Not interested

Part 11

I was his. It's one of the things that you just can't really understand without feeling it. And I did. I felt it even better when he left because it's one of life's best tricks: to finally understand something when it's over.

But the fact was the fact and I couldn't do anything about it. I was his on the streets, his at home and his in my mind. My mind, perhaps, was the main problem because it always created the thoughts I wanted desperately to get rid of and that definitely didn't help.

I called Matt the next day after Alex's visit and told him everything. We both agreed that it would be better to stay away from each other for a while until things would become easier. However, I didn't believe it was possible so "for a while" actually felt like "for months".

The news was that I was progressing in my novel. Fun fact: the more you suffer, the better you write. This unspoken rule got me sitting behind my desk and tapping on
a typewriter for hours. How funny.

I have to admit that writing was the only thing keeping me from breaking down completely. I lied to Tina that I caught flu so the owner of the floral shop gave me a vacation. Tina tried to phone me a couple of times after that but I pretended not to notice it. I locked myself in my apartment for a few days and thank God I hated crying. Because it all was risking to become a classical drama with sadness, goodbyes and tears. Couldn't stand it.

When the third evening of my isolation came, I thought that it was enough. I couldn't get over Alex sitting at home and that wasn't a solution to the problem. So the best idea I came up with was to go to the bar. I hadn't been there for some time after meeting Alex and now it seemed like the best option to spend the evening. Just in order to create an illusion that everything was totally okay.

That cold evening I stepped on the threshold of the bar and caught a feeling of déjà vu floating around me as a smell of nostalgia was flying in the air. That was where I had spent nearly all my evenings before meeting Alex. That was what I came back to.

The music was light on the background, people were laughing and chatting sipping some alcohol and promising each other things that they would never do. I was one of them, I could feel it. But at the same time, it seemed like I had never been so distant from people until that evening.

I sat at the bartender as usual feeling that every move was habitual, learned and the dim lights were surprisingly calming.

'Lili, haven't seen you for a few weeks' Jack, the barman, greeted me with a pleasant smile and a glint in his pupils. Yeah, he was one of the habitual details of my bar evenings. How long ago those evenings felt to be.

'Hi' I said almost automatically with my face neutral. I knew that I was always unfair to Jack because he was probably a nice person but... That was the wrong atmosphere to be friends and share some useless conversations. 'Give me something to drink, please'.

'Of course' his smile widened and I was confused about how he always managed to stay calm when I was almost rude every time. 'I'll make you a cocktail. How are you doing, by the way?' Jack was looking at me attentively and expectantly with a pure interest as if I had something important to say. And I didn't.

'Well, you see, I am here to forget the answer to this question. Not to talk about it' my voice was bored somehow and I felt that it was too much when Jack's expression lost its positivity. 'But I am writing a novel, actually' I pronounced a moment later not wanting to make him upset. That mood was already mine and I didn't plan to share it.

'Oh, congratulations' he grinned at me again and that was better. 'I know that you had a lot of trouble with it but I'm glad that you finally do what you like. Send me a copy when you finish?' Jack winked at me joking around and a shadow of a smile touched my lips. Well, why not?