Author's note: Hey guys! Early update again, it was my birthday yesterday and I had such a great day so I'm too wired to sleep! This chapter is an extreme combo of angst and fluff, I hope I've done it justice :) Let me know what you thought in the comments! <3 (also check my new pfp, my friend drew me Asgardian style for my bday and I love it so much)
...
A memory. Which you now had to try and wake him up from.
Trying desperately not to panic, you thought hard. Would you be able to get into his mind and wake him up? You didn't have a better idea.
While you didn't know exactly how you were going to achieve this, you knew you had to try. Taking a deep breath and closing your eyes, you reached out to Loki with your mind. The minute you tried this another wave of pain engulfed you, and you felt a wild panic which didn't belong to you rise in your throat. Fighting down a sob, you pushed through it. You had to get him out.
Suddenly you felt yourself go lightheaded, as though all the blood had been drained from your brain. You felt yourself slipping, losing consciousness of your body, and then everything went black.
You landed on your knees on hard, rocky ground and had the breath knocked out of you, pain spiking through your kneecaps and thighs. Looking up through a haze of tears you found yourself on what appeared to be a mound of rock floating through space; everything was dark save for the tiny amount of light provided by the stars which glimmered far, far away. Before you'd even had time to take in any more detail than that, you were hit by a fresh bout of horrendous pain. Doubling over reflexively to try and protect yourself from the burning sensation which was slowly spreading up your torso, you grit your teeth and straightened up. Loki. You had to find him.
You didn't have to look very far. There were voices coming from behind the huge mound of rock you'd landed next to; you cautiously made your way around it, driven only by your desire to wake Loki up, and not wanting to see what you already knew was just the other side of this rock, you didn't want to look, you didn't want to look...
Thanos. You knew it was Thanos inadvertently, for who else could this horrifying-looking purple creature be? He was crouching on the floor in front of a large throne which had been cut into the mound of rock you'd landed on the other side of. In front of him there was a dark shape: a slumped, broken human form which you turned your gaze away from before you'd even looked properly, your heart contracting painfully. You couldn't bear it. Thanos was speaking in a low voice, but you didn't stop to hear what he might be saying, because across from the memory version of Loki who was sprawled before Thanos was your Loki, kneeling on the floor and watching his memory unfold with a stunned expression about twenty feet away.
Relief, a welcome respite from all of the horrible emotions you were feeling at this moment, coursed through you and you quickly made your way towards him. Before you reached him however, you heard memory-Loki speak. The sound of his rasping voice, fraught with pain, drew an involuntary sob from deep within your chest.
He said only one word: "No."
You could practically feel the anger radiating from Thanos, and knew what was about to happen before it did. The pain, when it hit, was the most excruciating, unbearable agony you could have ever imagined. Every fibre of your being was alight with agony; the extent of it so severe you didn't even notice as you hit the floor. Only after the feeling had subsided did you realise you'd been screaming.
Memory-Loki was shaking as Thanos spoke to him again, much like you as you staggered to your feet and stumbled the rest of the way towards your Loki, who hadn't batted an eyelash while you'd been feeling what his memory-self had felt. When you reached him you dropped to your knees in front of him and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him roughly.
"Wake up." you said, your voice laced with desperation.
He blinked slowly, but didn't look away from the memory.
"Loki, please." you half sobbed, gripping his arms tightly. What if you couldn't get him out? What if you were stuck? The thought made you panic and dread overwhelmed you, or maybe it had been memory-Loki who had felt that, because it wouldn't be long until the torture returned.
"Loki, wake up!" you yelled, and his eyes slid from the memory to your face. There was a split second of liberation before pain exploded inside you again and you slumped sideways, marvelling at the fact that you weren't already dead. Again, the pain reduced slowly but this time you didn't get up, you couldn't. Your face was wet with tears.
Loki was frowning down at you, confusion finally beginning to emerge.
"Loki." you sobbed, and then finally realisation, immediately followed by horror, passed over his face. He reached for you, and then you felt yourself slipping again, losing consciousness.
