Unhealthy
PERRIE'S POV~
"Wait, I need to talk to you," Jade stated, forcing me not to leave.
What does she want to talk about? I need to leave. I can't see her. This is absurd.
"No Jade, no. Jade, I am engaged. I'm marrying Zayn. I love him," I stated, looking straight in her eyes. Is that what I really feel? I don't know anymore. I need to get out of here.
"Perrie, you're no picnic..alright? You're a spoiled little brat even..but under that, you are the most amazingly, astounding, wonderful girl...woman that I have ever known, and-" I cut her off, Jade please stop, what are you trying to say?
"Jade I-" I was cutted off by her.
"Let me try and get this out," She pleaded.
"You are ama-" she stopped and sighed. And spoke again "I am not an idiot. I know how the world works. I've got ten bucks in my pocket, got nothing to offer you and I know that. I understand. But I am too involved now" she stepped closer "You jump, I jump remember? I can't turn away without knowing you will be alright. That is all that I want," She added, mumbling the last sentence.
I don't know what to feel. Is it true? What is she trying to say? I don't understand..I can't understand. Does she love me? No, she can't love me, I am engaged, I am marrying Zayn. She can't love me. She can't. I need to get away from here. This is freaking impossible.
I looked straight in her eyes. "Well, I am fine. I'll be fine. Really," I stated. Even though I know in myself that I'll never be fine.
"Really?" She repeated. "I don't think so...They've got you trapped, Pez, and you'll die if you don't break free, maybe not right away because you're strong but...that fire that I love about you Pez," She says putting her right hand on my left cheek. "that fire is going to burn out," She added. I am in fucking verge of tears now. Why? Jade you need to stop. You can't say that, we just met 2 days ago, you're just confused.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. She can't love me.
"It is not up to you to save me Jade," I stated, staring in her face.
"You are right. Only you can do that," She stated, her hand was still on my cheek.
She is starting to lean in closer, our faces were only inches apart. I can feel her breath hitting my face, sending shivers down my spine. I stare at her eyes, her lips, and back to her eyes.
"I am going back," I stated, taking away her hand from my face. "Leave me alone." I added, leaving her.
I went outside that room, going to the first-class lounge. Nothing happened, nothing. I didn't hear anything. That is not true. I got hurt, but I don't know why. This is just I dream. I hope it is. Can someone wake me up please. I need to get away from this.
I am now at the first-class lounge. I am sharing a table with my mother and her two friends. They are having tea. They seemed busy about their conversation and I don't even understand what are they talking about because..I am having my own world here. Thinking about...Jade.
She didn't say directly that...that she loves me, but in every single little thing she said...it seems like...she loves me, but heck no. She can't love me.
The atmosphere here is so suffocating, I need to get out of here.
"Mother, can I go to my room?" I called the attention of my mother and she immediately turned on my direction.
"Why? We are having a tea," she seemed missed, obviously not wanting to let me leave.
"Mother, I want to rest," I stated, hoping she would change her mind.
"Deborah, your daughter doesn't look fine, it's okay we understand, you can let her go," One of my mother's friends said with a concerned voice. My mother blew a deep sigh.
"Okay, go to your room. To your room Perrie," She stated, emphasizing the word "room". Where does she think I would go to?
"Yes mother, thank you and I'm sorry," I thanked and apologized. Then her two friends smiled at me and nodded, sign for letting me go.
I walked towards our room and there's no other place I would go. Jade's words to me earlier were so unhealthy. I feel like I became weak. I lost strength.
I entered the dead silent room. I feel so exhausted. Everything hurts, my body, my mind...my heart and my soul.
"Jade...why...why are you doing this to me," I whispered to myself.
I closed my eyes slowly, and pressed it hoping that everything will be fine, and when I opened my sight, I breathe shakily.
"Perrie she didn't say she loves you..you don't have to be like this," I assured myself.
"But don't be a dumbass! Those words had meaning and you freaking know what that is! Oh yes I knew it," I stated to myself, disagreeing on what I have said earlier.
I lay down in my bed, reminiscing every words she said. I am right...she's trying to say she loves me...without saying that 3 words and 8 letters statement. Of course she doesn't need to say that, that means nothing, it's just a simple phrase. Everyone can say that without proving they really meant those words. Actions speak louder than words. And I believe in that. I sighed. I shook my head frantically, trying to wake myself up from this stupid dream. But no...it's not a dream. It's reality, it's the stupid reality.
