L O V I N G
L A K Y N
I DID NOT know where I was. The hallway looked unfamiliar, the walls painted with grey as my eyebrows knitted together with confusion.
Often, my brain is practically a memory holding center. I remember everything—though names I am unapologetically slightly slow with—from moments to conversations. I hold grudges and I do not forgive easily, in order to hold a grudge, you have to permanently remember why, therefore my memory is naturally stronger than the average person.
But this place, it felt eerie. It made my stomach feel uneasy. I could feel it within me that I knew this place, but my memory was battling against me telling me that I do not know it.
Where on earth am I?
it was as though I had been hypnotized to forget this place, every part of me was fighting to not remember it as I continued further down the hall.
The lights flickered and I gasped before they turned back on and suddenly Kian Carrington was there, standing in front of the first door on the left, looking somewhat intimidating as he portrayed an intimidating stance, his face stone cold as he glared at the wall opposite him as though it was a real person of which he despised.
The lights flickered yet again, though this time they stayed off for what felt like sixty seconds or so, before they came back on.
A flash of blonde hair by-passed me and then brown hair too. I recognized the grey hoodie and jeans as well as the striped shirt and black jeans on the other boy.
It was Hale and Lakyn. They were sprinting towards Kian and I began following after them.
"Hale!" I shouted as I stopped behind the two of them.
Hale ignored me before his fist flew into Kian's jaw, an awful crunch audible before Lakyn took a swing at the same spot on the opposite side.
I cringed, my eyes wide as I grasped Hale's arm, tugging him but my hands just slipped through his skin as though I was a ghost.
I stared at my hands confusedly before trying again, but it was of no use. My fingers seemed to slip through everything like water.
Lakyn and Hale continued to beat Kian as though he was completely meaningless and worth nothing but dead. Why Kian? I do not personally like the imbecile either, but Lakyn is turning him purple like Violet from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory when she ate that gum.
It did not take me long before I realized that none of this was right. It was as though I was sitting in front of the television, watching but unable to control the channel as I seemed incapable of finding the remote.
My cries and screams were useless as I watched my brother and his evil partner in crime brutally bashing this boy.
I fell to my knees, my limbs feeling frail and useless as I observed the horrific scene of violence happening directly in front of me.
I may be heartless and completely apathetic, but violence is something of which I am not fond of—like most people—it is scary and not just because of the physical violence, but the rush it gives the villains, the murderous and racing thoughts that go through their head as they rip each other to shreds.
I expected this from Lakyn because he is a monster capable of monstrous things but Hale. . .he is like a fallen angel expelled from heaven. He is dark and beautiful, despite being different, but on the inside, he means no harm unless it is his given karma.
One thing of which Hale and I have in common—and Lakyn too, I suppose—is that we like to handle our karma rather than waiting patiently for the universe to deal with it.
"Baby." someone whispered from behind me.
I yelped in fright, jumping up before turning around to see the culprit of my rapidly racing heart.
My eyes widened as I analyzed the boy in front of me. His slanted eyes, olive complexion, and dark hair.
Arden.
"Arden?" I gasped, entirely forgetting about the scene going on behind my back, "What are you doing here?"
I had so many questions. So many. But I knew that wherever I currently was—despite it being awfully familiar—it was not reality, this is some place faux. I feel as though I have fallen down a rabbit hole like Alice and I had no idea what was happening as I continued falling. Though I was on a flat surface, I felt as though I was falling and had been for a long time, when will I reach the bottom is what terrifies me.
Arden smirked, placing both of his terrifyingly cold hands on my shoulders as he turned me around to face the boys whom were still at it, before shoving me forward forcefully, "Go through that door."
I gulped, an uneasy feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. This feeling was strong, telling me not to go in there, but I had to. I had too, so that this could be over.
I stepped forward reluctantly, a strong invisible force tugging me closer and closer until I was directly in front of it. I inhaled sharply before stepping around the crime scene in front of the door and grasping the cold metal doorknob, shoving it open as I stepped inside.
When I entered the room is exactly when it clicked in my brain where I was. The light blue walls, the pictures. . .I was back here in Arden's room, the room of which every girl's worst nightmare happened in, but to me.
I now recall why I could not remember this place. Because I did not want too, it is far too traumatic, so I removed the setting from my brain to protect myself and my fragile heart.
I turned around, prepared to sprint as far as my legs will take me, but I collided straight into a hard chest and by the familiar sweet scent of which the material of his shirt held, I knew that it was Lucifer in the flesh; Arden Roson, the boy which once loved me sweetly until that sweetness turned into vile poison.
