L O V I N G
L A K Y N
THERE IS THIS false delusion of which took place in the late middle-ages where this concept came about, titled the glass delusion. It was an external manifestation of a psychiatric disorder recorded in Europe where people feared that they were quite literally made of glass and if they were not too careful, they would shatter into pieces.
My substitute history teacher, Mr. Donovan, was rather passionate about the topic. I found it stupid at the beginning because how can you be convinced that you are made out of a non-crystalline when thick skin sits above your bones, blood and internal organs. Glass can only contain so much, so how is it that many people feared their lives because they were so vulnerable?
The more that I researched it, the more stupendous I found the entire scenario, but that was one year ago and now I find myself forming a more deeper understanding of the subject.
Those people thought that they were made of glass because of how easily pain can be inflicted upon someone. Quite clearly, the delusion evolved with society and therefore ended up being debunked or simply just faded with age, but regardless, my mind has been racing with several thoughts since Lakyn's departure and all that I can think is that I am made of glass.
Not in the literal sense, but metaphorically. I am so fragile, so vulnerable that I fear accepting pain otherwise I will shatter. I act as though I am strong and that I do not feel and though that was once true, it is entirely false now.
Because even words, actions, lyrics, and boys can shatter you.
After ridding of my emotions after the party I felt numb and after conversing with my father about my supposed Yale acceptance letter, I thought I may as well bid my life goodbye, but it took me up until now to realize that what I am feeling is something, it is anger, sadness, grief, every depressing emotion imaginable, but the point is that I am feeling and I have been telling myself otherwise.
Depression has always been apparent in my life, always. Depression is the only constant in my miserable existence, the only thing that does not move and does not change as it is always there, sometimes more than other times and now it is here in full swing because for some incredibly rude reason, I have lost the ability to be empty and not in the sad beyond help sense, in the I truly do not feel a single ounce of emotion sense.
I have failed to achieve something that I have worked so hardly and lengthily for, for the entirety of my high school career. My father is proud of me for the first time and I think that is a strong contender as to why my non-feeling superpowers are gone. Because the man I have sought approval from for so long is finally giving me it.
It sounds unrealistic, but I quite honestly felt my cold skin becoming warm again. I felt my heartbeat again. I felt my blood rush again.
I felt myself feel again.
It was too overwhelming and I wanted it to leave, so I came to school and reverted back to my old ways in attempts to cope with the tsunami going on in my head.
Why?
Because I felt sad.
Sad sounds so childish, like something flimsy, something one should be able to cast off with a happy reflection or the smile of a friend. But sad is nothing of the sort. It sits inside like the germ seed of depression, just waiting for the right conditions to grow, to send out roots to choke the hope out of your heart. It is the trough in which we struggle to return to the peak, always afraid that this time the rungs will be too slippery, too far apart, or simply not there at all.
I am aware that I am only seventeen and my problems now will eventually be a mere joke in the future, but now, everything is too much to even see a future. Whether my problems are growing by the hundreds or are not existent at all, I have a right to be sad, everyone does. I just wish I had known that before I destroyed myself because my father claimed that 'sadness is only felt by the weak' and' pain is just an illusion used to immobilize humans.'
He has always had such strong beliefs. I just wish that he had chosen to believe in me instead.
I stormed out of the library, unable to hold myself together as I paced the hall. My hands balled as my freshly manicured nails dug into my sweaty palms, my heart racing as it was fueled by anger.
I did it again. I took my jealousy out on Lakyn, but he took his anger out on me per usual and it is now that I am beginning to realize we simply are not compatible in any sense.
I try to understand him so badly, I try to see through that persona that he puts on every day, but as time goes on, I am beginning to accept the fact that he simply does not want me to see that. And I understand, but I suppose the reason that I am truly angry is because he has seen me, the real me and I am yet to know the real Lakyn Westbrook beyond drugs, sex, and intimacy.
I am angry because I am not used to us getting along, I feel like I have to hate him otherwise I will give myself to him entirely because I was already beginning to and quite honestly, I would give him the moon and all the stars if he asked.
I am angry because I like him and the entire concept of having feelings towards someone is foreign to me.
I am angry because he took me under his spell just like he has done with every other girl and I am not like every other girl.
I am just angry at everything, at myself, at him, so I push him away by getting angry at him too, solely because I am too much for him, and being in his life romantically would just cause him more difficulty than I already am just at school.
But it is also him too. It is everything.
Not to mention, he is terrible to girls and I refuse to be with someone who carelessly degrades women, though it is no longer me that he necessarily degrades, he needs to learn how to treat a girl, he needs to continue to grow before I can fall for him anymore.
