I'm nervous. I've apologized in unconventional ways. I've misaligned my thought process. And I've beholden the results. As they're still coming out.
I want help. I want to talk to someone.
But every time I do I don't find the answer I'm looking for. What am I looking for? How do I fix myself? Am I already too far gone? Six feet under?
I feel like a normal person and I feel like I'm trying my best but then there's these incoming revelations and conflicts and it all just falls apart.
I want to be your friend. I don't want to argue. I'm sorry for what I've messed up with. Please tell me how to make it up to you. Please. I'm numb.
I don't know anymore.
I feel like everything I've been trying to work on psychologically isn't helping. I feel like every single time I talk things out something is left unsaid. Something is left out. There's always one missing piece of the puzzle.
As time goes on, I feel the tension rise, and it's the opposite of what I want. I feel like I'm getting a worse reputation as confrontation occurs.
I'm encouraged to talk about how I feel yet when I do so I'm discouraged from saying anymore.
It's a loop. And I don't know how to get out. And I feel parts of me are just floating away.
How can I get better if you're not going to tell me what's fully wrong? I hate being wrong, and if I can I would more than like to make it up to you. I really would. I know I just repeated it, but I swear.
I want to figure out something. It can't end like this. It doesn't need to be like this. I'm not knowledgeable in everything. And I make lots of assumptions. I say rude things sometimes. Even if I try to be polite. I probably have a complex... But life is complex, too. All of our lives have been complex, all having problems of varying degrees. But that's just why I wish we would all get together and talk about it.
Instead of launching cannonballs of arguments and counterarguments at each other,
I want to have a conversation that's civilized. Without a fierce tone, or a jagged stone.
I want.. peace. Between us. I know you didn't ask, and I don't know if you even wanna hear what I have to ask. I don't know if you think of me as a friend anymore. I don't know if a ton goes on in the background, or if everything is already put out there. Obviously I lack knowledge about a ton. Maybe I am dumb. Maybe I don't deserve most of the recognition or any of the so-called skill I have. Because lots of the time my skills feel like they just end up being a curse. It always comes back at me. I don't enjoy this.
But can we accomplish what I seek? I surely hope so; all I know is the first step is trying.