"Fry," I commanded as I kept my eyes trained on the word doc that I had opened on my laptop. Harry picked one from the container next to me and placed it in my open mouth. "Thanks," I said and he laughed.
I had decided to enter a short story into a small NYC based magazine contest and the deadline was in the morning. The plan was to spend most of my shift editing and reworking the story so it would be perfect and ready to be submitted.
"I'm sorry I'm being so boring tonight. I just really need to get this done and submitted." I glanced over at Harry quickly as I read over one of the paragraphs for the third time, trying to figure out how to fix the wording of a few sentences.
He threw a few fries into his mouth, "You're not boring. I like seeing you like this, you know, super into your writing."
"Well, I promise I just need, like, another forty-five minutes and then I'll be done and we can actually hangout."
He held another fry up to my mouth and I accepted it, "We are hanging out."
The bell on the top of the door rang out and I called out a "Welcome" to whoever had entered, not picking my head up to look.
"Auden?" I froze at the sound of the woman's voice. I raised my eyes and tried not to yell at her to leave when I saw who was standing there. "Hi, honey."
Harry leaned in close to me and whispered, "Who is that?"
"Mom, what are you doing here?"
"I was at Everett's. He invited me over for dinner to meet Abby and he told me you were working. I thought it would be nice to stop by and see you."
I made a mental note to question Everett about about having her over for dinner and his audacity to tell her where I worked before asking, "Why?"
"Because we haven't seen each other in so long. I miss you." She took a few more steps into the shop.
I crossed my arms and felt myself getting defensive. "You should've called me before showing up."
"I thought if I did, you wouldn't have answered."
"You're probably right." I watched as her face dropped. I could feel Harry's eyes moving between us.
"I just want to talk, honey. I'm doing a lot better and I want to fix whatever happened between us."
"You happened between us, mom."
"No," she shook her head, "it was your father who did this to us."
I stood up, "No, it was both of you. He left and then you decided you didn't want to be a mom anymore. You were awful to me. You're the reason we're like this. You're the reason I don't want to answer your calls or see you or talk to you. It wasn't some outside force, mom. It was you." Harry reached his hand up and placed it on my lower back and started to rub it in soft circles. I was thankful he didn't try to excuse himself and leave.
"That's not true," Her voice shook, but I couldn't tell if it was with anger or sadness, "Your brother—"
I cut her off, "Ev left when things started to get really bad mom. He never saw the way you talked to me, the way you looked at me—like it was my fault dad left. You never looked at Everett like that—your fucking golden boy. It was always on me. I don't care what he said to you, what he told you to make you feel better. I don't care." I shook my head and fought back the tears that I could feel burning my eyes. I was angry—at everyone. I wanted to scream in her face and then wrap my hands around my brother's neck. I leaned into Harry's hand, needing something to help keep me upright.
I had barely spoken to my mom since I moved out. Even when she was sober for that one year, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. She never once apologized for the way she treated me and I couldn't get passed that. I refused to let her think she could walk back into my life as if nothing had ever happened.
"Auden, don't be like that." She tried to warn.
"I'm not being like anything." I sighed in frustration, "I can't do this right now. I'm working."
She looked around the store, obviously noticing the lack of people inside but didn't argue, "Right. Maybe we can talk another day, before the engagement party?"
"Maybe." I ignored her forced smile as I sat back down in my seat next to Harry. I pulled my laptop back onto my lap and turned my attention to the screen.
She took the hint and nodded tensely before saying goodbye and leaving quickly.
When the door closed behind her, I moved my laptop back to the desk behind us and huffed, trying not to cry. "Fuck," I whispered as I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers.
Harry's put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze, "Aud, are you okay?"
I shook my head as the first tears started to make their way down my face. "C'mere," he moved his hand down and squeezed my arm as he stood up. I wiped my tears off my cheeks before getting to my feet and stepping into his open arms. He wrapped them tight around me as I buried my head in his chest and tried to hold in a sob. He kissed the top of my head before speaking into my hair, "I'm sorry, love." He ran one of his palms up and down my back, "S'alright."
I pulled away and wiped at my cheeks again, thankful that I hadn't put on mascara that day. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry for crying all over your shirt." I sniffed as I motioned to the very present wet stain I had left in the center of his blue t-shirt. I blinked and tilted my head back, willing the tears to go back inside.
He chuckled, "You don't have to be sorry."
I flopped back into the plush chair, "I just don't understand why she has to do that. Why is she so fucking incapable of taking responsibility for anything? I thought there were steps you had to take when you were in recovery; I thought you were meant to make amends. Am I not worth amends? Does she really think that she didn't hurt me?"
He took his spot next to me, "I don't know, Aud." I sighed as he seemed to think over his next words before speaking, "What was all that about Everett? I thought you guys were close?"
