I kept having that dream where I was standing in the middle of the huge room and a lot of people were surrounding me celebrating something. I could see a golden chandelier hanging above me, scaring me with the wealthy heaviness it had. The atmosphere was loud and idle where nobody was concerned about anything. Everybody was drinking champagne and having emotional conversations saturated with poetical drama which they would never remember again.
I had a feeling that I wanted to be one of those people even though it was very clear that I was just a stranger. I was wandering between the tables with drinks and flowers looking for something ephemeral which felt like my lost self. Every time the ending was the same: I would find some lonely room, open the door but see nothing because the dream was starting to fade away.
That night wasn't an exclusion to the rule. I appeared in a huge hall with lots of people which for who knew what time already felt like a habit. I even drank a glass of champagne to feel more confident before looking for the enigmatic room. It didn't help but blurred people's faces.
As I made the first step at the marble stairs which usually led to the room, I got a strange feeling that for the first time since I'd been in that dream everybody was paying attention to my posture. As I was going up further, I looked at my hands and found one of them gracefully brushing the railing. Every movement suddenly seemed confident, easy and naturally lazy. Everything around was melting in a pleasant feeling of admiration while the way to the room was becoming eternally long with my slinky gait. When the door of the room was close enough, in a matter of habit I quietly waved my lashes and spotted the door opening for me:
'So, Ms "Bare legs on the cold winter night", will you dance with me?' and I heard the familiar silky chuckle filling the air.
I woke up late feeling a bit lost because of the dream. My body felt heavy after the events of the last night and I was very tired. I spent almost all night talking to the taxi driver and listening to the radio, smoking God knows how many cigarettes. All of it was weird and natural simultaneously as If I should and shouldn't have done that. The first thought on my mind was about Alex, though.
I was laying in my sheets with a desire to slowly sink in them. The kind of drowning that was especially pleasant after a long night and emotional events of the day before. As I closed my eyes, my mind started to replay some scenes in a fast-forward cinematographic rewind, not leaving a chance to enjoy the recent memories, and I gave that up, understanding that my head was heavy with tiredness.
Trying to get some more sleep, however, I heard my phone ringing on the bedside drawer. The first moment I decided to ignore it but as it was ringing endlessly, I had no choice but to make an effort and pick up the phone. For some reason, I knew it wasn't Alex.
'Hello, Lili? Are you there?' I heard Tina's concerned voice on the line speaking to me and felt a small smile making its way to my lips, leaving my eyes closed.
'Yes, good morning, Tina' I answered softly, appreciating her worry.
'How are you? How did everything go yesterday?' she asked, exhaling in relief, and I felt a bit guilty for not calling her yesterday. That's how it goes when you are so deep in your own drama.
'Um...' I mumbled not even sure what to say in response. As much as great it all ended the day before, I had no idea where I and Alex were in our relationship. And was there a relationship? Maybe, I just made it to the list of one of his girls like the one I'd met a day before? That was the first time that day that the thought of uncertainty crossed my mind. 'There is kind of a lot to tell about last night but everything ended pretty well even though I'm not sure what turn it will take later. I appreciate you worrying about me but everything is fine' I told her truthfully. Just how I felt. There was no need to make up something.
'Then I can't wait to see you and talk about it' Tina said, her voice lightening up my own mood. I didn't even realise that she was the only close friend of mine despite my attempts to be distant with her. In a tough moment, she was there for me, and that was something that shouldn't have been forgotten.
'Sure. But what about your date with Jules?' I decided to change the subjecting, adding a playful note to my tone. I was kind of curious about how two of them got along. From my perspective, they could be well together.
'He was very sweet' she answered with a hint of hesitation in her voice which made me frown. Something was off. I even opened my eyes after Tina's response as if it could help me understanding everything.
'What's wrong, dear?'
'I don't really wanna talk about it now. Let's wait until we see each other, okay?' she said, sounding upset, and I knew that it was just an excuse. Damn, where did it all come from?
'Okay, if you want so' I decided not to pressure her no matter how bad I wanted to know what happened and help. Now it was my turn to be a good friend. 'Then call me whenever you are ready. Perhaps, tomorrow or the day after it?'
'Yes, thank you' Tina answered, relaxing. 'Talk to you soon'.
'Of course' I responded and heard her hanging up. A heavy feeling formed in my chest. For the 2 years that I'd worked in the floral shop with Tina, I'd never seen her sad. Maybe, I wasn't very attentive or she just hid it well but she was the one to always cheer me up so that moment I felt lost, not knowing what to think.
