Listen to : US by Clara Mae
The sun hovered over us on a cloudless sky. These were one of the days our mothers would smear so much sunscreen all over our bodies afraid we would come home with bad cases of heat rash. The boys had come to our neighborhood showing off their new mountain bikes. Everything was going great until the ice cream truck drove past our street. We flagged it down and I rushed into our house to grab the bill my mother always left on the kitchen counter for moments like these. Whoever's neighborhood we were in that weekend their parents would be bestowed the burden on having to buy us ice cream. Jen lived closer to me than the boys so we saw each other more frequently.
After giving the ice cream man our bill and getting change we shouted our orders. I prayed to be the first to receive my ice cream so that I could flee but I like most weekends my bad luck came knocking on my door.
There was so much I wanted to say but I could not utter a single word. I stood there with my two pigtails hanging from my head, a stream of tears running down my dirty cheeks and an ice cream cone with no ice cream on it. I looked at Jen and she looked at me hesitantly before licking her cherry ripple ice cream in a flash to avoid offending me. She looked at the ground and remained silent as always . He was the clear definition of a childhood bully, my personal nightmare . Every time we bought ice cream together he would do the same thing he had done. He used his dirty hands to grab my chocolate ice cream off my cone and place it on top of his mint scoop. As always I retreated to my little hideout behind the huge baobab tree to cry.
Kyle, Jen and I were really close when we were in primary school except in times like those when he would bully me and they would just stand there without making an attempt to protect or comfort me . Both Kyle and him were the talk of the town at that time, two boys too stunning for their age, same charm but their hearts were so different. Kyle of course was the angel and the other was the devil's spawn. He was always a little bit taller than Kyle, more masculine and was always in trouble. In seventh grade when Liam moved to the neighborhood he had been sent off to a military school by his parents to try and make him more civil and if you ask me, I bet that they had zero chance at transforming him. Everyone in our town suspected he had done something extreme for his parents to finally take that initiative. I could not help but laugh at how much I feared him as a child. Every time my parents got me a toy that was better than his or one he did not have amongst his possessions I would try my best to hide it because I knew the moment he saw it, it became his.
Despite his memory annoying me I could not help but laugh at myself for remembering him the moment my father brought out the mint and the chocolate ice creams from the refrigerator. He scooped one of each then mounted them on his cone. I laughed before taking the chocolate ice cream jar, a spoon and leading the way to the living room to go and watch a movie with my dad. We ate our ice cream and and laughed our hearts out at scenes that weren't necessarily funny. I kissed my dad on the cheek before retreating to my bedroom to get a good night's sleep. Deep down I knew my father was hoping I would gather the courage to face the school tomorrow but I was not ready and I was not going to fake it because I knew very well I would not make it past the day in one piece .
I took my earphones and plugged them in my ears and played Bluestone Alley to calm down. As I was falling asleep I heard a loud knock on my door. At first I tried to ignore it but it kept getting louder and louder. I wondered what exactly my dad wanted at such an odd hour and why he was making so much noise but forced myself to wake up. I put on my bedroom slippers and my night gown before proceeding to unlock the door. I opened the door with so much force because I was annoyed but the moment my eyes met Liam's I became agitated. He had the guts to come and knock on my door, late in the night and come in without asking for my permission first. I screamed and yelled almost instantly
" Get the hell out of my room Liam. What are you even doing here. You stupid scheming, backstabbing son of a..... "
" listen to me please "
" Get out! "
" Ronnie "
" Get out Liam "
" Ronnie please "
" I said get out. Why are you here huh? Why? To make fun of me, to see how pathetic I look. Well I'm not crying anymore but YOU, you need to leave right now! "
" Give me a chance to explain myself "
" Explain what? There is nothing to explain. You just need to leave, I am sick and tired of people treating me like I am some........ "
" I like you "
" What? ", my jaw dropped
" Actually I love you "
" huh? " my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.
" I am in love with you Ronnie "
" Okay stop. You're gay Liam everyone knows that. How do you, how can you be in love with me? "
" Can you let me explain myself now? "
" Yes " I walk to my bed to take a seat as he starts speaking pacing up and down.
" As you know when I first moved here it was just my mother, my three sisters and I. Growing up I never really had many friends and I hung out with my sister's friends instead that's why I know so much about makeup and fashion and other feminine stuff. My first days at school were hard until I was labelled homosexual and everyone bought it. It was like I was being forced to accept something I had not chosen for myself . People started slowly accepting me after that nobody mentioned it again because they all thought they had figured it out. My family had always thought that I was homosexual and when the school called them to discuss the issue they accepted it without even consulting me. Slowly I started wearing shoes that were not mine but Jen knew the truth. I knew I couldn't be anything else without stirring trouble for myself and I did not want to lose you because it seemed like our friendship depended mostly on my sexuality . The reason I ghost on you sometimes is because it hurts me how you waste your time chasing someone who doesn't see you. That's why I didn't try to do anything because despite everything I've done for you, it's just not enough for you to see something that even Jen figured out. I am tired of just being the other guy and hearing about your obsession with Kyle over and over again and.............. . "
" Wait so you think all this is just going to pay for the fact that you left me when I was most vulnerable. When I needed you? You are just like all of them, you claimed to be something you aren't for so many years and now you think telling me you love me is just going to magically fix everything. You are a liar and thank you for calling me obsessed, I really needed to hear that as an apology. Now get out Liam! "
" But...... "
" But what? You want me to obsess over you too? Get out! "
At that point I nearly burst with anger. I didn't know who I was more angry at Liam for being a lie or me for not seeing through it all and at that moment it dawned on me that my father probably knew that he was not gay. All those jokes about him and I being together started to make sense to me. Everyone close to him had figured it out, except me.
That night in my bed so many thoughts were running in my mind . I wanted to confront so many people about so many things. I was desperate to know why so many people let labels that were not true stick. I wanted to know why Jen became such a bad friend to me when my parents split. I wondered why my father had never told me something he knew all along but most importantly I wanted Kyle to tell me why I was always second best to him, why I was never enough and why he led me on only to lead me astray.
What does one seek during confrontation?
A reasonable explanation for unreasonable behavior?
To be convinced to choose something good over something right?
Why are we constantly seeking healing and the feet of those who hurt us?
Why do we always feel indebted to people we give our all?
How much does it hurt to figure out that you've wanted something all your life that you can't love?
How much will you give away just to get someone who isn't worth your time?
How do you feel knowing that you lie awake thinking about someone who's in love with other people?
Aren't you tired of hating yourself for not being the one?
Aren't you guilty of stealing your happiness to make other people happy?
Aren't you desperate to be someone else just so people could see you differently?
If you become who you've always wanted to be.
Will you be someone you're proud of and ready to own?