RETROUVAILLE: French word meaning to find each other again.
When two hearts meet after being apart for a time, the world fades away as they meet and share the purest of loves. They are invincible at that moment, and that is the magic of their love...
Tina sat in the back patio area of the restaurant waiting. The sun had set and the evening had brought coolness to an unusually warm day. The fire ring sat in the center of the patio and brought a nice glow that gave her an unintrusive view of a couple quietly sharing an intimate conversation. The woman lightly touched her partner in a flirtatious manner, giving off the idea that this was their first date. Tina smiled in a reflective manner to herself. Tina's white linen blouse moved with the cool breeze that made its way through the patio and gave off the scent of Jazmine that was growing on trellises around the patio. She sat back taking in the room and its occupants. Being that it was the middle of the week, the crowd was light allowing for privacy even while in the open dining area. She decided this was not a night for alcohol, so she sipped her iced tea slowly, patiently waiting with hopeful anticipation.
Bette stepped into the restaurant, quietly assessing the room. As her eyes scanned around, she recognizing the back of a strawberry blonde woman, a woman no matter what angle would always be etched into her mind. Bette's slacks swayed with her graceful stride as she slowing made her way through the dining area garnering looks from both men and women as she approached the door to the patio area. Her gaze never left the woman's back and as she drew closer she noticed how the light from the fire ring danced off the woman's hair giving off an image as if it she was a dream. Bette approached the table from behind the woman. As she made her way around the table she caught the woman's gaze and gave Tina an uncertain version of her enchanting Porter smile. Tina gave her back a kind smile, something that wasn't an act that was studied, false or something learned. It was genuine and captivating all at the same time. Bette held the table as she slowly sank down into her chair never breaking eye contact getting lost in the emotions swimming in Tina's gentle hazel eyes. Tina held her gaze despite her desire to lower her eyes from the intensity of emotions that were emanating from the expressive brown eyes before her as Bette placed her purse on the chair next to her. Bette gripped the cloth napkin that sat on the table in front of her in an effort to contain the level and variety of emotions that moved within her as she continued to gaze at the woman she had known for close to half her life. Tina slowly, hesitantly reach over and grasped Bette's hands.
*******
It had been three week since Bette first reached out to Tina to try to begin the healing process of their relationship. They had been meeting twice a week slowly pealing back the layers of feelings regarding each other, their family and their relationship. Bette's and Tina's love for each other was driving the commitment to working through their issues and once they had reconciled those issues, they would discuss what they wanted next. Neither wanted to go down the path of another break up. They both knew this was it, if they couldn't make it work this time then they had to resign themselves that they would not be together as lovers and maybe not even as friends.
Angie had mentioned to Tina that she felt and noticed a difference in Bette when Tina was around. She asked what was going on, but Tina felt it was too soon to reveal what her and Bette were trying to do about their relationship. Tina knew that Angie desired a reconciliation and she did not want Angie to experience another disappointment. Angie had taken Dr. Stewart's advise and discussed with both Bette and Tina about the college campus visits. Both Tina and Bette admitted that they had let it slip their minds and promised to get Angie to her university visits. However, the bigger issue was how Angie was feeling about her role in their relationship. Angie had decided not to tell her parents that she was thinking that she couldn't go away to college because of what was happening between them. She didn't know how to tell them and she didn't want them to worry and focus on her.
Bette had gotten to the restaurant early, just as she received Tina's text that she was running late. They had decided to meet outside of Silver Lake hoping to keep their meetings private and to avoid interruptions by would be suitors of Bette's. Tina at first thought the whole meat tag thing was funny, but the humor had been lost after a woman practically sat on Bette's lap when they were at Dana's. By choosing to meet out of their neighborhood, they had been able to have long uninterrupted talks that put balm on their hurt feelings and helped move the healing process forward.
The young waitress set the glass of Scotch Bette had ordered on the table. She smiled at Bette in a bold seductive manner, which Bette ignored.
"Is there anything else I can get you while you are waiting?"
Bette had thought to order Tina a glass of wine, but she was trying to make less assumptions about Tina and her likes and dislikes. The old Bette would have already order their meals and the old Tina wouldn't have said anything. But this wasn't the old Bette and surely not the old Tina.
