The others, feeling the awkward tension in the room, filed out of the makeshift morgue. Megan gave me a dirty look as she left, but I didn't have the motivation to worry about that right now. Soon, it was just Tucker and I...and Isaac.
"We can go to my office," his tone implied that it was not a suggestion.
I followed him out of the room that felt and smelled like death back onto the railing that overlooked the rest of the warehouse. They must have all been werewolves and this place was like their kingdom. A safe place.
Tucker led me into a large office with a window overlooking the downtown area. A large desk, scattered with papers and files covered every inch of the surface. Unpacked boxes were shoved into the corners of the room and a small photograph in a frame was sat on the desk. I didn't have to look at it to know the picture inside the frame would be of his family.
He sat down behind the desk on the swivel chair, leaned back, and folded his hands over his stomach. Something about the image really pissed me off.
"Stand up and talk to me like you actually believe I'm your equal and not some dumbass kid sent to the principal's office."
My words came out venomous and his eyebrows raised in surprise.
"I know you're my equal. Perhaps even more so." But he stood anyways.
I was grateful for the desk between us.
His dark curls were ruffled like always and the gold in his eyes shone a little brighter in the light that poured through the window. The sun was going down outside but still threw light against his shadowed cheekbones, making them look more angular. My breath was shaky.
The air between us was tinged with angry electricity. We both knew we were about to fight, but neither of us was keen to start.
Instead, he started off with bullshit pleasantries.
"I'm sorry to have called you away," he began formally, "I hope it didn't distract you from schoolwork or anything."
He leaned back against the desk, trying to keep an air of calm and collection around him. His hands lightly gripped the ledge of the desk.
"I was training with Gray and Malik again."
His knuckles whitened against the desk as his grip tightened. He said nothing.
I took a deep breath, knowing what I had to say, but not wanting to say the words aloud.
"I'm sorry," I began hastily and he looked up in surprise. "I'm sorry that I killed the man who knew where your mother was. I'm sorry that I killed your uncle. I'm sorry that I must have caused you and your brother's so much pain. You have to know that I never ever wanted to do that. It was the last thing I wanted."
He pushed himself off the desk, his eyebrows furrowed together and I could hardly breathe again. Those were the words that I thought had hung between us. Now that they were spoken, I didn't know how he'd react.
"You're apologizing?"
I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm apologizing. It's not that novel of an idea."
He blinked a little and I wanted to groan but restrained myself. True, I didn't apologize often, but that didn't mean it never happened. Instead, he crossed his arms.
"Those things you said...that's why you think I've been distant?"
I gawked. "Distant, Tucker? You've been downright cruel."
He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingertips. "I know," he said softly, "I know and I'm sorry I asked you to stay away from my brothers. That was stupid."
"Why did you?"
It was such a simple question but the weight of the answer was on my heart.
"Lou..." he began tiredly as if he were going to avoid the question.
"No! You don't get to keep avoiding my questions."
He sighed. "I can't-"
"Don't you dare tell me you 'can't'! If you don't want to end up on the floor in front of me, you'll answer the question." My cheeks were red and my voice cracked as the volume of it rose.
"You can't understand it."
"Damn it, Tucker! Try."
Then, he lost it.
"Try what, Lou? To tell you that when I saw my uncle die and you collapse, I thought that you paid some kind of sick, twisted price to save my life?"
"I-"
"I thought that I watched you die, Lou. You talked about all of that 'balance' that you had to pay every time you used your abilities, so when you collapsed that night I thought that you were the balance. I thought that you died for me."
My voice was small. "But I didn't."
He threw his hands up in the air and paced angrily back and forth in the office. I hadn't expected that kind of outburst to come from his lips, but he was angry. Angrier than I'd seen him before.
"You weren't supposed to save me. I never wanted you to and I never asked you to! Not when it could've very well killed you- what would I have done?"
I reeled back. "I wasn't going to let you die, you idiot."
He turned to me, stone-faced. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me," I retorted, "instead of being grateful that I saved your life- you have some fragile male ego-shattering because I saved you. I thought you were better than being threatened by a girl saving your life."
