Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge. And I'm about to break
-Linkin Park
When you hear people talk about anger they tell you what they see. They speak of seeing black or red, or absolutely nothing at all. They tell you how they fade out of consciousness and only regain it after the situation has detonated like a nuclear bomb and they are left in the epicenter deciphering what has happened through the ashes.
I can tell you what it sounds like. It's deafeningly quiet. The silence is so loud it will mute out even your thoughts. Beyond the silence there's only the mumbling thunder of the accelerated palpations of your heart.
I can tell you what anger tastes like. It is bitter like old oranges and black coffee resting on your tongue. Like your first taste of dark chocolate, it is lacking all the sweets but still brings on all the regret for indulging.
I can tell you it smells like sulfur mixed with burning plastic. Like week old take out you forgot about after hoarding it under your bed. Like a fish carcass rotting in the sun. It's unsettling to the point you're dizzy and seeping with rage.
I can tell you it feels like goosebumps shooting up your arms and the tiny hairs that stand on attention on the back of your neck when you're afraid. Was I afraid to kill him? Did I want to? Was blinding rage what my father felt as he squeezed the life out of my rapist's lungs? Should Jordan lose his life for revictimizing me all over again?
I didn't get the chance to decide.
When reality hit and I regained all of my senses I felt restricted. I realized I was encased in a bear hug from the behind by not only a strong pair of arms but the familiar scent of Marcus. I blinked a few timers catching the lasting traces of Jordan scuffling to get out of my room in a coughing fit.
"Beckett calm down! Beckett! Breathe!" I must have been red in the face. I was also breathing like I had just completed a triathlon. His command to breathe made me question if my lungs were even capable of cooperating my brain. "What the hell happened?"
"Ryland? Marcus? Fuck this I'm coming!" Finn's voice was inching closer. I had no answers for either of them. I couldn't even comprehend the information Jordan had given me.
His disdain for me made no sense. At least not to the point that he would deliberately try to ruin my life. "I was going to kill him! I think I was seriously going to kill him!"
The revelation retriggered my erratic breathing. Was my humiliation worth a life? No. But in the moment it sure felt like it. "Ryland what happened? I could hear you arguing but I thought you were playing until I heard scuffling." Finn moved to sit in front of me, the calming blue of his eyes washed over me like crashing waves.
Marcus slowly let go of me. "Yeah and when I walked in Jordan was damn near purple. What was that about? What did he say to piss you off that bad? Did he call you Medusa?" I lifted a brow in confusion at the same time Marcus pointed to the socks in my hair. "Cause I mean I was thinking it too but if you were gonna kill Jordan over it then I change my stance. Tube socks are kinda hot I guess."
I wasn't in the mood for jokes despite Marcus trying to shake me out of my fury. Not ten seconds ago I was about to kill a man on my bedroom floor out of rage. I stood and raked my hands over my face. "It's not what he said, it's what he did."
Instinctively Finn stood puffing his chest in a defensive stance. He looked ready to attack. "What do you mean 'what he did'? He didn't try something with you? Are you ok? I'll kill him myself."
I was about to tell them what Jordan had done until the last sentence from Finn registered. If anyone was to kill him I deserved the honors. I hadn't had a second to calculate my reaction to Jordan's words and it hadn't dawned on me that by telling Marcus and Fnn they too would react on impulse.
It wasn't their fight. It was mine and mine alone. "It's fine. Everyone take a breath and promise not to react the way I just did." I sat down on my bed and started to take down the socks from my hair. I decided to give Jordan the chance to make a full escape before I told his secret. Marcus raised a brow in response and Finn crossed his arms as if to say he couldn't make any promises just yet. "Jordan leaked my nudes."
In unison they responded, "What?"
Marcus gave an uncomfortable laugh, "That doesn't make sense why would he do that?"
"Who gives a fuck why he did it. The real question is what we are going to do about it." I could see Finn clenching and unclenching his jaw. I could tell he was doing his best to compose himself. I was rather proud that neither of them left to take off after him.