I stepped back, wanting to be far from him as I feared that he would hurt me again. "Arden, why am I here?"
The corners of his lips tilted upwards, forming a sadistic and evil grin. "Because, baby." he murmured softly, looking down at me, "I died because you decided that the night of my party that you didn't want to be a worthless little whore anymore, so I am here to make you relive it."
I shook my head vastly. No, no, no. This all made sense now. Lakyn and Hale were fighting Kian because he was guarding the door for Arden, probably so that he could have a turn afterward as well, I would not be surprised considering how lowly he spoke to me the night of the party. He spoke to me as though I was an escort, there for his own needs, as did Arden. No wonder they are best friends.
"I am not worthless." I defended myself, though I had a hard time believing what I was saying. "And I am not a whore."
Arden snorted, throwing his head back as he chuckled, "This is your dream, I am only saying what you are already thinking."
I sighed, feeling exhausted despite being asleep in real life. I wish that I could stand up for myself as I usually would, but it is hard when the opponent is speaking the truth. I am not entirely worthless, everyone is worth something, but I would say I am not worth very much more than what Arden did to me.
One thing I firmly am against is slut-shaming. Being a slut is not something that should be used offensively, especially when you are being young, safe and experimenting. I use sex as an outlet, it distracts me from what I am feeling and releases my pent-up anger into something pleasurable and harmless, though sex also exposes all my insecurities and puts me in an extremely vulnerable state. Some people use drugs as a distraction or drinking and even eating, but I use intercourse to help me cope.
That should not make me a whore.
"Look, there you are. Helpless." he chuckled, forcing me around to face the rest of his bedroom.
It was me. I was standing there in the red silk dress that I once adored, wearing my heels and my hair was straightened to perfection per usual and there was Arden, hovering over me as though I was a child in trouble.
I pitied myself as I acknowledged how defenseless and scared I looked. I tried oh so hard to seem strong that night, pushing him away, hurting him. I did not want to be a princess incapable of helping herself. If I cannot save myself, how can anyone else do so?
It was not until I watched myself get shoved onto the bed that I began whimpering, both versions of me, the traumatized one and the helpless one, though I could barely decipher which one was which, I believe past and present Lila are both of the options.
I watched as pure and concentrated fear took over my face. I looked so. . .scared, I just wanted to walk over there and save her. Save me. But I physically could not, I was planted in place like a weed to a garden and I could not be removed.
Arden gripped the top of my dress and tore is in half, exposing my undergarment clad body. He traced his finger down the valley between my breasts and I felt bile rising in my throat. It hurts my cold heart knowing that girls all around the world experience this and far worse, I just got a glimpse.
My eyes closed shut and I was able to see what I could not at the time. The horrifyingly hungry expression on Arden's face as he greedily took in my body. My teeth grinded against each other as I threw my head back, wincing in pain as he forced his tip into me. I could feel the pain, I could remember the pain as though it was my favorite song.
You never know the pain of someone unwanted forcing themself into you until it happens.
"You look pathetic, huh?" Arden murmured next to my ear as he watched with me, "If you had just let me fuck you, I wouldn't have said all those things. I wouldn't have had to hurt you."
I shook my head, "This was your decision, not mine." I growled, "And it looks like you got your karma. I truly hope someone did kill you and you are lifeless in a ditch somewhere."
Arden's face dropped, his smirk blurring into a grim scowl, "And it looks like you got yours too." he said humorously, gesturing over to where I laid vulnerably with my eyes closed tightly.
The next thing that happened was Lakyn running into my safety, Hale remaining with Kian more likely, whilst Lakyn tugged Arden off me forcefully, attacking him even more aggressively than he had with Kian, his usual deep blue eyes which hold an ocean of havoc turned darker, resembling the sky when a harmful storm is coming.
Time flew by quickly and before I knew it, I was on Lakyn's lap, crying like a lost puppy and he was my owner at that moment, consoling me as I cried hysterically. I was allowing him to do something that I had feared, I let him hold me and that night, I let him hold me again. I allowed the boy that has made my life a living hell since elementary school to look after me. But I still find it strange that Lakyn of all people saved me.
"Why am I here, Arden?" I asked him for the second time, needing more. This made no sense. "This is my dream. . .correction, nightmare."
He snorted, his sharp jawline tensing as his humor-filled façade faded into one of anger, or not quite. It was more dark and evil, something I could not describe nor give a word for simply because it was a look I had never seen.
