"But I can hardly sit still. I keep fidgeting, crossing one leg and then the other. I feel like I could throw off sparks, or break a window--maybe rearrange all the furniture."
― Raymond Carver
For all of you in the last chapter who commented and cried and honestly is probably more than sour at me for breaking them up, thank you for reading.
And I just wanted to say because there's been some controversy in the comments, the break up is neither of their faults.
Clementine doesn't know about his father, Bar didn't know what to do, and both of them are extremely hurt over this.
Enjoy!! Sorry for making our babies be in pain :(((
chapter 38
Every day someone loses faith in their god-- but that night, Bar's goddess lost faith in him.
Even heartbroken, Bar remained hers.
His heart stayed attached to the little goddess in the same manner that a key will still fit into a lock even if they are separated.
Bar was staring blankly at Law's dashboard, thinking nothing and everything at once.
It was 3 AM and no amount of exhaustion would allow him to sleep.
His best friends had spent most of the night trying to get Bar to feel better or to talk about it.
But the brute didn't want to talk about it.
"She broke up with me." That's all Bar had said to them before breaking down into loud, body-shaking sobs.
Those sobs weren't like how the movies showed them.
It was gasps and pain and snot coming out of a nose and a burning face and too many disgusting, horrible things.
It was sad and heartbreaking and loud and a horrible thing to bear witness to-- when someone is so broken that you can just tell by the way their body is curling into itself and sobbing hysterically.
Gus and Law, they didn't know what to do.
None of them had been heartbroken in that way before. None of them knew the remedy to a breakup.
So Bar just cried in the front seat of Law's pick up truck as the nerd drove the group of best friends around town aimlessly.
Heavier tears fell out of Bar's swollen eyes when they passed the cafe him and the little goddess always went to, and the ice cream shop.
Gus had fallen asleep in the back seat around one but Law was dutiful in watching over Bar.
After a little while, the nerd asked, "Did you... did you think about telling her?"
"Yes," Bar grumbled. "But what was I supposed to say? It's not like I could've just gone: Hey, baby, there's a reason why I'm not gentle. Why I'm an asshole, why I'm like this. My dad's a fucking deadbeat. Surprise!" The words were like poison. "Alcoholic fucker, is more appropriate. He likes to get... rough. It's hard to live like that, it's hard worrying over my sister constantly. So, what I'm saying, is that I'm a bitter bastard with daddy issues whose really stupid."
"That's not who you are," Law said. "You're the guy who helps his sister no matter the consequence. You're the one who helps me calm down Gus after his mom caused another panic attack. You're the one who helped me with my epilepsy, and who holds me steady during each seizure. You're Gwen's hero-- you're all of our heroes."
"Not hers."
After that, nothing that Law said would get Bar to join a conversation or seemed to help.
He made small talk.
Bar didn't reply.
He tried to play all of the brute's favorite songs.
Bar didn't sing.
He tried to tell dirty jokes.
Bar didn't laugh.
The brute felt numb. Numb and empty and just completely cold.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
She wasn't supposed to leave him.
She promised.
As they passed two guys who were laughing on the sidewalk, one of them nursing a bloody nose, a startling thought crossed Bar's shattered mind.
"Can you call Obsidian?" He tiredly asked, voice croaky from crying so much as his dark eyes swollen and red from crying as they glanced over at the nerd.
"Oh, sure," Law gave a confused frown but pulled into a gas station to park his truck nonetheless. "Why?"
"She was crying," Bar said this even as tears were still stuck in his eyes, him not being able to say her name. "Crying people shouldn't drive. Can you, fuck, please just make sure she got home okay?"
Bar couldn't think about anything but their breakup.
About what he could have done better, what he could have said better to prevent the hole that was quickly forming in his chest.
His heart felt icy and he didn't want to get warm again.
Not without her.
Law nodded and proceeded to take out his phone and called the older twin, putting it on speaker.
He answered on the fifth ring.
"What is it, Lawrence," Obsidian said. "If you meant to call your boyfriend, this is the wrong number."
"No, I meant to call you. Eli's usually asleep now, anyway." Law said before clarifying, "I have a question."
"Well, I'm kind of busy and it's 3 in the morning so get on with it."
"Is Clementine okay?" Law and Bar stayed silent, the ladder anxiously awaiting the answer.
"Like, mentally? Not at all. You probably know this already, but they broke up."
Bar flinched.
"She's bawling and can't speak," Obsidian told them, Bar's fists clenched as his whole chest hurt. "But physically, she's okay. She called me to come get her so I did and I brought one of the butlers with me to drive her car back. Why? Is Red fine?"
"No, he's not. And he wanted me to call, he was just worried. Crying people shouldn't drive."
"Oh," The older twin said that, and then muffled speaking could be heard in the background. "Did he... is he safe?"
No. He's not.
"I thought you didn't care," Law grumbled, eyes locking with Bar's darker ones.
It was the truth.
Didn't make it hurt any less.
