I couldn't breathe.
I felt like there was a boulder on top of my chest, weighing me down, crushing my lungs, suffocating me to death. I couldn't even speak, all I could do was silently watch as Raphael laid the dead body of my best friend on top of the concrete slab, my heart exploding with pain and tears endlessly rolling down my cheeks.
Yet I had no words.
'I just hope he's kept himself safe.'
That was my last thought before my world came tumbling down, it's ironic, right? It was almost as if the angels themselves were torturing me, making me pray for Simon's well being before ripping the band aid off in one fateful blow, revealing the exact opposite of my hopes.
Hope really does breed eternal misery.
I clutch a hand over my mouth, muffling a pained sob, before backing against the wall for support, my vision blurry, though not blurry enough to not see the agonised looks from my friends and sister, all pained and helpless, not knowing how anything could make this better.
My eyes dart to the side and catch Alec's gaze, his eyes trained on me ,sadness and sympathy trapped in the intense swirl of green and blue, capturing me like it always does. He doesn't say anything, knowing there was little to help, and I could tell by the fog behind his eyes that he hated being this helpless.
And I did too.
"The vampires breached the Accords, killing Simon is grounds for war" Izzy states, her expression stoic and mouth tightly lined, her eyes anywhere but on Simon, her sorrow evident.
"The Vampires were not behind this. Just Camille. She attacked Simon on her own...I could have gotten rid of him, but instead I brought him here. I don't want trouble with the Shadowhunter's." He explains, a defensive tone behind his words as he presents his innocence and I scoff, anger building inside me.
"Oh, how fucking saint like of you, really we should be thanking you" I hiss in anger, my eyes narrowed down into slits as I glare at Raphael, my pain morphing into fury and my words spitting out like hot venom.
"Cam" Clary warns, recognising the signs of my outburst and downfall but I choose to ignore her, knowing that once I see her tears and the grief in her expression, staying even remotely strong wouldn't last.
And I couldn't let myself fall apart, not yet.
"I warned the mundane to stay away... but Camille gave him a taste of her own blood, and like an addict... he came back wanting more."
"The only reason Simon ever tasted Camille's blood is because of you! You fucking kidnapped him...You delivered Simon on a fucking plate to Camille!" I roar out, pushing off the wall in a rage of fury and I immediately make towards Raphael, my hands coming forwards and ripping my serph blade from its holder, catching the attention of everyone in the room.
"Cam!" Jace yells, stepping forwards, in front Raphael, who stumbles back, fear and surprise in his eyes.
However, before I get closer, I quickly feel the strength of two arms wrapping around me from behind, enveloping around my arms as they restrict my movement, keeping my in place. I struggle against their hold, screaming and thrashing in anger, my eyes trained furiously on Raphael and in that moment all I wanted was him dead, just as Simon was.
All I could see was red.
"Camilla" Alec whispers, "Please, it's going to be okay"
The hold around me loosens slightly, and at the sound of Alec's voice my movements slow, the red beginning to fading and anger beginning to slip away as I come back to reality, no longer focused on Raphael but rather consumed by the electric feeling of Alec's warmth against me.
I felt myself calm.
"Camilla, drop the blade, I don't want you to hurt yourself" He pleads into my neck, one of his hands, slipping down my arm and wrapping gently around my hand, and I simultaneously relax my hold on the blade, feeling my eyes fog over and my throat tighten. I swiftly release my hold on the weapon and as the echoing clang of the metal hits the floor, I immediately burst into tears; gasps and whimpers escaping me.
Alec instantly turns my body towards him, and I wrap my arms around his waist, fisting his shirt as he hold me up, my knees far too weak to keep me standing.
"I know, baby, I know." Alec mutters into my hair, one hand soothingly stroking my back whilst the other tangles into my locks, keeping my shaking figure close to his body.
I felt all my emotions wash over me, and in that moment the only thing that kept me strong and alive was Alec's unwavering hold on me.
I knew he wasn't going to let me down.
