I hear Eddy groan loudly as he puts down his violin. My brows furrow in worry, he's been making a lot of sounds of pain lately. "Hey, you okay?"
He smiles at me, "I'm fine. My... my shoulder is killing me though. It's like it's shattering the more pressure I put into it."
I frowned, "Do you want a massage? A professional massage maybe?"
He walks over to me and sits on my lap, "What's wrong with your massage?"
I move on the couch, making him settle between my legs, "I might make it worse."
He leans on me, his hands making their way to my hair, "Never."
"Eddy..." I sigh, taking his hands and moving them down to my neck.
He pulls me toward him and kisses the tip of my nose, "I'm fine, Brett. Don't worry about –"
He cut himself off with an ugly cough – the kind of sound you'd expect from a smoker. Except Eddy has never smoked in his life, so his cough should not sound like that.
"That's another thing," I say out loud, "You've been coughing like that for a while now. How much longer before you go see a doctor?"
"Hey, it's not like I'm –" another ugly cough.
I rub his back and smack it lightly, careful not to hurt his shoulders, "Love, please. Let's go to a doctor. Something is wrong."
He pouted as he shook his head, "Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. I'm just getting older."
I sigh, "Love, twenty-five is not that old. At least, I don't think that should be old enough for you to be in this state."
"But love –"
I cut him off by kissing him. I do it slowly, gently, waiting for him to be the one to deepen it. And when he finally did, I taste blood.
I pull away immediately, checking to see if I had bitten my tongue or cheek or something. But then Eddy starts coughing again, and then it hits me.
I watch him stand up and run to the bathroom. I watch him cough into the sink. I watch his spit slowly turn red – blood red.
I go to the kitchen and grab a glass of water. I take out my phone as I return to the bathroom where Eddy was weakly leaning against the sink, the water running to wash away the evidence of his health being much worse than we had thought.
"Love, we are going to see a doctor. No objections." I say as I hand him the glass and dial his doctor's number.
"Doctor Schwartz's office, how may I help you?" a woman on the other line said.
I clear my throat, "Yeah, I... Is doctor Schwartz open to see some patients at this time?"
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman said, "Yes, of course. Doctor Schwartz will be free to see patients until eight o'clock in the morning. He will be here the whole time."
My heart leaped in my chest, a sigh of relief escaping my lips, "Oh that's good. Is there any available time to come see him?"
Again, there was a brief moment of silence before the woman said, "His first scheduled appointment is at five o'clock AM. So you are free to drop by anytime, sir."
Another sigh of relief escaped my lips, "That is excellent. My name is Brett, the patient's name is Eddy, we are partners. I'd like to schedule an appointment for..." I look at the clock and mentally start calculating how long it would take us to get there, "Eight o'clock tonight, please."
"Duly noted, sir. Please do not stress over coming in later than scheduled, the doctor is quite at his leisure." the woman said, a warmth to her tone that helped me breathe easily.
"Yes, thank you." I say as I hang up.
"So... eight o'clock?" Eddy asked, finishing the glass of water.
I nod, "Eight o'clock. C'mon, let's eat something first."
He smiled weakly, and it was only when he moved toward me did I realize that his skin was so much paler than before. It was almost a paper white. My heart ached then, wondering what could have happened to drain the color from his skin like that.
- - - - -
cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer lungs cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer advanced cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer no cure cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer I'm sorry cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer I'm sorry cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorrysorry sorry
"Love..." Eddy said softly, taking my hand into his and squeezing it weakly.
I force myself to look at him then, at first seeing him in all his beauty – his hair shining, his eyes glowing, his cheeks blooming – and then, seeing him now – all trace of life not in sight.
I clear my throat, but no voice comes when I say, "Yes, love?"
He smiles weakly, "I should've... I should've told you." He said apologetically.
When we got to the hospital, I found out that doctor Schwartz was an oncologist. And I wasn't ignorant enough to not know what that meant.
We didn't go there for a diagnosis, we were there for a check-up.
"I just... I didn't want you to worry." Eddy said, tears leaving his eyes, leaving visible streaks on his paper white cheeks.
I shook my head, "I should've realized sooner. It should've been obvious. We've been living together for years. I... I knew something was wrong, I felt it. But..." I was crying now too, frustrated with myself.
Eddy's hand moves up to my cheek, his thumb brushing away a tear, "Love... Do not blame yourself. We all want to believe everything is okay. And that's what I wanted. I wanted to believe it wasn't going to be this ugly."
Doctor Schwartz gave Eddy the option to stay at the hospital or to receive treatment at home. He opted to be treated at home. He strongly expressed his want to live his last days in the home that we had built.
In a matter of hours, our living room was transformed into a hospital room, complete with all the machinery that Eddy would need if things ever got even worse than they already were.
Doctor Schwartz was kind enough to even assign two of his best residents to stay here with us. Having them here makes it more real, but it also brings some level of comfort. Because I sure as hell wouldn't know what I'd do in case something terrible were to happen – and I'm told it will.
"Love..." Eddy whispered, tugging on my wrist.
"Yes, love?" I ask, moving closer to him.
"Send them away." He said, weakly pointing toward the residents who were in the dining room, having some coffee to keep themselves awake and alert.