Just when I was about to sink not only in my comfortable sheets but thoughts as well, my screen flashed with a notification of a message. Opening it up, I saw the name above it, and my heart sped up like it usually did with everything that was connected to that name. Just four simple letters forming such a magical ensemble in the word "Alex". I wasn't even trying to resist anymore, I just knew there was no way to escape that reaction to him.
"Morning, love. Will I get a chance to see you tonight? The only acceptable answer is "yes" so the address is below. This place and any kind of dress you have. I'm gonna wait for you all night".
That was all that Alex wrote in his message that in an enigmatic manner of his didn't require any answer. I was staring at the black letters on the white screen and couldn't believe the fact that it was real. A pleasant feeling of anticipation enveloped me, fogging my mind with every word Alex used, expecting everything to be a trick but receiving a prove that it wasn't instead. And how much does a person need to feel happy like I did that moment? Merely, the same kind of feeling in response. Then why is it usually so hard to get?
I fell asleep again overwhelmed with the new unexplored state of mine when everything felt so exciting and right that it was making it hard to believe. Those things typically happen with the main characters when they least expect it and that is what so fascinating about them. I had to try being calm, I thought. That night would be a perfect scenario for us to follow, and I was ready to feel that with all my senses.
When the night touched the streets with its inky fingers and accidentally coloured the city in a dark, I left my apartment wrapping myself in a long spring coat, letting the ends of it flying in the air every time I was making a step and giving me a chance to feel like a fearless renegade. I would drive an old Mustang in that kind of state, travelling through the lines of the empty night city even though I never learned how to do that. It's just some days feel like well-shot movies and if you happened to be a character, then you can make a whole world turn upside down and even walk with your hands in the pockets of your coat, not being afraid to get cold when a March freezing wind blows in your face. And so I was a character in the middle of the night of March city.
The place with the address Alex had sent wasn't that far so I decided not to grab a taxi and walk all the way there. An unfamiliar smile was lingering on my lips of a peachy colour and I knew that I wanted to see him. Mr Turner in all his glory.
I stopped right where the message told me, finding a small dinner place lit up with a dark yellow, kind of dim light and looking right through the window, immediately saw the figure I so desired to see.
Alex was sitting at the small white square table near the window, playing with the napkin holder in the middle of it. His dark sparkling eyes were focused on his fingers that were trying to make whatever thing he thought of with those paper napkins that were placed right next to the salt and pepper.
Alex's details were just like any other day I'd had a chance to see him. That mysteriously vintage kind of accent on his modern-day clothes thanks to the black denim shirt and slightly rolled sleeves with his anthracite haircut. On the back of the chair, I could spot a leather jacket, and that felt so habitually as if I'd seen that millions of times before, creating an illusion of home or at least, something painfully familiar.
The dark yellow light was creating a reflection of the posture of his, imitating all the movements and all of a sudden I saw nervousness in that mindless game of his fingers. They weren't trembling but definitely impatient, unsure in its touches, irritated with the irrelevance of the napkins on the table. And I was mesmerized by the sight. Because how in the whole world could he sit there, in the middle of the city and nowhere at the same time, and wait, being worried about me to actually come?
I felt my heart beating at least 3 times faster of its usual pace and leaned at the brick wall of the building, losing sight of him and making sure I wasn't spotted. I'd waited for so long to be able to feel all of it that in the end found it almost unbearable for me to handle.
Mr Turner, I was in love with you in that exact moment of knowing that in a second I would open the door and dispel all your hesitations because I had the power to do so. I was powerful, imagine? People, in general, are powerful creatures because they can make others happy with a decision to open the door, and an ability to fly or live for eternity seem not that significant compared to it. And so I calmed my breath, thinking how pleasant it is sometimes to make a pause just before something nice happens and took a look at Alex once more. Only that time, I made my way right to the door, hiding that foolish peachy smile somewhere in my features.
'When they say they are going to wait all night, the promise usually lasts five minutes' I pronounced in a soft voice as a greeting, right on the threshold of the dinner cafe, causing Alex to turn his head in my direction. The place was empty except two of us, and I wondered if that was intentional.
'You caught me, I was just about to go' Alex answered, getting up from his spot, and a teasing smirk made itself prominent on his lips. The tone of his voice soft and melodic, giving me a tender feeling somewhere deep inside in my chest.
