Mayroong mga bagay sa mundo na ayaw mo ng maalala. Iyon ay ang mga bagay na pilit ibinabaon sa limot. Maaaring ayaw nang maalala kasi hindi naging maganda ang kinalabasan. Maaaring dahil ang pag-alala dito ay nag-iiwan lamang ng sakit.
Isa si Aki sa gusto ko ng ibaon sa limot. Ayaw ko na siyang makita. Akala ko maayos na ako pero ang makita si Aki ngayon sa harapan ko ang nagpatunay na kahit ilan pang taon ang lumipas, mananatiling nakaukit sa akin ang nangyari sa nakaraan. Ngunit hindi ibig sabihin noon na hindi pa ako nakaka-move on. Hindi dahil naaapektuhan pa ako ay may nararamdaman pa ako kay Aki.
Wala na akong nararamdaman sa kanya. Matagal nang wala. Siguro ang natitira na lang sa akin ay hinanakit. Ilang taon man ang lumipas, mananatili sa akin na isa siyang gago.
"W-What are you doing here?" I asked stuttering.
Luther held the small of my back, assuring me that he's here and I'm not alone. I am thankful that I have Luther in my life. He makes me feel that being alone is sad. That is why I couldn't take it anymore if even Luther will leave me.
"Xena, I want to talk to you," Aki said looking directly at me.
"Talk about what?" I asked. Isiniksik ko ang sarili ko kay Luther, takot na kapag malayo ako sa kanya ay masasaktan ako.
"Maybe we can talk somewhere private?" He asked and then look at Luther. Napailing ako. Hindi ako sasama sa kanya kapag hindi ko kasama si Luther.
We went to the nearest cafe. Aki drove his car while I went with Luther. We ordered some drinks and the place was awfully awkward. No one dared to speak. We just sat there, silently looking at each other.
"If you don't have anything to say, we'll now leave," I broke the silence.
"I want to apologize," Aki quickly said. Napatingin ako sa kanya at unti-unting kumalma.
"I want to say sorry for everything that I did to you back then. I'm sorry. I was a jerk. I know there is nothing I can do to ease your pain. I can't bring back the life that was taken. I'm sorry for causing you so much pain, Xena. Believe me, I regretted all of that. At first I thought that I am not capable of loving. All I thought was I could only inflict pain. But Molly came. Molly is sometimes a real bitch, she's admitting it though," he said and laughed at the mention of Molly's name, his soon-to-be-wife.
"Molly loves me. She made me believe that I can love too. So please Xena, forgive us. Forgive Molly. Attend our wedding for the sake of your cousin. She wants to see you. She thinks you are avoiding her," he said pleadingly.
I sighed.
"You got me all wrong Aki. I have already forgiven you both. Okay na sa akin. Natanggap ko na naman. But can you respect me if I choose not to come?" I said respectfully. "The wedding can continue without my presence. So, if you went here just to make me come, I'm sorry but I can't."
And then I stood up. I felt Luther's presence behind me. Napag-usapan na naman namin ang kasal nila. Luther clearly understood my reason why I don't want to come.
"Are you okay, love?" He said when we entered his car.
"Of course," I smiled at him.
I feel a lot better now. Parang nawala 'yong bigat na dala-dala ko. Maybe all I need was Aki's apologize after all.
I have always loved the moon, like how I was mesmerized by his sparkling eyes. They say he brings hell and so I believed that you were a devil.
And then I saw myself as an angel wanting to save him. I have my halo duplicated planning to give it to him. I gave him my all. I sacrificed. I experienced different forms of pain. I endured all the moments he had caused me and all I think was for him to be saved.
Not until I realized that there's nothing left in me. I have nothing to give and it seems like it's still not enough.
But then, I saw him. He's happy. I can see the glint of happiness in his eyes. His soul sparks with joy. He's no longer a devil.
Now, he's complete while I have nothing. He's full while I am drained - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
I am now happy that he's able to bloom completely. I am now happy for myself too. I have faced the consequences of interacting with the other dimension. My wounds are now stitched up and was able to heal in private.
In the process of healing and recovery, I have realized something. He was the real angel with a broken wing and I was the devil masking myself with a halo.
I am now healed from Achilles' pain.
And now I am with my real angel, Luther. My beloved angel.
*
"Congratulations!"
"Congrats!"
"Mami-miss ko kayo!"
"Ayokong magkahiwa-hiwalay tayo!"
Mga ngiti.
Luha.
Yakap.
That's what I saw upon roaming my eyes around. Napaka-ingay rin ng paligid. Akala mo never na silang magkikita-kita e.
Napaka OA ng mga Grade 6! Choss.
