j a i m e e
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TRIGGER WARNING: detailed description of a sexual assault
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The following day, Shayden and I spent our time playing on his game console and arguing about everything from who was a better player to why the fuck I'm not allowed to throw the pad at him when I lose.
Now we were being dragged to the diner by Taylor and Libbie.
"About time." Libbie said impatiently, practically bouncing in her seat as we joined them. "Taylor called us for a group meeting and you both left me to deal with him longer than humanly necessary."
"See what I've had to put up with?" Taylor exclaims dramatically, eyes wide as he stared at Libbie. "This treatment could be classified as bullying. I've spoken to you twice since we arrived and still, you can't say anything nice about me."
"Don't speak to me then."
"I said Hi!" He huffs, "And then asked if you were okay, to which you put your middle finger up at me and told me to get you a coffee."
"And you came back with a lemonade instead," Libbie stuck her tongue out at him, "And you wonder why I don't like you."
Shayden and I just watched their banter in amusement.
"What's the group meeting about then?" I question, interrupting their petty arguing.
"Ask the dummy." Libbie gestures to Taylor, sipping her lemonade.
"Cameron." Taylor says. I feel Shayden tense up at the name, hand grabbing mine yet I had a feeling it was more to ground him than comfort me. "We don't know a lot so far, but I thought it was worth us trying to find out more about it."
"What's there to find out?" Shayden deadpans, not managing to keep the hostility out of his tone. "He got sent down for rape. As far as I'm concerned, fuck him."
"What?" Taylor forces out, obviously shocked by Shayden's stance. "Think about how terrifying this must be for him. Someone's made something up and he's practically serving a life sentence."
"People don't just make things like that up, Tay." Shayden tries to explain, gripping my hand tighter. "He was sentenced to a few years, and he doesn't even need to serve that. Why are you feeling sorry for him? He raped someone."
Taylor's eyes widened in shock at Shay's tone, "Shay, man, you don't actually believe it, do you? It's Cam. He wouldn't have done that."
"How do you know that?" Shayden counters, his jaw locking. "Stop fucking defending him. He raped someone, he deserves to suffer."
"He's our brother. How can you say that?" Taylor raises his voice. Libbie puts her hand on his arm, shaking her head but Taylor doesn't listen. He turns his gaze to me instead, "Jai, tell him he's losing the plot. We all know Cam isn't capable of that."
My gaze flickers, goosebumps decorate my skin as I can physically fucking feel all of them looking at me. My throat locks up, tightening until my words are hoarse. "I can't do that, Tay."
His jaw drops, staring at me as if I've gone crazy. "So if some random slut accused me of that, you'd just believe her? Like that? No question? Wow, that's the finest loyalty right there."
"You wouldn't do that. That's the difference between you and him." Shayden moves to stand up, obviously intending to take Taylor outside to settle their differences. I grab him.
Libbie practically holds Taylor's arm, remaining strangely silent, keeping him down as he shoots back. "Well how do you know he did?"
"Taylor, I swear to fu-"
"Because it was me."
Shayden's entire body freezes, his stare shooting to me instantly. The shock at my confession is obvious but he recovers quickly, squeezing my thigh in support.
Libbie's eyebrows furrow, his soft eyes blinking as she processes my words. Whilst Taylor's expression morphs into many different ones, none of which I want to see. Disbelief being the most prominent.
"That's how Shay knows Cameron did it. Because he raped me."
After taking a few moments in silence, Taylor shakes his head at me. This time I can't stop Shayden standing up.
"Get outside."
"She's lying."
"I'd do anything for that to be true." I laugh despite the pain, shaking my head at Taylor. The smile on my face hurts and I swear everything within me shatters. This is what I was so scared of, this is what I knew would happen. "You have no idea how much I wish it never happened. But it did. It did happen, Taylor. Cameron raped me. I have the medical records to prove it. But yeah, go ahead with your 'she's lying' argument."
"He wasn't like that. Why are you saying this?" His voice breaks and then it hits me. Perhaps Taylor's view on Cameron was a little different than what I first perceived.