I had always been told as a child that monsters were not real and as I grew up, I quickly grasped the concept that the monsters we tell ourselves that are under our bed or in the closet are a work of imagination to protect ourselves from the ones that live amongst us and look like real people.
It is like knowing you have gained weight, but you choose not to check the number on the scale because if you do not see it, you can tell yourself that you indeed have not gained weight.
If you pretend there are mediocre undetected creatures living amongst the four walls that you sleep in because it is far too horrifying to know that these monsters are camouflaged as enemies, friends, lovers, family. No one ever has good intentions and Arden is one of those people, he is a born monster whom once drowned in wealth and was spoilt rotten, living as mommy and daddy wish—though I cannot talk—and after years of living amidst green bills and skyscrapers, manipulating people with his billions, someone decided to punish him.
That someone was not me and considering the actions he inflicted upon me, I truly wish it was.
But despite the cruelness that courses through my veins, I am not capable of taking a life nor destroying one. . .permanently, temporarily I could with ease.
"Exactly , it is your nightmare." he pointed out, but somehow I was still unable to grasp the point, "This is your trauma and you won't deal with it, so I will keep playing games with you until you are nothing but trauma."
He is right. This is my trauma and because I turned my emotions off like I always do, I have not grieved and I do not want to. An average person would go to a counselor or a friend even and speak about it, but I am not a talker, I bottle things up until the lid pops off and I explode, then I cry and I feel for a moment and then boom, I do not feel again.
This is not just father controlling me. This is me being touched inappropriately without my consent.
But, though he caused this, this is not his game to play. I do not know if he is dead or missing, but wherever he is, he does not have the right to control me like a puppet. This is my mind, my body, and my damned dream.
Suddenly my veins filled with adrenaline and something within me ignited, a flame if you will, and my heart sparked with anger and confidence as I shoved him harshly and he fell over, his back colliding with the floor as he winced in pain.
"This is not your game to play, you mean nothing to me." I spat emotionlessly, "Do not play games with a girl that can play better."
Those were my last words before I woke up, sitting up-right as I panted heavily, sweating rapidly as tears stained my cheeks and my heart raced as though I had just run a marathon.
I was confused for a moment until I realized that I was in Lakyn's awfully comfortable bed, Marley pressed to my side as subtle light beamed through the high windows. If my internal clock is correct, I would say that it had to be around five o'clock and I felt so out of place.
I hate to admit it, but I felt scared. That dream had a bigger impact on me than I care to admit I felt as though I had been tossed from a cliff and shoved under a bus, all while I was sleeping. I wanted to breakdown and cry forever, this ball of bundled up pain was suffocating me and I felt as though I was about to combust.
Without thinking I stepped out of Lakyn's bed, the coldness enveloping me as the heavy snow fell against the roof, causing a ruckus, ensuring me that the snow-storm was still making its way through Dayton Lakes.
I felt like a tornado, swirling around aimlessly and I could not stop, I was confused and overwhelmed by my own emotions, but one thing I was sure of, one thing I could see through my constant crashing, was him.
Lakyn.
I wanted—needed him. And he was here.
My cold bare feet padded against the steps as I made my way down the stairwell, leaving Marley to have the entire bed to herself.
I cradled myself as I shivered, goosebumps scattering over the pale skin on my exposed arms and legs as I walked over to the large L-shaped couch. He was laying on his back, his arms resting behind his head, though, what shocked me was that despite it being extremely early hours of the morning, he seemed to be wide awake.
Lakyn's eyes darted over to where I had stopped just next to the coffee table and when I saw his orbs something in me shattered slightly. He looked. . .so dead inside, they held no life. He looked sad. Lonely. I am sure I shared the same look.
He looked continued to look over at me, teeth taking his bottom lip.
"C'mere." He gestured for me to climb onto his lab.
I warily walked over to him and I did as he told. My hips straddled his with my knees outside his thighs. We were nestled uptight, but I was propped higher. He rested a hand on either of my flanks, eyes roaming leisurely over my face.
His touch was enough, it was all I needed and it felt great. His calloused hands against me, his warmth, just his touch in general.
I looked down at him and all his beauty, pressing my palms against his bare chest, "Have you slept?"
He opened his mouth, about to say something, but instead, he ended up answering me with the shake of his head.
"Why?" I tilted my head, curiosity apparent in my tone.
Lakyn's hands slowly traveled from my waist down to my broad hips where he massaged me teasingly, "I just have trouble sleeping sometimes." he replied nonchalantly, "What's wrong?" he diverted the conversation back to me, lifting one hand to tuck my hair behind my ear, his gaze remaining on me.