I fluffed my hair and raked a few of the curls with my fingers. "Nothing. I don't want either of you to do anything." Jordan will have his day the way I chose fit, I just didn't know what I wanted that to be yet.
"Nothing?! Do you realized what you just said? What he did to you? I can't do nothing when he completely violated you." In seconds Finn pivoted to charge towards my door but I grabbed his arm to stop him.
"I know what he did. I know first hand the aftermath of it all. I'm not saying Jordan goes untouched. I'm saying I don't want either one of you to do anything right now. He robbed me of my ability to choose who I can be vulnerable with. He robbed me of my choice of who I could be intimate with. My cam show starts in twenty minutes and I am taking that choice back. That's what matters to me right now."
I could tell Finn wasn't on board with it yet. I could practically see the steam shooting from his ears. But Marcus seemed to understand a bit faster which he showed through his response. "Your body, your choice right."
I nodded at Marcus then gave my attention back to Finn. "This is my temporary solution. When this is all over we can talk about what to do next. Deal?"
Finn let out a shaky breath then agreed. "Yeah, ok, whatever you want." I watched the shades of red he had become slowly drain from his face. He scratched the back of his head and his hair fell over his shoulder. I was starting to rethink my thoughts of calling him a knock off Thor when I had been mad at him weeks ago. Maybe he wasn't a knock off Thor, especially seeing how ready he was to use his mighty hammer on Jordan's face.
"Quick recap on the way this goes. People will join your chat and ask you to either take something off or do something for the camera." Marucs was back to business and it made me relax a little. This was really happening. "You simply flirt with the idea. You can show a little skin but not until they start tipping you. You get a large tip the public show is over and you go into a private chat with the big spender. What you do there is your business."
These were things the gang had already told me from their research. And by research I mean their time spent in chat rooms. When I first heard this information it took a lot out of me not to call them perverts.
"Got it." I left the room to grab my mom's makeup mirror and the three things I knew how to apply to my face: mascara, eyelines, and lipstick. I sat back down on the edge of my bed and quickly applied each noting that I only had ten minutes left. I finger combed out the rest of my curls and was pleasantly surprised that it came out exactly like the tutorial. I had big bouncy curls that framed my face. That with the added touch of light makeup I felt invincible. I felt breathtakingly beautiful.
I simply had to test that theory. I put the mirror down and turned to the boys. "So how do I look?"
Silence.
It was the good kind. I could tell Marcus was trying to come up with what to say that wouldn't be too forward or overstepping with Finn in the room. Finn saved him by responding. "You look amazing."
I smiled meeting his eyes then turned to Marcus. I was trying to force him to say something. "Well... I guess this is my cue to leave. You look great. I'll see you online!" He turned to leave but Finn stopped him.
"No, you won't. This is the last time you'll see her tonight or you're just as dead as Jordan." Finn gave a challenging stare as Marcus burst out in a fit of laughter.
"Yeah, yeah. I was just joking. Fill me in tomorrow on how it goes. I promise I wont watch." Marcus gave an awkward salute and left.
I turned to Finn, "You know he's definitely logging on tonight right?"
Finn let out a deep breath. "Definitely." He shook his head then moved to stand in front of me encasing my tiny hands into his own. "Ryland, I don't know if this is the right thing to say to you at this moment, but I'm proud of you. If at any point you change your mind you have the right to log off. You don't owe anyone anything." Finn bent to place a kiss on my forehead. "Oh and close your blinds."
I laughed as I watched him climb out of my window and retreat back to his house. As advised I closed my blinds then put on my selected outfit of the evening. This was really happening. I opened my laptop and logged into the website. I watched the seconds dwindle down in the corner of my screen before hitting the video button.
It's showtime.
Guess who got a new computer ! Next update will come a lot sooner ! If you are still reading I appreciate you ! Only one chapter left !!!