Maybe he has genuine reasons behind his actions, but I am not aware of a single one of them, so until then there is not much that I can do except for to make up my own excuses for him.
Besides, I have gone my entire life up until now without having a single crush on anyone and considering I am going to college in a matter of months, there is no purpose in developing feelings or even a relationship, despite not knowing if or where I will be going to college.
My emotions may be taking a leap into a downwards spiral, but I can control this part.
I took a sharp turn, resting my head against the cold metal lockers as I panted, trying not to fly off the rails as I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing as my entire body began to shake fiercely.
My anger and sadness intertwined hands as I felt tears sting my eyes and at the same time, I felt my skin turning red.
I composed myself, holding in the tears and saving them for later, when I heard someone sniffle and the sound was not coming from me.
I slowly turned my head to the side and saw her there.
It was Bea. She was on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest as she sobbed. I chewed on my bottom lip, knowing that her sadness was my fault.
I stalked my way over to her quietly, stopping next to her, then pressing my back to the lockers and sliding down onto the chilling floor, tucking my skirt beneath my thighs as I crossed my legs.
Bea slowly raised her head, turning to face me as she looked at me with glassy eyes and a red snotty nose.
"What are you doing here?" she asked in a vulnerable and sad tone.
What was I doing here? I did not even know myself.
I chose not to answer her question. "You know, Bea," I began, "you should never have to change yourself or your personality to impress a boy. I may not know you, but I know that how you were acting in front of Lakyn was not the real Bea."
"You should take your own advice." she said softly, "In the seventh grade Lakyn told me that I was ugly, and do you know what everyone did?" Bea asked and I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. "They laughed and agreed with him, but not you. You were the mean girl, but you still made sure that I knew I was nothing less than beautiful."
My forehead creased as I tried to remember the time she spoke about. I could vaguely remember. I believe it was in the cafeteria, she was at our table and Lakyn insulted her instead of simply asking to move. Hale and Blaire laughed along, which is no surprise, but I could practically sense the intense anxiety radiating off of her and I could not help but feel sympathetic.
I did not say anything there in fears of my friends making everything far worse or turning my words into a joke, so I found her the next day and said something, privately.
"That was you?" I asked, surprised.
Though she had barely changed since then, I had entirely forgotten about the incident for it was years ago at this point.
Bea nodded, "Correct." was her brief response. "You can be unnecessarily mean at times, but you're a good person. Which is why I apologize for being a show off in front of Lakyn and offending you instead."
I shook my head, "You did not offend me, do not worry about it." I gulped.
"You don't need to act a certain way in order to be validated by a boy, either." she said after clearing her throat. "Everyone knows that you have Lakyn Westbrook in the palm of your hand, despite being enemies, his groupies see the way he looks at you when you're not."
I snapped my head towards her, furrowing my eyebrows, "Very funny, Bea." I snorted, "No one controls Lakyn but himself."
Bea rolled her clover green eyes, "It's true, I swear!" she remarked, "He's the most handsome boy at Dayton Academy, he could have anyone he wants, so why has he not chosen yet?"
I shrugged, "He is Lakyn." was my honest answer. "Why has one girl when you can have them all?"
God, I was beginning to sound like Blaire.
"He's yours, Lila. Whether you see that or not." Bea said, pulling herself up before holding a hand out to me.
I reluctantly grabbed it before she pulled me onto my own two feet. I towered over her, even though I was wearing heels, it barely made me any taller as I am only five foot three, Bea was extremely petite, she had to be at least four foot nine, maximum.
I flattened out my skirt, straightening my sweater, "Thank you." I cleared my throat.
Bea smiled warmly, her pale cheeks turning red as every ounce of sadness was erased from her well-defined face. "I accept your apology, too."
I stared at her with confusion plastered to my face, "I never apologized?"
She shrugged, "I know that you're sorry." I really am. "I meant what I said, Lila. You have him in the palm of your hand, so for his sake, don't clench your fist."
What if I already have?
***
"So, Lila." Mr. Hale began speaking, clearing his throat after a painful moment of silence. "Foster tells me that you got into Yale."
My eyes widened as I practically choked on my own saliva, my eyes dragging over to where Hale sat next to me as I gave him a help me look.
"Oh, dad I think she's had enough talking about Yale at this—"
Harrison Hale cut his own son of, "Oh, please, son." he dismissed him with the wave of his hand. "I'm proud of her, she's like the daughter I never had."
My heart swelled at his words and now I felt obligated to inform him about my faux acceptance, "I got my acceptance letter over the weekend." I explained to him, "So, off to Connecticut I go as soon as Summer break is over with."
