Tina walked into Dr. Crons office for her regular session. Tina had been seeing Dr. Cron twice a week per Dr. Cron's recommendation as neither were sure how Tina would respond once she started talking about her dysfunctional family history. They had been talking about a lot of things that had happened over the course of Tina's life in the previous sessions, but today Tina needed to talk about Bette. Helena gave her some very concerning information about Bette's current health. Tina was worried but she wasn't quite sure how to approach the situation. Helena offered to send the company plane to Los Angeles to come get Tina. Helena had said she was worried and Tina should come. It appeared that Bette was having some significant problems as she transitioned into Menopause. Bette had passed out at work and she was taken to the Emergency at the hospital. Bette had to have a transfusion of two units because of her low volume levels. Helena said that Bette made her promise not to call anyone especially Tina. She also said that it was looking like Bette was going to need surgery to address the concern, but they were waiting the results from the tests. Helena, in an attempt to reassure Tina, told her that Peggy had gotten Bette the best gynecologist when Bette first brought up concerns. Tina's first instinct was to get to New York, but her rational brain said slow down and wait to see what comes up with the tests. Tina did not want to upset Bette anymore with her presence. She told Helena to send the plane so it would be ready if she needs to get to New York. Tina's phone rang just as Dr. Cron walked up to get her. She noticed it was a call from Helena and she let it go to her voice mail.
"Good afternoon, Tina, how are you," Dr. Cron said with a smile.
"Well, I have been better," Tina said as she sat down across from the doctor.
"What's going on?"
"It always amazes me that when problems happen, they happen like an avalanche," Tina began. "Angie got sent home from camp because she was ditching with her girlfriend. We did not know that Jordi was at the camp. And..." Tina sighed, "Bette's sick. I'm not sure how bad yet, but she has told our friend, who is in New York with her, not to call me. Helena Peabody, who is the friend, says I should come," Tina's eyes begin to well up. "Oh my God, how did we get here. If I lose her," Tina grabs a tissue. "I don't know what I would do. And, if I go..." Tina sighs, "I have hurt her so much, I don't even know if I have the right to be by her side."
"It seems like you are in a pretty tough position. Kinda like 'dammed if I do and dammed if I don't'. What do you want to do? And what feels right?" Dr. Cron asked.
"I know we love each other, that has never been the issue. I think there just has been so much..." Tina gestured with her hands. "Me leaving, touched on so many issue with Bette. Her mother leaving her, is probably the biggest one. Bette has such enormous fears of abandonment. Angie told me that losing Kit rocked Bette's world and then add what I did." Tina shook her head. "She had told me so many times over the years, that I was the only one who got through her defenses. She had been described to me as someone who could impeccably manage her emotions and was affected by very little. This of course was not true, I am not even sure how but I broke through all those barriers that were so well hidden and surrounded her heart after her mother left. She trusted me with her heart, and then I leave her almost exactly the way her mother did, with no clear explanation. How is she ever going to trust me again?"
"At some point you are going to have to stop beating yourself up about what happened between the two of you. A marriage is about two people. You have to own your part in it of course, but not everything. We have talked about how marriage is a journey that both people take together. We'll get back to that, but as far as your ex wife's illness, maybe looking at the health crisis situation by itself may be the best way to approach any decision making around this issue right now. This is an extra ordinary situation, make your decision separate from the emotional issues within your relationship, try that point of view."
Tina nodded her head and sat in thought for a few minutes. "I was over at Bette's home recently. It's hard to believe I actually helped pick out that home." Tina shook her head. "Anyways, I found some boxes that Bette had been using to sort through things." Tina paused, "She was packing me up." Tina chuckled.
"What did you expect from her? You told her you were getting remarried. Her doing that is healthy, she is trying to move on."
"I'm not sure. I guess... I always thought I would be a part of her life even while married to Carrie. With Angie, well, I never really thought of Bette as gone. I'm not really sure what I thought, being put away was definitely not what I saw happening. But when I saw what she was doing, I really can't explain what I felt," Tina paused and took a sip of her water. "I took a couple things from the boxes, there was this picture. Bette was very talented with a camera, something she got away from years ago... hmm, not really sure why." The look in Tina's eyes shifted ever so slightly, but Dr. Cron caught it and wrote something on her pad. "Anyways, while I was looking through the stuff, I realized I left without taking anything from the time we were together. Things were not always bad..."