But seriously masaya na nakakalungkot.
Napabuntong hininga ako.
Ilang taon rin nilang nakasama ang isa't isa. Nakasama ko din sila dito sa school. Sobrang kulit nila!
May time pa na muntik akong madulas kasi nilagyan nila ng wax ang tiles ng sahig! But that was part of their childhood. They're growing up. I would be a hypocrite if I would say that I'm not going to miss them. Heck I would miss them big time! Kahit hindi sila ang advisory class ko.
"Today could be considered one of the happiest moments in my life. Today, I was appreciated. Today, I feel loved," madramang sabi ni Diadem, ginagaya ang speech ng Valedictorian.
Napakaarte talaga niyan!
"Oh shit! English 'yon. Akalain mo nga namang kaya mo naman pala mag-English," pambabara ko sa kanya. Inirapan niya lang ako at lumapit naman sa ibang teachers.
"Congratulations Batch 2020! Blow out naman d'yan," pagpaparinig ni Reyanne sa mga bata. Natawa naman ang mga Grade 6 na nakarinig sa kanya.
Napakatakaw talaga nito at feeling close pa!
"Sa mga magulang mo sabihin 'yan," natatawa kong sabi sa kanya.
"Kylo, pakainin mo nga 'yan! Gutom na naman," baling ko naman kay Kylo.
"Kapag sinabi ko ba dyan na iwasan ang pagiging matakaw, iiwas na siya? Bisyo na niya ang pagkain, Xeres. Hayaan mo na lang. Mabuti na 'yong may iba siyang kinaaadikan, hindi 'yong sakin lang siya adik," Ginulo niya ang buhok ni Reyanne. Masama naman siyang tiningnan ni Reyanne pero sa huli ay niyakap din.
"Huwag nga kayo sa harap ko maglandian!" Inirapan ko silang dalawa. Pareho naman nila akong pinagtawanan.
"Nasaan ba kasi si Engineer ha?" I pouted when Reyanne asked me.
Nasa Manila kasi si Luther. May inaasikaso lang siya pero pabalik na rin naman daw siya bukas.
*
"Luther!" I shrieked in laughter when the sea water splashed all over my face.
Nasa isang island kami dito sa Mindoro kasi dito namin napag-usapang magbakasyon. It relaxed my body and calmed my mind. Ah, so peaceful!
"Saan mo pa gustong pumunta?" He moved towards me.
"Buy souvenirs!" I answered merrily.
Pauwi na kasi kami bukas. Balak pa sana namin na mas matagal kaso ayokong iwan si Mama sa bahay ng ganoon katagal. Mabilis ko siya ma-miss.
That afternoon, we just went to the souvenir shop. I bought plenty of souvenir shirts for my co-teachers. I even bought one for Diadem. Madami rin kaming biniling mga local foods na wala sa lugar namin.
We ended our tiring day by watching the sunset. Goodbyes aren't always bad. The sunset proved that goodbyes could also be something beautiful.
I remembered my unborn child. Mayroong point sa buhay ng isang tao na wala siyang magagawa kundi i-surrender ang isang bagay, pangyayari o tao sa taas. Hindi para sukuan ito kundi upang tanggapin ang katotohanan.
Minsan, hindi na natin kailangan ang opinyon o sasabihin ng iba kung dapat ba natin itong iwan, tigilan, hintuan, daanan o lisanin.
Sa buhay, mapapasabi tayo na "Sana ito na" , "Sana mangyari na", "Sana siya na". Pero ang tanong, ito na nga ba talaga? Mangyayari na ba talaga? Siya na ba talaga?
Sa oras na magawa nating i-surrender ang masasakit na bagay, doon natin matatanggap ang biggest blessing sa buhay natin.
Blessing kasi nawala? Blessing kasi maling tadhana? Blessing kasi tamang desisyon? Blessing nga ba?
Blessing kahit nawala. Naglaho man sa buhay natin, nawala sa araw-araw na nakasanayan, sa puso, sa isip, pero hindi mawawala sa'yo mismo. Dahil ang lahat ng ito ay nakaukit na sa atin. Ang mga pangyayaring hindi natin inaasahan, nangyayari. Ang mga bagay na hinihiling, hindi lahat ibinibigay.
At ang taong minsan nating ginustong manatili sa atin ay nakalaan para manatili sa iba. Hindi laro sa isang baraha o anumang may kinalaman dito pero para sa huling baraha : Pagtanggap.
Natanggap kong hindi sa akin nakalaan ang lahat ng nangyari sa nakaraan. Kagaya ng nakatadhana si Aki sa pinsan ko. Pero dahil doon, nakuha ko ang greatest blessing ng buhay ko.
Si Luther.