j a i m e e
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TRIGGER WARNING: smut, anxiety attack
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Arms wrap around my waist and I giggle as I'm pulled towards a warm body. Shayden's head dips into the crook of my neck as his peppers small pecks against my skin.
"What are you doing?" I ask almost breathlessly, relaxing into his arms.
"Thought I'd treat my girl to some one and one time." He hums against me, sending flutters into my stomach instantly. I squeeze my thighs together.
"Hm?" I say, spinning around so we're facing each other. Chest to chest. "And how do you aim to do that?"
"How about I show you after I shower, yeah?" He smirks, nipping at my earlobe. A massive smile embraces my face as I shake my head in disbelief at him. "Does that sound good, baby girl?"
Fuck.
That pet name almost makes my knees buckle as heat floods my body. He knows it's my weakness. Fuck, he knows that.
"You're playing a dirty game, Nkosi."
"Who ever said I'd play fair?" He rebuts immediately, his signature smirk still littering his face.
"Get in the shower. Stop teasing." Using all my self-restraint, I pull myself away from him.
He saunters away towards his bathroom as I collapse onto his bed, inhaling his lingering scent deeply in order to calm myself.
Saying he makes it hard for me to think clearly would be an understatement. Shayden was fucking intoxicating, so much that it hurt sometimes to be away from him.
It doesn't take long for the bathroom door to reopen and my stare is fixated on the door the moment I spotted Shayden.
My eyes traced the droplets of water cascading down his carved muscles, following them until they slip under his towel. I pressed my thighs together unconsciously, cursing myself mentally for the sudden desire to touch him. I couldn't lie to myself, I wanted him to drop the towel. I wanted to see him, touch him, feel him. Against me, next to me, inside of me.
This overwhelming sense of desire feels awfully foreign. Yet the fear threatening to overtake my senses dims slightly as I remember who I'm in a room with.
While my mind is running around in circles, I realize Shayden is studying me. I felt so insecure contained inside my oversized band hoodie and ripped jeans and he obviously noticed how different my attire was now compared to years ago.
Regardless, he still made it hard to breathe; he made it hard to think.
Our thoughts seem to shift at the same time, as lust pools into his black orbs so suddenly. The atmosphere shifts, goosebumps decorating the back of my neck as he walks up to me.
Our body's fused together. Shayden's hand holds the back of my head, smashing our lips together as we fight for dominance. Without even hesitating, I climb further back on the bed and Shayden follows me, not breaking our kiss for even a second. His towel falls off as he leans over me and I don't even have time to admire his body as he starts tugging my hoodie over my head, leaving me in my white lace bra.
His tongue slips into my mouth and, without warning, my jeans are off. Shayden let's out a feral growl as his eyes rake over me. I ached for more, using my grip on his hair to pull his face back towards me.
"You're so beautiful, Mendoza." He rasps, sliding his hands up my side until his hand reaches my breast, needing it in his hand roughly. "Fuck, I missed this."
His plump lips reach my neck next, his knee opening my thighs and completely removing the pressure that I was begging for.
I release a moan, throwing my head back as one of his hands reaches down and cups my pussy, rubbing circles over my panties. I throw my head back, panting as his pace increases.
"More." I whisper, my breathing unsteady as I stare into his lustful gaze.
"You're so hot like this, darlin'. So fucking exquisite." Shayden sends me a lazy smile, leaning down and capturing my lips one more.
He slows down his actions as his other hand moves, wrapping around my throat.
My eyes shoot open, panic consuming my lungs and my entire body locks.
Shayden notices, stopping everything all together and leaning up, holding himself up as he straddles my waist so he doesn't put all his weight on me. "Jai?"
"Stop." I shut my eyes, lips shaking as Shayden turns into him and everything suddenly hurts.
He moves off me the moment the word leaves my lips, pulling on his boxers beside the bed. I turn over, back to him, curl up and cry into the mattress.
I don't know why.
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Fingers danced softly down my spine, my skin warming at the contact. I opened my eyes to find my room wholly black, with Shayden perched on the mattress next to me.
"Do you want something to drink?" He asks me softly, his voice lowered with a certain tentative tone.
"I feel...Everywhere is just heavy." I whimper, my hands forming fists around my pillow covers.
Shayden doesn't say anything- I don't expect him too. But he surprises me when he just leans back until he's lying next to me. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls himself flush against my back, nuzzling his head between my shoulder blades. "I've got you." He says softly, "I'm not going anywhere."
This time, I don't reply. Everywhere aches.
"If you want me to stop touching you, just say."
My head is shaking before I have the time to process his words, knowing that whatever I'm feeling is going to go easier with him here. Beside me.
It was selfish, I know. But Shayden's presence always comforted me.
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My eyes shoot open as the memories of what happened last night suddenly hit me. I sit up, looking around Shayden's empty bedroom. Immediately, I notice my folded clothes on his bedside table.
Using all the energy left within me, I force myself to get out of bed and get dressed, swapping my jeans for a pair of Shayden's sweatpants. Everything feels... exhausting, like I was running a marathon when I was just putting clothes on. Like a heavy pressure on my chest, on my head. Holding me back, slowing my movements. As my hoodie falls around my cold body, I spot a pillow on the carpet and the fabric was rumpled as if–
As if Shayden had slept on the floor.
The thought that he did that, the thought that I'd offended him, burned more than any reminder of that night. I didn't want Shayden to hate me, I didn't want him to look at me and see a pathetic excuse of a human being. An attention seeker.