"No, I think I am good, thank you."
"Ok, I will check with you again later." The waitress gave Bette another long look taking Bette all in before she walked away.
Bette took a long breath and shook her head as she looked down at her smart phone. As she continue to wait, Bette scrolled through her emails, looking up when a woman approached and sat down. "Excuse me, but that seat has been taken." Bette politely stated.
"I have been watching you for awhile Ms. Porter and you appear to be alone to me."
Bette stared at the woman but had no recollection of knowing her. "I am sorry, but do I..." Bette continued to stare at the woman still shocked by her brazen behavior. Bette looked around and repeated, "I am sorry, but I'm meeting someone."
"I am sure you are, someone like you doesn't sit alone for very long," the woman smiled reaching across the table for Bette's Scotch and drank it down in on gulp. "Johnnie. Nice, perfect drink for a woman like you."
Bette stared nonplussed for a moment. "What the fuck!" Bette exclaimed with indignant anger radiating off her.
"I am going to have to buy you a drink now." The woman licked her lips and gave Bette a seductive smile not taking the hint that her advances were not welcomed.
Just as the woman had reached across the table Tina walked in the door. She had turned just in time to hear Bette and see the woman set down Bette's empty glass. She couldn't see Bette's face but the tone of her voice was all she needed to hear to know that something was up. Tina walked causally up to the table hearing the end of what the woman said and put her hand on Bette's shoulder with a little pressure just as Bette began to stand. Tina rubbed Bette's back to calm her. She then paused, leaned over and gave Bette a deep sensual kiss that caught Bette off guard, causing her to almost tip out of the chair. It felt like slow motion to Bette as Tina pressed her full lips slowly on to Bette's. It had been years since Bette felt this sensation that was only possible from this woman. Tina opened her lips ever so slightly offering Bette more, but not pushing. Bette tentatively opened her mouth in response and the tips of their tongues touched. Both pulling back from the jolt that went between them, staring with glossy eyes and obvious arousal. Bette took a deep breath, regained her composure and continued with their performance reaching up and put her arms around Tina. Bette took in a deep breath catching the Lavender scent that was only Tina's and in a deep velvety voice filled with desire she said softly "Hi Babe." A warm feeling came across Tina as the familiar term of endearment rolled off of Bette's tongue with a tone that only came out of Bette when the emotional intensity and arousal were present. Tina and Bette engrossed in the moment had forgotten about their audience. Tina caught the woman's eye bringing her out of the moment. As she straighten herself, it had crossed Tina's mind that she had not had to shoo off over zealous admirers of Bette's in a long time. Tina turned, smiled broadly lifting her eyebrow giving a Get the fuck out of here look on her face to the woman. An awkward silence fell over the table. The woman began to twitch and fidget as she stared up at Tina. The tension mounted for a long moment. "Maybe another time," the woman stood gave a flirtatious smile to Bette and then gave Tina an intensely pointed look and said, "You better keep an eye on your woman." Bette began to rise again, but Tina held her in place squeezing her shoulder. Tina and Bette followed her with their eyes until they lost sight of her.
Tina smiled warmly as she sat down across from Bette taking the spot of the woman. Not putting any attention on what had just happened between them, she asked "Do you want to get out of here?" Tina could see that Bette was on tilt and didn't want another run in with her admirer.
Bette always loved Tina for being able to remain cool when faced with one of Bette's admirers. She was still reconciling all that had just happened when she met Tina's gaze with a combination of patient exasperation and an awakened wanting and nodded her head yes.
Bette put a $20 on the table, stood up and reached out her hand that Tina casually grasped. She quietly leaned over and said, "Thank you."
Tina looked back at her, "For what," giving her a soft smile.
"For protecting me, of course," Bette gave Tina a beaming smile. It was then that Bette noticed the pencil skirt and button up top Tina was wearing. There was something decidedly sexy about Tina in her work attire. Provocative, powerful traits that were always there but never fully appreciated.