It was intense and it was making me awfully nervous, "I had a bad dream." was my soft answer.
I was unsure of whether I wanted to elaborate or not, but regardless of what I decided, I was okay with because Lakyn was the one whom saved me and consoled me the entire night, though he still made few rude comments, he was there and as much as I hate to admit it, he helped me.
If I was going to tell anyone about the dream I just awoke from, it would be him.
"What was it about?" he pressed, not caring how nosey he had sounded.
I leant into his touch as he gravitated from twirling my hair, to the side of my cheek, "Stop doing that." I murmured, my eyes fluttering shut as I ravished in his touch.
I heard him chuckle softly and I could tell that he was smirking, "Why?" he said in a teasing tone, "Is it too much?"
I nodded, feeling both breathless and pathetic as I admitted to how severely his touch impacts me and the way I feel. God, does he make me feel.
"Aw, sorry." he apologized, though I knew it was more of a tease rather than an apology, "You just look so fuckin' pretty when I'm touching you."
Jesus Christ.
I subconsciously scooted forward on his lap, his words causing an intense feeling between my legs and where I was sitting did not help.
I finally worked up enough courage to open my eyes and when I did, sweet heavens, I was ready to take every inch of my clothing off and sit on him, wherever that may be. He is so unbelievably perfect in every way humanly possible from his blonde locks of hair to his mesmerizing irises, his plump lips to his tall height.
He groaned before migrating his index finger and thumb down to my chin, tugging my face downwards slightly, "Tell me." he urged.
"It was about Arden." I breathed heavily, "I had to watch that night all over again but in the third person and Arden was next to me, telling me that it was my fault and that I deserved it."
Lakyn bit down on his bottom lip, sighing, "I hate that cunt." he seethed.
Me too.
"He told me that I will keep having nightmares until I deal with my trauma."
He tugged me down onto his chest, my ear pressed to his heart as he cautiously and discretely slid his hands beneath my shirt, exploring the length of my back, the feeling of his fingertips against my skin making me shiver as my eyes rolled back.
"Trauma is a fucked up thing, Violet." he said, his chest rumbling if he spoke, "You won't heal if you keep pretending it doesn't hurt."
My heart ached, "What would you say if I told you that it didn't hurt. . .at all?" I muttered quietly, "I choose not to feel, Lakyn. I turn it off and it does not hurt anymore."
Why was I telling him this? Maybe because I feel as though he secretly already knows. The last time I stayed here. . .that night, he had told me to turn it off as though he knows that it is my strategy.
"What would you say if I told you that I don't hurt at all?" he replied in a tone much like mine, "I don't have a switch, I just don't feel."
I suppose I do not really know what that is like because I choose what I do and do not feel. I cannot imagine not feeling at all that must be horrible, though I cannot help but feel the slightest amount of envy, in times like these when I am awoken by terrible night terrors, I wish I had the ability to completely not feel, so it would not hurt.
Trauma overwhelms the ability to cope and my entire life is one big trauma, so coping is practically impossible. My entire being is based off repressed emotions.
"Lakyn. . ." I trailed off, unsure as to what I should say.
He shook his head, placing both of his hands in my blonde hair as he began tickling my scalp, "This is about you." he diverted the conversation back to me yet again, "Talk to me."
I wanted to talk but when there is so much to say, it is hard because I am stuck between telling him too much and telling him absolutely nothing at all.
"That night. . ." I began, closing my eyes tightly as his soothing touch urged me to keep going, "I felt like I deserved it—I still do. I did so many bad things and it was karma served in one of the worst forms possible."
Lakyn sucked in a deep breath, "No one deserves that or anything remotely close to it." he said sternly, "You did not deserve it, Vi." he assured me.
"You do not understand." I sighed, snuggling further into his chest as I felt the sudden urge to abruptly end this conversation and pretend that it never happened.
His fingers wrapped around a thick strand on my hair and he tugged on it softly, "Then make me understand." he said delicately.
"I feel like I lost my body for a moment and now that I have it back. . ." I paused, turning my face, so that I could see him from a low angle, "it does not feel like it is mine anymore."
Lakyn stared at me blankly and I felt my eyes beginning to water as I uttered the words I had been thinking ever since that night.
Lakyn placed his thumb beneath my eye, swiping away the stray tear which fell from my eye, "It is your body, sweetheart." he assured, "You lost control of it for a second, but it's yours and it always will be."
I nodded, taking in his words like a student would to a teacher.
