I hang the last picture up on to my bedroom wall and stand back, looking at all three of them. A soft knock on the door startles me, and Amelia walks in.
"Did you get unpacked ok?" she asks me, smiling. I smile back and nod, she walks in, ready to speak some more. "I bet it's good to be home."
"It's brilliant." I reply. I check the time on my phone, I don't really notice the time, I notice that Hayley has not tried to contact me. I come to the conclusion that she doesn't want to know. I make my way downstairs and in to the lounge, slumping on the couch. There's nothing good on TV, so I stick on the news and zone out. I don't notice the doorbell echoing through the house until Amelia comes through to the lounge.
"Someone has come to see you." She tells me. I get up instantly from the couch and race through to the hallway. It's Jacob. He takes one look at me and steps inside.
"I'm sorry, Man." I say to him for the second time since the hospital visit. He shakes his head and pats my back.
"You're alright now." He assures me. "You clean now?" He asks. I nod. "We're gonna keep it that way." Jacob lectures. I nod again and then we go through to the lounge - where we hang out for an hour or so. We talk about what happened and I reassure him many times that it won't happen again. Before he leaves he pats my back again and gives me a serious look. " if you ever, do something like that again - we're over, got it?" He warns. I nod and try to apologise. "You come to me if something's wrong, ok?" He urges me to promise. I nod again, and he disappears in to the street and round the corner.
********************************************
Looking around my room, I notice Hayley must have collected her things while I was away. I think about the no contact we've had for weeks. I miss her, but she's better off with out me. I pull down the picture of Me, Hayley and Eve, and then I look at it closely. This is where things went wrong. I get a thought inside of me and I get up from my bed and bound downstairs, into the kitchen where my parents are.
"Can I go to the cemetery?" I ask them, with a hint of sadness in my tone. They look at each other and my Mother nods her head, then she hands me money.
"Get some flowers." I smile at her.
"Thanks." I reply as she kisses my forehead.
********************************************
I look at the colourful headstone, and blink back tears. It's covered with pink and white flowers, with teddy bears, cards and pictures. Placing down the new, fresh flowers, I sigh. I automatically sit down and cross my legs, disappearing in to my thoughts. The day floods back, and I remember what it feels like to hold Eve, and to be with Hayley. My hand reaches for a clump of fresh, green, grass and I tear it apart further, while thinking. I think about getting clean, the nights I couldn't sleep. My mouth goes dry, and I shake, an overwhelming feeling washes over me and I want to stop it with drugs. Taking out my phone, I look for Jacob's number, he picks up immediately, rapidly questioning my well being.
"Are you ok?" He asks urgently. I let out a chuckle.
"I'm fine, I'm at the cemetery. How are you?" I ask him, reassuring him that I'm fine.
"Yeah, I'm fine. We need to hang out soon, yeah? Just us." I agree to his suggestion and we speak for a while, about nothing in particular, just random things. Then we get on to the topic of Hayley.
"Have you seen her?" I ask him, hoping for an honest answer.
"Yeah, I had a party last week. Her and a few of her friends came." This comment rips me apart, I feel like someone has stabbed me. All my friends, partying and having fun with out me.
"Oh." I let out, swallowing a lump in my throat. "Does she seem happy?" I ask. Which is stupid considering her baby just died.
"She's not the same. She was smiling - but it was forced." He tells me softly. We keep on the topic. I tell him that he has to look after her, in a friendly way. Then after half an hour more of talking, I hang up and return to my thoughts alone, with the cravings gone for now.
I think about what will happen now, because I'm sober, no one will invite me to parties. Then I think about Hayley, she never used to drink, or smoke, or take drugs. If she can come to parties sober, then so can I. Right?
********************************************
The sun slowly disappears and my eyes adjust to the new darkness around my daughters grave. I'm still thinking about everything that's happened in the last two months. I hear a voice behind me, disturbing my thoughts.