And, above all else, I didn't want to look at him and see pity staring directly back at me.
In the next second, I'm in the kitchen. The door to the apartment is shut, but not locked, and there's no trace of Shayden anywhere. The coffee machine beeps and I pour myself a glass, despite knowing that it would leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
I didn't even like coffee but I needed something to give me the energy that seemed so foreign right now.
I shifted in my seat, wrapping a hand around my warm mug as I became even more anxious by the second. I was too focused on the many thoughts that suddenly came swarming up in my mind, messing everything that I'd tried to keep stable up.
Footsteps sounded near me, the wooden front door whirling open as Shayden walked through. He was breathing hard, sweating as though he'd just gone for a run. And judging by his sweaty state, he probably had. He enters the kitchen, his heavy breathing halting when he sees me seated on the countertop.
I kept my eyes on the hot coffee in front of me as he shuffled around his kitchen, wondering why he wasn't asking me to leave after last night.
"Good morning, Jai." He murmured as soon as he got too close to ignore me. He's not looking at me as he speaks.
My mouth opens, going to say good morning back but no words come out. Shayden doesn't react to my silence like I expect him too, instead he walks out of the room after a tense few minutes of silence. The sound of his footsteps falter as he walks away and the moment I stop hearing them, I release the breath I didn't realize I was holding in.
Tears brimmed in my eyes as I begged myself to not start crying now. Not here, not again. A single tear trailed down my cheek before I had the chance to stop it, I wiped it away quickly with my hoodie sleeve.
I can't believe I let him see me like that last night. What the fuck.
I fucking hate living like this. The lies, the fear of people knowing. Why did this have to happen to me? What the fuck did I do to deserve this life?
"Jaimee?" I jump at the sound of another man's voice, panicking until I realize that it was Tory. His eyes lock on my solemn state, probably judging how different I look from the last time he saw me. "Are you alright? Should I get Shay?"
A deflating feeling started in the pit of my stomach at the concern in his tone, feeling guilty at how nervous I was when I initially met him. Shaking my head slowly, I carefully slide off the counter. "I'm okay. Thank you though, Tory."
Tory eyes me quietly for a moment, holding out his hand for my now empty cup. I hand it to him and he moves towards the sink, cleaning it out. His back is towards me as he starts to speak, "Shayden's worried about you, mamita. He won't speak about it though."
"Are you Mexican?" I ask, noticing how his Spanish accent seemed too authentic for it to be put on.
His head swirls round instantly, a cheeky smile etched onto his face as he shakes his head, drying the cup with a random tea towel. "Cuban. You?"
I nod, "My Dad was Mexican, Mom was from Jamaica."
"Ooh, a biracial mamita. I like it." He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at me.
I laugh, shrugging my shoulders as he gaze softens.
"He really missed you, you know. I've known him for over three years and he's never spoken about anyone else before."
His words make me uncomfortable really quickly, so I try to change the subject. "Did you both plan to move into the same building or was it a coincidence?"
"Shay would tell you it's a coincidence but I think it was meant to be." Tory shrugs, smirking. "We have keys for each other's places so we're never not together during the semester. So, no matter what he says, I know he loves me really."
"Where'd you go to school? Cambridge? Boston?"
"Grew up in Australia- Crazy, I know. We moved to England for a few years when I turned 5 and then moved to Chicago just before my 8th birthday. I met Shayden working at that Camp in Canada and turned out we were both going to MIT." He explains, making me realize that when he said he had a Rich Mom, he must've really meant it. "How about you?"
"My brother and I were raised here. So was my Dad but my Mom moved from Jamaica with her family when she was a teenager. I've never been out of the State aside from a vacation with Shayden when we were younger."
"What did they think of Shay?"
"Wasn't too fond at first." I admit lightly, smiling as I recalled my father's extensive Spanish rant about boys and how I wasn't allowed a baby until I was at least forty. "But they warmed up to him soon after we became friends. My Dad loved him and my Mom just adored his presence. She used to get him to cook with her."
"That's cute."
"Yeah, it was." I smile easily. The weight on my shoulders suddenly didn't seem as heavy.
"You love Shayden." Tory says as if it's the simplest thing in the world, giving me a knowing look that only ever managed to look gentle. "Don't you?"
"I.." I felt the truth of his statement resonating inside me, tearing away the shadows that still clung to my heart. My eyes widened at the sensation of my anxiety burning itself away, "Yeah, I do."
A part of me wants to continue, to tell Tory that I never stopped. Not once. But the words get stuck in my throat. Shayden deserved to know, he deserved to be told that he was loved until there wasn't any air left in my lungs but admitting something like that meant vulnerability. Being vulnerable in front of Shayden meant telling him about things that I'll never be able to.
"When did you know?" Tory asked quietly and I knew he meant how did I know now, this time around after we'd been reunited. But my heart was racing and I couldn't find it within me to lie or sugarcoat it.
"When I was fourteen." My voice was shaking faintly but it felt relieving to admit it to someone. "I got hurt and was in hospital for a while. Shayden was there from the moment I woke up to the moment I left, holding my hand and telling me that I was going to be okay. He told me that he'd always look after me and we'd always have each other's back...and that's when I knew there would never be anyone else but him."
Tory's eyes were focused on me, silently taking in my words.
"I think I knew from the moment I had my first proper conversation with him though that it'd always be him." I whispered, "I think I always knew deep down that, despite my family and Libbie, something was missing. Meeting Shayden filled that gap."
"You're good for each other." Tory smiles, "Keep loving him, Jai. Don't give up on him."