"My pleasure," Tina hesitated, noticing Bette's stare, "I wouldn't want anyone getting ideas about my woman," Tina said flirtatiously raising her eyebrows. Tina's face beamed and radiated with the knowledge that what had just happened moved them closer towards the endgame.
Bette stared at Tina and thought that she had learned a great deal in the last two months and all the things she had gone through would be important to the outcomes of choices and chances. Sometimes things happen and in those moments your heart will find the will to make a choice, take a chance. Then you hang on with all the determination you can find within yourself. That is where she found herself right now on the verge of making a choice, taking a chance.
The stunning couple slowly made their way through the restaurant drawing looks from the people sitting at the tables they crossed.
The brazen admirer watched the couple exit and then leaned over to her companion, "I guess Ms. Porter has a new girlfriend."
Her companion replied, "Don't you know who that is?" The brazen woman looked at her inquisitively, shaking her head no. "You just met Tina Kennard, Bette Porter's ex, well maybe not any more."
*****
Bette sat at her desk a couple days later thinking about that kiss. She couldn't stop thinking about it, how it felt. The taste of Tina awoke a wanting so strong that she couldn't get Tina out of her mind since that kiss. Tina kissing her was a complete and unexpected surprise, but it was a kiss. A board smile came to Bette's face as her phone buzzed and a surge of energy moved through her settling at her midsection,
We have arrived and are settled. Thanks again for the use of the jet. Angie is really excited and I have to admit so am I. We are site seeing over the weekend and touring Bard College and Rutgers University on Monday, Maryland Institute on Tuesday and Yale on Wednesday. It is a pretty full schedule, but our daughter is determined to do all of New York too. She said it's a different experience now that she isn't a kid anymore. LOL I know you were disappointed about not being able to go with Angie to visit Yale. We will tell you all about it when we get back. We should be home on Thursday. BYW thanks for the flowers. My assistant didn't know what to make of them.
Bette
A hero's reward
Tina
LOL Talk to you tonight
Bette sat and stared at the text. Were they going to be able to do this. No matter how hard she tried to convince herself that no matter the outcome, that it was worth the try, a feeling of dread kept overcoming her. The thought of this not working out and losing what they had gained so far scared her. And what about Angie. Bette sat staring out the window. She thought back at their first years together, before Angie and before life weighed heavily on them as individuals and as a couple. They did everything together even simple things as washing dishes. It was the connection that they loved. It didn't take much to feel loved and cherished. How she missed that closeness. She closed her eyes. It's hard to believe that they were together for 21 years and still couldn't make it work even with all the love they had between them. What is different now, kept coming back to her. Yes, they were older, yes, they were both digging deep to address the issues that were at the forefront of the problems they had in their relationship. Bette sighed and reflected on the first night they made love. How tentative Tina at first was as she shed her own fears and insecurities mentally and finally giving into her carnal desire for a woman, for Bette. Tina may have had her first sexual experiences with her sister, but Bette's gentleness and attentiveness was Tina's first experience of the act of making love with a woman. Tina had said over the years that she had lovers but making love with Bette was more than just a physical act, it was two souls touching in a manner that can only occur when the love was pure and true. In those early years it was easy to make a promise to be together forever. Yet, they were now on two separate paths looking across a great divide trying to figure out how to get back to a life journey that put them back together forever. How is it that two souls that are meant to be, struggle so hard to be. Bette wiped her eyes as a tear slowly moved down her face. She would always love Tina there was no doubt in that. Tina spoke the truth that night in front of her house a year ago when she said, "We are family," but it wasn't enough then and it surely wasn't enough now.
Dani knocked on Bette's door interrupting her thoughts.
"Hey Bette," Dani paused, "Are you okay," Dani asked clearly noticing that Bette had been crying and was trying to hide it.
"I'm fine. What'd you find out?"
"Well, I have been talking to Paul and he said that the seller got the painting in an estate sale. He was able to get the name of the family, but he has had no luck in finding anyone. I asked him for the names, thinking maybe we can hire a private investigator."
Bette sighed, she had hoped Paul would give her a concrete lead. She needed to understand the issues regarding her mother and now that there is the possibility of her being alive, she couldn't let it go. "I am thinking of flying out to Paris and doing some inquiries myself. Peggy is in Paris right now and I'm hoping she will be able to help me," she said thinking out loud.