"Why?" I ask, worried Eddy was planning something reckless.
"I want to be alone with you." He said, biting nervously on his lip.
I looked into his eyes and understood what he meant, "I'll... I'll see what I can do."
I go to the dining room and clear my throat, "He... he's asking if you could step out for a while."
One of the residents, I believe was named Eric took a sip of his coffee, "We're supposed to stay as close to him as possible, to monitor his condition."
I nodded, "Yes, I know. And I understand. But this shouldn't take more than ten minutes."
The other resident, I believe was named Robert put his mug down, "Are you sure you won't need more than that?"
I nod, "I am sure. He is tired. He will fall asleep soon. I think he just wants to spend a short while pretending everything is normal."
Eric nodded in acknowledgement, as if he understood, as if this happened all the time, "I see. We understand. Would it be alright if we stayed just outside the front door? Ten minutes, nothing more, nothing less, and then we'll walk right back in."
I smile, grateful, "Yes. Thank you."
They both stop by Eddy's bed before walking outside, telling him not to push himself.
When we were alone, I move quickly. I pick up Eddy and carry him to our bed. I lay him down and lie next to him. He moves to settle on me, I could barely feel his weight. He settles his head on the crook of my neck and wraps his arms around me.
I hold him close and play with the tips of his hair.
We've had many many nights like this before. Only now do I realize just how much I've been taking them for granted.
Eddy sighs as he looks up at me, a hint of glowing in the corner of his eyes. He leans forward and kisses me, softly, gently. I return the kiss just as it is, soft and gentle.
"Love..." Eddy whispers as he rests his head on the crook of my neck.
"Yes, love?" I answer, pulling him closer still, desperate to feel his weight pressing on me.
"So..." he exhales, "What do we do now?"
My mind blurs and I remember. That was his way of asking if we should start dating officially. My heart aches as I remember that night.
We had just left the Italian restaurant, our hands intertwined and we were looking up at the stars.
"We should eat there again." Eddy said with a sigh of content.
I nodded, "Their risotto was excellent."
"Don't forget their selection of wine! I can't believe they had that many to choose from. Whoever owns this place must really know his stuff." Eddy said in awe.
I chuckled, "You say that, but I'm more impressed that you recognized all those wines." I sometimes wonder if Eddy is aware of how amazing he is.
Eddy blushed, "I... I wanted to be a sommelier."
"I know." I said. I wanted to say I know everything. But I don't, not really.
Eddy smiled, "But then I started playing the violin and then all I wanted was to keep playing the violin."
I nodded in agreement, "I was supposed to become a doctor, like my brother. But when my parents made me study the violin, I couldn't help but fall in love with it."
"And then, like destiny, we were brought together by our love of the violin." Eddy said dreamily.
Somehow, we found our way to the park and we found our favorite tree.
"You know what we should do?" Eddy asked, running a hand over the bark.
"Hmm?" I hummed, watching him. I find I can keep watching him forever.
"We should carve our names, or probably our initials unto this tree." He said with a wide smile and glowing eyes.
I chuckle, "Like they do in the movies?"
He beamed, "Yes, exactly. Then everyone will know, this is the tree of Brett and Eddy. And they are happy enough to declare their love this way."
I couldn't help but smile. Whimsical Eddy is my favorite Eddy.
We sat under the tree and look up at the stars.
"Brett..." he said softly, moving so he could rest his head on my shoulder.
"Yes, Eddy?" I answer, moving closer to him, wanting nothing more than to feel his warmth.
"So..." he exhales, "What do we do now?"
That night, we kissed for the first time. And it felt as though all our incarnations before guided our kiss. The way our lips moved, the way our tongues danced, the way our breaths became one – it felt so familiar despite it being our first kiss in this life.
I let a few tears stream down my face as I answer what I told him back then. It was from one of his favorite movies, and mine as well, one of the many things we shared.
I swallowed thickly and begged my voice to back me up.
"How about some coffee, or you know, drinks, or dinner, or a movie..." I feel my voice crack and I find I am unable to finish. Because those words mean something different now. I ache as a few sobs escape my lips.
"For as long as we both shall live..." Eddy finished for me, his voice as soft as air.
I nod and pull him even closer than he already was, our bodies momentarily becoming one. I sob into his hair as I feel every single cell in my body implode and explode simultaneously.
Is this what it means to love someone to death?
Eddy's delicate fingers trace my cheek and I'm mad at myself – for taking these fingers for granted. For taking this man for granted.
For only now realizing I would die without him.
"Love..." he said softly, he was falling asleep now.
"Hmm..." I hum, I cannot speak anymore.
"Promise me..." he breathed.
I barely choke out the words, "Promise you what?"
"Promise me you will stay, and love me, until the end."
I sob some more as I nodded, "Love... promise me..."
He inhales deeply, "Promise you what?"
"Promise me you will stay, so that I can love you until..." a quick breath left my lips, "the end."
He nods, "I promise."
I hold him close, "I promise."
He was drifting away now, but he whispered, "For all eternity..."
I exhale as I feel my heart slowly turn into shards, "I am yours."
"I am yours." he echoed.
The promise from our first lives lingered in the air as I find myself counting down the last days of this life, and wondering if we will live another one together again.