The mentioning of Summer break just made the longing feeling for it even more apparent. I cannot wait for it to heat up, I cannot wait to have three-ish months off to not be responsible for anything. It is my first and last summer that will be spent with no priorities.
I am determined to make those three months the best three months of my life. I will spend every waking hour with my friends until the moment I leave to who knows where.
"It's going to be so strange not having you or Hale around anymore." Harrison stated, a tinge of sadness apparent in his tone.
Hale groaned, leaning back in his chair, "Dad," he whined, "I'll be back, you know I will."
I wish I could say the same.
Once I leave this town, I will never return, no matter what the circumstances are. Something tells me that Hale agrees and he is just sympathizing with his father to save the drama and non-shed tears.
"That's what I told my parents too and then I ended up here."
I chuckled, shoving more lettuce into my mouth, "How is your company going?" I asked Harrison, curious as to how their business is going considering my father discusses nothing about it with me.
The only time I hear about mine and Hale's fathers' company is when he is leaving and gives me a brief overview as to where he is going, for how long, and sometimes if I am awfully lucky, he tells me why too.
"Great, great." Harrison reassured me with a pleased smile. "One of my dear friends in Pennsylvania are trying to convince me to publish their sons' story, though he is still only eighteen."
Father groaned in annoyance, "They're still keeping up with that, Harry?"
Harrison nodded and seeing these two converse so effortlessly made me smile for it reminded me of the simpler days when Hale and I were younger and had no idea what editing or publishing books were.
"Indeed. He has to get a degree first, I refuse to look at some teenager's story and publish it when there are all these other authors with far more experience waiting to be published." he shook his head, clicking his tongue.
Poor boy. I know how it feels to want something and have no one believe in you. His parents believe in him, if only Harrison and my father did too, though he is inexperienced, they are supposed to help with that.
I looked at my father warily before diverting my gaze over to my father, "His writing could be extraordinary and you would not know." I defended the nameless boy, "Why don't you give him a chance?"
"You remind me much of Alison these days, Lilac." Harrison said as he wiped his mouth with one of Elaine's neatly folded napkins. "Always so passionate. I'll tell you what, I'll give his work a look over, if I approve then he will have you to thank."
I laughed lightly, smiling at him. He had always been far nicer than my father despite being wealthy, it never went to his head, though he is not around often and Hale suffers from a severe case of loneliness, at least he knows that regardless of where his father resonates, he loves him all the same.
"And who is this amateur writer?" I asked curiously.
Harrison looked over at my father before back to me, "Holt Stone." he explained. With a name like that, god, he must be an impeccable writer. "Your father and I used to go to school with his parents Vera and Silas."
"I am sure they would do the same for you if they were able to." I said presumed. "What is it that they do?"
The two middle-aged men looked at each other confusedly before my father spoke up, "I honestly have no clue. They're businessmen, I know that."
"Then ask them to invest in your company in reward for publishing their sons' book."
I am sure that they do not need it considering Mckinsey's publishing and co is a multi-million-dollar company, but money is money. The more the better, besides they will technically just be paying for their son's fame which—depending on his talent—will expand throughout his career.
Father and Harrison shared a look of surprise before nodding, "Good thinking. I will be sure to give Vera a call in the morning."
Hale groaned, pushing his foodless plate away, "Okay, okay." Hale sighed, bored out of his mind. "Enough business talk. Can Lila and I be excused now?"
They both nodded and we practically ran away at lightning speed, boosting up the stairs and into my room where Hale laid down on my bed with me next to him, staring at the roof as our shoulders and thighs touched, nothing heard but our soft breathing and the brisk breeze coming through the opened doors which lead onto my balcony.
"I fucked up." Hale and I both said at the same time.
A moment of silence passed before we turned to look at each other with blank expressions, then bursting into a fit of laughter.
He shoved my shoulder playfully, "You go first." he insisted, "It's been a while since we've talked."
I did not notice.
I turned my attention back to the roof, "You will bully me if I tell you." I pouted, huffing.
"You'll bully me too."
I snorted, turning to look at him with an amused smile, "Oh, I already know all about what you did." I chuckled and his eyes widened, "I swear you and Lakyn think with your dicks and do not actually have brains in those heads." I remarked, knocking on the side of his head.
He shoved my hand away, rolling his eyes, "I forgot girls can't keep things to themselves." Hale murmured.
"We do, but it does not apply to our best friends."
He sighed, rolling onto his side, so that he was facing me entirely, "I kind of lashed out." he stated and I looked at him as if to say you think? "I just got pissed cause I've been trying to fuck her since the start of the year, only to find out there was no use."
