j a i m e e
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Shayden's been in my life forever, literally. We went through Pre-school, Elementary, Middle and High School together. He was never in my sights until I was around 13, however. At that age, his reputation preceded him, girls literally fell at his feet so they could tell everyone else that they were special, because a boy who hated the world gave them the tiniest bit of attention.
He never scared me, though. I was brazen; so unapologetically myself that I never entertained anyone other than Libbie. He was the same, only entertaining two people - Taylor Ward and Cameron Mason - and left the rest of the school begging for his attention. He was all bruised knuckles and scowls and arrogance, just like me.
We came together at 13 when a group of boys decided to jump him and every single person stood back and watched. He gave as good as he got, but I couldn't compel myself to stand still and let it happen. He was alone, so I fought beside him, until someone smart actually found a teacher to stop the entire mess.
Remi, my elder brother, was furious but it was worth it. We spent the rest of the day cleaning our injuries and talking about life in general. When we got together nearly a year later, we remarked on how far we came. Shayden and I were reckless and relentless and raw. Going from being antisocial and callous to attending parties and knowing pretty much everyone in our High School.
We were infinite; inseparable.
I've never known love like it, can never imagine loving someone else like I love him.
Until just over four years ago. We'd been together for five years at that point and it was still as passionate as ever. Our honeymoon phase was never ending. Every moment I spent with him was like falling in love all over again. And then we went to a party and I didn't go home that night.
He'd left early because he had an early morning shift the day after but I stayed because I was with our friends, I was safe.
Until I wasn't.
Waking up naked, covered in bruises with my clothes ripped up was the most horrific sight I've ever seen. The worst I've ever felt.
But I ignored all the feelings consuming my mind, all the bruises and reminders of what he did to me. The terror, anxiety, shame.
It pains me to admit I couldn't handle it so I did the one thing that I've never done before, I ran away from my problems.
I hid it. Avoiding my family, cutting off everyone other than Libbie and Taylor, and breaking up with Shayden.
I hate myself for hurting him. I hate myself for still being in love with him, even after all this time. It's selfish and unfair and he deserves better.
But I couldn't tell him. How could I have been expected to tell him how his best friend, his unbiological brother, had raped me?
Cameron Mason was now in prison, serving a sentence that seemed so incognizable in comparison to the lifetime of trauma that he'd bestowed upon me.
So many thoughts run through my mind, my nails digging into my palms until tiny crescent moon marks stain my skin. The pain calms the tsunami of emotions threatening to suffocate me.
Here I was, sitting in the Coffee Shop two minutes away from my old house, waiting for my ex-boyfriend to show up. When Taylor had phoned me last night, passing on Shayden's request to speak to me, I was left speechless. And...I hadn't been able to refuse.
It'd been such a long time since I'd spoken to anyone other than Libbie, Taylor or Remi. Maybe talking to someone who used to know all parts of me, the good and the bad, could help me untangle my jumbled thoughts. Hopefully, it'll offer Shayden some shred of closure too. So this didn't need to happen again, and we could both move forward with our lives.
A part of me wondered if Shayden would even notice the changes. They were subtle, after all I was a good actress. Learning to hide everything between fake laughs and smiles seemed easy in comparison to fighting the war constantly raging in my head. After all, no one had questioned a thing. Which didn't mean they didn't notice the changes, but they weren't concerned enough to lecture me on talking about whatever 'it' was.
That was good enough for me.
I shivered, a sudden gust of cold air ruffling my straightened hair. I had purposefully sat facing away from the door, not wanting to be caught looking up every time it opened or closed. Despite seeing him just the other day, I didn't know how I'd react to seeing him when it was just us. I didn't know if I'd feel anything remotely like I did at nineteen again. My heart's been still for such a long time, I didn't even think I was capable of feeling anything but this unkempt emptiness.
It was weird seeing Shayden, especially after I'd found my thoughts wandering back to the black-haired boy in recent weeks. What happened to him after we separated. If he was okay. It was a strange feeling, because I hadn't thought of him much after shutting myself off from the world.