"They never are. You two were together a long time, growing apart from each other is something that happens over time. It can be the result of the most simple and smallest decisions you make everyday added to a multitude of responsibilities and obligations that take your focus off the little things. In the end there becomes an emotional disconnect from each other."
"I just don't understand how I could have walked away the way I did," Tina's wiped her eyes. "There were problems, yes, the emotional disconnect was enormous." Tina paused, "I don't know, I was just mean and have been towards Bette for awhile. Somewhere along the line, I just started being mad at her and all of her distinctive behaviors that made up her larger than life personality became to much for me. But the worst part was," Tina paused, "Those behaviors are the same ones that drew me to her in the first place. When I first met Bette, my first impressions of her were, wow, she's a tour de force, very intense, passionate, driven and true to her convictions. She was charismatic and sexy as hell. My attraction to her was instantaneous and I didn't even think of myself as a Lesbian at the time." Tina chuckled.
"What was it about those characteristics that you just mentioned bothered you?"
"I don't know, when I think about it, I always come back to just losing my autonomy, my sense of self in my efforts to be responsive and supportive to her needs. Don't get me wrong, she never made demands on me in that way. It's just, well, she didn't mean it, but she took up so much space in our relationship. Bette always knew what she wanted and I guess I didn't and it was hard to figure it out when she was around." Tina looked down falling deep in thought. "I just don't know. This is so hard to sort out without getting emotional." Tina sat for quite a long period in thought about these issues and finally just sighed while she grabbed eye contact with Dr. Cron.
"Why don't we change the subject. This is a very complicated and emotional issue for you. There is a lot going on right now. Why don't we let this breath a bit and we will come back to it." Dr. Cron suggested.
Tina nodded in agreement and took another sip from her water bottle.
"Earlier you mentioned Angie. How are you feeling about your relationship with her?"
"I think it's improving. I really missed her and the closeness. There is just something about the bond with your child. I was fearful that I may have damaged it. We still need work, but we are definitely moving in the right direction. Angie may be my child by birth, but she is so like Bette that it is scary sometimes." Tina smiled, "There is definitely something to be said about how a parent can leave an imprint on their child." Tina pauses as she reflected, "Anyways, I was hoping that I wasn't going to have to do any real parenting for awhile, but she's a teenager. You never know what is going to happen with them."
"How did she take the discipline."
"Pretty well, she had the whole plane trip to think about it. Angie is a good kid. She has a good head on her shoulders. She's just experiencing her first love, well, you know how that can impact decision making. Then you add all of the stuff with her moms, I think she is overall doing pretty good. We decided to get her a therapist." Tina smiled, "One good thing came out of what happened in San Francisco, Bette and I actually talked. We stuck to the subject of Angie, but we fell into familiar roles and I think it was comforting, at least for me."
"What roles?"
"Bette has always dealt with things that are emotional with control. It is her comfort zone but it can be difficult for those around her because she looses site of other people's needs. She has gotten so much better at managing herself and is less overbearing when things get emotional. I didn't give her much credit for getting that under control. Anyways, I was always the one who could calm her down, reassured her that things would work out okay. That's what I am talking about. Tina paused, "I was surprised how easily we fell into those roles. It gave me hope," Tina smiled.
Dr. Cron, nodded her head and wrote somethings down, then looked up. Are you looking to go back to the same roles as before?"
"That's not what I meant. How we were communicating with each other, reading between the emotions and knowing how to deal with it." Tina paused and thought for a minute, "I get what you are saying. I easily fell back in to the patient caretaker role."
"It's something to think about. Is that what you want? There must have been something about your roles in your relationship that lead you down a path that got you lost in Bette's life, otherwise it would not keep coming up."
Tina sat deep in thought. Dr. Cron had touched on something that she pushed aside in her efforts to reclaim her family. When she got her family back, what will it look like.
"How are you sleeping?" Dr. Cron asked.
"Not so good. There really hasn't been any improvement. If anything, it might have gotten worst then it was when I was in Toronto."
