j a i m e e
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TRIGGER WARNING: use of a homophobic slur
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The club walls were bouncing, the EDM music shaking the ground as Libbie and I walked into the place. She tried to say something to me but it was too loud for me to even make sense of whatever words she said. The first thing we did was go to the bar to get something to drink before hitting the dance floor. Libbie downs 5 Sambuca shots before I even had the chance to place my order. Despite my best friend's very lively presence, the bartender shoots me a weird look when I just ask for a small lemonade.
The fluorescent neon lights matched the beat of the song, and it only spurred us to dance more as we reveled in the warm and fuzzy feeling that consumed us in the club atmosphere, probably due to the small space and array of packed, sweaty bodys. By the time I noticed Libbie becoming flustered with her hair sticking to the back of her neck, I internally thank myself for taming my own in a high ponytail before the night had even commenced.
"I thought that was you!" Libbie exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms around Taylor whose lazy smile confirmed the fact that I was the only remotely sober one here.
"Glad you're here." Taylor shouted over the music as he steps next to Libbie and pulls me into a quick hug. "Come on, there's a few of us already here."
My eyes widened slightly against the bright flashing lights, not knowing who Taylor was referring to considering he was one of the most social/antisocial people I'd ever met. Even during the High School party scene, he just kept to himself if he wasn't with Cameron or Shayden, despite the fact he knew and liked everyone.
The name sends a shiver down my spine but I ignore it, linking my arm with Libbie's and following him. Shit, what if Shayden's here? I wanted to pull my arm away instantly, still keen on keeping my distance from him after the entire tension between us.
My heart pounded in my chest, and I couldn't make out whether it was from the raw ecstasy of being out for the first time in so long or because I was scared someone was going to be there who I didn't want to see. What's wrong with me? I never get nervous or quiet.
"Hey boys." Libbie's loud voice rang, raising her glass as Taylor took a seat between Shayden and Tory, the small couch occupied by the three tall men. It looked awfully claustrophobic due to their broad shoulders and the fact it could just about fit Libbie and I on in general. "Hey Shay."
"Hi Libb." He smiles, turning and introducing her to a very drunk Tory. Libbie pulls me down with her as we sit down on stools facing the couch.
She lowers her voice, leaning close to me as she whispers/shouts in my ear, "He's so much hotter now."
I stifled a giggle, internally grateful that, despite having to see Shayden, my legs were getting a break. But she was definitely right, Shayden looked so different from the scrawny 13 year old kid he was when they first met and, damn, did he look different to the smaller and quieter boy I left at 19. "You know I always lost my senses around him."
Libbie chuckles, shaking her head as our attention is directed back to the three boys. All of them were laughing loudly at what Tory said, aside from Shayden, who leaned back on the couch and twirled the liquid in his glass, the tiniest smirk engraved onto his face as he listened to Tory tease Taylor.
"I'm going to the bar!" Tory pipped up, shrugging Taylor away from him as he stood. "Anyone want anything?"
"Tequila on the rocks." Shayden spoke up, moving his hand so the small amount of liquid in his glass was obvious.
"Vodka and coke."
"Small lemonade." Tory looks at me as if I have 4 heads before shrugging his shoulders and walking off. I didn't need to look around to know Shayden was staring at me.
As the tension within me increased, the temptation to just break my sobriety rose and I just wanted to remember what it felt like to be relaxed again. The fluorescent colours flashing throughout the club lit up Shayden's dark skin, reflecting off of his dark eyes that were filled with humour at whatever Taylor was talking about. Just as I go to look back at Libbie, I catch a glimpse of the wide, cheeky grin that showed off his still slightly-chubby cheeks and my heart stilled in my chest at the sight of it- Shayden Nkosi is, and always will be, breathtaking.
But I hated it. I hated the reminder that he was just something I couldn't have. At least seeing him made me remember just why I stopped drinking in the first place.
"So, Jai." Taylor starts off, interrupting mine and Libbie's photoshoot. "How's the little rugrats getting on?"
"Most of them rugrats can do better Math than you, Ward, so don't take that tone." I sass, laughing at my own remark. "But they're good. I've been trying to teach them sign language this week as there's an awareness day coming up in a few days. It went surprisingly well."
"Where's that boy?" Libbie interrupts, "I want my vodka."
"Probably pressed up against some wall with his tongue down some guy's throat." A scoff of a laugh escapes Shayden as Taylor and Libbie's eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
It takes them a moment to recover, before Libbie's back to shouting. "As jealous of him as I am right now, no one gets between me and my vodka so he better hurry up."
"Give him half an hour. If he hasn't started a fight by then, you won't be getting anything, doll." Shayden replies casually, not realising how his words literally twisted my stomach up.
Doll? Is he for real? Why is he calling my best friend doll? My entire body feels heavy then and I try to shake off all the thoughts cascading my mind at the idea that he was flirting with her. He wouldn't do that. Would he?
I mean, they were both single as far as I know. But they've known each other for years. Surely not.