Taylor had offered updates on and off, but mainly just slips during a conversation with Libbie. Eventually, I'd just tune it out, refusing to know anything about him. So they stopped bringing his name up. It wasn't like I couldn't take knowing about his life, I still cared about him more than anything, but I didn't feel entitled to know. I know I hurt him more than anything else when I left, but it was easier than ripping apart everything else he valued.
Taylor had remained friends with me, although it had been quite cold and distanced at first. After the breakup, I'd been so busy with the court case that I didn't speak to anybody properly for such a long time. So when I started answering calls, I knew I'd put Taylor in an uncomfortable position. But I'd forever be thankful that he remained neutral because losing a brother-like friendship with him would've put me in a worse position. Holding on for Libbie and Remi wouldn't have been enough to keep me goi-
"Jai?"
Shayden's voice came from behind me, slightly waving and disbelieving, as if he hadn't expected me to show up.
My heart sped up at my thought, I suddenly felt frozen. The fondness seeping into his word was like a time portal back to the past. When we were still so happy and the world hadn't broken us.
I forced myself to snap out of it, turning to face him.
The tight jeans and turtleneck that he was wearing at the diner were replaced with an oversized Greenday hoodie and ripped, black jeans. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing the new and old ink adorning his dark skin. The hand tattoos were new too, at least for me.
The small smile wasn't.
That hadn't changed.
"Hey," I muttered, my eyes travelling everywhere but to Shayden's own.
"Can I... take a seat?" Shayden said, hesitance creeping into his voice.
"Yeah." I mumbled quickly. Not even looking up. It was like I was unable to move my eyes, afraid of seeing the reaction on his face.
"I–"
"Mendoza?" Shayden spoke at the same time, making me flinch, my eyes darting up for just a second and meeting his.
The nickname made something in my stomach twist, and my throat tightened. A sudden wave of nostalgia hit.
I shouldn't have come here. I can't do this and it isn't fair on him.
"Why won't you look at me?" Shayden's voice came out softly, "Jai, you don't have to stay here if you don't want to. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."
If it was even possible, I felt worse. Guilty. It hurt, knowing that we could've been something amazing if I hadn't have let that stupid night happen. I should've fought harder, screamed louder so someone, anyone, could've heard me. Where would we be now if things would've gone differently? Would we have gotten married? Had kids?
"I'm sor-" I started, but the words got stuck in my throat.
A weight on my chest was pressing on, I inhaled deeply to try to make my racing heart go back to normal, to try and calm the anxiety rising in the pit of my stomach.
"Hi, what would you like to drink?"
My eyes snapped upwards towards the waitress. The stinging in my eyes must've been visible because she looked taken aback.
"Black coffee, hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and cream. Please, love." Shayden requested, his voice ever so kind as he rattled off my old order. And when our eyes crossed this time, I couldn't find it within myself to look away.
It was several seconds until I'd finally managed to speak up.
"You used to hate coffee."
This makes Shayden chuckle softly.
"Used to being the key word." He muttered softly, the regret leaked into his tone almost breaking my heart.
My eyes were still engraved on the coffee table. We both muttered a soft thank you when our drinks were brought over.
Every time I dared to look up, I'd see Shayden's sad eyes studying me. The moment he'd notice me looking, he'd send me a sad smile.
It felt so weird. Even at the diner, it wasn't like this.
He looked older, his cheeks having finally lost the baby fat that despite all the workouts he used to do, he could never get rid of. I could still see the boy I had been in love with once upon a time, but he felt like a stranger.
"You look good, Jai."
"I'm better now." I answered, finally lifting my head up. Do what you've always done, I tell myself, keep your head up.
"I'm glad that you are." Shay answered honestly.
I nodded, lacing my hands together.
"Are you working too as well as College?" I suddenly asked, surprising both myself and Shayden.
"I do some shifts at one of the College bars, but other than that, nah." He replied with a small voice.