"Michael?" I flick my head round to meet with my mother, who is now kneeling behind me. I look up at the woman I've known for only a year and i crumble. Wiping tears from my face, I turn my head to hide them. "It's freezing. Let's go home." She tells me. I heave my body up to a standing position and Amelia leads me to her car. Once we're there I realise that I am cold, so does my mother, who puts the heat up full. I'm almost warm by the time we reach home, and silently I climb out of the car and in to the house to my father, who is standing at the door.
"You were away for a while, you alright? He asks, I nod and walk past him as he pats my back. "Dinner is on the table." I walk through and meet with a plate of spaghetti. We don't eat in silence, it is not awkward. My parents talk about the scan they have tomorrow, should be the last one before the Kids come. They used to be careful when talking about babies in front of me, but I told them it's fine, I'm excited to see my brother and sisters.
"Do you want to come tomorrow?" They ask me, careful not to trigger any feelings. Even though I'm surprised they asked this, I nod and smile.
********************************************
Butterflies rise in my stomach as we park at the hospital. We all climb out and walk in, automatically walking to the maternity unit. The waiting room looks just how it did when I was last here, when my baby was dead. We make awkward chit chat for ten minutes or so and then they're called through, although they gesture for me to follow. The medium sized room, squashes all three of us and the nurse in. Amelia, just like Hayley did, flinches when the gel touches her stomach. I reminisce about that time. They all make polite small talk and the nurse we have just met, starts asking about the babies.
"Triplets are going to be hard work." She says. We all laugh.
"We'll manage." My Dad says happily.
"Are these your first?" She asks. The blonde haired, small, plump woman looks at the screen then back at my parents.
"No, we've got a son already." Amelia answers, pointing at me. "Michael, is our first." The lady glows with happiness.
"Are you excited to be a big brother?" I nod my head and smile.
"Very." I say.
"It won't be long until you're sitting here, waiting to be a father." She says, unaware of her comments effects. I look down, reminded of what I lost.
"I suppose not." I say, smiling at her.
"The babies are doing great, one of them is a bit smaller than we'd like, but she's still got time to grow. You're due in ten weeks, so let's hold this off for as long as we can. Lots of rest, and try not to move too fast or too much."
********************************************
My eyes follow the swirl created by the spoon, and then I carry the hot mug of tea through to the lounge, placing it by Amelia's side.
"Thank you so much, Honey." She tells me and I smile back before taking a seat on the other sofa. We're watching some programme, when my phone beeps, looking down, it's Jacob.
Got a party tonight if u want to come. Ur not allowed to drink or take anything tho and I'll be making sure. Ask ur parents
I spend ten minutes plucking up the courage to ask them, I know they will probably say no. I ask Amelia first, knowing she's got more of a chance to saying yes. "Mum?" I ask. She looks at me. "I know this is probably going be a no. But I was wondering if I could go to Jacobs tonight. I promise I'll behave and he's going to make sure. Please?" I say, practically pleading. She gives me an unsure look and thinks for a minute.
"I'll have to discuss it with your Dad, and we'll see what he says, ok?" She replies. I smile and thank her, but I know there's no chance. I wait for what seems like forever, for my dad to come home from work, time is dragging and three o clock soon comes. Fifteen minutes later, he walks through the door, whistling. As we all meet in the kitchen, Amelia strikes up conversation. "Michael has asked to go to a party tonight." She says, sitting down at the dinner table. My father, who is making dinner, stops what he's doing and looks at me. I'm frozen to the spot.
"You think that's a good idea?" He asks me, raising an eyebrow. I nod my head, ready to fight my case.
"I can't avoid temptation forever. Jacob even said he'd make sure." I say, proving a point.
"I don't think it's a good idea." My father says. "It's too soon." I sigh, but do not give up.
"I've got to earn you guys' trust again - I get that. But if I'm avoiding things like this, then how can I get the opportunity to do that?" I ask, seriously. They exchange glances.
