"Talk to me" Harry pleads after another unsuccessful session with Harley.
"About what?" I reply quietly, staring at a loose thread on the leg of my jeans to avoid looking at Harry.
"Anything, how you feel, what's going through your head, anything. I just need something" he sighs, running a hand through his hair. I take in a deep breath before releasing it slowly.
"I'm a bad person"
"Why do you think that?"
"Oh I don't know, it might have something to do with the person I fucking killed" I say sarcastically in a harsh tone.
There's a long silence as Harry thinks how to reply and probably trying to calm himself too.
"You had to do it River, you need to understand that. There was reason behind it, call it what you like - self defence or whatever but there was a good reason behind it. If you hadn't have killed him then you might not be alive right now. These people that I deal with everyday will not hesitate to use you or anything else that I care about to have the upper hand. It's happened before with Eleanor but I will do everything in my power so it never happens to you. You killed that man to protect yourself which was the right thing to do." He leans forward, reaching his hand out and placing a finger under my chin to lift it, forcing me to look at him. "You are not a bad person River, you're far from it." I give him a small nod and look away from him.
-
I'm trying so hard to fight it, but the ache in the back of my throat is stopping me. The first few tears come slowly but I soon give in. I hold my breath, to check if Harry is still asleep and breathing steadily beside me before I let out the shaky breath and let everything go. My face is screwed up and I'm trying so hard to cry quietly, so that I can have this moment of weakness to myself. Harry stirs causing my breath to hitch and my heart to beat faster as I anticipate him waking up. But all he does is roll over, removing his hand from my waist to rest on his stomach. I take this opportunity to get away and creep out of the room and down the stairs, praying that Harry, Eleanor and Louis wouldn't wake up.
In the kitchen I flick the kettle on to boil, busying myself by quietly shuffling things around in the cupboards while I wait for the water to boil. As soon as it's done I fill the mug I retrieve from the cupboard and stir in some milk. I leave the spoon in the mug and place it on the breakfast bar, taking a seat. I continue to stir it, eyes staring off into the distance and settling on a spot on the countertop in front of me.
I don't know how long Harry has been watching me when my eyes fix on him as a result of seeing movement in the corner of my eyes, but he pauses when my eyes settle on him. He continues over to me after a few moments, approaching with caution and stands on the opposite side of the kitchen isle with both of his hands pressed on the countertop.
"I thought you'd gone" he says, voice raspy due to having just woke up. A frown is etched on his face as if he is in deep thought. I open my mouth to tell him that I'm not going to run away. I haven't thought about running away in a while. I can't do it now, I need these people. I need Harry. But Harry speaks again before I can, "I thought someone had taken you."
I shake my head slightly, a small smile forms on my face as realise I'd misunderstood him, "I'm here." Harry's frown deepens.
"Did you have a nightmare?"
"No"
"Can't you sleep?"
I pause, contemplating whether to lie or not. I decide against it. "I don't want to sleep" I go back to stirring my tea and he sighs. "I can't sleep"
"You need to sleep" his voice is soft but there's an underlying tone of authority which I need, to know what I should do. I would quite happily deprive myself of sleep if it meant I didn’t have to face my nightmares.
"Please don't make me" the ache in the back of my throat returns as I try to swallow my tears.
When I was younger and I couldn't sleep, Dad would make me warm milk with sugar. When I moved to London and I couldn't sleep, I would watch TV until I could no long hold my eyes open. But now, Harry and I lay facing each other, he combs one of his hands through my hair whilst the other draws circles on my leg and soon enough I unwillingly welcome sleep.
-
A shrill scream pulls me from my restless sleep. The images from moments ago are stuck in my head and it's not until I feel Harry's hands on either side of my face that I realise the scream is coming from my mouth. I wriggle around as Harry tries to pull me to his body. My breathing is beyond rapid, almost psychotic.
"I d-didn't want t-to do it, I didn't w-want to" my voice is desperate, urgently wanting Harry to understand me. After a few minutes of Harry hugging me to his chest and rubbing my back, I am pulled back into reality, realising it was all a nightmare.
I'd had the same nightmare for the past 5 days. It was as much as a nightmare as it was reliving the memory. I was in a dark room, someone was trying to get in but the door was blocked. I had a gun in my hand, ready to shoot. But in my nightmares the door would open, only when I had shot the bullet would I register the face of who was trying to get it. On day one and two it was the man I had shot. On day three and four it was Harry. Day five was man I didn't recognise. Tonight has ripped my emotions to shreds. Day six, tonight, the face of the man my Dad.