"Do you need me to do anything? The Gala is pretty much planned out and we are in a holding pattern until end of April when we start working with the vendors hammering out the final details."
"No, I think I am good. When I make my decision, I will let you know. I was just going over the figures for the charity event. The Kit Porter Endowment is going to get a good start."
"Yeah, there was a good turn out. James is good, I enjoyed working with him. It was a good idea to have me work with him. I got a good taste of the Art field."
"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that." Bette looked at the clock. "What are you doing for lunch?"
"Nothing really, but I have an errand to run. I am still trying to sort out my old apartment."
Bette paused, remembering that Dani was going through some pretty emotional stuff due to her break up with Sophie. "How are you doing? I mean with the..."
"I'm okay, it kind of hits me in waves. You know, I never saw it coming."
Bette stood and walk over to the couch in her office and motioned for Dani to come sit down. Dani had not spoken in awhile about what had happened. Bette poured herself a glass of water while Dani sat down. "Do you have a few minutes?" Bette asked warmly.
"Yeah, but I don't want to hold you up for lunch."
"It's okay." Bette looked intently at Dani. "I'm sorry... I know how it happens. Sometimes we just can't see what's right in front of us."
Dani smiled sadly. "I guess my relationship with Sophie wasn't working anyways, maybe it is for the best. She couldn't deal with me being a workaholic. We were arguing all the time, I just couldn't do anything right. Work was only one issue, my father..." Dani paused and shook her head, "And... I couldn't deal with her pushing me to open up whenever she wanted me to... I thought eloping would fix everything, but that was clearly a dumb impulsive move."
Bette had a melancholic look on her face when Dani looked up at her.
"Trust me, being a workaholic can destroy the best relationships, it happened to me. And when I recognized what I was doing, it was too late."
"It did? Really... I mean, honestly I can't imagine that." Dani chuckled, reached over and poured herself a glass of water and took a sip.
"Yeah more than once too." Bette gave a forced chuckle. "You've met Tina, my ex-wife." Dani nodded, "Being so focused and consumed by work, and add a controlling nature," Bette paused and reflected, "It made it very hard for her to stay when we were first together."
"First?" Dani looked inquisitively and a little surprised at Bette.
"Yes first. We broke up and got back together a few times." Bette gave a sad smile, turning her head away from Dani as she took another sip of her water trying to hide her unexpected emotions.
"Did you ever get over the work problem?"
Bette took a shuddered breath. "I don't know. It wasn't exclusively a work problem, more like me being controlling and emotionally unavailable, resulted in an over obsessiveness and passion about my jobs. There was a lot behind my controlling nature and it has been a struggle. It's not all bad, just complicated but I would not trade any of those work experiences either."
Dani smiled to herself taking all of what Bette said in and trying to process it.
"So, anyways," Bette continued, "It looks like I costed you a wife and a job."
Dani laughed, "Shut up." Dani quickly put her hands to her mouth, "Sorry." Dani paused looking at Bette for her response.
Bette smiled, raising her right hand laughing. "At least I could fix the latter."
Dani laughs with Bette and then took a long deep breath, "I mean, I made my own decisions. I don't regret working for you at all. It was an amazing experience and I am loving what I am doing now. It is different, but still..."
Bette looked down at her water, and spoke seriously, "I am sorry we lost. You did an amazing job for coming in the middle of a mess, maybe if I hadn't made those mistakes with Felicity."
Dani took her hand, "You know it is more complicated than that, people just aren't ready for the change you would bring. Look around, change is happening everyday and it is painful. People don't want to be bothered and if it doesn't affect them directly, the problems are easy to ignore," Dani paused. "You are a major player and now with your new job, well, give it time." Dani smiled.
Bette laughed a dismissive laugh, one that sounded like she wanted to make fun of herself, like she was embarrassed by the compliment.
"And like they say, as long as you learn from the mistakes, making them is okay."