"Pretty baby," he murmured, "tell me the rest, c'mon."
How did he seem to know everything?
I removed one of my hands from his chest, using it to grab his large hand which resonated on the side of my face before dragging it down to my chin when he then grinned, chuckling softly before using his thumb to trace the outline of my bottom lip.
My bottom lip puckered out as I tilted my face downwards slightly, the tip of Lakyn's thumb sliding into my mouth before I bit down on it softly, the small gesture seeming to drive him insane as I felt myself beginning to feel more and more open and comfortable with him, which both horrified me and comforted me at the same time.
He said so himself, we hate each other and it is easier this way. I do not want to be comfortable around someone that could turn on me in the blink of an eye, but then again, I am here right now with him, he is here and has been here when no one else was around to help. Tomorrow he will be back to his usual self but whilst I am quite literally stuck with his sleep-deprived self, I may as well savor the somewhat nice Lakyn whilst I can.
"I feel stupid." I mumbled.
He continued to assault me with his pleasant little touches, each press of his fingertips against my skin urging me to tell him more and more, turning yet another page in my book of secrets.
He hummed in response, "Why?"
"Because I was barely raped. He put his tip in and that was it." I began to explain, "It hurt and it was terrifying, but I have no right to sympathize over something that could have been far worse."
It was true, I had been having this continuous internal battle with myself ever since. I feel as though I have no right to be upset about the matter when it happens to so many other girls—unfortunately—whom experience far worse, what I experienced was minor.
Lakyn practically growled in response, his nostrils flaring, "Rape is rape, Violet." he said strongly, "Regardless of how far it went, so long as his dick entered you, you have every right to pity yourself."
"It was a shock, I felt useless." I whispered the last part, feeling my voice growing weak, "I keep thinking about if you had not saved me and blah blah, but then I remember how mean you are and how I wish anyone but you had saved me."
My words seemed to have struck him as he flinched, blinking once and then twice before the room fell completely silent. He wanted honesty, so I gave him honesty.
He scoffed, anger taking over his face as he scowled, "I'd say fuck you, but I get it." he chuckled to himself, "I wouldn't wanna be saved by me either."
That took a sharp turn into a deep pool. I am grateful I was saved at all, but by Lakyn. . .I cannot help but feel as though he will use this entire experience against me, though he has done nothing but be there for me.
I suppose that is just me being anxious due to the fact that Lakyn and I have always hated each other more than anyone could imagine, we put each other down and practically destroy each other, now suddenly we are sharing the same bed, looking out for each other—though neither of us will openly admit it—and sharing intimate touches under the dinner table.
But I am enjoying it, that is what horrifies me.
"Then say it." I urged him.
Lakyn raised one of his perfectly arched eyebrows before smirking yet again, "Fuck you."
That is the Lakyn I know and hate.
I giggled, feeling extremely tired still as I sprawled out over his chest.
"You confuse me." I murmured into his warm chest.
He hummed in response, his hands not leaving me once as he explored the upper-half of my body; my back, shoulders, neck, and face. Everywhere within the proximity of his hands reach.
"How so, sweetheart?"
God, those damn names he calls me drive me crazy like no one's business.
I sighed out of pure frustration, "You say all this idiotic stuff like; we hate each other, Vi. It is easier this way and blah blah." I mimicked him, recalling his words from the day that we were questioned by Officer Tanner in the office. "But then you proceed to call me pretty baby and hold me as though I am made of glass."
Lakyn stared at me intensely, "You're made of iron, sweetheart, not glass."
I smiled, my frozen heart defrosting just slightly, "I know you like to break things," I whispered, daring to look up at him, "but whilst I am in your arms, please do not shatter me."
There is almost nothing more terrifying than letting someone hold you and hoping that they will not throw you away like a used toy.
"I won't." he said sincerely and that was the last thing he said before I fell to sleep on top of him and this time, my dreams were pleasant for the first time in so long because I had opened up and spoken about it to someone. Something I never do. I did not feed the trauma.
I demolished it.
Hi everyone!
So, as most of you probably know my laptop broke and after four days of crying because I missed writing so much, my boyfriend gave me his laptop so I can continue to update per usual 🥰🥰
Next chapter is going to be a Leden (Lila and Eden) chapter so look forward to that. Also have you been enjoying all the dialogue, like conversations and all? What do you think about Lake and Lila slowly opening up to each other?
Anyways I have already started the next update so I will see you all shortly with chapter thirty. God, that came fast.
I love you all, see you soon ♡