25 -
I hate my rubbish self, I'm swearing by the old gods and the new. You're not in games of thrones for gods sake, Tara Vaid.
I unlocked door and swung it open, Darshan?
At 12?
What's wrong now?
"Why are you crying Tara?", Darshan asked worriedly, in a very weird way.
Something is wrong.
"Oh nothing, I was rewatching GOT. Robb Stark died, that fucking heinous Frey", I wiped my teary eyes, making a more lookable face.
"Oh", left his mouth.
"He--", he cut me, "shut up", he straightaway said and I sealed my lips.
Well, okay!
What did I do to have him behave like this? As much as I remember, nothing.
"Why did you give me that letter?", he asked me.
Ah, the letter--wait--did I write something I shouldn't had. I don't know, I've no idea what I wrote in the first place. I completely forgot about it.
"Because it was your birt...hday?", I let my voice trail off. "You didn't like it? Did I say something offensive?", I shot one after another.
"No...yes, but why this?", he asked, softly.
Because I think I told that much in that letter, as much as I can recall. My memory is shit.
I stayed shut.
He looked non readable and I was too emotionally invested in Robb's death to handle this one.
"Um, because you deserved it?", I guessed.
"You give a person a letter like this. I told you right, you make a person feel too much loved and cared for they want it more. What's maitaing gap in this?", Darshan asked and I thought about when did he tell me this.
I was absentmindedly thinking when he came closer to me, really close and I didn't expected him to kiss me.
I wanted it after I've had a taste of it but there was something off about it. Not that he didn't kiss like a great kisser - he did kissed greatly and not that I didn't want it but I definitely couldn't allow myself to give it back in.
I placed a hand on his chest, parting my lips from his.
"No, Raval. Nope", I shook my head, our forehead collided. "You're, I'm...I just made friends with Dhriti. I can't do this to her. I already feel like a fucking duck out of guilt. Don't make it worse", I softly let out, it was a whisper. "I've no idea what made you do this but--", he cut me short, "--do you think I am not aware of the fucking consequences of this?", he said loudly.
"Calm down now, will you?", I rested my hands on his shoulders.
He's a mess.
What's wrong with him today?
"I don't want to calm down, damn it. I don't. You're not allowed to ask me to calm down and to act like the most understanding person to live and then tell me how wrong it is", Darshan looked at me in the eyes.
"Hold that thought, the most understanding person to live...are you out of your head? I'm like, I despise and do not understand half the things people do and people hate me in college for that", I scoffed, realizing this was not the time to say this.
"Vaid, I don't want to ruin this friendship but I want to be with you now, right now", I could feel his hand on my waist and the pit of my stomach filling with the insatiable feeling.
I didn't knew what to do in a really long time. I wanted him, look at him, who won't? But the voice in my head kept telling me 'No no no no no'.
But then, when have I chosen the right things?
What I'll fuck is my own head in the morning.
"If we do this, there's no coming back from it", I hastily licked my lips.
"Do you think I don't know that? I...", before he could say anything I sealed my lips with his. I took a step back pushing him inside, his body firm against mine, swinging the door shut.
Darshan pulled me back in just long enough to kiss me on the lips again. He's cold yet his lips are warm. I put my hands around the hem of his sweat shirt pulling it up which broke our kiss for a few seconds, he had me pinned to the wall.
Why does this feels different? I've already done it. I've done it with him but why does it feels different?
"Why does it feels different?", I questioned and he stopped where he was, as I looked from the wall in front of me, my sight travelling to meet his eyes.
"You don't want to do it?", he asked, calmly. He was calm now. Thank god.
"No, I want to but why is it feeling different? I've done it with you but it's different right now", my eyebrows furrowed.
"Maybe Robb Stark's death?", he absurdly mocked and I couldn't help but chuckle.
I locked his neck around my arms, feeling him. He felt rather warm now, hugging me back, squeezing me into a safe grip.
He kissed me on the neck, biting gagging slightly as I moaned. Boy, he's good. He's strong, he lifted me up and I leaped around into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist.
He stumbled a little and then he walked me upto the sofa. His mouth muffled with mine as my hands travelled his back feeling every muscle. I took off his shirt and he unbuttoned my shorts. I got back enough to push him on the sofa, his body firmly pressed against mine.
Working my way down on Darshan's body, I kneeled and tugged his pajamas down with me. My nails pressed against his skin. I traced his sharp hip line. We touched each other and I'd no clue who is where just that it's good.
He pulled me up to kiss me, his lips tight against mine and his hands went in my t-shirt, unhooking my bra, taking it off and he left me with a chasting bite at the end of the kiss.
I pushed the carpet aside with my hand as I lied on the sofa, he yanked me at the floor. It did hurt but in a good way. Darshan was impatient enough to stop being gentle. Kneeling between my legs, his teeth barded in a hiss.
A series of shudders ruffled through me. I could barely see as I closed my eyes and his hands reached out for mine. Tangling his fingers with mine, I clutched it tight. My breath fast and I was thirsty.
I shuddered.
My fingers reaching out for the back of his head. I held his hair but I felt too fragile to hurt him. I shuddered again and I gasped heavily and when it was over, I felt so throbbing that I didn't wanted to open my eyes.
I pushed him at the back of the floor, making my way up him, kissing him impatiently on his neck. I stroked his chest, rubbing along with his neck, his jaw, his lips, his ear and then I tugged it. I kissed him warm, head to toe. Kissing me deeper Darshan's palm tugged my waist tight.
