A/N: OKAY THIS ONE HURTS YALL GET READY IT HURTS A LOT A LOT A LOT AND BTW ITS A MUGGLE AU
disclaimer: written by @lilevans on archive of our own
The door slams. His heart is pounding and what he just said to her is echoing over and over again until everything goes quiet. Numb. And there's a hole in his chest. He thinks they've just broken up.
He waits an hour. Two, three. Keeps thinking she'll come back, she always comes back when they fight, because she's lily and they're both stubborn and ridiculous and he'll say sorry because he fucked up and spoke too quickly. And she's too quick to defend herself and they go in circles, but she always comes back and they're fine.
Except it's different this time. Because she doesn't come back.
//
He sits on the bed after the fourth hour, cradling his head in his hands. There's a broken beer bottle on the ground, and he doesn't know that if he threw that before or after she left.
He sniffles and cautiously opens her drawer of miscellaneous crap, the one where she put everything and anything she could fit. He needs to hold the things that belong to her and remember its going to be okay.
Except, it's empty.
She's emptied it and her keys and cheap perfume and phone charger are all gone. All that's left are the hand written notes that the two of them wrote to each other.
James, I've got to go to work early, but if you want I'll drop in for dinner tonight. Which is just Chinese on the floor, I know.
Lily, get up. I've made breakfast.
There's a singular photo left behind too, a Polaroid he took at an Italian restaurant. Her hair is messy and colourful against the dim, pale lights and her smile is right there, full and in focus. He aches and it feels as though he's been shot. He glances towards the door. It's been 5 hours. Usually she's back by now.
He picks up the phone with shaky hands.
"What's hanging, twat?" James exhales as Sirius answers.
"I think we broke up," he croaks. God, it hurts even more to say it out loud. He's a mess.
"Fuck. I'm on my way over, mate."
//
She comes back to pick up her scarf and the rest of her clothes. She leaves the key on the counter. He almost goes to hug her as she leaves, then remembers the hole in his gut. It's so much more awful when she's left, but still very much right in front of him.
"I'm sorry, James." Her eyes are big and sad and the wonder that he fell in love with seems gone. He can feel the guilt of causing that gnawing away at his insides.
"I think it's a bit too late for apologies." He grits his teeth. He has no idea why he's just said that. Maybe it's because he can't punch the wall or drink 8 beers in a row again.
She only nods. She pauses for a moment, hesitates, as if she wants to say something more, or kiss him, or suddenly change her mind and decide to stay after all. James starts hoping that she'll do any of those things. Instead, she just turns around and closes the door again. It's so much softer this time, but the silence is deafening.
//
The first few weeks are the worst. The boys take turns in making sure he's okay, bringing beer, and playing the Xbox with him. He cries into Sirius the first couple nights. He lets him.
He knows they go to see Lily and don't tell him. He's not angry, he knows they love her just like he does. He just really fucking misses her.
He knows it's really his fault. He's the one that said if it's really that complicated maybe you should just fuck off like you always do!
And she did.
"Don't beat yourself up, Jim," Sirius says into the silence when they're eating Chinese on the floor. Like he used to do with her.
"Fuck off Sirius, I mean, I practically pushed her out that door and locked it myself,"
"Maybe, but she decided not to come back. It doesn't matter who said what if you both said fucked up shit,"
James lays back so he's looking at the ceiling.
"Yeah. And now I've lost her."
"James, it will get easier." Remus puts an arm on his shoulder. Peter puts train on the stereo and James cracks a smile.
"There he is,"
They begin blasting the words to 50 ways to say goodbye.
Suddenly there's slightly more colour in the world.
//
It's been almost 4 months and he thinks he might be back on track. He's punched four holes in the wall and paid for all of them to be fixed, had a week without showering and did the thing he promised himself he wouldn't do. Paint. Because Lily always said he was amazing at it and the colour green reminds him of her. Things are a little more in sync and he doesn't think about her every day. Sometimes, he considers calling her and asking her to come and get coffee with him. Just so there's last piece of closure. He thinks about it, staring at her number until the digits blur together.
Then, one night, he and the boys get fucking smashed.
They're at some club in the city and Sirius definitely intended for James to end up hooking up with some hot chick, but instead he has four tequila shots too many and ends up looking at her blurred out number again, head pounding like it was the night they broke up.
"Lily? God I miss you," He thinks he's talking to voicemail, and he knows it's nonsensical, but there's been words in his throat he's been choking on for months on end. He needs it to end.
"I miss how you would kick Sirius off the couch and always ate your veggies first when we had meals together. I miss you sitting on the countertop eating cereal at 4am cuz you couldn't sleep and I miss your fucking snoring, would you believe-"He stops, slurring.
"I guess, I'm trying to say that I fucked up. Bad. I know it, you know it, but god, Lil...you were the best thing I ever had."
She breathes down the line and a single tear slides down her cheek.
His eyes widen. "Lil?"
She hangs up.
//
Even against Remus' better judgement, he walks home from the club in the rain. There are puddles everywhere and he sees his warped reflection in each one. He thinks he looked better when he was with Lily. If he hadn't drunk so much, he probably wouldn't be remembering so much about her. He wants to paint her green eyes again.
His keys are way too cold in his fingers and everything is numb and awful as he fumbles to get them into the lock. Collapsing on the couch, he runs a hand through his hair and thinks he should probably never move again.
He uses the last shred of energy he has to put the kettle on, and he stares at it for a moment as it starts to boil. Then, there's a desperate, clambering knock on the door.
He opens it, and she stands on his doorstep like her own form of a puddle. Her vibrant hair is plastered to her forehead and there are dark rings around her eyes. She sucks a breath in as his hitches.
"James," She breathes, then hiccups. There's something in her voice, so simple and familiar that he wants to kiss her right then and there.
"Lily? What are you doing here?"
"i-I..." She falters.
He drinks in her features. Fuck, he forgot she had that many freckles. Splattered with the rain, they're even more beautiful than he remembers.
"I wanted to come back as soon as I left. But... what you said really hurt me and I refused to apologise for that. so I... just didn't."
"It's okay, Lil. I fucked up,"
"So did I, james, don't you get it? My pride, it really got the better of me. But... look, I know you're drunk, and I'm not completely sober right now, but this is the only place that has ever felt like home to me and even though you're the most annoying person in the world and you drool in your sleep I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love you,"
It's all too much, and he kind of can't handle it. Lily, in the rain with her hair pressed to her face, and he kisses her.
It becomes unclear what's rain and what's tears, but she presses herself into him and they're kissing to make up for five months of lost time.
"Please never leave my life again," He whispers. They stumble back into the house and she kicks the door shut.
"Only if we can get Chinese tonight," she mumbles against his lips.
"Lil, it's 2am."
"I don't care. I walked here in the rain."
The hole in his gut is overrun by greens and reds and a single word. Her.