"Well, I am not so sure I have learned very well from some of them," Bette paused reflecting for a moment. "Anyways, I am glad we had that experience together. You are very talented. I hope to exploit it and maybe give you a chance to learn few new skills along the way." Bette gave her a beaming smile.
"Well thank you... I think." Dani furrowed her brows that led to a half smile. She realized she was still holding Bette's hand and pulled away as it became awkward.
"Why don't we do lunch another time." Bette said as she stood up.
Dani stood, paused contemplating giving Bette a hug, but deciding against it. "I'll see you later."
Bette watched Dani as she walked out the door thinking of all the lost time and mistakes she had made because of her own insecurities. She thought about how Tina told her how she came out of anesthesia when she had her surgery, thinking how that was her insecurities bleeding out of her. Bette reflected on all her relationships with other women before and after Tina and came to the conclusion that they were just wrong, they never quite felt right. Putting it simply, Bette wasn't happy without Tina. Yes there were deep scars, but the time with Tina was amazing when it was good, it was a different type of relationship, a connection far different from any other that Bette had experienced. Bette continued to think as she walked over to her desk and sat down. She stared out the window looking across the city of Los Angeles. It occurred to her, that over the last few weeks that she had been trying to sort out issues with Tina, that she had fallen into the trap of her fear of the uncertain. She was holding back because of this fear of commitment. This possibility of being hurt again was preventing her from opening up completely and never giving the healing of their relationship a real chance to materialize. She looked at a picture of Angie that was in a frame that once held a picture of all three. Bette was glad she was seeing Dr. Klein in the morning, this was definitely something she wanted to examine and get past this nervousness that she couldn't seem to shake.
******
Bette settled in the Executive Section of her flight to New York. After her session with Dr. Klein, Bette wasted no time having Dani schedule her a flight to New York so she could get there by the evening. She also had Dani book Tina and Angie tickets to return home on Thursday, because she was taking the Peabody Jet to Paris. When she walked into her appointment with Dr. Klein, she had been mulling over the possibility of Tina leaving again. After the kiss, it was clear to Bette, just being friends would never work for her. Bette's fears were so profound. What worried her the most was being so close to Tina emotionally and physically for so long and having it all fall apart in the end. Bette had so much to say when Tina left, but all she could do was watch Tina walk away. Now she had the opportunity to say what was in her heart that went unspoken for so long. The thought of not knowing what could be was killing her. Yes, they had been talking, but Bette's fears kept holding her back. Her fears inevitably lead to convincing herself that they were bad together, but then found herself still stuck not wanting to move on or let go. Her negative thinking would become her reality and she would back off from disclosing her deepest thoughts and feelings to Tina. It was Dr. Klein that helped her push aside her worries and anxieties. These feelings fueled her avoiding the possibility of getting hurt by distorting her perception. She would start believing it wasn't worth making an effort to open up completely. Dr. Klein helped Bette realize that it was a fact that they didn't get it right the first time around and that was an unfortunate truth of their life together. Bette was looking for guarantees and they didn't exist but the reality was they were not going to do it over. Age and maturity was pushing them towards creating something new and at this point, it was a a choice and a chance that involved her full commitment to try. It was then that Bette realized that she was more afraid of living life without Tina then staying stuck and being in a position to wonder what could have been. A sense of freedom came over Bette as she finally felt she was able to leverage her fear, and with that came a sense of urgency to get to Tina.
Bette had also discussed the information that was obtained about the painting by her mother. Bette wanted closure and felt that a good deal of her fears stemmed from the loss of her mother. If there was an opportunity to find solace in the understanding of what her mother did, then she would take every opportunity to find her. Bette felt that both relationships were tied together in a cruel manner that stifled her from fully experiencing the love that she new her and Tina had for each other.
Bette surprised herself at how liberated she felt, an unencumbered sensation, which helped propel her forward towards the person she can only describe as her soul mate. As Bette sat pondering, it came to her that we live in a time when it has been made so clear to us that life is fragile life. In a moment our lives may be interrupted by a natural disaster, an active shooter, a car accident... there are no guarantees that we will have tomorrow, but we do have right now. Bette smiled to herself, maybe, just maybe, she might be able to put her family back together and feel normal again. Bette was brought out of her thought when she heard the announcement for final approach. God I hate flying, she thought as she held onto the armrest. She knew her heart beating faster was not due to her fear of flying, but what would happen next. Here we go, no expectation, just appreciation for having Tina in her life right now, she thought to herself.