"Think about it. Actually think about it." I push, trying not to look at Libbie in case her face was a replica of Taylor's. "Shayden was my life, second only to Remi. Why would I break up with him? Why did I stop going to parties? Dress like I do? Why did I disappear for months? On more than one occasion? I had to do testimony after testimony. Rape kits, therapy sessions, the trial. Why would I put myself through that for a lie?"
"Why didn't you tell us?"
I raise my eyebrows, actually managing a sarcastic chuckle as I look him up and down. "Why didn't I tell you? Because I was terrified you'd react in the same way that you just did."
"How can you expect us to believe you?" He shoots back, "We all know what you used to be like."
His words hit my full force, leaving me breathless. My eyes flicker with unshed tears and it burns to hear someone that I love and care about so much say that to me. It felt like all the blood circulation to my heart came to a sudden stop; the tightness suffocating me as my head swarmed.
Keeping my head up and practically forcing myself to remember to breathe, I swallow all the anxiety accumulating in my windpipe and breath out.
"Fuck off, Taylor." I don't realize that the words have left my lips until they do, but damn do they feel good to say.
"You heard what she said," Shayden spoke up, not even acknowledging my hand on his shoulder. My eyes were still down, noticing the rigidness of his shoulders. "You want to defend him? Fine. But you can stay the fuck about from me and my girl. We're done."
Time seemed to freeze as I wondered if I heard him right. Was he really going to potentially end a lifetime long friendship because he was defending Cameron? My heart pounds in my ears as the words my girl repeated again and again.
I barely registered Taylor's sneer as he spoke up again, "Don't worry, you won't be seeing me anymore."
A scoff of a laugh escapes Shayden and before I even register what's happening, his hand is back in mine and we're leaving the booth and the diner.
The exact moment the fresh air hit me, I began to hyperventilate.
The blood pounds in my ears. I turn and walk as far away from the diner as possible before collapsing onto some random park bench. My blank and I don't even register someone's arms around me until I feel my head leaning against a chest. I try to open my eyes but my entire vision is disfigured and I can't tell whether it's from the raw panic cascading inside my body or from the stinging tears within my eyelids. I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't. I can't.
My nails dig into my palms and the pain calms me slightly. A hand runs up and down my upper arm, trying to soothe me, but it just makes me cry harder as bile rises in my throat.
"I've got you, love." Shayden says lowly, "I've got you. Breathe, baby. Deep breaths."
"Shay," His name leaves my lips weakly. He's practically holding me up and I want to protest but I can't find the words within me, my mind has completely expired and it shouldn't even be human to feel something so deep within your chest. Shayden continues whispering words of comfort but I can barely hear them, drowned out by the collision of thoughts cascading my mind.
Shayden moves slightly, tugging my legs up until I'm practically sitting on his lap. He's shushing me, rocking me back and forth until my attention moves to him, focusing on the feeling of his touch until my breathing finally regains some composure.
"I'm so sorry, Shay." I whimper, hiding my face within the crook of his neck as embarrassment and shame consume me.
"We've got this," Shayden leans down and pecks my lips softly, before picking me up bridal style and carrying us to his car.
My head collapses onto the headrest, my eyes fluttering shut as exhaustion hits me like a tidal wave. "Can we drive somewhere?"
"Of course, baby." Shayden holds my hand as he drives us to the cliff spot, neither of us make an effort to speak.
When he finally parks the car, I pull my hand out of his and just look into the horizon. We sit in silence for a while until I finally gather the courage to speak up.
"It happened at that party, the Friday before we broke up." I force out, my voice hoarse and raspy from all the crying. "You'd gone home early because you had work early on Saturday morning but I wanted to stay out and no one could ever tell me that I couldn't." I try to joke, hinting at how reckless I used to be. Shayden doesn't realise what I'm implying, or he simply doesn't care as he clings to the rest of my words.