He caressed my face as I looked at him, a gentle smile slipped my mouth. He smiled back, small and soft. He took a strand of my hair and pulled it back behind my ear, his fingers tracing down my neck. I looked at him a while longer.
Darshan pushed me up, taking me in into his arms and walked me into the bedroom. He humbly put me down and lied beside me as I pulled up the AC blanket, covering us up. I rested my head down at his chest and we didn't talk. Eyes opened, I stared at the wall in front of me.
"Raval", I mummerd and when he didn't respond, I looked up.
He was fast asleep, tugging me close. Really close and tight. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek.
*
Darshan bent down as he looked at me.
"What are you doing?", he asked.
"Hiding from my problems. What does it look like?", I looked at him, eye in eye.
He sat beside me on the floor, in the cornermost area of the kitchen. I didn't talk. I didn't utter a word and neither did he. He took my hand in his and held it tight, reassuring me.
"It's not your fault, it's mine", Darshan admitted.
He was wrong, it was mine as well.
"I'm fine, I just want to die a lot", I said.
"Because I cheated?", he asked.
"No", I shook my head. "The problem is I'm not feeling that bad. I'm not feeling bad at all because you cheated", I admitted, looking at him. "Do you feel bad?", I asked him.
"I don't", he replied. "Which sounds ridiculous", he added. "There's nothing more disgusting to me than my own screwed up desires. Believe me", he said and I just looked at him.
"Can I kiss you?", I pressed my lips, controlling my smirk and he looked at me like I just landed on earth from mars via UFO.
"Let's see", he got up, forwarding me his hand. I took it and he pulled me up. "It depends on how you--", Darshan stopped abruptly as his phone rang, which he'd in his other hand. He glanced it for a breif moment.
"Take it", I put a peck on his cheek and he walked aside, answering the call.
I gazed at the kitchen which was as messed up as me. I cleared the pavement and wiped it with a wet cloth, put all the dirty utensils in the sink when Darshan walked back in.
"I didn't consider you for domestic", he commented.
"I didn't consider you for a cheater", I looked at him, walking out of the kitchen.
"Cheating cheaters isn't cheating, is it?", Darshan said, looking elsewhere.
What does that mean?
"What does that mean?", I looked at him, as I picked out clothes for me from the side table.
I didn't folded them so that was one thing. I just left them lying there on this broken table which was here when I moved in.
"It means nothing. I'll drop you college, go get ready", he pushed me inside my room and I cursed my fate.
Why the fuck do I've to go there everyday since 3 years? Well, because you wished for it and paid for it.
Didn't technically paid for it too.
As I stepped into the bathroom and opened the tap to fill the bucket I thought about college.
Whistling Woods is an expensive place, some may even call it a waste of money, some do call it that but I wanted to come here and study. It was the no. 1 ranked film school in India.
I didn't wanted to come here actually, it was my second choice. My first was - New York Film Academy in New York obviously but even if I'd sold whole of myself I wouldn't have been able to afford that place and my only hope was their scholarship programme which they shut following the recession and holes in the economy.
Well, all of us had our one dream broken because of money so it's nothing new but it still stinks. I don't despise it, just general hate any college student has for their college but I'm lucky. I know that but I don't value that.
I stepped out and slipped into my clothes. Nothing too fancy just a tank top and ripped denim. I didn't even do any of that dramatic eyeliner I like to put. Leaving my hair open, I walked out with my bag.
"Come", I told Darshan and he lifted his head up, he was sitting on the sofa, half lying indulge in his cellphone.
"Isn't this denim too ripped? Do they even sell it?", he got up.
"At sarojini", I dumped my phone in my bag, along with my diary and laptop.
"You look in a rush", Darshan walked past through me as I glanced at the hall. Cool.
"I'm in a rush", I told him, walking out and closing the door shut. I put the key in the lock, "Shoot day. I forgot because of you", I put the key inside my bag.
"Shoot day!", he exclaimed.
"For our short film...by the way which is...it impacts on my passing score and I know it sounds funny but it matters", we walked down the stairs.
"Why are you being cranky?", Darshan questioned.
"Because I'm cranky!", I griped. "And late, and tired, and exhausted", I added. "I so hate college these days I've no strength to go their even for the sake of passing out but my dad will cut me into pieces and feed me to stray dogs", I texted Chintan. "No one has any idea how hard it is for students in Mumbai, this city is overflowing with dreamers", I perpetually went on.
"It's not that tough, you hold on", Darshan said and I could hear his smile.
"What do you hold on to when there's nothing to hold on to?", I asked, in a sarcastic manner.
"Yourself", Darshan replied.
"You believe that?", I looked at him.
"Yes", he answered back in a split second.
"How did you survive all these years?", I squeaked.
"On sheer will power and dumb luck alone", Darshan gushed.
"Not everyone has that", I said as checked my phone which beeped simulatenously.
Chintan: JUST GET YOUR LAPTOP
Me: OKAY
Chintan: WHY ARE YOU TYPING IN CAPS
Me: BECAUSE YOU'RE TYPING IN CAPS
Chintan: 🖕🏻
Me: 🦶🏻
I was going through my mail box until we reached.
"Bye", Darshan said as I stepped out in a hurry.
"Ciao", I didn't look at him.
Please save me lord, show mercy on your child! I speak like I'm in old times when I get in tension I can't quite control.
Please save me from this disaster that has befallen upon me.