"I never meant for this to happen, I truly am sorry" Raphael mutters, and the sound of his voice, sincere or not, sobers me and I swiftly pull back from Alec, knowing we had been there a while. Ignoring his pained and confused expression, I step back and lean against an abandoned table nearby, my hands coming up to roughly wipe away the tears.
Crying wasn't going to bring Simon back.
My eyes instead fall upon Clary as she sobs into his chest, begging for him to come back and despite every bone in my body aching for me to go wrap my arms around her and console her, all I could do was stay rooted in place, and hold back the tears.
I wasn't in any place to help her, I couldn't even help myself.
"People will be wondering what we found outside the perimeter." Jace states, his gaze lifting between Alec and Izzy, knowing that if people found out about Simon there would be a huge problem.
I couldn't be mad at them for thinking logically, they were right.
"Alec, you should go" I state, making his eyes instantly shoot to me, a look of questioning and pain flickering over him, but I merely look away. "You're realistically the only one who can keep your mother at bay, we can't have them finding out about this... Please"
He seems to stiffen for a moment, the sadness in his eyes clearly pleading with me, he evidently wanted to stay with me but I knew that the only thing that would do is hurt me more, make me more vulnerable. Noticing my unwavering stance, he sighs, disappointed, before nodding.
'll tell them we didn't find anything. Nobody will come down here.' He states, glancing once more at me before retreating back up the steps.
My heart aches as I watch him leave.
"You know, there is a way to bring him back"
Instantly my eyes shoot up to Raphael, along with everyone else's eyes and I stand up, stepping forwards next to Clary.
"You can do that? How? How!?" Clary exclaims, her eyes wide and blood shot as wet drops of her smudged mascara trail staining down her cheeks. She was so clearly devastated, we loved Simon like a brother and suddenly it felt like there was a hole in my heart.
"He's a fledgling. It's a state of transition. Your friend can be resurrected." Raphael explains, stepping forwards, his expression implying he was being deadly serious.
Resurrected?
"No"
"Guys, no"
Both Izzy and Jace object at the same time, their expressions horrified at the idea of what Raphael was suggesting. I furrow my brow at them, confused, since anything was worth Simon being alive again, wasn't it?
"We could have Simon back, alive and breathing?" I ask, emphasising the words of alive and breathing since I could tell which way this conversation was planning to go, and I didn't like it.
Not one bit.
"That's just it. He won't return alive or breathing. He'll be a vampire." Izzy exclaims and my heart drops, the idea of Simon being a vampire filling me with dread and sadness, because the last thing he would ever want is for that to happen. And we couldn't do that to him, not without him wanting it.
"And not the sexed up, romantic kind. The ugly, bloodsucking, coffin-dwelling kind." Jace states and I scoff, flicking towards him with narrowed down eyes, "No, really?! I thought we would be getting Simon as Klaus Mikaelson, thanks for clearing that up Jace" I snap, my annoyance at Jace's ridiculous comment clear.
"Who?" He asks, not offended or taking my comment to heart, knowing I was acting out from grief and not malicious intent.
"Forget it" I mutter, before turning my attention back to Clary. "We can't, Risa, Simon wouldn't want us to bring him back as some blood sucker, he'd rather die happily, peacefully not drudged up and forced into a life he's never wanted." I frown, sadness evident in me but deep down I know it's for the best.
He wouldn't want this and we can't be selfish.
"But, he can't just die Cam" Clary mutters, sobs escaping her as she whimpers. I feel my chest tighten in pain but I persevere through, my hand coming up and wiping away her hot tears, ignoring the ones falling painfully from my own eyes.
"We can't be selfish Clary, we have to let him go"
" It's almost sunrise. Simon must be turned into a vampire tonight or staked through the heart." Raphael states, now sitting casually on a wooden crate, staring at the scene before him.
"And if we do neither?" I ask, hoarsely.
"His soul will be trapped for eternity."
"God, this is all our fault" I sob, rubbing my face tirelessly, "If we had just kept him away from this Shadow world crap then he never would have been involved, he never would have died and everything would be ok"
This was all our fault. We did this to him.