Following my pointless rambling in my mind, I hadn't noticed how Libbie had left to go find Tory. Until I heard shouting.
Shayden and Taylor jump up instantly, rushing outside as I see Libbie thrashing and fighting while some guys arms are wrapped around her waist. Tory is trying to grab her while some other guy is attacking him.
"What are you doing?" I scream, making them all halt. Libbie's let down and the brunette winds his arm around her waist, but her eyes are fixated on Tory who's now supporting a bloody nose.
The man next to her, who I assume was her chosen hook up for the night, sneers at Tory. "He's a Faggot."
Noticing the bloody knuckles of the other blonde man who obviously attacked Tory, I assume that these two men came here together.
Tory's eyes flicker at the insult, it obviously takes an emotional toll on the usually light-hearted boy.
My hand shoots out, stopping Shayden from punching him as Libbie smacks him, pushing away from his grip on her waist.
"Why does it matter if he likes boys or not? He's not going to fuck you and now neither am I."
"How can I help it if he lik-"
"Damn girl, your ass looks fat in them shorts." Blondie whistles, eyes raking over me in a way that sends shivers down my spine.
If we were anywhere else, or with anybody else, I'd probably be scared. But I'm pissed off at the fact these people attacked my friend and seemed to announce some claim over my best friend, the words tumble out of my mouth before I have the chance to filter them. "Saying my ass looks fat won't make your dick any bigger, darling."
"My dick's massive, Doll. Maybe we should go somewhere and I'll show you how to take this d-"
"By the way, Doll," I practically snarl, my top lip curling up. "It doesn't count if you shove three quarters of your fucking size into your personality."
His eyebrows flare. He takes a step forward, fists clenched. "Why you little-"
"Hey man, back off."
My heart races dangerously inside my chest as both the guys tense up, turning to grip Tory by the scruff of his neck.
"Stay out of it." He practically growls as I watch Taylor rush to Libbie, scoping her up in his arms and trying to get her away. "That bitch has it coming. Fucking tease."
"You fucking dick, let go of him and fuck off." I scream before anything rational tries to stop me. His head snaps around to face me, dropping his hold on Tory and stalking towards where I'm standing.
"The fuck did you just say?"
My eyes widen, but I don't move as I notice the alarmed look on Tory's face. The guy was pissed but he shouldn't have tried to objectify us and started a hate attack on Tory.
It wasn't smart, and I knew I couldn't roll into the school on Monday with a bruise on my face. But in that moment, whether it was the anger at him trying to fuck Libbie or the adrenaline coursing through my veins, I raised my voice again and his hand raised. "I said, dumbass, to let g-"
Gasping, I cut myself off as I watch a fist barrel into the guys jaw. In the midst of my anger and fear, I hadn't realized that Shayden was with us too. The guy is still bigger than him, but it doesn't stop him from falling down and sliding down the wall.
I inhale deeply- breathless- as I don't dare to mutter another word. Especially when my wide eyed gaze caught Shayden stood just in front of me.
The floor spins beneath me as I take in the hardened expression my ex-boyfriend wore as his glare didn't leave the man who started this entire thing, his bruised fist remaining clenched at his side. He looked so different from just half an hour ago. Where the lighthearted and cocky smile had been lay a clenched jaw and furrowed eyebrows. Through the short-sleeved polo, all the muscles in his arms were visible as he tensed.
"Don't tell me you were going to raise your hand to two girls and god knows what else." The shakiness in Shayden's tone only showed how difficult he was finding it to keep his anger at bay. "Are you fuckin' crazy?"
The man pushed himself to his feet, using the wall to help him balance himself. The scowl on his face looked like nothing in comparison to Shayden's, but the bloody nose looked nasty. His callous eyes met mine and he began to walk closer again, I took a step back.
Shayden rushed forward again, sending another left hook to the guys face as he dropped to the ground again. The time without getting up. My hand slapped to cover my mouth, trying to contain a gasp as I heard the collective intake of everyone else's breaths as Shayden loomed over the now unconscious man.
"Fucking scum." Shayden looks like he was pissed enough to do more, like kick him or something. But, using all the self restraint he has, he pulls himself away and stalks off before any of us could even stop him.
My muscles tense as sirens echo throughout the dark of the night. Grabbing Shayden and Tory, I mutter a quick 'go home' to Libbie and Taylor before dragging them to Tory's car.
"What are you doing?" Shayden asks, but doesn't fight against my grip on his wrist.
"Get in the car." I demand, opening the door as Tory practically collapses into the backseat. "What does it look like I'm doing, dumbass? I'm taking you both home."
Shayden mumbles something indecipherable but I don't pay attention, instead turning the engine on and heading towards their apartments.
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Once Tory's nose is cleaned up and I've iced his neck, I practically tuck him into bed and head down to Shayden's apartment.
"You okay?" I ask instantly as he lets me in. Another glass of tequila is waiting on his kitchen counter, as is a bottle of water that I can only assume is for me. My eyes flutter down to his bruised knuckles, "Do they hurt?"