"I don't like him," Obsidian said. "But I care about him because Emy cares about him."
She doesn't care enough to stay.
"Got it," Law nodded to himself, lips pursed. "Take care of her, yeah?"
"Yeah, dude. Course."
Lawrence and Obsidian said their goodbyes, and then the nerd started to drive again.
The trio decided to crash at Law's house, mostly because his mother was slightly okay instead of off her rockers like Gus's mom was and that she wouldn't be there, either, since she was away on a business trip.
Law parked his truck in his driveway and then went around to the back to wake the goof up.
Bar slowly got out of the vehicle and just leaned against it, body too tired to do much else.
He's had an excruciatingly long day.
"Come on, man," The nerd jabbed Gus in the cheek making him jolt into awareness, eyes blinking over at his best friend tiredly. "We're at my place, get the fuck up."
"You're the worst boss I've ever had," Gus grumbled, sleepily unbuckling himself while getting out of the car.
"That's sad and all, I guess, but I'm not your boss."
"That's the last straw."
"What? What straw?"
"I quit, goddamn it, I quit!"
"You're not even working!"
"You're making me walk!" Gus exclaimed, throwing his hands up. "That's work."
Law rolled his eyes and began to walk to the house, Gus right next to him and Bar following them.
"You're just lazy," Law said, unlocking the door and flicking the lights on.
His house was small and about twice the size of Bar's apartment but it had more than enough room to house the three teenagers.
"Nah," Gus kicked off his shoes while coming through the door, Bar silently falling suit. "I'm accurate."
"Whatever," Law scowled.
The group of best friends went into the kitchen and got some snacks together-- Bar didn't eat anything, he felt like throwing up-- and then went into the living room to watch horror movies.
Bar watched them blankly, not really sure at all how he was feeling.
He could tell that Gus and Law were tired but, like the good best friends that they were, they stayed up with the brute.
Hours passed and all three of them were watching the TV through half-lidded eyes and ignoring the morning light that shone in through the curtains.
Law yawned and stretched, Gus flipping him off when he yawned, too, before speaking.
"Are we going to ignore the elephant in the room?"
"His name is Wilburt," Gus scolded.
They ignored the comment, knowing the goof was only trying to bring light to a very dark situation.
"I don't want to talk about the elephant," Bar murmured, staring down at the blood on his hands.
"What do you want to do?"
"Take a shower." The brute stood up. "So I'm going to do just that."
"Okay, yeah, go for it, man, just let me grab some stuff from the bathroom," Law said, groggily standing before jogging to the aforementioned room and taking out anything that Bar could use to hurt himself with.
The brute didn't take offense, his best friends were just looking out for him.
Bar wouldn't cut himself again.
Just because Clementine broke her promise, doesn't mean he'll be breaking his.
Bar didn't register the bruises along his body or the stinging of the open wounds as the shower rained down on him, water mixing with blood and turning red as it went down the drain.
His movements were robotic as he cleaned his wounds and washed his hair, drying his body, and getting dressed before he even realized that he was done.
Bar was on autopilot at this point-- but one look into the mirror broke that spell.
His lip was busted, he had a cut on his cheek and swelling over each bruise, and a gash over his forehead, along with little lashes made by the glass that had dug into his skin.
His eyes no longer looked like his dad's.
No, Talmai's eyes were never this dull. Never this sad. Never that shiny from tears being unable to leave them.
Bar hated it.
He hated seeing himself and knowing those bruises-- the familiar sight of blood over his skin-- was why the little goddess left him.
"I hate you!" He screamed to himself.
His fist went through the mirror before he even knew his arm was raised to throw a punch, before he even knew what he said.
Bar stared down at his once again bloody fist and, in a daze, looked back up at the mirror that was now all cracked and falling apart.
There was glass in his knuckles.
"Daddy," Gus knocked on the door. "You okay?"
"I'm sorry," Bar said, opening up the door with the hand that didn't have glass in it. "I broke his mirror."
"He'll forgive you," Gus frowned, worried, and made Bar sit down on the couch in the living room.
Retrieving the first aid kit from the bathroom while Law cleaned up the mirror, Gus got out a pair of tweezers and began to take the glass out.
"Does it hurt?" Gus asked, taking out a bigger piece, wiping the blood gently with a cloth.
"Not enough." Bar replied.
The goof paused, didn't say anything, and continued until Bar's hand was wrapped.
Once he was done, Gus said, "I can't pretend to know how you're feeling but I know it probably feels like you got hollowed out and replaced with a pile of shit. But so many people care about you, man. I don't like it when you get hurt but I'll always be here to patch up your knuckles when you do."
"And I'll be here too," Law reassured, coming into the room. "Helping you clean up any mess that you make."
"You won't leave me?" The brute asked, voice as small as he felt.
"Never."
"Not even when we all go to hell."
That's all Bar needed to hear to be able to rest his head against the back of the couch and fall asleep, tears falling from closed eyelids.
He's not alone.