I don't know why I start crying, just that I do, stupidly loud sobs. Beside me, Elide jerks back in alarm. I haven't sobbed like this since the Thirteen died. Why...?
"Manon," Elide exclaims, worry in her eyes. "What's the matter?"
I don't reply, unable to form words around the sobs racking my body. I don't know why I'm crying, but now I am, I can't stop. Elide, instead of prying for answers, wraps her arms around me in a hug. For once, I don't shove them off. I try to suppress my shuddering sobs, but I can't, too many pregnancy hormones coursing through my body, so we just sit there, Elide hugging my as I cry.
Eventually, my sobs begin to die down, and I wipe my eyes with my hands. I sit up straighter, resisting the urge to shake, and Elide takes her arms away from around me. My face tingles unpleasantly.
Elide leans back against the plush cushions on the sofa. I can't stay seated, my body wanting to move, and I stand and pace around the lavishly furnished room. I stop by the same vase as earlier, once again entranced by the elaborate patterns on it.
"Dorian," I say softly, answering Elide's question from earlier. "Dorian does know that I'm pregnant. But -" I cut myself off, the mention of that catastrophic meeting threatening to make me cry again. I take a deep breath, Elide listening patiently. "But I didn't tell him in the... friendliest way."
Elide doesn't say anything as I pause, and an intense silence follows my words. She's waiting for me to continue. I say, "I kind of... yelled in his face and then flew off without waiting for him to react at all. I think... he hates me now, Elide. I ruined -"
I stop, taking a breath, not able to voice the words that I think are true. I think we're over, me and Dorian. I think I ruined everything. And if I have... with the baby...
It'll be my fault.
Elide stands and walks over to me. "Manon," she says, a delicate hand on my shoulder. I turn to face her, and see her eyes are full of worry. "You didn't ruin anything."
"You weren't there. You didn't see it." I rub at my face, tiredness pressing down me. "I - I don't know, Elide. Maybe you're right. Damn this pregnancy!"
Elide smiles softly at me. "Look, Manon, you look exhausted. Why don't you go get some sleep or something and I'll find you tomorrow. Let me just get Lucinda to make up a room for you."
Elide steps into the hallway, calling for some servant and asking for a room to be made up for me. I'm almost numb with tiredness, and getting that stuff with Dorian off my chest, just talking about it... I think it's helped. Maybe.
Elide turns back to me, still standing in the centre of the room. "Do you want something to eat, Manon?"
"No," I say. A thought hits me. "Where's - will Abraxos be alright?"
"Yes, I'll make sure Finlo makes room in the stables for him." She turns back to the servant she was talking to.
Suddenly, I realise something. "Elide," I say, and she turns to me. "Do you know all your servants names?"
Elide frowns. "Of course I do. They're still people, Manon, even if they serve me."
"I know." I pause, considering. "I don't think I've ever met another person, ever, who has bothered to learn all of their servants names."
Elide stares me down, as if I'm insulting her. "Well then, I'm proud to be the first."