You sat up on Loki's bed with a sharp inhale, relief crashing over you like a tidal wave and making you go slightly dizzy. You'd done it.
Loki jerked upright abruptly, staring at you and taking deep, shuddering breaths. You were about to reach for him when he seemed to compose himself, turning his face away and closing his eyes, inhaling deeply. Then his face crumpled.
An enormous wave of emotion hit you square in the face: half his, half yours, and you climbed across the bed to sit in his lap, wrapping your arms and legs around his torso. He pulled you towards him and pushed his face into the curve of your neck, holding you tight against him. You held him while his shoulders shook, not speaking and trying not to think, trying not to cry, caressing the back of his neck gently, your eyes closed. His skin was cool again.
You didn't know how long you stayed like that for, only that you weren't going to move until Loki wanted to. Which, it seemed, he didn't. After a while he stopped shaking and his breathing returned to normal, but his hold on you remained firm, his face hidden against your neck. Something felt different. It took you a few moments to work out why.
His mind was open. Completely open.
"I didn't want you to see that." he told you, his voice thick with emotion and slightly muffled. You didn't reply, not trusting yourself to speak, shaken to the core by what you had just seen. What you had just felt.
"I'm sorry."
At this you shook your head violently, gripping him so hard it almost hurt.
"Don't. Don't apologise. Ever." you said furiously, fighting down your tears. You had no right to cry, not after what you'd just seen. But now the shock was wearing off and you were beginning to realise, fully, what you'd just experienced. The tears came, flowing down your cheeks even as you tried to stem them with your sleeve, or rather Loki's sleeve. Now he sat up, looking at you worriedly, but the sight of his red-rimmed eyes only made you cry harder. Your head was already pounding from last night and now you had the added pain of a crying headache too.
"Don't cry." Loki murmured sadly, pressing his forehead against yours. You fought to calm down, squeezing your eyes shut and trying to breathe normally.
"I'm sorry, it's just – I felt it; I can't stand the thought of you -"
"I know." he said soothingly, trying to avoid another sobbing fit. He did know. He could hear your thoughts clearly, just as you could now hear his. Finally you regained control of your tear ducts and slid from Loki's lap on to the duvet, wiping your face with his sleeve yet again, noticing for the first time the smudges and blotches of black that covered it. You'd forgotten about your makeup, you must look a right state. Loki shook his head, reaching for your hands.
What did I do to deserve you?
You half laughed, letting him encase your hands in his.
Do you want to...?
He was referring to you going inside his head. With no filter.
Are you sure?
He nodded. And so, tentatively, you did.
It was dark. So dark. You'd never done this with another person before, but you were sure that if you did it would be drastically different to this. You watched as hundreds of memories played out before you in a matter of seconds: Odin and Frigga, much younger than you knew them, and smiling, Thor as a young boy, as a teenager, as a young man ready to ascend the throne of Asgard. Jotunheim. Loki watched in horror as a Frost Giant held his arm and his skin began to turn blue. Odin telling him that his whole life was a lie. Thor getting stripped of his armour and cast down to Midgard. The Warriors Three and Sif, and then a feeling of hatred and jealously, so strong that it wiped everything else out. The Bifrost, and then he was falling... you skipped forward here, not wanting to see any more than you already had. A feeling of utter loss and detachment. The Tesseract, Germany, The Avengers. New York. Hulk. And then back to Asgard, listening to Odin tell him that his birth right was to die and that he was condemned to rot in a cell beneath the palace for all of eternity. Then Thor, a year later, telling him he'd convinced Odin to let him go to Midgard.
And then there was you.
