j a i m e e
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It's been four years since that night and I still put the shower on full blast to try and wash his touch away. The smell still lingers in my nose, reminding me of the sheer panic and terror that I felt. The feeling of not being able to breathe.
There's so much I want to say to him.
First and foremost, I'd ask why. A part of me has accepted that I'll never get an answer for it and, in all honesty, nothing that Cameron would say could ever justify doing that to me. As far as I'm concerned, he can never find an excuse for doing that to me because rape is the only crime that can never be justified, there is no reason.
Sometimes, I swear I can still feel him. Touching me, inside of me. When my eyes shut, there's a constant pressure on me and I know it's him. That's the scariest part, the possibility of never being able to forget.
I hate myself for it, but I find myself wondering how Cameron interprets it all.
Does he hate himself for what he did to me? Does he regret it? And if so, does he regret it because he hurt me or because it got him put in jail?
When I heard that guilty verdict, I swore the entire world around me stopped. The birds stopped singing, the earth stopped spinning. For even a split second, everything halted and it was just me and him in that room. When I pictured that day in the months leading up to the trial, I was laughing. I felt like I'd finally be free of him. But I'm not. Four years later and it still haunts me. Four years later and I still desperately wish that my screams haunt him the same way they haunt me. It still feels raw, like an open wound that's not quite closed over.
Shayden found out two weeks ago. He'd dropped me off home that night, left me with a kiss to my forehead and I hadn't heard from him since.
I texted, called, left voicemail after voicemail. I even went as far as asking Tory and Taylor to get him to phone me, but they'd not heard off him either.
Regret was prominent in my mind, I was angry at myself for allowing him to realize. How could I have expected him to react well? To not see me and be disgusted?
Someone else had touched me in a way that he thought only he had before.
A loud crash echoed throughout my apartment and just as I went to shout, Libbie stumbled into my bedroom breathless.
"I'm having a problem."
"Let me guess, you caused it?"
Taylor arrives then, pushing past Libbie quite aggressively and handing me a chocolate milkshake and Libbie a strawberry one.
"Apparently, Libbie has a problem." I mutter to him, causing him to sigh exaggeratedly.
"Give me an hour or two before telling me, I'm not drunk enough to deal with her shit yet."
"Basically, there's this hot dude working at the nursery now and I need to find a way to fuck him before he realizes how shit it is and leaves." Libbie explains, sipping her milkshake with a pout.
"That sounds a lot like child endangerment to me, Campbell." Taylor deadpans.
"I hate you." She says, the expression on her fact not faltering for even a second. "I'm having an existential crisis and you think milkshakes will solve it!"
"Well, I have a better idea." Taylor hums, raising his eyebrows at her.
"No you don't, Taylor." I butt in, scoffing. "History has proven that many times."
His smirk drops as his stare flickers to me. "Loving the support, Mendoza. Just what I needed, thanks for that."
"Anytime." I smile sweetly, shrugging my shoulders.
"Well I was saying," He emphasises, throwing me a quick glare. "I think you should tell us his name first and then we'll see what we can do."
"Colson Mason."
My eyebrows furrow, that name sounding awfully familiar as Taylor seems to have the same thought.
"I swear I know who that is." He mutters, whipping his phone out. He types a few things in before bringing up an instagram profile, showing us both. "He's Cameron's brother. Knew he seemed familiar."
Biting the skin on my inner cheek, I try to not react at all at his words. Libbie seems taken aback at the revelation, as if she didn't expect there to be a relation, and seems a lot more hesitant at looking at his instagram photographs.
"Have you heard off Cam? He's not been around since we left High School." Libbie eventually asks, cocking her head as she directs her question at Taylor.
If anyone would know, it'd be him.
I lay my intertwined fingers in my lap, trying to ignore the way my heart races dangerously at his name and the sudden urge to cover any exposed skin.
"Nah, but Shayden was asking about him the other day. I thought he'd know out of everyone." Taylor says, "I'm going to ask around though. I thought he'd just moved away for college and lost our numbers or something, but surely he would've been back by now. Or been in contact. It's been over three years."
Please don't ask around, I mentally say. Please, Tay.
I can't find it within myself to say it aloud, however.
Libbie groans, throwing herself down onto my bed dramatically. "God, I hate my life so much."
"Same."
"Word." Taylor mutters, causing us both to look at him funny.
"Shut up."