Bette called Helena to confirm that she had contacted Tina and had made arrangements to meet her at Jean-Georges. She had managed to get a private dining reservation at the last minute with Helena's help. Bette wasn't sure how Tina was going to react when Bette walked into the room, but hell at this point she was throwing caution to the wind and following her heart not her head.
Tina was confused when Helena told her where to meet her, but thought there must be something about this restaurant, known to be a romantic hot spot, that Helena liked. Tina told Angie she would be late, knowing Helena's version of hanging out. As she walked in, she noticed how most of the tables were set up for couples, but there were a few that had groups dining. The Matra'd led her to a private room when she gave Helena's name. The room had a beautiful view of the city and Tina thought, this was why Helena liked this place so much. Tina sat down looking across the city in thought. Her and Angie had a couple of full days touring schools. They had gotten the opportunity to do some shopping as well. It was nice spending this quality time with Angie. She had forgotten how much fun her teenage daughter could be. Tomorrow was Yale, Bette's alma mater. Bette had been so disappointment when an unexpected meeting kept her from going with she and Angie. They had originally planned for this to be a family affair, it would have been the first traveling as a family in years. Tina had been able to take the time off and Bette was clearing her schedule. Then Dani called and advised Bette of some issues that had arose with the Gallery in Paris. Bette had insisted that Tina and Angie go.
As Tina looked across the city, she remembered their first anniversary dinner that she and Bette had at this exact restaurant. Bette surprised Tina with the reservations. Tina had been talking about the restaurant ever since they had arrived in New York, but they never went for one reason or another. Bette had a limousine pick them up and when they arrived Tina felt an overwhelming amount of love for Bette, knowing that she planned such a romantic evening just for her. Their private dinning room was similar to this one and the view was just as beautiful. Bette had roses placed all about which brought a soft floral fragrance to the room. She had pre-ordered Tina's favorite champagne and it was chilling when they walked into the room. Tina recalled how Bette was that night, her straight forwardness and immense power of presence that Tina loved so much about Bette. The unencumbered love and devotion in Bette's eyes. Tina sighed taking a deep breath and pouring herself a glass of wine from the bottle that was on the table. As she poured she noticed it was her favorite white wine that came from Italy. She had not had a glass since that night in Bette's office when she realized she could read Bette's emotions and she saw Bette's wedding ring hanging on a chain across her desk. She leaned back as she sipped the wine and a sad smile came across her face. Tina's thoughts went back to the anniversary dinner and the first time she heard Bette call her, beloved. Tina had always known they had something special she just never would have guessed that she would have gone from Bette's beloved to Bette's ex-wife.
Bette walked into the private room and could hardly speak as her heart was beating so. Tina gasps and her heart skipped a beat as she turned and saw Bette. Their eyes met as Bette stepped into the room. She smiled giving Tina a beaming Porter smile as she stepped forward and took Tina's hand pulling her slowly up from her chair. Bette wrapped Tina in her arms and Tina felt for the first time in over two years the proud strength and comfort that she couldn't help but revel in it. Tears began to fall as Tina thought as she folded herself further into Bette's arms that no matter how fleeting this may be, no matter how destroyed she may become if she lost it, the effort would be worth it as the realization of the gift Bette was bestowing on her. Bette finally loosened her hold and took Tina's face in her hands just gazing at her. Tina felt like Bette was absorbing her with every breath Bette took. Tina was blown away, how had she ignored this for so long? Tina linked her arms around Bette's neck and just held on trying to give her all the reassurance that she returned the feelings. Then it began, the tears, this was the first time Bette fully opened herself to Tina since the SheBar kiss all those years ago. She saw the hurt, vulnerable Bette again. Bette didn't swallow her fear and hurt, nor did she hide it behind a tower of strength. Tina felt Bette bury her head in her neck as she cried. Tina held her and stroked her back, feeling connected once again. Tina hated that Bette hurt so deeply and hated even more that she caused a piece of it. So Tina held her content that Bette let her in and had found some level of forgiveness. Bette pulled away slowly but Tina could not help the forward momentum as she leaned upon her toes to kiss. It started out innocently testing, a slow needy kiss both craving the contact, the reassurance, but it quickly became passionate as the warmth of the tongues and softness of their lips met. Their hearts, their souls after long last and so much hurt were reunited and drowning in their love for each other.