'It's unfortunate...' I started talking but in a moment was interrupted by a sudden kiss on my lips, his hand on my waist and another one somewhere in my hair.
I wish I could describe properly how I felt, not being able to hold a smile through the kiss but Alex wouldn't let me. I let myself lose all the thoughts in that moment when we were just standing and kissing in the empty cafe. The only thing I knew for sure was that his movements were passionate but gentle, proving me that he was eager to see me. And isn't it the craziest thing to be aware of?
'Where is everybody? I thought places like this would have someone here in the midnight' I pronounced, pulling a bit away from him and trying to steady my breath. The penetrating glance with inky pupils, though, and a welcoming heat of Alex's body was making it hard to do so.
'We are alone here tonight. The friend of mine owns this place so it wasn't really hard to do' he answered in a half-whispered tone, not taking his eyes off me, making his grip on me tighter. Oh no, that couldn't true. Just couldn't. 'Though I have to admit, I did have to kick out some lonely hungry strangers as I was waiting for you to come' Alex added, chuckling and cocking his head to look at me from another angle. I noticed it was becoming a habit of his to do so.
'So, you are trying to be romantic, Mr Tuner? Is it something you do with girls every time?' I teased, drawing a line of his jaw with my fingers. In the yellowish dim light of the dinner cafe, every move was slowed-down, just right to catch the moment, remember it for at least a few thousands of years. It didn't seem much that night, did it?
'I'm not doing it every time' he frowned, almost offended. I could feel he didn't want me to bring the topic of our previous conversations up, and I thought that I could postpone it. Just for a bit. 'I just wanted to see you. And this is all for the entourage. Who cares if that's shamelessly romantic?'
'I have nothing against it. I just couldn't lose a chance to mock you a bit' I licked my lips with a reassuring smile just like when you tell a kid that monster under the bed doesn't exist and there is nothing to worry about.
'That's very blithely of you because you risk your chance to taste a dinner that my friend prepared for two of us' Alex gave me a well-made severe look.
'I had no intention to do so' I chuckled, letting my eyes to observe his delusive beautiful irises a little longer than usual, not thinking about the danger of such an action. And it felt so much like real freedom.
'Then let me be at your service tonight' he gracefully kissed my palm and let me go, making his way to the counter. I couldn't help a smile on my face watching him pouring some coffee and preparing the meals so I set behind the counter like a real customer and waited for my "order".
The menu was the best I'd ever had until that night. And I didn't know why the bagels and coffee were so delicious. Maybe, I'd never had proper bagels before or coffee was the highest quality. Maybe, it was the atmosphere around us. Or maybe, everything was simpler than that. Why so many "maybe" when I knew for sure that it was Alex's presence to blame for it? With the sound of his voice and careless talks, everything just seemed ten times better, and my head was spinning with the feeling.
I didn't know if there actually was a world outside that dinner cafe. As I was listening to Alex and chasing after the smallest movements of his, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that something happened and we were left alone. I knew that I could call the night "perfect" but there was something that refused to leave my mind.
'What is it you are thinking about?' Alex asked, leaning on the counter closer to me and drinking his coffee. I draw a line of his arm in the dark denim right to the neck with my glance and dropped it to my own mug. I didn't want to ruin everything but at the same time, I knew I would feel bad without talking about it. As much as great it all looked, I couldn't figure out what was on his mind and how we had to behave later. Because there is always that goddamn "later".
'Tina called me today and asked how everything went' I started with a heavy sigh. Subconsciously, my finger started writing circles on the counter. 'And I told her that it was great and all of this now is so perfect that I can't let myself think that it will last more than this night' I paused and my finger stopped too. 'Maybe, it's stupid to ask but I have to. It seemed like you made your choice and that girl from yesterday is not a thing but I have to hear it to make things clear. Is there any other girl like that or am I your only lover?' I said quietly and raised my glance at Alex, expecting something bad. More like "no" answer. However, I could see the features of Alex's softening in the dark yellow light as it revealed a worry on his face, and I felt a gentle touch of a hand finding mine.
'When I say that I can't give you an eternity, it doesn't mean that I'm not yours and you are not mine for as long as it's possible' he answered in a low tone, calming me with the soft, delicate sound of his voice. Alex's glance was different from the ones that I'd had a chance to see before, and that was so unfamiliar, so intriguing. Just when I thought that I had studied him enough, my favourite worst nightmare showed its hidden unexplored side. Maybe, for the first time in forever, I had to believe all of that.