He scoffed angrily and shook his head. "That's not it."
"Then what?"
"I thought you died, Lou! I- I thought that I was the one that killed you. If you died, it was me who killed you," his voice shook and his eyes were glassy.
It took him a long moment before he could continue.
"You and I both know how bad it hurts to kill a person in order to protect someone you care about," he choked out slowly, "imagine how bad it hurts being responsible for killing someone you love."
His words hung in the air between us like a double-edged sword that was slowly plunging into both of our guts. Every word we spoke, the sword seemed to twist. His eyes were wild, frantic and I ached to reach out for him.
"I made up my mind that night after I'd realized you were still alive if only barely, to stay away. Being near you, being with you was too dangerous for both of us. I had to stay alive for my brothers and I was never going to let you try and sacrifice yourself for me ever again."
"Why," my voice croaked, "Why tell me to stay away from your family?"
He breathed out a laugh that held no humor.
"Fuck," he murmured and threw up his hands in a shrug, "because I'm a terrible, jealous person, and I thought that if I couldn't see you, then it wasn't fair that they got to."
I swallowed. "You were jealous?"
He shot me a look.
"It is a well-known fact that you drive me absolutely insane."
I let out a laugh almost despite myself. He smiled a little at the sound but continued pacing.
"When I saw you with Gray, I- well, I thought I was about to tear the arms off of one of my best friends."
He seemed to be ranting now, unable to stop. Tucker had so much bottled up inside him, he might've had me beat.
"And then I saw you at the Halloween party and I have never wanted-" at this, he'd stopped pacing. He had stopped himself, it seemed, before he had said too much.
My breathing quickened. His head tilted as he watched the blush spread over my cheeks. The pull toward him was still there. The strength of it had never faded, had never wavered. I still felt it coil tightly inside me. It would only take two steps to reach him.
"Never wanted anything more?" I finished for him. He nodded slowly. "The feeling is mutual."
His lips pulled up at the corners in my favorite of his smiles, warming me all the way down to my toes. "That's comforting."
"And," he added, attempting to diffuse the new kind of tension that drifted through the air, "Ben told me that you've been searching for her. For my mom. If Owein was telling the truth, and if you're the one looking for her- well, I expect that she won't be gone for much longer."
The air was peaceful again. We had, by no means, resolved the issue at hand, but the knowledge that he did not hate me made me feel lighter.
"I want to- I just..." I struggled to find the right words and, instead, walked straight into his arms.
My cheek pressed against his chest, breathing in the scent of him and the familiar rhythm of his heartbeat. After his initial shock had passed, he wrapped his arms around me, further enveloping me into a hug. His cheek rested against my hair and I could feel the softness of his breath tickling my ear. The world was quiet again. My skin was on fire.
He squeezed me tighter and I had a feeling that words that I didn't want to hear were going to come soon.
"Lou," he whispered like a lullaby, "Sunshine?"
"Hm?" I murmured against his chest, trying to work up the energy to be angry that he ruined the moment.
"I would set the world on fire for you," he breathed out, a degree of humor in his voice, "and for that, we can't be together. You know that, right?"
"I know that there is something bigger than the two of us that wants us to be."
Tucker sighed and released me from the hug. My body missed his heat like a phantom limb.
"Lou-" he began, but I cut him off.
"It's the same thing that brought your parents together," I told him adamantly reminding him of how his mother had been his father's tether.
Instead, he shook his head.
"And that turned out how? One was murdered and the other? Well, she might have abandoned her children or she's lying dead somewhere."
His words were bitter, harsh, and unyielding. I didn't dare suggest the third option, knowing it was just as painful as the other two. She could've been held against her will.
I knew I was losing this argument. People had been warning me away from Tucker since I had discovered my own identity. What if they were right?
No, the voice in my head reminded me adamantly, other people weren't allowed to make my decisions for me anymore.
"We're not them."
He smiled, sadly. We weren't arguing anymore, which I was grateful for, but this was somehow much worse than fighting. Tucker wasn't guarded and he wasn't cold anymore, instead, he just seemed...resigned.