“It felt so real” I whisper to him, my voice as unstable as I feel. My hands are clasping onto the fabric of his t-shirt.
“I know...I know. Was it the same?” I nod, my head buried in his neck.
“It was my Dad this time”
"He's fine, it wasn't real"
"I know..I just..it hurt, especially as he's so far away from me right now." There's a long pause before Harry pulls away slightly, I lift my head from his neck to look at him.
"You can call him in the morning."
"Really?" He nods, "thank you" I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him tightly.
-
Harry is sat across the table from me with a notepad and pen in front of him. His phone is on loud speaker in front of me, on the second ring my parents pick up.
“Hello?” My Father’s voice fills the room, a smile immediately forms on my face. His voice is groggy as it’s a little after 7 in the morning but I knew he would be awake and getting ready for work.
“Hi Father” I say excitedly. It’s been forever since I’ve talked to him.
“River? Is that you? JEFF! RIVER IS ON THE PHONE” his voice gets further away as I picture him shouting up the stairs for Dad. “You alright kid? We’ve been worried sick you know, you haven’t answered our calls in so long” I look at Harry as he speaks, worried that I’m going to do something wrong.
“I’m fine, really. You don’t need to worry about me”
“You’re our daughter, we’re always going to worry about you” he says sternly. As Father speaks Harry writes ‘say you’ve been busy with the shop’ on the notepad.
“I know it’s just I’m so busy with the shop and everything that I’m hardly ever home as it is”
“Really? Because I called in on the shop the other day and Katie says you haven’t been in for a while.” His tone is confused with underlying suspicion. I get a weird anxious feeling in my stomach and I look to Harry, who is quickly writing on the notepad, for help.
“Yeah, no I don’t get to stop by the shop as much as I’m meeting with realtors to see about buying another shop” I improvise until I can see what Harry has written. It says ‘you’re staying with me- more convenient, fashiony stuff ect.’
“It’s all complicated, you’d think after buying a shop once, I’d at least be on top of things” I continue with a fake laugh, “and I’m staying at Harry’s because it’s easier.”
“Harry?” He sounds confused but I hear Dad say something in the background, “oh yeah, that boy you’re dating.”
“No one calls it dating anymore” I laugh, a genuine laugh this time.
“Alright Hun, no need to make me feel any older than I am”
“Mm” I hum, “how are you and Dad?”
“Oh we’re great, really great. Your Dad got a raise at work a few weeks ago, how amazing is that? He keeps telling me it’s nothing but it isn’t is it?”
“That’s amazing Dad” I say, hoping he can hear me, “doing anything interesting with the extra money?”
“We haven’t really thought about it have we?”
“No” Dad says in the background.
“Hopefully he’ll take me somewhere sunny” Father says playfully, hinting at my Dad.
“Yeah that would be nice for the two of you”
“It would be nicer if you could come too Honey” my Father’s tone pulls at my heart.
“I know but I’m really busy with work an-“
“I know, sorry I want just thinking out loud” he interrupts.
“Mm” I hum and look at Harry before I start speaking, knowing that the next thing I say will be taken one way or another, “but maybe Harry and I can come visit you soon” I bite down on my lip, ready for a reaction from Harry but the corner of his mouth turns up slightly to offer me a small smile.
“That would be great, I’d love to meet this mysterious Harry boy,” I roll my eyes.
“He’s only mysterious because I haven’t given you his last name so you can do a background check on him” I laugh and so does Dad and Father.
“Yeah yeah, whatever kid” is all he says because he knows it’s true. There’s a pleasant silence between us and I speak before he can end the call.
“I miss you”
He sighs, “I miss you too Honey, so does your Dad. We love you so much and we’re so proud of you.”
“I love you too”
“Alright Hun, we’ll let you go now. Tell this Harry guy that if he ever hurts you I’ll break his legs”
“Alright Father” I smile. Oh if only he knew what Harry is capable of then we wouldn’t be joking around. “Bye, love you”
“Love you too kid.”
The line cuts off but I don’t make any effort to move or say anything. I just sit and replay the conversation in my head with a sad smile on my face.
In that moment it was as if everything was normal.
Finally I look at Harry whose eyes are already on me. “If my Father did a background check, would he find anything...?” I ask nervously.
“Don’t worry, we don’t get caught” he smirks but continues when he sees my worried frown. “The local police know of our gang but nothing too specific. If your Dad does a background check I come up as Harry Styles. No criminal record, just an owner of a few restaurants and a club.”
“Okay”
Another thing to add to the bag of lies I tell the people I love.
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Have a lovely Christmas!xx