"Nightmares?"
"No, but difficulties settling my mind to rest. If I do manage to get to sleep, I wake up around 3a. I can't get back to sleep unless I take something. Really nothing new. It has been like this for last couple years. The only thing different is it is harder to get to sleep initially and I take something. I can't function without sleep."
"What are you taking?"
"Half of a Benadryl. I had heard people used it, gave it a try and it worked," Tina shrugged her shoulders.
"Is there any anxiety with the sleeplessness?"
"Sometimes... its rather odd. I will have a great day, no real problems, but when I lay in bed my chest tightens up. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. It's deafening."
"Have you thought about taking a prescribed medication to help you with this?"
"I've taken Xanax in the past to help with anxiety, but I really didn't want to take that anymore. I was starting to rely on it too much. It started to scare me a bit."
"I can appreciate that concern, but there are other medications that can help with the anxiety. It might help you settle down easier at night. Why don't you check with your primary doctor and see what they say? Meanwhile, we can talk about breathing and relaxation exercises and establishing sleeping routines."
"Well at this point, I am willing to try anything. It is getting harder and harder to sleep and then in the morning I am just off."
Dr. Cron wrote again on her note pad. "Have you thought about what I said last week?"
"You mean, the Prolonged Exposure therapy. I don't know. I feel like I remember enough, although fragmented, it pretty much tells the story of what happened throughout my childhood. My mother was what she was and well what happened with my sister... I have thought about it and I'm not sure if it really impacted me as much as my relationship with my mother."
"Well, I will let you think about it some more, there is still lots of work to be done. But right now, I think you need to deal with this unexpected crisis in your family."
Tina nodded her head in agreement.
"I am gonna take you off my calendar for a couple weeks, but if you need to talk, call me."
Tina walked out of Dr. Cron's office with her decision made, she was going to New York. Helena left a voicemail letting her know that the plane was in Europe but would be in Los Angeles on Thursday. There was no way Tina was going to let Bette face this situation alone. Helena said in her message that Bette's gynecologist set her up with a surgeon and the appointment was on Friday. Helena said at the end of her message that the surgeon was an oncologist and that she would let Bette explain. When Tina heard the last part of the message, her eyes welled up. She sat in her car as the fear for her ex-wife engulfed her.
**********
Trying to explain to Angie why she was flying to New York without scaring her was very difficult for Tina. She told her just enough to let her know what was going on, but not the severity of the situation. Tina asked her not to call Bette. Tina said she would call with Bette when she gets there. Angie wasn't happy about this, but agreed. Shane had agreed to care for Angie while Tina and Bette dealt with this situation. Shane didn't say much but Tina could see the concern written all over her face. Both women could not believe that Bette would keep this situation to herself, but they both had agreed that they had noticed that she had been saying that she was tired.
Helena met Tina at the airport which surprised her and concerned her at the same time.
"I'm so glad you decided to come." Helena said giving her a hug. I wanted to talk to you before you got to my mother's apartment."
"What's going on?" Tina inquired with concern in her voice.
"She has not said a word about her situation since the doctor called with the name of the oncologist and the date of the appointment. She made one call to a woman by the name of Dani Nunez. Do you know this person?"
"Yes, she did the PR for Bette's campaign."
"That's kinda odd."
"It really doesn't matter right now. Does she know I'm coming?"
"No, but I told my mother and she said "It was about time you got your head out of your ass." Helena simulated a laugh. "Tina," Helena said in a serious tone, "She gave my mom her power of attorney and clear instructions if something went wrong." Helena hesitated, "Bette had mentioned the need to find someone. I thought she might call you or maybe her nephew David. She surprised both my mom and I. I think I know why she did it. If a hard decision has to be made, my mom will do it." Helena looked at Tina, "She also had our lawyer write up a Will for her. Tina, she made a trust for Angie. She made you trustee and also left you all the art. I don't know what she is thinking."
Tina stared at Helena not knowing what to say other than, "Okay." She knew Bette alway plans for the worst, adjusting her Will was not surprising. Tina took a deep breath and looked out the window watching the familiar landscape go by.