Slowly they both pulled away, not wanting to release each other, but knowing they needed to talk. "Hi," Bette said sheepishly a bit embarrassed by the tears, as she wiped them away.
"Hi back," giving Bette a warm rising smile, also wiping her own tear soaked face. "Are you okay?" Tina asked.
Bette took a choking deep breath, "yeah, now that I am here. I am learning that crying is exhausting," Bette's mouth curved into a shy rise smile.
Tina smiled nodding her head, "I know what you mean." Tina hesitated, "I'm glad you're here too. Tina looked deeply into Bette's eyes afraid to move and break the moment, but resigned that their was much to be said, "Lets sit down," Tina moved towards the table touching Bette's arm lightly.
"I know this is a surprise, but I had this overwhelming need to see you, be near you," the words tumbled out of Bette's mouth. "I feel like I have been running ever since you left me. I think in my subcontious mind I was trying to out run my feelings, I'm not really sure." Dr. Klein said, I have been piling my emotions for years, and all the loses pushed me over. But... Bette paused, it was you telling me you were getting remarried that I think really did it. I have been lost ever since you announced it, I have been breathing but not really living. I truly believed that you would come back." Bette paused and looked down, "But then Carrie... I thought I had lost you forever and I just couldn't bare it. When you came back, I think I have been so afraid of you leaving again, that I have been stuck bracing myself for the eventual overwhelming hurt." Bette lowered her head into her hands and shook it, trying to hide the tears that began again.
Tina reached over to Bette with both her hands and lifted her face staring deeply into her eyes showing her sadness and regret. She slowly wiped Bette's tears with he pads of her thumbs, "I am not leaving you again."
"You can't promise that, but I love you too much to not try again..." Bette paused as she leaned back. She took a deep breath, "Dr. Klein told me this story about Freud and the Porcupines. It reminded me of us, it kinda goes like this..."
A troop of porcupines is milling about on a cold winter's day. In order to keep from freezing, the animals move closer together. Just as they are close enough to huddle, however, they start to poke each other with their quills. In order to stop the pain, they spread out, lose the advantage of commingling, and again begin to shiver. This sends them back in search of each other, and the cycle repeats as they struggle to find a comfortable distance between entanglement and freezing.
"She said, this story spoke to Freud's belief that love is everywhere a thorny affair. There was more to it, but I don't remember exactly what she said, other than long term relationships have stuff, both good and bad. Stuffing the bad will eventually overflow over the good. I guess that is me in a nutshell." Bette looked into Tina's eyes searching, not knowing for sure what.
Tina met her gaze with reassurance, "Well I guess we have been poking and running from each other for a long time, especially me." Tina reached out to Bette, taking her hands, slowly leaning forward coming up close enough to feel Bette's warm breath. "Let's work together and find that comfortable distance," Tina looked at Bette and continued. "I don't want to be controlled by our past. The more time I spend with you, the more I see that we have always belonged together. No one but you would ever fully complete me. I think I have always known that and my plan is for us to be together forever." Tina slowly leaned in and kissed Bette fully with all the love she had in her heart and Bette returned the kiss that became more warmer, more open and more lingering. The kiss went on for a long minute. Slowly Tina pushed a smile against Bette's mouth. Bette pulled back and answered Tina's smile with a raised eyebrow. Bette's mouth then slowly curves into a knowing smile. With their smiles an understanding rose in their eyes that conveyed full commitment to an effort to reconcile. Both looking into each other eyes knowing that the incredible person staring back at them only comes along once and the only one capable of taking them places neither had thought to go before. They were in love with each other and at this moment, that is all that mattered.