Warning - Some description of physical and emotional abuse in this chapter.
You were dreaming again, trapped in a nightmare. This time it wasn't about death, it was about your past and a different type of hurt you had experienced.
You stood watching your father shouting at your mum, he looked furious and was extremely drunk. His face was inches away from hers. "Why did I ever marry you!" he shouted, bringing a hand up and slapping her hard across the face. You could remember screaming at him to stop, and to not hurt her. He then turned to you, "and you... I never wanted you, you were a mistake!" he was getting closer to you and you cowered away,
"Please... don't hurt me" you remember saying but it was no use, you felt his blows collide with your body and you remembered screaming out in pain...
"How on earth did we end up with you!" another familiar voice said. You were having a different flash back now.
"Worthless, useless, It was a mistake picking you!" the man said. You were remembering one of the foster families you once stayed with. You had accidentally dropped a glass when getting it out of the cupboard. He was really angry; this wasn't the first time he had hurt you. "Clean it up now!" he shouted.
"I nee..I need to get a dustpan and brush" you stuttered.
"Use your hands!" he snarled. You remembered having to pick up every single piece of glass and it cutting painfully into your hands. "what have you got to say for yourself!" he shouted in your face.
"Sorry" you said pitifully.
"Sorry is not good enough!" he shouted, hitting you round the face making you fall backwards in a daze. You then remembered being kicked continuously in your side, taking blow after painful blow.
"please.." you begged "Please stop, your hurting me" you screamed in agony. You could feel someone grabbing your arms and your name being called. You shot your eyes open and began to panic, "Get off me! I'm sorry, please, please don't hurt me!" you pleaded.
You couldn't control your breathing and your heart felt like it was going to jump out of your chest, you were hyperventilating.
"(y/n) its ok, it's me, it's the doctor. It was just a dream, you're safe, I'd never hurt you" you heard a kind voice say. You looked her in the eyes, she relaxed the grip on your arms as you were no longer flailing about.
"You need to breathe (y/n)" you heard someone say behind her. Yaz had rushed in when she heard screaming coming from your room.
"Breathe with me, nice and slowly, one breath in... and then out" the doctor said. You followed her instructions and finally manged to get your breathing under control. The doctor looked at you with concern, she pulled you into a hug.
"I heard screaming... you were begging someone to not hurt you!" Yaz said, looking at you with worry. She sat down on the bed the other side of you.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake anyone up" you said.
"don't be silly, I needed to know you were ok" Yaz said.
"I was awake anyway, you were sleeping ok, you had the odd twitch now and again but suddenly you just started shaking and thrashing about screaming, crying out for someone to stop hurting you" she said, looking at you with pure worry.
"You mentioned to me that someone had hurt you before, what's going on (y/n)? who has hurt you?" the doctor asked.
"I don't want to talk about it" you said, anger was slowly beginning to build up inside of you because of the memories you had just seen.
"Talking really helps, I'm sorry that someone has done something awful to you, but you can trust us, we just want to help you" Yaz said.
"I said.. I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" you shouted getting up off the bed.
You could feel the anger raging inside you now, you went over to the kitchen opened the fridge and grabbed a glass bottle of what you presumed to be alcohol. You slammed the fridge door shut and sat on the floor leaning your back against the work top. You opened the bottle and took a large gulp; it burned your throat as it went down. "Definitely alcohol" you thought.
The doctor and Yaz walked over towards you.
"(y/n) please... you don't need that" the doctor said.
"Do not tell me what I do and do not need" you snapped.
The doctor gave you a hurt look.
You sighed and began to calm down slightly "Sorry" you said.
They both came and sat near you on the floor, also leaning their backs against the sides.
You took another big sip from the bottle.
"(y/n), I just want you to know that whatever has happened in your past, whatever pain you've been through, we're here for you. You are safe with us and I will always protect you" The doctor said, staring at you with her amazing kind eyes.
"Thanks Doctor, that means a lot" you smiled, a tear rolled down your cheek.
"Hey, it's alright, come here" Yaz said, shuffling beside you, gently taking your hand that was not holding the bottle.
The doctor shuffled a little closer to you too and sat the other side of you. You could not help but feel safe and comforted by their presence.
"I err... I was dreaming about somethings that happened to me in my past" you said.
"What happened (y/n)?" Yaz asked kindly.
"I've been hurt by a few people; I was remembering some of the worst times it happened, by my dad and another man from a foster family I stayed at. My dad always reminded me that he didn't want me, I was a mistake... his words hurt but his punches hurt more" you said shaking slightly.
The doctor placed a comforting hand on your arm.
"The other memory was of when I accidently dropped a glass at a foster home, he made me pick it up using my hands... I tried to say sorry but he said I was useless and that it was a mistake to have chosen me. He punched me and continuously kicked me when I was on the floor.." you said taking another large swig from the bottle." Not all the families I stayed with were bad, some were really kind, but I was always angry and made it difficult for myself" you added.
"I'm so sorry (y/n)" the doctor said.
"You are not useless, or a mistake, I'm so sorry they hurt you... You are one of the strongest, bravest people I've ever met" Yaz said squeezing your hand gently.
"Thanks guys, I try and just get on with it but it's hard when I get it replayed back in my head" you sighed.
"I can help you with that, with sleeping, I can give you something nice to dream about, I'd just have to touch your forehead like I did with Yaz earlier today, if you'd like?" The doctor asked.
"I don't really know at the moment, It's not that I don't trust you, I just don't really like the thought of someone else in my head, I mean, the Tardis is already in there" you laughed.
"Just let me know if you ever change your mind" the doctor smiled.
You went to take another sip of drink, you could tell it was strong, you had a slightly tipsy feeling wash over you. Before the bottle reached your lips the doctor gently placed a hand on it and looked at you with pleading eyes.
You sighed and let her take it.
You let out a massive yawn, you felt exhausted from your nightmare, from panicking and just by talking about your past.
"I think you both should try and get some more sleep, don't you?" The doctor said.
Yaz gave you a hug and stood up. "Well done for talking (y/n), we're all here for you, see you both in the morning" Yaz smiled heading back to her room.
"Come on you" the doctor said offering her hand, helping you up.
You stumbled slightly; the alcohol had started to take effect.
"Whoa, steady there, I've got you" the doctor said helping you get back into bed.
"Doctor?" you said.
"Yes (y/n)?" she asked.
"Ehh would you mind if... if you could possibly lay beside me again for a bit, like the other night, it just really helped me sleep, I don't mean it in a errm, sexy way, you just made me feel safe" you said.
"Of course" she laughed. She lay beside you and you instantly laid your head against her chest.
"You don't mind do you?" you asked, "It's just the sound of both your hearts beating is so gentle and relaxing".
"I don't mind" she said, gently stoking the back of your neck with her fingers and playing with your hair.
I did not take you long to start to fall asleep.
"Two hearts..." you mumbled, a soft smile appearing on your face. You snuggled closer in to the doctor and drifted off back to sleep.
The doctor looked down at you and smiled, she was growing really fond of you. She looked at you sleeping peacefully and thought about all that you had been through. She felt so much empathy for you and just wanted to keep you there safe in her arms forever. She was feeling a little tired too, she shut her eyes and leaned her head gently on top of yours and peacefully drifted off to sleep.