As they drove through the city, they passed City Hall, which flooded Tina with memories of the day Bette and Tina were married. After Jenny's death, a wedding just didn't seem appropriate. But, they wanted to make it official, the culmination of their 13 year journey thus far. Everything seemed to be falling into place and they were communicating on a level that they had never done before. So, they had decided to just go to City Hall to get married, thinking they would have the big fancy wedding on one of their milestone anniversaries. Tina had insisted on getting married on the day they met. Bette had laughed about it, but said in the end it didn't matter. Bette wanted to show the world how much she was committed and loved Tina by making it legal. There was nothing spectacular about it, Kit, Shane and Alice flew in for the week to be present for the ceremony. It was that night, the wedding night that was amazing. Helena and Peggy Peabody gave the women a two night stay at the Gramercy Park Hotel. It was one of Bette's favorites because of the iconic works from Andy Warhol, Damien Hirst and Richard Prince that hung on the walls. The Suite was amazing with a King size bed, view of the park and a tub that was to die for. Tina smiled thinking they had to have touched every inch in the room while making love over those two days. But what she remembered most fondly was the tub. Tina would mold her back into Bette and Bette would wrap her strong arms around her. Bette would gently run her fingers along her arm, kissing her neck as they talked about their future plans. That first night in bed was special for the two. It was their first night as Mrs. and Mrs. Porter-Kennard, they laughed saying it over and over. The Peabodys made sure the best Champagne was chilled and Bette and Tina toasted everything about their love for each other. Bette was so attentive that night, kissing every inch of Tina's body. Tina recalled Bette looking at her with so much desire and love. She said she wanted to make sure every inch of Tina's body knew how much she loved her. After she made sure every inch of Tina had been attended to and Tina was begging Bette to touch her in just the right way, Bette slowly began long sensual strokes between the folds of her center, bringing her slowly to climax for the first time that night. Bette followed with inserting her long fingers sliding them through Tina's juices hard and fast again bringing Tina to climax again giving Tina barely time to breath. That memory was so vivid that Tina squeezed her thighs together trying to calm her center. That weekend, but that night specifically was forever etched in Tina's memory. Even when things got difficult, that memory was a place to go to that was pure happiness for both women brought on by nothing more than the depth of love they had for each other.
That weekend was also when Bette had mention that she would like to carry their next child. It had never occurred to Tina that Bette would want to bare a child, but it was a delightful thought to her at the time. It wasn't clear if it was safe for Tina to carry another child. Angie's birth was difficult and the doctor said carrying another child could be dangerous. When the news came back that Bette couldn't carry a child, the disappointment was huge for both of them. It was a subject that was never really discussed again. The disappointment that occurred while attempting to adopt while in Los Angeles was still fresh in both their minds and eventually the issue of having another child was lost.
Helena brought Tina out of her thoughts, "We're here. Also, I forgot to tell you, I have to go back to London. Dylan needs me and now that you are here, well, I need to attend to my family."
"That's fine, I am not going anywhere, even if Bette insists." Tina paused, "I'm a little concerned about her reaction, but knowing Bette, at least the old Bette, down deep she will be relieved that I'm here."
"I'm sure she will be glad you are here. I know things are complicated, but right now... well you know."
"Thanks again Helena for telling me the truth. Sometimes Bette can be so stubborn, and yes things are complicated. But I'm sure we can work things out, at least for the time being."
The women walked into the apartment. Helena pointed to Bette's room and had Tina's luggage placed in the room next to it.
Tina took a deep breath and walked over to Bette's room and knocked softly. She heard a soft come in and proceeded to open the door slowly. Bette was curled up on the far side of the bed, looking fragile.
"Bette," was all that Tina could say. Bette sat up and slowly turned and looked at Tina with surprise and confusion in her eyes. "What?" was all she said. Tina looked at Bette and for the first time noticed the grey coming through Bette's beautiful black curls. Tina walked over to Bette's side of the bed, sat and took Bette into her arms. To Tina's surprise, Bette didn't resist. Tina could feel the wetness from Bette's tears on her neck as Tina sat and held her ex-wife, thinking she made another good decision for her family.
Helena watched quietly as the two ex-lovers sat holding each other putting the first layer of salve to their troubled relationship. Helena smiled to herself as she slowly closed the door.