"The life where nothing was ever unexpected. Or inconvenient. Or unusual. The life without colour, pain or past."
― Lois Lowry, The Giver
Rose's POV:
Have you ever felt vulnerable?
So much so, that even the truth seems an well orchestrated lie? An illusion?
Have you ever hurt yourself intentionally before?
With lies that should not have been spoken?
Even if it hurt you, you still lied, why is that?
Was your loved one involved, or you just like bathing yourself into the sick, sweet, sadistic agony?
Tell me, did you feel depraved? An immoral, incumbent with a cluttered soul?
Humans were given the ability to deal with wounds. We could easily patch them up, stitch them and the pain would probably suffice within time.
But the wounds of souls?
How were they supposed to be dealt with?
For the past two months, the wound of my soul seemed to have become deeper, gorier. I did not know how to deal with it.
Each time my mama asked me about the man I fell in love with or each time she would show signs of excitement at the mention of my baby daddy, I felt as if a part of my soul was being clawed out from me.
She didn't know the truth, I would never tell her in my lifetime, but somehow the lie was hurting me more.
Like I was destroying what was left of my spirit slowly.
It felt bad, too bad.
To lie to a person who was both your healer and pacifier- it was lot harder.
Whenever we would have a conversation about the baby, somehow the topic still went to the man back in London. Mama would try to sneak out answers from me.
She somehow knew the topic hurt me, but she didn't know how much. Occasionally. I would go pale at the mention of his name and start having a panic attack, mama would leave it out for a week at most and then she would go back onto that.
The woman thought I was having a hard time recovering from love.
He scarred me, he broke me and I hated him for that.
I loathed him with every fiber of my body and my soul.
Then again, I never pondered over him, I didn't want my baby to suffer because of my anxiety.
Speaking of my baby.....
My hand went over my bump which was much bigger than previous month. A smile made it's way over my face, my heart leaping with joy.
I was on my fourth month.
And I have come to know the gender. It was a boy.
I could feel him growing, getting stronger each moment as he fed on the nourishments that my body provided it.
My doctor said that I had been doing better, but god knew that I wasn't.
Yes, the panic attacks and the nightmares were lessened and my anorexic tendency had been withering away with time as my pregnancy made me crave weird foods- but it wasn't because of the medicines and therapy sessions.
It was simply because I didn't have time to focus on those matters.
Every single moment, the simple thought of lying to my mother would start eating me. It was like I was being nagged by my subconscious mind every single moment.
And there was Calissa who would often stare at me with disapproval.
After that hefty lie I so exaggeratedly and boldly spoke, ignoring the pulsating and protests of my heart, Calissa pulled me over to the side and chastised me for an hour or so.
I could only give her a smile painted with sadness as an answer.
Later after that, I tried to reason with her as she gave me hundreds of logic why it was bad and all I could answer was "I can't hurt mama. She won't be able to forgive herself this time."
It was hard enough me dealing with the reality that was heavy and full of anguish. I couldn't share the load with my mama. I would never make her suffer though this painful memory of mine.
I would kill me alive knowing that I was an irresponsible daughter, so much so that I let my burden load over my mother.
Summer was already here.
The warm, humid breeze blew, drying off the sweat forming over my forehead. I was standing on the balcony, reminiscing the past month, weighting down my gain and loss.
It was probably 4 PM, I had jolted awake from a bad dream and I couldn't sleep since then.
The sound of mama's soft snores made me smile. She was tired from all the chores probably and was taking a noon nap.
Calissa was out for the day and haven't been back since.
When my mama came to know about Calissa and our current situation in details, she offered Calissa a job, which didn't take me by surprise by the way. They bonded over food immediately and both of them claimed that no love is bigger than the love for food.
She wanted to take me away to London, along with Calissa, but backed up when both of us protested heavily.
I admit that this place wasn't the greatest to live in, but we had grown really attached to it and it's simple lifestyle.
And there was also the fear of that psychopath catching up to us.
Mama had successfully opened our new branch and it was flourishing. Although we didn't want to go back, somehow she managed to convince us to move to London when I will be at my seventh month.
This place was far shabbier than London, poverty stricken, but there were some catches to this place.
I liked the simple things about here.