"I just remember feeling really sick and Cameron was talking about finding a spare room so I could go to sleep. So we went upstairs. He was our friend, you know? I've known him my entire life, I trusted him. I never had a reason not to." My eyes shut, my hand creeping up to lightly hold my throat. "It comes back to me in flashes. There's always this pressure on my throat, where his hands were, and I can't breath. He took me to that room, pushed me onto the bed and I couldn't stop him. I cried and I screamed and I fought but I couldn't stop him from ripping my dress off. I couldn't do anything as he ruined me."
Shayden's hand squeezes mine and my eyes flick up to his, the warm pools of ink soothing me as my heart begins to race.
My lips shake as the words come out, our gazes not wavering. "He told me it was my fault as he raped me. He told me that I was such a tease. How dare I wear such a short dress in front of him, what could I have expected him to do? I was basically asking for it. Right?" As I speak, I shake my head. Shayden's anger radiates from him, but it doesn't stop me opening up to him. "I believed him, Shay. And I feel sick remembering that I believed every fucking word he said. But it didn't stop me from reporting it the moment I woke up in that bed without clothes on, with this horrible feeling in my stomach and bruises around my throat."
A sudden feeling of claustrophobia hits me so I step out of the car and climb onto the bonnet. Shayden follows me. I sobbed, fingers tracing the area which would no longer remember his touch. But I did. Bruises heal but the memory of what he did never has.
"It helps, you know? Reporting him and knowing that he wouldn't be able to do it to anyone else, even if it was just for a short time. The trial was awful, they tried to pin it on me. Said I was too drunk to remember if I consented or not, that I was just crying rape because I cheated on my boyfriend. So I told them that they were lying, that I love you with everything in me, that I know I was drunk but that doesn't mean I don't remember how it hurt, and I cried, and I begged him to stop whenever he'd loosen the pressure on my throat. I thought he was going to kill me. I wanted him to."
Shayden held me silently as I cried, just wrapping his arms around my middle and letting me rest my head onto his shoulder. Our intertwined hands rest on the car, his warm thumb rubbing circles into my skin.
"That's why you don't drink." He says eventually, basically whispering. The tension in his voice is too blunt to be hidden. "Because he-"
He cuts himself off, not being able to get the words out.
"I swear, darling. When he's out, I'll...I'll kill him. I'll do whatever you need me too. I'll fuckin-"
"No, Shay." I silence his anger, ignoring how his jaw is locked and teeth are gritted. Shayden wasn't a calm person by any means. He's always known how to handle himself, intimidating those around him. But I wasn't scared. That's why we got on so well. Because he intimidated everyone but me. "Shayden, you will not ruin your life because of that scum."
"He hurt you."
"I know." My heart clenched in my chest at his words. I can't believe he isn't running away in disgust.
"I won't hurt you, Jai. Fuck," He hisses, "How can a man ever do that to someone?"
"Shay," I inhale deeply, unwinding my fingers and pulling his hand until it's resting on my throat. I open his fist and make sure his fingers are curled around my neck as he watches and complies with furrowed eyebrows. "I trust you. I know you won't hurt me because you never have."
He drops his hand, grabbing both of mine instead as he guides us into the backseat of his car. He sits down before pulling me onto him so I'm straddling his thighs before shutting the door. The street lights near where the car is parked cast a dim light into the motor, accentuating the sharp features of his face. I couldn't take my eyes off him. It still appeared absolutely foreign to me how we were here, together, after so long. After the day I broke up with him, I promised myself that I would never burden someone as good as Shayden with my fucked up life, that I wouldn't put him in an impossible situation where he'd feel like he'd need to stay by my side. But with him now, none of his feelings or actions appear forced. It's awfully natural and, for the first time in so long, I feel safe in the presence of a man.
"I won't ever need to touch your throat with my hands again, darling."
"Sha-"
"No." He silences me, leaning forward. "I won't ever need to touch you again with anything but my mouth." His hands land on my waist, pulling me flush against his body as his lips find the area between my neck and my shoulder. Little kisses are spread evenly along the hollow of my neck, before he starts to nip slightly. Exhaling, I lean my head back as Shayden reminds me once again why Cameron was scum.