Matty sat back on the couch and lit a cigarette.
"Once upon a time there was a woman named Matty. She did a favour for her new neighbour, William, who had lost a fight with a seagull and nearly got his nipple bit off.
She took William to the hospital, where after a ten minute sewing session, they saved his nipple and then pumped him full of painkillers.
From there, Matty took an injured seagull to the local vet where the vet fixed the seagull's broken wing, as best he could. And he informed us that the gull might never fly again.
Hearing this news, William broke down into tears and proceeded to tell everyone in the vet's office that it was all his fault and that he would do everything in his power to make sure that the seagull's last few days on earth would be the best that he could provide.
William then proceeded to buy a dog bed for said seagull, along with various chew ties, a collar and a leash. He then tearfully told the young woman at the vet's front counter that it was all for his favourite pet, Jarge.
He then bought a carrier for Jarge and we drove back to Tuckamore Bay."
Matty sipped on her beer, staring at Bill the whole time.
"Well that doesn't sound too bad?" Bill half ask, half stated, adding, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you at the vet's office.
And who is Jarge?"
Matty dragged heavily on her cigarette, blew the smoke directly at Bill and ignored his question.
"That was the good part of my day," she barked.
Bill sat back on the couch.
"Oh shit. It gets better?"
Nanny Dove chuckled, not missing a stitch.
Matty put her beer on the coffee table.
"Then we got home.
You were tired and stoned, so you decided to go straight to bed, which I thought was a great idea. By the time I got in the house with Jarge, you were already gone to the bedroom. I decided to check on you before I got Jarge settled.
Were you in bed?
Of course not. You were sitting on the bed, staring out the window.
When I asked you what was wrong, you started crying and pointed to the window, saying,
'That's where I almost killed Jarge. If I hadn't put up that screen, he would be out there flying around with his other seagull buddies, tearing open garbage bags and shitting on my truck.'
I reminded you that it was Freddy Simpson who put up the screens. You wanted me to phone the police and have Freddy arrested for attempted murder.
It took me twenty minutes to convince you it was an accident and that Jarge would be okay and that I would make Freddy pay for his part."
Matty picked up her beer and took a mouthful, dragged on her cigarette and dropped the butt in the beer bottle. Taking a long, deep breath, she continued.
"It took me another five minutes to talk you into going to bed. Then you wanted me to tuck you in.
I told you to undress and get in bed and I would be back to make sure you were okay, but you insisted that I undress you and tuck you in.
When I refused, you started pouting and stomping your feet like a little girl."
"A little girl?" Bill questioned.
"This is my story and I say you were acting like a little girl," Matty snapped, lighting another cigarette.
"You have anything to say about it?"
Bill shook his head.
"No," he squeaked.
"Finally I had to yell at you and told you if you were not undressed and in bed in ten minutes, there would be no bedtime story."
Bill looked around for somewhere to hide and even considered crawling under the couch.
"Bets youse wants to crawls under dat couch now, don't youse, Willam?" Nanny Dove laughed.
"Knows Ise wud."
"Anyway," Matty continued, "I barely got out our the room before you told me you were in bed. And you were, fully dressed. You even still had your sneakers on.
Again I had to bark at you to get undressed, which you did, under the covers, luckily, until you were completely naked."
"Sorry?"
"And the best part was that you then wanted me to lay down with you until you fell asleep. You even held up the sheets so I could climb in."
Matty glared at Bill.
"Sorry?"
"So then I decided not to get in bed with you and was about to leave, but you reminded me that I had promised you a story.
I said no and you started pouting again. Since I did not want you jumping out of bed and doing your little stomping dance in the nude, I stood by the bed and told you the story of William and Matty. A story of how Matty met William and William pissed Matty off so she tied him to a light-pole and let the gulls peck out his eyes.
You told me it was the most beautiful story you had ever heard.
Then I kissed you on the top of the head and started to leave the room. You asked me to turn the light out. I tried to explain that there was no light on. You pointed at the window and said that the Ocean's bright light was right in your eyes.
In case you haven't caught on, you were asking me to turn off the moon.
You kept insisting you could not sleep with the light on, so I got a blanket and put over the window.
You said thank you and I left the room."
Matty lit another cigarette and sat back silently on the couch, staring at Bill and blowing perfect smoke rings.
"Well ... well, I am sorry for trying to get you in bed and the whole light thing, but honestly, in my defence, I was high on painkillers and I really don't remember a thing.
And really? Was it that bad? I mean it doesn't sound that bad."
Matty leaned forward and stared at Bill.
"William?"
"Yes Matty."
"That was the easy part of the night. The real fun started about an hour or so later."
Bill swallowed hard.
"Oh shit."
Nanny Dove started laughing again.
"Youse really pissed Matty off, me son. Ise surprised she still be here. Ifin it were me, Ise be sittin' in dat condo in Jammy-bacon, dat youse always bes talkin' 'bout."
Bill stood up.
"Look, Matty. I really don't remember anything about last night and if I put you through any sort of discomfort, then I am truly sorry.
Please, just tell me what I have to do to make it up to you."
"Are you really sorry?"
Bill nodded.
"Matty, you are my only friend here and I would never do anything to hurt you."
He sat down again.
"I think you have made your point. I was an ass and even though I honestly don't remember a thing, just what you have told me has embarrassed me beyond words. I don't think you need to tell me anymore. I am mortified with embarrassment.
Just let me make it up to you."
Matty smiled.
"You really want to make it up to me?"
"Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes."
"Then sit there and shut the fuck up, because the real fun is about to begin."
All Bill could hear was Nanny Dove's laughter.