You handing him a knife and telling him to throw it at you. Falling through the air in the stairwell as Loki realised half a second too late that you weren't going to be able to catch yourself. An unexpected feeling of guilt as he healed your shattered legs. Realising that he could use his magic to escape, and then realising that he didn't want to. You, asking him to come to your initiation after you'd argued. Holding up a block of flats, half buried in mud, your eyes a vibrant shade of purple. The fear he had felt when the team had returned without you and he'd realised you'd been taken, and the need to have you in front of him, to know you were okay. The relief when he'd got you back. Realising what he felt towards you. Hearing Ricci's guard's thought process as he turned the gun towards your retreating figure, and feeling a fear so intense that for a second he was unable to move. Then he was on the floor and you were there, your small hands covering his, panicking, shouting at Nat and then he was telling you to leave him, even though he wasn't sure he could make it out alive. Getting back to the tower alive, and the relief he felt when he'd woken up the next morning and you'd come running. Then Asgard again, but this time his only concern was how beautiful you looked and the fact that you were dancing with Fandral of all people. Jealously, sharp and painful in his chest. The balcony, and then your face was inches away from his and it was happening, until Thor and his idiotic drunken friends arrived. You, pressing yourself against him as you returned to Midgard through the Bifrost. Then Christmas Eve. Nerves, and then everything had been worth it. You opening your mind. Then the last couple of days, last night, and now, you saw yourself through his eyes, messy hair, red rimmed eyes and mascara streaked down your face, but beautiful.
You retreated from his mind, feeling slightly dizzy, feeling Loki withdraw his hands from yours as you did so. When you opened your eyes you involuntarily jerked backwards in shock. Loki smiled sadly, his gaze cast downwards.
He was blue. This was what he really looked like, in his Jotun form. You immediately felt awful and shifted back towards him, unable to take your eyes off of him. His hands were shaking; you could feel how nervous he was. Instinctively you reached out to take his hands in yours, but he drew away from you sharply.
"Loki..." you began sadly, but he shook his head.
"I'll hurt you. Frost bite. You can't touch me like this." he told you, looking at you for the first time. His voice was the same. His eyes were not. They were red. And you couldn't hide your shock from him.
"I don't want any secrets from you. Even if that means..." he trailed off.
"Even if that means what?"
"You know what. That you don't - that we don't..."
"What, you think I can just stop loving you because you have blue skin? If you can put up with me having purple eyes I can put up with... what?" you asked. He was staring at you, returning to his usual appearance as you spoke.
"You just said – you..."
Oh. Well, there was no turning back now.
"Of course I love you." you replied, almost defensively.
He just blinked at you in shock. You waved a hand in front of his face, starting to smile.
Loki? Anyone home?
His expression changed from shock to amazement.
I can hear you so clearly.
I could too when I let you in.
It is better. Like I had a headache I didn't know about and now it's gone.
Your brain was officially fried; you were very hungover, possibly still slightly drunk and mentally drained. Loki looked to be in a similar state. But you couldn't help being slightly bothered that he hadn't responded at all to your unintentional declaration of love.
"I'm gonna go wash all of this off." you told him, referring to the streaks of black mascara which were currently all down your face, "and then I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day."
"Sounds good to me." he replied, getting up with you and tugging his shirt off. You didn't know where to look for a second, before reminding yourself of what had happened last night. Loki seemed to be thinking along the same lines.
"I think it's a bit late for chasteness Y/N." he said, catching hold of your waist and pulling you back towards him. You giggled, turning to see him grinning at you. Unfortunately, laughing came with the side effect of feeling like your head was being split in two while hungover, so you both ceased to do so rather quickly. Suddenly serious, Loki met your gaze and held it.
"I love you too."
You couldn't think of a coherent reply, so decided to just kiss him instead.
Soon you were make-up free, in another one of Loki's tops which wasn't covered in mascara and drinking from the glass of water he'd brought you like you'd been dying of dehydration in a desert for weeks. Which, for the record, it felt like you had.
"Don't ever let me drink again." Loki told you, and you finished your drink and joined him under the duvet, him holding out an arm for you without opening his eyes.
"Roger that. I hope no one was sober enough to recognise you."
"It'll be fine." he said.
"I'm glad you think so." you mumbled, the familiar sound of his heartbeat in your ear as you lay your head on his chest already lulling you back to sleep. It was now 9:15am on the first day of the year.
That was one way to start off your new year, you supposed.