'But you do have to know that I'm scared of getting hurt' I said, my voice trembling a little. 'Even to the point where I have to repeat it for the thousandth time as if you didn't understand it already' I swallowed something painful in my throat, annoyed with myself about being that "complicated", as they say. But Alex was trouble for me and if I decided to let it happen to me, then I had to say those things once more and never look back.
'I know that I've made it difficult for you since the beginning' he told me, tracing long tangled lines on my hand with his thumb while the glance of his was following it. 'But I didn't plan to think about you as much as I did. It happened to be that I became too involved in this game which I started for fun' Alex stopped, raising his piercing eyes at me. 'February is over but you remain to be my favourite tune. And I know that with things like that you can never be certain but I still know so little about you that it seems like I need to listen to it as much as I get a chance to. I just hope you'll let me'.
I had to breathe properly but I adored him too much that minute, I was fascinated by the touch and caught in the trap of the scent of his cologne. I couldn't believe that Alex was asking me for that kind of thing. A pure confession of his feelings to me. Looking into his eyes I thought about one thing. I understood that I was just not used to be loved.
'I might consider it' I answered quietly and an unwitting smile appeared on my lips, making Alex in front of me chuckle. So softly, so easily, as if it all was just a foolish sweet dream which everybody would call cheesy later. But even though they all say it's disgusting, isn't it what in reality everybody wants?
When you are a character in somebody's book, you are able to do anything. From writing your own story to feeling loved. But in real life, it all seems just a little bit complicated. Because often the games like this end up destroying somebody and there is no such thing like a happy ending for some of us. A broken heart seems like such a cliche thing but how can we call it that when it actually hurts so much and there is nothing that can help?
Probably, that's the reason why I felt so happy just sitting in that empty dinner place with Alex and talking until the sun came out. My plot was different at least for that night and the understanding of it was such a precious thing to experience. Just feeling wanted, desired and fearless. It was all I could ask for and Alex was the one who could give it to me.
As the daylight looked inside the dinner cafe, we looked around surprised to see that the night left without saying goodbye. It was high time to go, just before the cafe would be open again.
It was a cold foggy morning in the city and Alex had a spare key to lock the door before leaving. Waiting for him to do so, I stopped and inhaled a fresh air in my lungs. It was always something strange about staying up all night. It was like you had a power to prolonge yesterday, remember the events of it a little bit longer. I had a job in four hours but that felt like plenty of time.
'I need to have a place like this one day' Alex told me, finishing locking the door and looking at me smiling. His soft hair was messy as if it was the fault of his pillow, and I caught myself on a thought that I wouldn't mind looking at that sight every morning.
'Oh, you'd be pretty good at that. Though, it would be less romantic. Your attitude won't save you from some angry customer who thinks his coffee is not hot enough'.
'I would figure something out, Lili. Don't ruin my dreams' he gave me a well-made resentful look, and I chuckled in the response. Oh, damn, of course, he would figure everything out. The way Alex was was enough to explain how.
'I didn't mean to' I smiled softly. 'I have a question, though'.
'Go ahead'.
'Why did you ask me to wear a dress in that message? Did you plan to take me to dance?' I asked him, suddenly remembering that unimportant detail.
'Well,' Alex smirked smugly, observing me from the head to my toes for the hundredth time that night. 'The reason might be that I just really enjoy looking at your legs'.
'That's not what you had to answer' I was barely holding a smile, feeling a blush coming to my cheeks.
'Don't blame me for the truth' Alex said with a playful note in his tone, and I felt his hand taking mine. It was all too much. 'Let's go get some sleep before I make you completely red. Though I would lie saying I don't enjoy doing so'.
I didn't answer anything, squeezing his hand maybe a little too tightly. We had never done things like that before that morning, and I couldn't decide what to feel. Because happiness sometimes is an overwhelming thing. Especially, when you get something that you'd desired for so long. Going down the street with Alex on my side, I wondered if the perfect night could face the troubles of the upcoming day.
Hey, so I'm in the middle of my exam preparation but instead of trying to get my life together, I'm just posting a new chapter here. Also, getting unnecessary emotional about it for some reason. Well, whatever.
I just hope that all of you are safe and good.
Please, tell me what you think about the chapter in the comments or leave a like so I know. I'd be very grateful. Thank you for all your support! I love you:3
P. S. This fic has 500+ likes and for me this is crazy. I'm like crying. Starting this story I thought that like 2 people will read it lol. Thank you all for that as well!