*Drug references*
A week had passed.
I hadn't spoken to Joel, nor seen Meri or Buddy.
I skipped the last week of school, knowing that seeing his face would break me all over again, and instead opted for crying in my room with Jessie.
She skipped in solidarity, but I think she just wanted to miss school.
I'd moved back in with my parents, as I didn't want to talk to Joel about our living situation, and assumed he'd come home, as Jess had gone over there to get my stuff during school and the pets bowls were full.
My week of post breakup wallowing was now over according to Jessie, and I had to get up and find a solution.
To what, I still wasn't sure.
I hadn't eaten in two days, but my stomach was used to it, so I was thriving off of a glass of water and a single macadamia nut I'd found and forced down.
My solution to the slump? Suppressing all of my emotions.
I felt like a robot, mechanically dragging myself through life.
"Up. Now." Jessie jumps off the bed, pulling the duvet off.
I buried my face in the pillow and heard her moving things around my room.
"What are you doing" I groan, looking up.
She was now holding a cardboard box, and was throwing most of the contents of my room into it.
"I'm cleansing."
"Why are you doing that."
"Because. We decided that while we wait for Joel to come around, you were going to fix this." She brandishes an ornament, "you agreed."
I bury my head deeper into the pillow.
"You've wallowed for a week, that stops now." She places the cardboard box at the end of my dresser, and sweeps everything off of it.
"Why does that involve putting everything I own into the bin."
"Because, everything in here reminds you of Joel in some way doesn't it."
I shake my head, "of course not!"
"Well you didn't bring anything over from America." She rifles through the box, "what about this."
I sniffle, "that was the first book I picked up after Joel first told me he loved me."
She drops it back in, "and this?"
Tears start to well up, "that was the stuffed bear Joel gave me the third time we went to the fair."
Jessie rolls her eyes, holding up more things.
Ten minutes later, she's dropped anything I connected to Joel into the cardboard box.
So pretty much everything was in there, and I'd cried twice.
Jessie sets the box down, and sits next to me.
"Lizzie, you need to forget about this for now, because you need to solve this. There is NOTHING you can say to Joel to make this any better. So you need to move on from the past, and you can't do that without closure."
I sigh, falling back on my bed.
"But first, you need to leave Joel alone for a while and focus on the task at hand, and you can't do that if you spend every moment wallowing in sadness." She pauses, staring at my neck, "closure."
I finger the precious necklace that I hadn't taken off since he gave it to me.
She gives me a meaningful look.
Tears slip down my face as I undo the clasp and feel it fall away from my neck into my palm.
Before handing it over, I trace the hearts with the thumb.
Jessie places it carefully in the box and stands up.
I yelp, reaching out for her, words failing to form from my lips.
"Don't worry, I'm not binning them, I'm just keeping them safe."
I relax slightly and wait for her to come back, unable to move or render how I'm feeling.
When Jessie comes back she no longer has the box, and wraps her arms around me, letting me cry again.
"I should have told him." I sob into her shoulder.
"I know honey." She hushes, stroking my hair.
"None of this would have happened if I'd just told him."
"Lizzie, we've talked about this, stop thinking about what ifs."
"I know." I sniffle, blowing my nose.
"You'll be okay honey, Joel loves you, and it'll all work out."
"Okay." I say timidly, relaxing against her shoulder, and finally closing my eyes.
I hadn't slept as I'd spent most of my time crying.
I woke up again at midnight.
I was lying in my bed under my covers, and Jessie was sitting on the chair by my bed.
I lay there for a while, before something hits me.
In my delirium my brain does a reboot, and an idea comes to me.
Leaping out of bed, I make my way to the cork board above my desk.
I grab a pack of neon yellow post-it notes and start furiously scribbling.
I'm on my second pack of post-its when Jessie wakes up.
"Lizzie? What are you doing." She groans, leaning backwards and stretching.
"I'm figuring out what we're going to do."
"Do about what?" She settles back into her chair.
"About this whole situation."
I tap my pen on the desk, rereading the note that had been permanently burned into my brain.
Lizziebear,
I'm sorry for everything that will fall on your shoulders after today, I never meant to drag you into it.
Buts what's done, is done, and my work is left to you.
I love you, but I couldn't go on anymore. This is your job now, good luck.
All my love
Dad x
My mind wanders to the piece of paper the note was written on so I pull out my laptop, scanning the picture taken of the note.
At the bottom, I'm very tiny print is the word:
Trinities
I had never heard of it, so I type it into the search bar.
The first option is a religious website, however, the second one sparks an idea.
Trinities by Nick Tosches
It is the final battle between America's last generation of Sicilian Mafiosi and the world's most ruthless Asian druglords. The prize is a $10 million heroin market.
Interesting.
There must be some sort of connection.
The note was written on a page from the book.
I don't remember ever seeing it in the house.
"Why are you looking up drug books." Jessie asks, yawning.
"I have a lead."
Her eyes widen, then her mouth curves into a smile, "tell me what you've got."