"I'm obviously quite concerned you'll relapse." My father says, with a worried look on his face. I nod along.
"I know, and I'm sorry, but I won't." I say, he looks at my mother and I do too.
"I also think it's a bit soon, but I see no reason why we can't make arrangements to help." She says, my father turns away, preparing dinner again, and she winks at me, I smile back quickly but then I refocus on my father.
"I'm going to drop you off and pick you up." He compromises. I smile and nod, then look at my mother, who is ready to speak.
"Your Dad will pick you up at half past ten. Not a second later. If you so much as touch even a cigarette, then you're in big trouble." I nod along once more, agreeing to every rule. The seriousness on her face scares me, and I know I will behave. "If it gets too much, you just phone and you can come home sooner, but phone us, ok? Let us know you're safe." I agree to all of this, and after more warnings and pep talks, I begin to get ready.
********************************************
The icy, cold November air hits my face as I step outside. My father and I walk to the car and begin our journey. It's silent for a while, until we get to the final ten minutes of the journey.
"Please don't let us down." My father says. "I'm pleading with you. You're Mother is so worried and just because the Kids are due soon, doesn't mean we love you any less. Your mother loves you like her own." He says, looking at me.
"I know, she does. I love her too. I won't let you guys down, I promise." I reply, doing my best to reassure. Although, I know this is little comfort. We say goodbye and I get out the car, joining the other group of people entering Jacob's house. Jacob himself greets me with a hug and we walk through to his kitchen, I stick with water, but he grabs himself a beer and we talk about how we are. He introduces me to his new girlfriend, Kaitlyn, who seems nice and might be good for him. We stand outside, in the cold weather, waiting on a boy lighting a bonfire, when he does everyone laughs and cheers. I applaud with Jacob, who is now alone once Kaitlyn had found friends. We laugh and joke together for a while, like old times. I wish to be that person again. I go back inside to get more drinks, it's a lot more quieter in here. I grab water and Jacob a beer, before heading back outside. I spot Jacob, who is talking to two girls, as I get closer, I realise it's Hayley and her friend Samantha. My heart stops and my stomach drops, with butterflies rippling through me. Approaching carefully, I hand Jacob his drink and smile awkwardly at the girls.
"Michael!" Jacob shouts, putting his arm round my shoulder, our heads touch showing that we're the same height. I can tell he's a bit drunk, but I enjoy this and they all laugh and joke along with the bonfire. We all stand closer, I crowd beside Jacob, and we stand behind Hayley and Samantha, who are much smaller than us. Observing her behaviour, I can understand what Jacob meant by Hayley's laughter and smiles being forced. I check the time, and I realise I have a text message from my mother.
Are you ok? X x.
I begin to reply.
I'm great I love youx x
Slipping my phone in to my pocket, I look back at the fire, mesmerised the bright light coming from it.
"You alright?" I hear Samantha ask Hayley. They look at each other.
"I'm a bit cold." She replies. I instantly take off my jacket and slip it round her shoulders, she takes the jacket, but smiles and thanks me awkwardly. The darkness surrounds us all, with the light of the fire giving off a warm glow. I turn to my left, to speak to Jacob, but the spot where he once stood - is now empty, so is Samantha's spot. It's Hayley and I, alone for the first time in way over a month. It's awkward. Just at the same moment I did, she starts looking around for Samantha. She turns to me, confused.
"Where did they go?" She asks. I look down at her and shrug.
"I have no idea, they've just disappeared." She shakes her head and steps back, standing in line with me. The height difference is obvious, her dark brown hair falls down to her chest and her green eyes, reflect the glint of the fire. As my eyes wander down to her body, I notice she's wearing warm clothes. Hayley's eyes quickly turn and glance at me, but I whip my eyes back in front of me, careful not to get caught looking. She brings her hand up and brushes her hair to the side, and her silver bracelet sparkles in the darkness, it's the one her dad got her. Curiosity gets the better of me and I look at her neck, I see that she is wearing the necklace I got her, I smile to myself, that makes me happy. Out the corner of my eye, I see her glancing at me a couple more times, this puts me on edge and the tension rises.