Maybe her effect on me is a sign. But no, it can't be. Do I feel the same? I don't know..I feel that if I stand up, I can collapse anytime. I can't contain this, I can't contain my feelings. I don't want to believe, I don't want to believe her. She's just playing right? She can't love me, She's just freaking confused.
I sat up, and my chest is tightening. I need this to let out. I inhaled a very large amount of oxygen. "AHHHH! ARGH! FUCK! FUCK THIS! GOD DAMN IT!" I shouted, smashing my hand on my bed harshly. I have never been this frustrated in my entire life!
All my life, I am a timid girl. I used to control myself, yes, aside with my mother and my fiancé, I do control myself. But I feel like..everyone will watch me and one wrong move I'll be destroyed. But Jade, Jade is different...and very far from them. She released my hidden attitude that even myself had no idea that I have that. Jade uncaged me, she set me free.
But it's still heart-wrenching. I want to destroy everything I could. Only if I can. Seems like I also wanted to break every bone in my body. Only if I can. My mind is so full just like a bomb that might explode anytime. If this pain I'm feeling can kill me, maybe I'm already gone. If I tell my mother about this, she wouldn't care. If I tell Zayn about this, he would be mad. Of course, there's no time that he didn't get furious. All I'm doing were wrong in his sight. He wanted me to respect him even though he, himself doesn't pay me any respect. At the moment, I am eventually....forgetting who I really am. It's Jade's fault..it's her freaking fault....her words are killing me softly.
I stood up to get the vase near me but my plan to destroy it didn't happen, I haven't got the vase yet, but my body collapsed that made the vase fell and broke, that made a loud noise. One tear fell down. I crawled to get the vase and continue to break it, I throw every single piece I can touch, every single piece I can break and make my dead silent room into a loud and messy one.
I am sure that I continue doing this, there will be a knock from the door, and rushing to come over. I have already imagined the scene.
I am now breathing heavily, keep throwing, smashing, and crashing everything I could possibly crash. Even though I'm already exhausted, I'll still do this. I will try to unload the heavy weight on my shoulders. I laughed at myself. I just thought, if Jade really loves me...why didn't she follow me? Why didn't she search for me? I sighed. Oh yeah right. I told her to leave me alone. Nice Perrie, you're such a dumbass!
I was about to throw another piece of broken vase, when someone knocked on the door, as I expected. The door opened and revealed Zayn's secretary asking what happened. I am silently thanking the heavens that I haven't cried yet. But isn't it weird that I got spotted sitting on the floor with a piece of glass in my hand?.
"Ms. Edwards, are you alright? What happened here?" He asked. And I mentally face palmed myself. I forgot someone's here.
"I'm good. I just..accidentally slipped and then the vase fell down and..you know, it broke. I am just fixing this mess," I lied, of course. I don't want him to know, he got nothing to do with it.
"Do you want me to call Mr. Ma-" I cut him off .
"No, no, I'm good. I just don't want to stress him. I have been already giving him a lot of pain in ass and I don't want to give more, for my love," I stated, definitely lying. I don't need Malik here, he will just make it worst. I need to act even though I'm in the middle of pain, I need to act and hide it.
He seemed satisfied on what I've said but I'm sure he's going to report this to Zayn and the next scene is expected, Zayn will come here, and going to shout at me and confront me.
"Please close the door when you leave," I said, finding interest at the ground. His reaction is not important. I heard the door shut, sign that the secretary already left.
"AHHH!" I screamed while scratching my hair, and destroying my make up. I looked like a mess but this time not only inside, but also outside.
"Everything is n-new about me.." I am now talking to myself again.
"What should I do?" I asked myself, and I pressed my eyes.
"I want to talk to her...but my mother...and Zayn...I will be a big disappointment again"
I stood up and lay down to my bed leaving the mess I made at the floor, the broken vases behind. I need to rest. I promise self, tomorrow we will fix this. I do not have any idea how but I'll do my best.
I wish that...everything will be okay again. I don't want this to lead to the point that I will try to commit suicide by jumping overboard again. Just like, 2 days ago. I don't want to do that again because I know it's not and it will never be the best solution to every problem I have and I could possibly encounter. So tiring. This day is too exhausting. A lot has happened. Earlier morning Zayn frightens me, then mom confronted me. I only saw Jade this day when she declared her feelings for me. And now..I'm in this room..full of pain, and I am so...so...exhausted. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I really hope everything to be fine. I need a fucking rest. Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.
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A/N: Jade had finally declared her feelings for Perrie. Perrie is full of pain. What can you say readers? Hope you like it.❤️
~RR~