"Wha-"
"Just shut up, Tay." Libbie blinks at him, her mouth set in a straight line.
"I hate you both so much. You actually bully me."
"You're so dramatic." Rolling my eyes, I shuffle off the bed and mess about with my speaker until Arctic Monkeys is playing.
Taylor nods his head up and down to Knee Socks while Libbie's top lip curls up in response. I can't tell whether it's from Taylor's pathetic 'mosher' impression or the fact she hates any music that isn't Halsey or Taylor Swift.
"Don't you think this is weird?" Taylor starts off quietly, "How we've known each other since Pre-K and we're here? Full grown adults with building careers?"
"Fuck me, he's going all existential now." Libbie mumbles, "I can't deal with this emotional shit."
I brush off her comment, instead deciding to entertain Taylor. "I know what you mean. It's weird looking at you and not seeing the boy who glitter bombed every cheerleader at the dance in 7th Grade."
"Hey! At least I didn't get the record for breaking the most noses. Libbie owns up to that one."
"You're trying to insult me but you're just building my ego, Ward." She rebuts instantly, a grin taking over her features as she reminisces. "God, those were the days."
"Do you remember when Jaimee broke Bethany Jacob's nose the week after the food fight in the Cafeteria?" Taylor says in awe, "That was the best day of my life."
"It's kind of hard to forget how you stood on the sidelines and screamed 'You go, girl' and then started asking us to make out." I deadpan, "Shayden was raging."
"Well she tried to kiss him so you flipped out while he was in detention and I couldn't stop you. What did you expect?" Taylor asks cockily, "And besides, it was hot seeing you two go at each other."
"Go at each other? Jaimee had her on the floor before Bethany could ever grab her hair." Libbie tuts, kissing her teeth. "Made me a proud mother that day, Jai."
"You should've been a proud mother anyway. Have you even met me?" I scoff, shaking my head at her in disappointment.
She just rolls her eyes, a lazy smile on her lips. "It would've been better if her friends would've gotten involved. Imagine the satisfaction of ripping out hair extensions. Oh, one can dream."
I wince, "Shit, Libb. That'd probably hurt like a bitch."
"Exactly." She hums happily, "Taylor, can I curl your hair?"
"It's already curly?"
"Fine, can I straighten your hair?"
"No."
Libbie looks at him with narrowed eyes, offended that he'd even think that 'no' was in her vocabulary. "What? Why not?"
"Because you constantly remind me that you don't like me. I know I'm stupid but I'm not stupid enough to let you near my hair with a hot compass." Taylor deadpans, shaking his head at her.
This just makes her frown even further, "Are you joking? I'm literally so nice to you and this is how you treat me? Wow, I see that Jaimee's obviously the favorite."
"You told me yesterday that you'd trade my life for a pizza."
"You say one wrong thing and suddenly you're not a nice person, wo-"
"That was after you ate my ice cream and told me that you'd pour glitter in my hair if I spoke to you."
"And yet you didn't heed my warning so watch out." She shrugs, picking at the dirt under her nails. "I can't even deal with this disrespect."
"In all fairness, Taylor." I start off, "Libbie is nicer to you than most people."
"Exactly! Yes, Jai, thank you!"
"But she also would 100% trade you for a pizza."
+++
The next morning is hard.
Forcing myself to get out of bed when I feel like there is a constant pressure on my chest is hard. It sounds stupid, but a part of me thought that he'd have stuck with me. He reacted in the best way possible, reassured me that I was strong and safe and he believed me instantly. He told me that he respected me, made it sound like he cared about me.
If Shayden cares, then where is he?
Maybe this is my karma for breaking his heart. Maybe this is my punishment for all the pain that I put him through.
God, I knew this was a bad idea. I just need to ignore it. Pretend like everything's fine. Like my rekindled relationship hadn't fallen apart, like it all ever happened in the first place.
I can't tell Taylor and Libbie. If Shayden couldn't accept it then how could I expect them too?
The harsh truth of it all is that people don't like you when you're sad. People don't like it when there's something wrong with you and you need to ask for help. People don't like it when you cry and break down.
It's too much. Too much emotional baggage. I knew that, I always knew that.
I hated myself throughout High School because of my scars. I hated myself for how I coped when I lost my parents. I hated myself for not being worthy of someone as beautiful and kind and so effortlessly good as Shayden.
The moment I force myself out of bed, my phone beeps.
Shayden.
Hut