You lay, staring at the ceil, now void of emotion from hours of thinking, crying, yelling from anger.
You were hurt. Angry. Sad. Most of all, humiliated.
Kuroo being mad, or yelling at you, is one thing. But doing it in front of everybody - our friends, coaches, people we don't even know - was embarrassing. Did he do it on purpose? Did he mean to put me in a position I hate more than anything?
This wasn't fair. You have been ignoring everybody, trying to figure out what to do. Try to talk to him again? Ignore him? You can't ignore him forever... he's one of my best friends.
Is he? Would someone who cared about you do that? You sure as hell wouldn't do that.
But... a life without Kuroo as your best friend? That hurts more.
Is this what heartbreak feels like?
You took a stroll outside, wandering to the usual spot you seemed to always end up at. You stared at the moon, clearing your head.
You decided. You're approaching him. You are figuring out why he yelled at you. And you are letting him know how you feel. Confrontation is always terrifying, but this needs to happen. You cannot let this simmer any longer. It isn't fair.
You wandered into the gym him and Bokuto usually practice in, only to not find him there, just Bokuto, Akaashi, and Karasuno boys.
"Where is Kuroo?" You asked.
"Good question, I haven't seen him for most of the day," Bokuto said, walking up to you. He put his arm over your shoulder, embracing you in a side hug, "That thing he did earlier was pretty wack, huh? Akaashi and I have been angry at him all day for that, huh Akaashi? If he doesn't apologize, I'm giving him a piece of my mind."
"Yes, Bokuto-san, that wasn't nice of him," Akaashi said, lowly.
"I want to talk to him," You said.
"Do you know what his problem is?" Bokuto asked. You shook your head.
"I'll see you guys later..." You said, walking out slowly.
You stood and sighed, he wasn't at the first place you looked. Maybe this is some higher powers way of saying you should wait until he apologizes first before talking to him...
You shook your head. No. Be the bigger person.
You headed towards Nekoma's room, putting your ear to the door, listening to see if anyone was inside. You heard Kuroo and Kenma, arguing? You couldn't tell.
"That was not okay, Kuroo, and you know it wasn't. What has gotten into you recently? You seem a lot more on edge, you're getting kind of rude, to be honest," Kenma scoffed.
Kuroo said nothing.
"Quit ignoring me!" Kenma said, increasingly getting more frustrated.
"Why do you care?!" Kuroo said.
"Excuse me? You're my best friend? Is it wrong of me to point out when you're not acting like yourself?" Kenma said, you could definitely tell Kuroo's comment was insulting.
"No, actually, it's not cool to out me," Kuroo said.
"I'm in no way 'outing' you, dude. It's the two of us. I'm bringing up problematic behavior in hopes to figure out what's wrong! People don't just turn into assholes overnight! What did F/N do?!" Kenma yelled.
"Shut up!" Kuroo yelled back.
Enough.
You opened the door and stood there, putting your hands into fists to avoid them from shaking.
"F/N.." Kenma said, walking towards you. He stood by you, both of you now staring at Kuroo.
"Kuroo," You said flatly.
No answer.
"Kuroo," you said again. "I want an apology."
Kuroo looked down, avoiding eye contact.
"Now," You said.
"Why should I apologize..." He said.
"You.. you embarrassed me! That wasn't cool! If there's a problem, why didn't you just approach me with it?! Instead, you had a cause a scene in front of literally everybody. Everyone thinks you're an asshole, and now... now everybody is treating me weird! They feel bad for me.. and I don't want them to! I want you to apologize!" You took a shaky breath and tried to calm yourself now, you didn't mean to blow up on him, but it felt good getting it off your chest. "I'm sorry if that comes off at mean, I'm not trying to be. But, I'm really hurt... You hurt me, Kuroo. That wasn't fair..." You trailed off.
"It's not my fault! You've been acting out of character lately..." Kuroo said.
"Me? Out of character?" You were stunned. What?
"Kuroo, I think you have this backwards," Kenma said.
"I don't! I don't understand, F/N... you're bein' so talkative, takin' pictures and stuff! That was already weird to me, and then like.. you just keep hangin' with Akaashi, you think Bokuto is cooler than me... it ain't fair!" Kuroo looked up at you, with what seemed like pleading eyes, "You never did that stuff with us... We were here first! And now it's like you're replacing us..."
"You seriously are just jealous?!" Kenma scoffed, "I'm out, you guys talk this through. Let me know when it's settled so things can go back to normal."
You and Kuroo were left alone.
He's seriously just jealous? You almost felt bad for him, but your emotions held those feelings back.
You sat down and just looked at him, confused.
"So, why are you jealous?" You manage to get out.
"Don't make me repeat it all... It just doesn't seem fair. We did all kinda fun stuff together.. and now all of a sudden you wanna start makin' memories and doin' stuff..." He said, staring at the ground. He sat cross legged and twiddled with his fingers.
"Isn't that a good thing, though? Shouldn't you be proud? I'm warming up to people easier... getting out of my shell... I thought you would like that," You said. It was true. "I've met new people, and they've opened my mind; I'm changing my perspective," You sat down in front of him, hoping being closer would allow him to open up.
There felt like a huge brick wall between the two of you. He was so shut off.
He sighed and look up at you, "I just wish I could've been the one to do it..."
"I don't understand, Kuroo. Open up to me."
With those small words his entire demeanor changed. He got on his knees and leaned towards you, cupping your face in his hands, staring you dead in the eyes.
"I am afraid of being replaced."
His eyes were filled with pain and worry.
Not knowing what to say, you just placed your hand on his. They were warm on your cheeks, making you redden.
He put his forehead on yours.
You have never been this close to someone like this.
"I am afraid of being replaced," He said again, voice shaking, "and I don't know how to respond to those feelings... so I end up pushin' you away, and that isn't right..."
"As if I could ever replace you..." You whispered.
"If I keep fuckin' up like this you wont have a choice," He said, tears close to forming, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," He squeezed his eyes shut, "I know I'm hard to deal with sometimes... but I'm just scared. I'm scared because you mean so much to me, F/N... I'd give you anything in the world if I could, and to have that taken from me... that thought is so agonizing. I get jealous, thinkin' that someone could make you happier than I do, and that you'll just forget about me... and maybe that's selfish- no, that IS selfish. But that's how I feel. And I'm sorry."
He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you into his lap, face in your neck, hugging you tight. You felt warm tears seep through your shirt. You hugged him, rubbing his back as you two sat in silence.
The minute you embraced, all your animosity melted away.
"Say somethin'..." He whispered, sniffling.
"It's okay, Kuroo," You said, putting your cheek on top of his head.
"You're my best friend... I don't want that taken from me," He choked out, tightening his grip around you.
"I'm not going anywhere... but you can't push me away, either," you whispered.
He nodded, sniffling, "I promise I'll talk to you next time. Thank you for staying by my side."
"I'll always be by your side."
He picked his face up and put his hand on your face again. He looked in his eyes, showing that he was genuine, serious. There was something else in there that you couldn't place, but made you curious. You stared deep, unknowingly inching closer. The tip of your nose touched his, snapping you out of your trance.
You froze, took a sharp breath, processing what was happening.
You. On his lap. Legs around his waist. Arms around his neck.
His arms, around your waist.
Chests pressed against each other.
Eyes locked.
"F/N..." Kuroo whispered.