"All because she is a virgin?" I rolled my eyes.
Hale nodded, "I like virgins. They're clingy." he remarked, "I like feeling wanted."
"But only sexually." I added and he nodded yet again. "Do you and Lakyn do anything other than abuse drugs and have sex?"
He shook his head, "Not really." was his brief answer. "You aren't any better. You and Lakyn keep fucking with each other."
"Oh, so you two do talk?" I acted surprised.
Hale snorted, shoving me yet again, "He doesn't say much about you." ouch. "He doesn't say much about anyone. He doesn't know how, purple."
"He does not know how to feel, I know." I rolled my eyes, recalling the time that he had informed me that he is practically a dead corpse with a heartbeat. Ironic, is it not?
It seems as though the tornado is indeed hollow inside. It took me being the eye of the storm to notice that even when in his arms, he still suffers from a lack of common knowledge. I understand that he does not know how to do a lot of things properly.
All he knows is how to be mean and angry and emotionless.
"Lakyn doesn't open up often—actually, he doesn't open up at all." he exclaimed, "So, the fact that he told you just that means he trusts you, Lils."
Why is everyone on his side today?
I groaned in annoyance, "We just don't get along, Hale." I exhaled. "Whether we're friends, enemies. . .we just clash too much."
"You're enemies but somehow, you've managed to stay in each other's lives for twelve years." he pointed out. "You clash because you won't accept what you already know."
I turned to face him with surprise, "When did you turn into such a softy?" I snorted.
Hale glared at me, "I haven't."
"We have remained in each other's lives because of you, Hale." I stated truthfully, "Without you, I would not be involved with him."
Hale rolled his eyes, sitting up. "Whatever." he sighed, knowing that I am far too stubborn to admit to anything, "So, what colored tie do I need to match your dress, huh?"
I giggled, "Lilac."
The prom theme was announced weeks ago after students voted out of several choices. The winner was fairytale-themed and considering I have never seen a Disney princess movie—crazy, I know—Eden made me watch every single one.
None of them really interested me, in fact, they all annoyed me in different ways. They always needed to be saved—excluding a few—and were so helpless, I understand they are children's movies, but the producers are just installing in young boys' and girls' minds, that they need someone to save them in order to be happy. They need a prince charming, otherwise, they are not good enough.
Eden loved Mulan the most and honestly, I did too. But when I returned home later that afternoon and sat down at my desk, I found myself wondering what dress I should design for myself and Eden that both represent us and make us feel confident.
Eden's was relatively easy. It was a tie between Anna and Jasmine, but I decided on Jasmine solely because aqua would look extremely flattering against her tanned complexion and it would be nice to see her in some color. I would have chosen Anna, but I could not envision Eden being pleased when handing her an emerald and purple gown or a green one for that matter.
I feel like Jasmine and Eden share similarities. They are always worrying about others instead of themselves, always doing right rather than wrong and they are both incredibly strong mentally.
Once I decided on hers, it was my turn.
Though I barely related to a single one, I did find myself intrigued by Rapunzel for she was locked away all her life with so many questions about the world but no answers, always doing right by her faux mother whom controlled her entire being. Sometimes I feel as though I am in a jail cell being in this enormous house, besides the resemblance between us two is uncanny, though she is an animated character, we still share the same blonde hair and blue eyes, so I took that as a sign and settled on her.
Besides, her dress is not half bad and it was enough to inspire something that turned out amazing.
The dresses are almost done and have taken far longer than expected, but are on the road to turning out amazing. At least by designing them myself, I know for certain that no one will arrive in the same dress.
"I refuse to wear a purple fuckin' tie." Hale whined like a child.
I glared at him, "You are such a baby." I pinched his cheek.
There was a brief moment of silence where neither of us dared to speak, both consumed by our own thoughts—well he was. My brain had been on overdrive since the moment I woke up from my slumber this morning, since then, it has been racing constantly, for the first time since six o'clock it has shut off.
"Is what I did to Eden wrong?" he asked, changing the subject back as he got off my bed and began to pace.
I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched him becoming aggravated, "Yes." I said honestly. "She has had a bad run with not-so-nice boys, Hale. She is delicate, so rather take care of her or leave her alone."
"I'll just leave her alone."
I narrowed my eyes at him. Goodness, boys are so frustrating.
Hi everyone!
I absolutely hate this chapter ngl but i'm trying to ignore it. Hopefully the next chapter will be better 😩
Please make sure to let me know what you thought of this chapter as well as vote, comment and follow me.
Also, please let me know, what do you think of Lila's feelings towards Lake and why she's being the way that she is?
Anyways, i'll see you all soon!
I love you ♡