"You can't blame yourself Cam, you didn't do this" Izzy states, a sad and sympathetic look on her face as she comes forwards and places a soothing arm on my hand, knowing that it was the least she could do.
I choose to ignore her words, not wanting to get into it and break down even more and instead look at Clary, who merely nods in grief, knowing the right thing to do. "We need to go see Ms Lewis, she deserves an explanation as to why her son is never coming back" Clary states and I nod silently in agreement, my heart aching at the idea of Ms Lewis having to find out her son is dead.
"I can't, I don't think I can handle-"
I couldn't even imagine myself being able to lie about Simon's death to his mother, I'd ruin the entire thing.
"It's ok Cam, I'll go with Clary and cover myself with a glamour." Jace states and Clary nods, grabbing my hand in support, an encouraging smile on her face.
I know she wanted me to think everything would be okay.
But I knew that It never would be the same again.
I couldn't keep my mind off of Camilla.
The moment I saw Raphael holding Simon's lifeless body in his hands, I knew, I knew that it would utterly destroy her and seeing her there sobbing in pain and completely broken, hurt me in ways I didn't even know possible.
And I felt helpless.
She was in pain, in grief and there wasn't really anything I could say or do, after everything I still couldn't help her, not in the way she needed me to.
And I hated it.
She was breaking apart and I knew the moment she went for Raphael and pulled out her serph blade, that she had wanted to hurt him, just as he had unintentionally hurt Simon. It was like she was in a trance, stuck in a ball of fury and ache and she just needed to do something to get rid of the pain.
I couldn't even imagine how much pain she was in.
Holding her and calming her was the least I could do, not because I cared about what she did to the vampire but because I didn't want her to hurt herself, not just with the blade but emotionally, I knew she would be devastated if she had actually managed to kill Raphael, even if he deserved it.
That was just the kind of person she was.
And I adored her for that.
But she's also stubborn, which is why despite the hurt I felt at her pushing me away, I also understood, because letting someone see you that vulnerable, help you whilst being that vulnerable was intimate and too open, I understood she needed time and I'm more than willing to give it to her.
Even if I wish she would let me in.
I'm brought back to reality, swiftly, when I feel the hand of my little brother tug at my leg and immediately my eyes fall upon him.
"Alec, where's Cam, I wanted to hang out with her" He asks, a sincere and hopeful smile on his face, and I quickly smile back, bending down to talk to him.
"So, you like her then" I ask, internally glad that they were bonding.
"Yeah, she's totally cool, I'm glad your dating her" He expresses and I scoff out a laugh, my cheeks heating at his words but I choose to ignore them, not wanting to get into that right now. "Look Max, Camilla is doing something really important right now and she's not going to have time to hang out, maybe wait a few days and try again, but right now you need to give her some space okay, just so she doesn't get overwhelmed"
"Oh okay, can you tell her-"
Max's sentence is cut off by the sound of the institute doors sliding open and I immediately stand at the sound of gasps echoing through the hall. My eyes fall upon Valentine strutting in through the doors and I swiftly push Max behind me, materialising my bow and arrow and not hesitating to shoot directly at him.
My heart jumps as he effortlessly catches it, and before I have the chance to throw another, Valentine lifts his sleeve and runs his stele over a rune, before the glamour reveals a young woman, a devilish smirk on her face.
"That reaction time was abysmal..." She states, sauntering forwards, the sound of her clattering heels echoing through the deal silence of the room, as everyone watches her in confusion and surprise.
" Except for you. " She smirks, stopping before me.
" I'm Lydia Brandwell, envoy from the Clave."
HELLO :)
So, am I amazing or what?? I mean, yeah Simon is dead and I would be lying if I said I didn't cry whilst writing this chapter but I gave you guys a Cam AND Alec POV to make up for it :) And he called her baby, which was like super cute.
I honestly hate this part of Shadowhunter's, Lydia's not even bad but purely because of what I know is about to come, I hate her. Ooops fight me about it x
Anyways, if you enjoyed the chapter make sure you VOTE, COMMENT and SHARE.
and I will see you lovelies next chapter xoxo