He shrugs, "Not really."
Brushing off his words, I gather some ice and put them into a plastic bag. I usher Shay to sit down on his couch and put them on his knuckles as I wipe the stained blood off with a washcloth.
His elbows are resting on his knees, legs open as I kneel between them so I can clean and inspect the damage done to his knuckles properly.
"Thank you," I finally gather the courage to mutter out, "For defending us."
"I'll always have your back, Jai. You know that."
I nod my head, "Same with you, Shay. Always."
Something between us shifts then. Whether it be the familiarity of me soothing his injuries or the silent promises that we've just made each other, the same exact ones that we formed when we were teenagers.
"We said always and forever." He starts off after a few moments of silence. "What the fuck happened to us, Jai?"
"We were kids." I fight back the anxiety rising in my throat, pumping through my veins. It takes everything within me to stop my voice from breaking.
"Fuck being kids." Shay says lowly, looking directly at me as I do everything I can to avoid his stare. "I've kept every single promise I made to you. We were just kids? We never got a chance to be kids. I just wish-"
"You just wish?" I repeat, my lips tugging up in disbelief. "What? That we never met?"
Standing up, I move until I'm sitting as far away from him as possible. My heart pounds against my chest.
He exhales deeply, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Look at me. Soft over a girl. You made me like this, Mendoza. You made me trust you, you made me love you. And for what? For you to just up and leave? Disappear entirely? How could you leave and be fine? I.." His voice breaks, his fingers resting on the bridge of his nose. "I couldn't go out anywhere without wishing you were there. I couldn't sleep in my bed for months because I couldn't sleep there without you next to me. I can't even kiss a girl without a million things going through my mind. How she doesn't kiss like you, smell like you, feel like you. I was never like this before, I've never cared about anyone before."
My hands cover my face and I duck my head down to try and stop him from seeing me cry. A pulsing pain shoots through my head and I have to physically stop myself from falling down to the floor and breaking down entirely.
"But do I wish I'd never met you?" He asks. And my face is covered but I can still feel him staring at me, those black orbs burning into my skin. "Fuck no. You broke my heart and I still want you in my life, how fucked up is that? When we broke up, I lost my partner and my best friend. You were the only person next to me when everything in my life went to shit. The only person who stuck by my side, fought by my side, when everyone was against me. We grew together."
"Tell me what you want me to do, Shay. Tell me and I'll do it, I swear."
"I want-" He cuts himself off, noticing my red eyes and swallowing visibly. "Fuck. It doesn't matter what I want. What do you want, Jaimee?"
"I want to be happy. You make me happy, Shay. I don't want to fight myself anymore." I reply without hesitation. It's always you; it's always been you. "I know it's selfish. I know I can't come back and expect you to be with me again but...I can't do this without you."
"You have me." His voice was quieter, our gazes meeting. "You've always had me from the moment I met you. But you've always had an issue with that. Pushing me away. You want to know what I want, Jai? You want to know what I want more than anything?" I nod my head silently until he continues. "I want you to be the one who wants me first. The one who calls me at 3am just to tell me you miss me. Pushing me towards you. Kissing me first. I want you to stop being so scared of this. I love you, Mendoza. I'm in love with you. And all I want is for you to love me back because this feeling isn't going away, no matter what you do or say."
No matter what.
"We're no good for each other." I said quietly, "I'm not good enough for you."
"Fuck that." His eyes and voice were defiant, determined. "I know we're fucked up, all right? That's fine with me. I'm impulsive and volatile and you annoy me like no one else can. And you act like you hate me one minute and you love me the next. I never get anything right...And you apparently don't deserve me. But I fucking love you, Jaimee. I love you more than I've ever loved anything, ever. When you're by my side, I don't need people or parties or booze. It's just us."
"You always did say I was overdramatic." I chuckle, lips tugging up slightly. "Shay, I don't deserve to be with you after what I've done. So if you want me here, I'll be here. But if at any point you change your mind, that's fine too."
He takes a step forward, leaning down and capturing my lips with his. Our mouths mold together and I groan into the kiss as his hand squeezes my ass, using his grip to pull me up until I'm straddling his waist. Shayden places me on the kitchen counter, separating our lips and moving to my neck, sucking sweet nothings into my skin until my body is basically pulsing with need for him.
My eyes stay open, in a desperate bid for my mind to not go elsewhere.
I'm safe, I remind myself. I'm safe with Shay, he'd never hurt me.
But I also know my limits and I don't want to go all the way tonight, or ever again at this moment.
As I try to gather the urge to speak up, Shayden takes a step back and shakes his head. "We can't tonight. I haven't got any condoms." His eyes widen and he continues quickly, "Is that okay? Or do you want to? I can try to see if any stores are open an-"
"Shay," I laugh, running my hand along his collarbone. "We don't need to have sex."
The corner of his lips turn up as he hears me laugh. His warm hand finds my cheek and he runs his thumb over my cheekbone as I lean into his touch. "Fuck, Mendoza. I've missed you so much."