A part of me wanted to ask whether he considered the Ivy League scholarships, knowing how much College would've cost him. When my parents both died, they left me and my brother tuition fees that we'd somehow managed to save up in a fund. So it was never something I had to worry about.
But it was just Shayden and his Mom, Shania. And we didn't exactly come from a Middle Class neighbourhood.
"That's great, Shayden." My lips tugged up softly.
"What's been goin' on with you, Jai?" Shayden managed to push out, hesitance crossing his face as the question left his lips.
"Same old." I shrugged, ensuring my expression was completely neutral.
"'S not really an answer." He countered back, I mentally cursed him for being so good at noticing everything. "You've changed. A lot."
"So have you." I said before I could think of anything else.
"Deflecting my questions, huh." Shayden muttered under his breath, hands rubbing his eyes. "That's not changed."
I scoffed at that. "Just drop it."
The music coming from the shop's speakers was low. That normally meant that they'd be preparing for a live performance from a smaller band. Shayden and I used to come here every Friday to watch them, at this exact time. Every week it was someone new, handing out their demos. We'd just spend hours and hours listening, talking, laughing, living. In fact, I hadn't been here since.
"Why did you even come, Mendoza?" Shayden questions lowly, "Why did you show up?"
I sighed, breaking our stare as I cast my eyes down low. I take my cup in my hands, swallowing the remaining hot chocolate slowly. I came so both of us could find closure originally. But it hadn't truly been a conscious decision.
"I don't know." I eventually whispered, my voice low. "I don't know, I-"
Silence fell upon us. The music was still low yet the sound might as well have been falling upon dead ears. There was a thick blanket of tension surrounding us, trapping up.
It was obvious that anger and hurt circled us both at different degrees. At the end of the day, it was me who reluctantly caused the breakup and left Shayden brokenhearted. I wondered if he felt the same tightness in his body as I did, one that rendered him speechless as if he too was stuck in a loop of memories of a relationship that never should've ended. Does he know I feel guilty? Does he know that me leaving him broke parts of me too?
I hated that I still wondered about these things.
I leaned forward, putting my elbows on the table and resting my face in my hands. Inhaling deeply, I try to get myself in order. I could hear Shayden breathing in front of me, a slight rustle of his clothes as he shuffled in his seat. The sound of his chair scratching the floor as he stands up.
"C'mon." He ushers me up. I follow him absently, not really focusing on anything until we're in the park across the street from the shop. The fresh air steadies my breathing in a way I didn't realize was possible. The pulsing sensation in my head starts to fade.
"Thank yo-" I go to say, cutting myself off when I notice the expression on his face. "Shayden..."
He closes the distance between us within a second, reaching forward and placing his lips on mine.
My entire mind went blank. Everything around me blurs as I kiss him back, pushing my body against his as I tangle my fingertips in his hair.
It didn't matter that we were in a park, surrounded by random people.
The kiss brimmed with hopelessness, both of us desperate to make up for all the time that we had lost. We spent years of our lives together, never having gone more than a week or two without seeing each other. Four years was simply hell on earth. So seeing each other again, after so long, was our descent into heaven. Our safe haven. Our serenity.
A sudden spike of urgency rose between us. Shayden kissed me the way every girl wants to be kissed, as if his entire soul would shatter if he lost me. That's the moment I start to realize just how much I damaged him, just how much my absence had impacted him too. I wanted to stop, tell him that I'll never leave him again, that him and I were an always and forever thing. But I couldn't find the resolve to distance myself from him in the moment and even if I could, the words would get stuck in my throat.
We pulled apart, lips bruised and swollen as we tried to catch our breaths. His eyes, if it was even possible, were darker than before, his pupils wide.
My head is shaking before I even have the chance to stop it, shutting down all the emotions raging within me. I can't do this to him again. I can't fuck with his head.
I love him too much to do that. He deserves better than someone as broken and shattered as me.
"It never feels like that." He whispers almost mindlessly, eyes flickering. His eyes search mine, moving back and forth as he studies me. "Fuck, I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, Mendo-"
"Let's forget it. It just can't happen again."