Like how one could see the stars clearly due to the lack of light pollution, or how you could hear the birds chirping when it was morning....
Or how calming this place was.
"You should be asleep at the moment shouldn't you? Did you have a bad dream?" Calissa's voice jolted me awake from my reverie. I didn't notice her coming in.
I shook my head, looking at her. She seemed more composed than other days.
"And you think I will believe that?" She sighed taking a seat on the bamboo chair beside me. I closed my eyes, not really paying attention to her.
"How's the little one doing?"
I sighed and proceeded to take her hand and place it over my baby bump.
She snatched her hand from mine much to my shock. She too, looked taken aback.
"What was that?" I questioned.
"Uh-" She chuckled nervously, "I am not exactly clean you know- I have come from work and stuff...."
I frowned and eyed her disapprovingly, "Cally, you do not have to be 'clean' to touch the baby bump. Where did you get the idea from?"
She chuckled nervously as she scratched her head, "Um-"
I sighed and put a hand on her shoulder. She literally flinched.
"Cally, just because you are a sex worker, it doesn't make you impure..... You came into this heinous trade because you were tricked. You needed money to eat and it could be arranged only by.... selling your body..."
She looked away, a sad look shadowing her features.
"You went for a week without eating and then you went up to the perverted guy next door and sold your virginity for two weeks food. It doesn't make you bad. You were broke, sad and all you could do was survive. You are a fighter, surviving all those men who violates your body for money every single day....."
"Rosel-"
"No let me speak," She had my full attention now. For some reason I was getting hyped up by her discomfort, my anger rushing in my veins.
Maybe it was the hormones, maybe it was the pent up anger, but nonetheless, I was ready to burst.
"Listen- remember when you told me about your failed attempts at suicide? Do you know what would happen if you did so? You would have lost! You don't want to lose, do you? Cally- sometimes life plays cruel jokes on us- it is up to us whether we give into it or not. You are a unique and strong woman to have survived all those shits! You are a respected woman who was forced by situation-"
"I am a whore, Rosel. The situation would not change, neither the truth. It is what it is."
I sighed with exasperation and annoyance. "Cally- being forced into prostitution doesn't make you a whore. And what if you were a whore? Would it really matter if you had more sex drive than others? It really wouldn't. These terms, they don't define us. What defines us is our moral characteristics. There are far better things to concentrate on rather than defining a woman's moral value. Like solving corruption."
Her laugh cut off my statement. I narrowed my eyes at her, crossing my arms. For a moment, she looked so beautiful, laughing carelessly as the vermillion ray of sun fell over her blonde locks. Her face showed no hint of anxiety and encumbrance which was there a moment ago. Her olive skin reflected the rays, making her look like some sort of mythical goddess.
She opened her eyes, her blue eyes turned into a shade of viridescent under the sunlight. Somehow, she looked more carefree, more youthful, like her burdens were just lifted.
"If you were running for election, I would have voted for you. Maybe that would ensure women right and corruptionless country. Make great Britain great again!"
I burst into a fit of maniacal laughter, her own howling interweaving with my own. We would probably have continued this for a while if not for the sudden cough interrupting us, catching us off guard.
"What are my girls doing here?" A groggy voice complained.
"Laughing?"
"Trying to wake you up?"
Both of us answered at the same time. And then we looked at each other.
My eyes met hers which was shinning with mischief. And then we burst into a second round of laughter.
"Ugh- my nap-" Mama grumbled, rubbing her eyes, "Why are you laughing like stupids? Did you visit the dentist Calissa?"
We were howling now, Calissa's skin was turning red. It was such a simple statement, but somehow mama's narrative style along with her whiny, accented voice made it even better for us.
I think my baby's gonna come out if I kept this up.
My laughter subsided immediately when the thought hit me like a train wreck. Although, the residuum still remained on my face.
Calissa stopped after a moment, her smile as bright as the noon.
"See I made you smile," I stated, turning to Calissa. I grabbed her hand harshly and put it on my baby bump, "And he would never complain having his godmother's hand over him."
Her eyes softened, which was soon replaced by a look of awe. I felt a fluttering feeling inside me.
A look of enthrall engulfed me as we stared at each other in disbelief.
The baby is moving!
