"Morning Henry or Harry," Bill chirped, as he walked into Tucker's General Store.
"Top of da marning, Billy boy."
Matty had explained to Bill how to tell the two brothers apart. Harry's right eye was green and his left was blue. Henry's eyes were the opposite.
"What's with the accent, Henry?"
"Ise bes Harry, Billy boy."
He laughed. "Ise figured youse 'ave dat figured out be now."
Bill stared at the man's eyes, but the poor lighting was of no help. He could not tell the color of either eye.
"Is youse be okays dere Billy boy?"
Bill decided to give up.
"Nothing. Never mind."
He noticed that Henry was more dressed up than usual.
"So whats with the fancy duds?"
" Dis bes a special 'casion me son. Bes me and da missus' anniversary."
"Well congratulations. How many years has it been?"
"One."
"One?"
Bill was dumbfounded.
Harry smiled. "Yes boy, one year."
Bill was confused.
"But don't you have grown up children?"
Harry nodded.
"Yes, boy. Me sons 'arry Jr. and 'enry and me little girl, 'arriette."
"And you and your missus have only been married for one year?"
"Yes, boy. Its da strangist ting," Harry started explaining.
"Wes taught wese got married tirty year ago, but seems dat da fella dat married us were not a minister. 'e were just some feller dat came thru 'ere years ago sellin' Fuller Brush tings."
"Fuller Brush? I though they went out of business years ago."
Harry shrugged.
"Don't know, Billy boy. Just one of them things I guess, guv'ner."
"Again the accent."
"Been watchin' dem Monty Python fellas from England. Me and da missus jest loves dem."
"Yea, I like the Monty Python group as well."
Bill looked around the store.
"Is your missus here?"
"No me son. She is at home, preparing herself for a proper night on the town."
Again the accent. Bill wanted to ask Harry how he was able to speak almost perfect English when he was faking an English accent, but ...
the hell with it, he had to ask.
Harry laughed.
"Ise bes makin' fun at dem Englishmen. Dey sure talks funny, don't ya tink."
Bill just stared at him blankly. He suddenly wished he had not asked.
Harry chuckled.
"Looks who Ise be talkin' to. Youse talks almost as funny as dem English fellas."
Bill bit his tongue. He wasn't going to bite at the comment.
"So what do you have planned for you and the missus?"
"Well, me son. Ise already booked da finest room at da Rocky 'arbour Motel and me and da missus is gonna have a fancy meal at the Motel's restaurant and den goes dancin'. Dey 'aves live music ev'ry weekend up dere.
Deys got Buddy Wassisname and the other Fellas playin' dere tonight. Dey is just a riot."
"They certainly sound like it."
Bill had no idea who the band was.
Harry nodded.
"Den after da dance me and da missus.
Well Ise sure youse knows whats Ise bes talkin' about."
Bill blushed slightly, in spite of himself.
"I believe I do," he kind of smiled.
Harry patted Bill on the back.
"Ise bet youse does. Youse and dat pretty Matty Dove.
Youse knows whats I means?"
Harry winked at Bill.
"No. NO," Bill corrected him, quickly.
"Matty and I are just friends."
It had been almost a week since Matty had stopped Bill from leaving the Bay and except for a couple quick pecks on the lips, she had not shown any real affection.
Although she had not threatened since, to cut off his nuts and feed them to Jarge, either.
Harry winked, again.
"Okays, jest friends it bes den."
He walked back behind the counter.
"Okay me son. 'ows can I 'elps you?"
"Well I need some cigarettes."
"What kind youse want?"
"Harry you only carry one kind, now."
Bill stared at the plain cardboard box that each pack of 36 cigarettes came in.
"And I am not sure exactly what kind they are."
Harry took two boxes down and put them on the counter.
"See, me son."
Bill could see no difference in the two boxes.
He just shrugged.
Harry laughed as he picked up a box.
"Dis one bes 'avin' 41 smokes in it, 'stead of 36."
In spite of himself, Bill had to ask, "Where did you come up with the pack sizes?"
Harry looked at the pack in his hand.
"Wes be bringin' dem in from China, me son. Buys a thousand at a time fer like twinty dollar or so."
"Why do you buy the boxes?"
Harry laughed slightly.
"What else is wese goin' to put da smokes in? Paper bags?"
Bill's head was spinning, but he just couldn't stop. It was like looking at a bad accident. As horrible as it is, you just can't look away.
"Harry? Where do the cigarettes come from?"
"Da missus makes 'em."
"Your wife makes the cigarettes?" Bill chirped, surprised.
"Dats what I jest say, me son. Wasn't youse listenin'?
"And where does the tobacco come from?"
Harry leaned forward on the counter.
"Ise will tells youse, Billy boy. Buts youse gotta promise not to say a word."
"About what?"
"Well boy, its be like dis. Ifin peoples knew dat we were sellin' 'and made smokes instead of dem fancy ones, dey sells in da big city, well, dey might starts to complain. Youse understands dat now, don't youse?"
Bill nodded, despite the fact that he was starting to get a headache.
"We wouldn't want that to get out now, would we?"
Harry just shook his head.
"So wes jest keeps it as our secret."
He winked at me.
"So whats size does youse wants."
"I tell you what, Harry. I feel a bit adventuresome today. Let's go with the 41 pack. Give me a couple of them."
Harry smiled.
"That be a smart move, Billy boy. Ise told 'enry dat youse was a smart young fella. No matter what 'e tinks.
So dat bes tirty dollars fer da two packs."
"Thirty dollars?"
"Yis boy, dats what I said. Youse be 'avin' a problem wit yer ears today, me son? Youse shud be gettin' dat checked out."
"So these are $15 a pack?"
Henry nodded.
"And the 36 packs are $10 a pack?"
Henry nodded again.
"So I am paying $5 more for just five cigarettes more."
Henry thought for a moment.
"Now dat youse mentions it, me son, dat jest doesn't seems right."
Bill nodded.
"I thought so."
"Wese shud be chargin' more."
"What?
Harry? How do you figure you should be charging more?"
"Well, me son. Bes like dis. Da 36 packs costs us like $20 fer one t'ousand boxes.
But da bigger boxes cost more. Des costs us like $20 fer just a gross. Now a gross bes like 144 pieces. So dat means dat these boxes costs over six times as much."
"Why would you only bring in 144 boxes."
Harry stared at me.
"Serious, Billy boy. Its be a new product and wes don't bes knowin' ifin it will sell or not. Peoples bes fickle sometimes. Dey gits used to one ting and it be hard fer dey to change."
Bill nodded. Although he was confused as hell, what Harry was saying almost made sense. Almost.
Bill did the math in his head. The 36 pack boxes cost about two cents each, so the 41 pack boxes would be about 12 cents each.
Bill explained the fact to Harry, hoping that he would see that even with the increase in the price of the plain cardboard boxes, it didn't warrant such a huge jump in the price of the cigarettes.
Harry nodded.
"Yes, me son. I sees what youse means. Dese bigger boxes bes about 6 times the cost."
"That's right."
He nodded and looked at Bill.
"In dat case, it'll be $120 dollars."
"WHAT?"
"Well, me son. Da boxes be six times as much and two packs of 36s bes $20 dollars.
Youse does da math. 6 times 20 bes 120."
He smiled the evilest smile Bill had ever seen.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Bill put $30 on the counter, took the two packs of 41 cigarettes and left.
"'ave a good day, Billy boy," Harry called behind him.