"I'm going to get another drink, do you want one?" I ask her, hoping to escape this situation for a few minutes. She looks at me and smiles.
"No, thanks. I'll come with you." I sigh quietly, and make my way through the crowd, carefully watching no one knocks in to Hayley. We enter Jacobs kitchen, where no one else is about and I help myself to more water, and get Hayley another drink. She thanks me and takes a seat at a table, sighing with relief. "It's good to be somewhere quiet and warm." She says to me, looking in to her drink.
"Yeah, it's very loud out there." I reply nervously. I check the time, which happens to be half past nine. My dad will be picking me up in an hour. So I try to make the most of it. There's an awkward silence for a couple of seconds before I speak, shattering the quiet. "How have you been?" I ask sincerely. She looks up at me from her glass, she smiles but it soon fades. I take a drink from my glass.
"Good. What about you?" She reciprocates. I nod and quickly swallow my drink.
"Fine, good." I stutter, still nervous. I quickly glance up at her, but my eyes immediately fall back down to the floor. She's doing the same - I can tell.
"Did you put those flowers down at Eve's grave?" She asks me, casual but suspicious. I stare at my shoes.
"Yeah, sorry." I mutter quietly.
"Oh, don't be! They're beautiful." She tells me enthusiastically. Her tone helps the tension, and I look at her, although it doesn't last long, thanks to me.
"I am sorry about everything, Hayley." I say truthfully, I emphasise on the apology and she takes a moment before replying.
"How long is it now you've been clean?" She asks, after the silence. I tell her it's been almost two months, and she perks up a bit, congratulating me and telling my how wonderful it is. I shake my head, refusing to accept the Praise.
"I still had to get clean, that's horrible enough. That night will haunt me forever, I'll never forgive myself." I say, sitting down at the table, she takes a sip of her drink, and sighs. The awkward silence is back.
"There's nothing you can do now, you can't go back and change it. There's no point in letting it get to you." She comments, taking another drink. I get angry at her feeble attempt to brush it off, I clench my jaw and harden my eyes, staring at her.
"That's hard to do considering it ruined my life, there's no going back and I lost one of the best things I ever had." I spit, jaw still clenched. Her eyes fly up to look at me and I keep looking at her.
"I meant that you can't let it haunt you for the rest of your life. You have to go forward from here." She advises, realising that she has upset me. I calm down slightly, understanding what she meant. She gives me a soft smile. "Maybe we can go to Eve's grave together tomorrow, if you're not busy." She suggests. I nod and smile back. Keeping myself aware of the time, I leave to look for Jacob, before I have to leave, I notice Hayley following me, but I don't mind. We both go back outside, trailing through the small crowd. We eventually find him with some other people, including Kaitlyn. They're all throwing things in to the bonfire and laughing.
"J, man. I need to go." I tell him, noticing that it's five minutes until my father is due. He hugs me and pats my back, muttering something incoherently about me being his best friend. We all stand for a minute, before Jacob follows me back through the house and out the front, where we stand to wait for my father. He pulls in to the street and stops the car. Jacob hugs me again and I step forward to get in to the car, my torso is pulled back and small, thin arms wrap around me, they don't squeeze tight. I turn around and find Hayley standing behind me, my left arm wraps around her neck and shoulder and I lean in close.
"I'll text you about tomorrow, ok?" I say to her, she nods her dainty, slightly drunk head and I continue. "Keep your head up high, ok" I finish, she leans in tighter again and I turn to Jacob, noticing how much Hayley has had to drink. "Jacob, please make sure she gets home ok." He nods to this and I get in to the car. The warmth hits me and I welcome it. I look to my Dad and greet him, he looks me in the eye, studying me, making sure I'm sober. Once he's satisfied with what he sees. He looks away and begins to drive off.