreciate him mediating, right?
As children, spinning in circles to feel dizzy was our first attempt to get high and alter our minds and now we have alcohol and drugs for it, nice observation T!
I suddenly feel like I am not enough and too much at the same time.
I opened my eyes and looked for Ratan, he'd left us. There were this really old uncle in white sitting and meditating, the guru or something!
This is some intense atmosphere. I looked at Darshan who was also unbelievably focused.
I really don't belong, do I?
Lost somewhere between mentally stable and completely insane. Depends on the day.
Uhm, my eyes wandered from here and there and as my eyes stuck on Guru Ji he was staring at me.
Shit.
I closed my eyes.
I hope, I'm not busted.
I opened my right eye, left still shut, he was looking at me. I opened my eyes and looked at him, he softly smiled at me. I smiled back. He wrinkled his nose shaking his head right and left. I nodded, gesturing this isn't for me. He just smiled before closing his eyes.
I endured the one hour somehow with weird thoughts in my head.
"It was good, you know! I should do this often", Darshan said, as we walked towards the refreshment table.
I picked a juice and Darshan picked a sandwich and a juice as we walked out.
"I loved the architecture, no matter what", I said, slurping mango juice.
"What were you doing while I was mediating?", he asked, taking a bite of his sandwich.
"Thinking, showing you all middle finger, showing my tongue", I smiled and he hit me on my head playfully.
"Do you ever do good things?", he asked me.
"I'm doing you, you're good. Simple", I sluperd and I could tell he blushed. "You ever be losing your fucking mind but chilling at the same time? It was just like that", I told him.
*
We were trecking to Tringalwadi Fort, and I was reading about it while walking.
"So, it is believed to be constructed in the 10th century, what?", I announced.
"Its pretty old then", Darshan said as he pushed me to walk faster.
"Shiva Ji gave the Mughals the fort when he lost. It is one of the 18 forts which was surrendered to British on 1818, woah", I informed Darshan.
"Its pretty historic", Darshan said.
"And it looks like a proper abandoned property", I looked up as I shoved my phone on my pocket. He was recording this, he started laughing while I made a straight face.
We walked in between a little stream of water and then the treck to upwards, surrounded by green.
We were here in one and a half hour probably and it was worth it!
This was built from stone, surrounded by ruins of rocks and a dark entry. I clicked pictures, as we walked in with other people as well, there were carvings of hanuman ji and others.
While Darshan was in his zone, I was in mine.
"They used to collect water there", Darshan pointed at a place where a lot of water was collected, rain maybe?
"I think so, looks like or maybe they drowned people here", I said and he looked at me for a brief moment before ignoring me and looking more.
We explored more and then it rained but as the rain took a heavy turn, we'd reached till our bike and the police inspector advised us to go back to our hotel as we can meet an accident and it turns a little unsafe while it rains heavily.
I was cool with it but Darshan was disappointed.
"Maybe we'll come back later another weekend?", I looked at him, trying to cheer him.
"And that will be after 879999 shows and 72627 interviews, yeah real thanks", he started the bike and I hopped on.
"Yeah, you can't ditch everything", I said.
"Yes, and you'll be busy as well by next month", Darshan said, dully.
"Raval, we'll make time. I know we will", I said loudly as he sped up.
"You suck at consoling Vaid", he said.
I leaned in, moving my mouth closer to his ear, "This is good but I want to travel Europe with you. France, London, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Germany and all of it. We can sleep at railway stations, drink cheap coffee, smoke marlboros and take photos at famous places, forts, castles, rivers, bridges. You can sing on the street and I'll cheer for you, you can kiss me at the most random streets in the middle of nowhere Raval. This is just a start", I whispered.
"With that voice I'll probably end up doing anything", he said and I chuckled.
"Like, see, cheered you up?", I felt the droplets on my face hitting hard as the rain increased along With Darshan's speed.
"This is probably the only time I hate the rain", Darshan said.
"What? No! We'll make it up to you. Me and the rain", I told him.
"Really?", he asked, jokingly.
"Hell yeah! I don't want you to remember your trip got spoilt because of your favorite weather", I said.
"What's your favourite weather though?", he asked me.
"Bad weather, like dark, loud with thunder, storms and lightning and fear inside, it's dark and you see the weather, cold, chilly and the sound. I love that weather", I told him.
"I hope you know we're getting married one day", he said out of nowhere.
I just smiled to myself.
*
We were staying at this fancy place called The Tropical Luxury Spa & Resort and as there's a luxury in the name, it did had a pool which I supported with a gym and a spa center, free parking, free wifi, free breakfast.
The thing is Darshan planned this, if it were me, I'd booked a hotel which costed maximum 1000 ruppes one day and it wouldn't have a spa and a gym and a pool but it will still feel better because that's what most middle class families do, period.
Well, if I were him, I probably wouldn't care too because you know he has every asset and he's loaded.
What do you expect a 25 year old to do with excess money? I don't blame Raval.
"You know I didn't like this trip only", I shouted from the bathroom as I threw my wet clothes aside.
"What?", he asked.
"It didn't included your guitar", I told him.
"Oh yeah?", he said.
"Um huh", I said.
I walked out and looked outside the glass door, it was raining heavily and no one was in the pool obviously.
"Why are you standing in wet lingerie?", Darshan asked, rubbing his hair with a towel.
"Do you want to swim maybe?", I looked at him.
"No, no, no, no, no", he shook his head.
"C'mon, look at it", I said, gesturing outwards.
"It's a bad idea plus Tara this is not good according to the atmosphere", Darshan shook his head.
"This is a five star resort, I don't think they'll mind a girl in lingerie. Plus it's good lingerie", I slid the door open, walking out.
The pool was connected with four rooms, including ours. I stepped down the ladder and into the water.
I looked at the direction of our room and I could see him looking.
The moment he cuts his shy act in public, I'll give him a blowjob or something, I swear. The best one he ever got.
Anyways, dirt aside the weather was chilly as fuck since it was heavily raining and the pool was a delight.
I rested my arms on the boundary, my chin on my arms and closed my eyes trying to observe and absorb this moment.
The sound of the rain, the wind touching my hair, the smell of the soil in rain, the weather like a peck on your cheeks.
I felt his hand on my waist and I smiled to myself.
"It's fucking cold out here", Darshan said and I laughed, turning around.
Oh, fuck he's hot.
Do I say that to me like 9999 times?
He came closer to me and never lost eye contact. He let his fingers run slowly over my bare skin making my heart skip a beat. As he was doing this, I noticed how much of a impact he'd on me. The moment he slowly started touching my skin, my brain filled up with these terrorizing bad thoughts. Really really bad ones. The ones that made me breathe faster almost immediately. I hoped his touch to not stop, not yet.
But then he pulled his hand back, giving me a small smile.
He bought his face closer pulling me into a kiss, soft and slow at first, passionate and strong with every passing second.
I had been with other people, great people that I don't regret but I always wondered why it felt different with him. Because I was open, because he knew about me and I knew about him. Because we we were intimate, not naked, but intimate.
He makes me feel what the sky does.