"He is moving!" Calissa whispered, still not being able to grasp the fact that the baby's first move was under her palm.
I let out a chuckle of joy and turned to mom. "Mama! He is moving!"
"O Dios mío! Hija!" She rushed to me and kneeled in front of me, placing a hand over my baby bump, just beside Calissa's ho hadn't uttered a word. Mama's eyes widened as she stifled a gasp.
"He is moving! Mi nieto is moving!"
I smiled at her, my eyes welling up with tears of joy.
"This is-" Calissa, who hadn't spoke a word for long moment, spoke up, "It's wondrous!"
I witnessed as a singular drop of tear slipped her eyes, the drop shining under the blooming sunlight, making her look no less than an angel.
"I know right?!" My excitement was hardly camouflaged, unadulterated happiness dripping from my voice.
"Yes and-"
"Calissa?! Are you home?!" Three of us turned to the main door on the other side, only to find Monica, our neighbour standing in the doorway.
"Yes?!" Calissa replied, "What is it?!"
"Uh- someone's asking for you guys!"
"Who could it be?" I questioned at particularly no one. Both of them frowned , shaking their head in a manner which I depicted as 'I don't know maybe one of us forgot to pay a bill?' kind of statement.
I sighed standing up, both of them still perched in front of me. "Was the person holding a cash memo? Like a clipboard and-"
"No no," She spoke up, shaking her head vigorously, "Uh- he asked me if I knew a Roseline and when I said yes, he asked me to call you. Why don't you go meet him out?"
I narrowed my eyes at the two women who began gossiping about this Turkish chef called cznburak who apparently makes food look like some 'celestial' and 'heavenly' thing while they sat on the floor.
Their words not mine.
I rolled my eyes, motioning her forward. Grabbing my wallet from the holder, I let myself out of the door, running my hand over the pale pink nightgown I was wearing, with a hope to uncrease it.
I ran my fingers through my loosened hair. Somehow, I felt it had become darker than before.
Maybe it was trying to keep up with the increasing darkness of my spirit that was tainted by a lie?
"A grave lie..." My subconscious corrected me.
I was descending down the stairs. The baby stopped kicking a while ago, but the fluttering feeling didn't go away.
Maybe it is trying to swing with it's umbilical cord?
I chuckled softly, touching my baby bump.
HUH?!
And there was the strong fluttering feeling again, indicating the baby had indeed kicked again.
"Aren't you responsive to mommy today?" I muttered while descending down, all while caressing my bump.
"Are you feeling playful? Hmm? Maybe I will feed you your favorite chocolate pancake?"
There was another kick in response.
I laughed softly, stopping at the end of the stairs. My eyes watering up with tears as I stroked my belly.
A sigh escaped me as I shook my head.
The intruder!
I looked around and then my eyes landed on him.
It felt like my entire world had froze.
Like someone had ripped out the nightmare from my heart and placed it in front of me like a cruel joke.
Like my blood had turned into water.
Like my skin was peeled, inch by inch.
Excoriating.
Numbing.
Torturous.
My body went limp in an instant, but I knew my soul was howling in agony.
I should run, but it was like I was glued to the ground.
My breathe began to come out in pants as I stared at him.
His gaze was swirling with emotions. Like he had touched the sky, stole a storm and placed it in his eyes.
And that storm was pulling me in.
He was quivering, I was too probably.
Even I didn't know what I was doing.
I began to feel lightheaded as my eyes drank the man in.
He didn't seem dangerous, but I knew what he was capable of.
I knew...
My vision was slowly darkening.
There stood the man who invaded my darkest nightmares and unabashed daydreams, looking every bit of harmful I knew he was.
My knees gave up and I lost my balance, falling over my knees on the ground, but still not haltering my gaze from him.
Maybe he was shocked or maybe he was pitiful- who knew. My life was slowly draining away as I looked up at him helplessly.
Why does it feel like that time has stopped?
"I didn't kill Madeline.." A vulnerable plea escaped me before my body gave in and I succumbed to the never ending darkness.
Three guesses who?
I bet you didn't see it coming...
I will let you have a moment to process all these.
Lemme know if you like it! Please vote comment share and follow! Support me on booknet ples. It would mean a lot to me.
Thank you for reading! Love y'all!!