"We are. He's one of my best friends, but—he was always her favorite. He was the eldest son. Even before my dad left, she was always just a little nicer to him than she was to me and when he did leave, the gap in how she treated us just grew." I pushed myself to sit up straighter, "And he just, like, forgives her! He's always telling me to forgive her! I tell him what she said to me, how she made me feel so fucking insignificant, and he thinks I should just let it go because she was sick!" I looked over at Harry, "I can't let it go, H. It hurt me, a lot, especially when Ev left for college. I can't just forgive and forget, especially when she refuses to acknowledge that she ever treated me that way."
"You shouldn't forget, Aud, and you shouldn't let Everett make you feel like you should." He put his hand on my knee, "I know I don't really get it, the whole situation, but you know you can always talk to me, right? If you ever need to."
I nodded, "Yeah, I know. Thanks." He squeezed my knee before reaching back onto the desk in between us and grabbing my laptop. He held it out to me, "Now, you've got a story to finish. I'm not letting you miss that deadline." I smiled and took it.
I opened it up and clicked on the word doc, scrolling back to where I had left off. "Fry, me." I opened my mouth and waited, as Harry chucked while pulling the tray of slightly cold fries onto his lap.
I put my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' before dropping it into my bag. I had woken up that morning to a bunch of texts and missed calls from Everett—all of them slightly angry and accusatory. Apparently, our mom had called him after she left the shop last night and told him that I had attacked her and he believed her. I tried to explain to him that I didn't say anything that wasn't true, nor did I think I was asking for much. All I wanted was an apology, her to understand that she was wrong and that she hurt me, and if she wasn't willing to give me that then I wasn't willing to have her in my life. I tried to explain to him that what I was asking for was fair, but he didn't think so. He always thought I was blowing it out of proportion, that she couldn't have possibly been that bad to me since she was never that bad with him, which was the most ridiculous logic.
After he told me that I needed to stop being selfish and put my own issues aside in order to help our recovering mother, I told him that he could go fuck himself and decided that was enough of that for the day.
I slipped on a pair of sandals and left my apartment. I didn't want to be alone and thinking about the situation—overthinking the situation. I had texted Lucy, who was at work but said I could visit her. Unfortunately, Lucy worked at a bakery, so visiting her was kind of hard, since it was always so busy and they were almost always understaffed. I didn't text Harry, but I knew he was at work. I realized that I had never actually been to the record store and decided that I would surprise him. I didn't know what the situation was over there, how busy it was, or how many people worked there, so I was fully prepared to have to do a casual in and out, but I was hoping I could meander around for a bit and talk to him if he wasn't busy.
He worked at High Fidelity Records downtown; I had passed it a few times before I knew him, but had never gone in since I didn't own a record player, therefore I had no need for records. The storefront was painted black, the sign "High Fidelity Records" painted in a golden yellow, san serif type font that was chipping at its edges. The huge windows were filled with posters of both bands and artists new and old with records in crates below them on a shelf. It was the kind of place Harry looked like he belonged in, at least from the outside.
When I pulled open the door, a bell went off, similar to the tone of the one at the shop.
"Welcome to High Fidelity," his accent rang out from somewhere in the store. I ignored him and stepped further inside, not wanting to disturb the other people in the store by calling out for him or get him in any trouble. There were a lot of people milling around, more that I thought there would be on a Wednesday, but the place was in a huge shopping area and it was summer, so I assumed a lot of them were tourists.
I decided to go about making my way through the store methodically, since the records were set up in long rows. I started at the front, walking down the aisle of records, skimming the large signs at the top that specified genre and then moved my eyes down to look over the names of the artists. As I moved down the first aisle, I could hear Harry's voice; he was talking to someone about a Fleetwood Mac album.
I smiled and stopped, listening to him try and convince whoever he was talking to that they needed it in their life—that Rumours was one of the best albums of all time. Obviously, whoever he was talking to was a dumbass—who needed to be persuaded into buying a Fleetwood Mac album?
"You're gonna get it, yeah?" There was a moment of silence, before Harry spoke again, "Great! If you go over there, someone will help you check out."
I still hadn't turned to look at him and kept moving down the long line of records, stopping when I came to The 1975's section. They had been one of my favorite bands since my sophomore year of high school and I wondered if buying one of their records would be stupid when I didn't have a record player.
"And what can I help you with, miss?" I turned around slowly with a smile on my face. Harry was there, a huge smile on his face with his hands clasped behind his back.
"What's up?"
"You tell me, love. I didn't expect to see you here."
I shrugged, "I was bored and figured I'd come and visit; you know, see where you worked." I looked around the entire shop; there were posters everywhere, and neon signs for certain bands, one that spelled out 'records' in bright red and another that hung over the check out counter that was a bunch of arrows. "It's really fucking cool."
"It is, isn't it? I never thought I could actually like a job."