"I know. You and I won't end up like them, because we won't be together."
I was silent as the words floated between us. They were so permanent, so decided and I wanted to scream or cry or punch something very hard. But I didn't.
If I had to pick what hurt the most, and at that moment it's all I could think about, I would say that the certainty of his choice and reasoning cut the deepest. His certainty that his feelings would change or stop completely if we weren't together.
I, however, knew that the pull I felt toward him would stay the same if I never saw him again or if I saw him every day. His energy, his ley line called to me in a way that he must not have understood. Because if he did, he would've known it too. Distance was nothing compared to the hold he had on me.
"You know, in your gut, you have to know that this is the best choice for us both. To keep everyone safe."
"I know that you still think so."
He bit his lip at my diplomatic answer. I wasn't interested in starting another fight right after we'd just somewhat resolved the last one. My heart felt deflated and my energy was thoroughly sapped from the solemn certainty he was emanating.
I wouldn't change his mind.
Truthfully, I knew that whatever reasons he would give me why we couldn't be together, they were ones that I had already thought about. Not long ago, I was convinced that our feelings for each other were nothing but a supernatural connection- that they weren't real.
Then I watched him almost die and realized that everything that I'd once thought was bullshit.
"You can't try and save me again," he instructed, "all I know is that if you go off the deep end- I would dive headfirst in after you and I- well, I can't."
He seemed ashamed, almost. I knew he was thinking of his brothers and how he'd almost left them behind once before and he knew he couldn't do it again, but I'd never ask him to.
I looked up at him, my gray eyes meeting his brown ones in a familiar gaze.
"I know," I told him honestly. "Your brothers always need to be your first choice."
His hand found its way to my cheek and I turned into his palm, my eyes drifting closed at the sensation.
"I told you never to break up with me," he remarked with a sad, amused smile on his face.
My eyes were watery. He was trying to say goodbye again. I hated it when he did that.
"Well," I quipped, trying (and failing) to sound cheerful, "you never made any such promise."
He sighed and pressed his lips to my hair. My skin felt...alive. At that moment, I wondered how he could possibly think that that feeling would ever fade.
"Just don't shut me out again, okay? We don't have to be together, I know that's what you need, but we can still see each other, right?"
"That's hard for me," he admitted, "when all I want to do is reach out and touch you."
I shrugged and stepped away from him- out of reach. "Then get better at it, because I'm not going anywhere."
A genuine smile spread across his face and I gave one back to him. His smile helped a great deal in making my whole body warm. Part of me wasn't sure if I should be sad or relieved that I knew he didn't hate me.
His smile faded quickly and I knew goodbye was coming.
"I'm sorry." There it was.
I nodded. "So am I."
With one last look at each other, I turned and headed toward the door. I stopped when he cleared his throat.
"Oh, also," he coughed and I turned to face him in the doorway. "You can uh train here anytime you want."
A small, almost mischievous smile found its way onto my face. Tucker's eyes fell to my mouth as my tongue ran across my bottom lip.
"You know," I told him, leaning against the doorway. "we're not together, and that means you can't get jealous."
I popped the gum in my mouth as I watched his mouth go slack as he tried to process my words. Slowly, he seemed to understand that I was teasing him.
"So, you know what," I said, "I think I'm still going to train over there."
With a small smile, I walked out and let the door swing shut behind me. As I walked away, I heard a loud groan come from the office I'd just left as he began to realize I wasn't going to make this easy on him. Sooner or later he'd realize that not being together was much more dangerous than being together.
For both our sakes, I hoped he realized it sooner.
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HI!! For some reason (idk why), I HATED this chapter and writing it and I don't even like the finished product. Weird, I know. But here it is (sigh).
Thoughts??????
So many questions for you all!
Do we still hate Tucker?
Any guesses on what happens next?
Why does Tucker feel the way he does?
AND DAMN WHAT'S UP WITH MEGAN?
Love you all! Thanks for reading!!!!
Stay safe. Be kind.