I looked to my left where there was someone else who worked there helping a customer, "You're not going to get in trouble for talking to me, right? Crimson's has kind of fucked my idea of what a real job is like where there are managers and you could actually get in trouble."
"Nah, we're fine. We have a manager but he's only a few years older than us and doesn't really mind if friends come by as long as we're not, like, ignoring other customers." He reassured me.
"Okay, cool." I turned around and started flicking through The 1975 records and Harry moved to stand next to me, fixing whatever needed fixing and organizing.
Harry cleared his throat, "Katherine stopped by my place yesterday." My head whipped in his direction and I opened my mouth to talk but he cut me off, "I didn't invite her over, she just showed up."
"Why? What did she want?"
"She said she wanted to know why exactly I had ended things—even though I told her why when I broke up with her."
"What explanation did you give her?" I flipped over For When You Sleep and examined the back of it.
"That I just wasn't into it anymore. I told her my feelings for her kind of went away."
"It's funny how feelings you never had could go away." I smirked and he gave me a light shove.
"Well, apparently she didn't buy it. She wanted to me to admit there was someone else."
"Is this girl for real?"
His hands paused over the records he was organizing, "She wanted me to admit that it was you."
"What?" I felt my heart start to race. Katherine thought the reason Harry broke up with her was me?
"Yeah," he scratched the back of his neck, "she thinks that there was something going on between us while her and I were...I don't know, she said it was the only thing that made sense."
I shook my head, dumbfounded, "The only thing that makes sense? It couldn't have been because she told you that you couldn't hangout with your friends? Or that you actually didn't have feelings for her? Or that she was just fucking awful?"
He turned and put his hands on my shoulders and looked me directly in my eyes, "Calm down, Aud." He released my shoulders, "I told her she was ridiculous and that you and I were just friends."
"So you lied," I nodded and turned back to the records.
"Well, I couldn't exactly tell her that you and started fucking, could I? I'm pretty sure she would've strangled me if I released that information." I chuckled. "And technically, we are friends. It's not like there's anything romantic between us."
I felt my heart stop for a minute and my smile dropped. I wished he would stop bringing it up, making jokes about how he wasn't my boyfriend, hinting that he could be—it was slowly starting to chip away at me. Every time he hinted at it, I felt myself wanting it and when he reminded me he wasn't, I couldn't help but feel some disappointment swell inside of me.
"Right," I sighed and picked the pink and white record out of the crate before moving down the line of records.
Harry checked the time on his phone, "I'm supposed to have my break in, like, ten minutes. Wait for me and we can grab coffee?" I smiled and nodded. He took my hand and squeezed it before saying he would be right back and going to help some guy a few feet from us who looked lost.
I spent the ten minutes that I had to wait for Harry perusing the rest of the store, buying the record I picked up while talking to Harry, and thinking about what he said. He really only saw us as friends. As much as I wanted to think that maybe all those jokes were him hinting at possibly wanting more, they apparently weren't. They were just jokes—no hints, no suggestions, nothing—but what did it matter? I didn't have feelings. I had a crush, a strong crush, that was completely harmless and uncomplicated.
I felt as if my head was going to explode.
"You ready?" Harry appeared beside me where I was standing outside the shop. He had one hand on his hip and a banana, his phone, and his wallet, in the other.
"Yeah," I followed him as he started walking down the sidewalk.
With a mouthful of banana, he asked, "What's wrong, Aud? You look like you have a lot going on."
"Just some family stuff. Ev is mad at me." I obviously couldn't tell him about what was really bothering me at that moment.
"He's mad?" I cringed when he spoke with his mouth full again, "At you? What the fuck?"
"Yeah, apparently I 'attacked' my mom when she came in last night and now he's on his usual high horse," I made sure to use air quotes. "I told him to 'fuck off' and haven't looked at my phone since."
He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into a hug, "I know what will cheer you up." He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips and I pushed him away. "What?" He asked, clearly offended at my non-interest.
"Harry, you taste like fucking banana."
"Sorry, love." He smiled, not seeming very sorry at all.
"Can I have another?"
His smile grew, "I knew you couldn't resist me." This time, he moved us over to the side so we weren't in anyone's way and stopped. He bent down to place his lips on mine; his lips parted and he kissed me again, a little deeper and his free hand moved down to squeeze my waist. He pulled away so our mouths were inches apart, "And we're not even breaking any rules."
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a/n: it's late AND it's short. This is not my finest hour people, trust me, I know. I have excuses, but I'm not going to bore you with them! Anyway, I've already gotten a head start on this friday's chapter so it won't be late *fingers crossed i get my shit together*.
Anyway, I hope you're all staying safe. I'm doing my best to stay informed right now and donating whatever I can wherever I can. I hope those of you who are in the U.S (and even not in the U.S) are doing the same.
Stay safe and stand up.
Much love, Nat xx