A week has passed since my call with Bam and I've still made no move. Well, I did. I thought a lot about the things he said and about what I'd actually want to do in case Rosie agreed. But that was about it. It was better this way though, both she and I got more time to ourselves, to reflect and process the fact that we've actually confessed to each other, which still wasn't quite clicking with me.
I didn't want to move too fast, and also wanted to make sure that once I actually did make a move everything would be just the way it was supposed to. No way in hell was I going to allow myself to mess up and let her slip past my fingers. That's why I dedicated all my free time to thoughts of her. Not that I didn't every other day, but this time, I thought about how to make sure she would be happy and comfortable in case she said yes to a date.
It was still so fresh in my mind that just thinking the word "date" made butterflies arise in my stomach and my head spin. If Rosie said yes, I would be taking her out on a date.
The idea still didn't quite resonate with me, as it was too surreal for my brain to comprehend. But whenever I told myself this was now my reality, and something that could actually happen, my mind went into overdrive, as I began overthinking everything I've said and done since the day I met her. The more I started doubting myself for reading the signs wrong, the more insecure I got. But there's only so much one can make themselves feel insecure about when she herself told me how she felt.
Spur of the moment or not, she did like me. I wasn't as sure of the love part since it has been quite the emotional rollercoaster for her, but she wanted me. I was who she wanted, who made her happy, and that was enough for me at the moment. Maybe because that's exactly how I felt. I came to understand that a while ago, that she was the person who made me feel the most loved, cared for, while also planting the biggest smile on my features. It was a long time since I've loved this girl, it just hasn't quite reached my brain until a few weeks ago. But now that it did, I was always on the edge of screaming into my pillow because the excitement at the revelations she felt the same was just too much.
Rosie and I had our conversation about how we felt a week ago and since then, we never came back to it, both being too shy and scared to bring it up. I wasn't that scared actually, I just thought that since I already knew how she felt, I might ask her out instead. To me, it sounded like a good plan, seeing as I wasn't willing to spend more time than absolutely necessary without weaving our fingers together and holding her close. In all honesty, the thing I wanted the most was to be able to call her mine, to kiss her, and hold her whenever I wanted. To show the world that Rosie Park was indeed dating the idiot Lalisa Manoban, that she was dating me. But if she needed space, I would, by all means, respect that. That's why I wanted to go slow on her, not overwhelming her with feelings all at once.
She, on the other hand, seemed to be scared, as she hasn't even brought the subject up. And if it wasn't for her not so subtle stares, blushes and 'accidental' brushes of her hands against mine, that almost always resulted in her having a flushed face, I would think that it was all created in my head. I knew she didn't regret what she said, it was obvious, even to me, from the way she acted whenever I was around.
But even with her shy nature, I could see she wanted to say something. She attempted to once or twice anyway, which was always an adorable sight to see, as she fiddled with her fingers nervously, pink tinge spreading all around her plump cheeks.
Rosie turned into a stuttering mess every time, not being quite able to finish her sentence whenever our eyes met, and for once, I was glad. Because this time, I wanted to be the one to take the initiative. I wanted to show her I was willing to fight too, just as I was willing to wait.
It was sort of frustrating though because suddenly it felt strange holding her hand and inviting her over. We were still friends, but at the same time, we were so much more than that, and I didn't mean just soulmates this time. Things have changed between us, well, not really since both of us felt like this for a long time. But now that it was out in the open, no secrets between us, we grew inhibited and cautious. And as much as I wanted to hold her hand like so many times before, I always grew shy, just like she has.
And that's exactly why I was now in my current situation. Because a week has finally passed, and I have finally decided on what I wanted to do, seeing as during the past few days she showed no signs of not being ready for the question. If anything, she looked just as eager to do something about our situation, as I was.
One would think that after seven days that I was given, I would have everything figured out, except, I didn't.
"Hey, so I was thinking. You, me, dinner-"
"So, what are you doing tonight, I'd love to take you out-"
"Consider this your lucky day because you're single and so am I, so can I take you out-"
"For fuck's sake why can't you be normal for once," I threw my hands up in frustration as I stared at my reflection in the bathroom's mirror, in front of which I've been practicing exactly how I was going to ask the older girl out for the past thirty minutes. And I still had nothing. Just me leaning on the counter, doing very weird motions with my hands to emphasize my point, while choosing not so right words. I was hopeless...and presumably, pathetic.
How could I not overthink this though? I mean, she was Roseanne Park for God's sake. The Roseanne Park. The only person who made me go into a frenzy over the smallest details. Who made my heart thump against my ribcage, giving me the impression it would break my ribs one by one any second. I couldn't just ask her like it was nothing. And I also couldn't ask her like it was something. Even though it was probably the biggest, most crucial moment in my entire love life, if not life in general.
And still, here I was, making a fool out of myself and practicing my speech in front of a mirror. God, this was not like me, but then again, nothing I experienced while having the honor of knowing Rosie Park was.
She made me feel crazy, stupid, and completely and utterly senseless, with as much as a brush of her fingers against my skin or a simple look. I was a changed woman since the day I met her, and that, in more ways than one.
Other than the fact that she kicked out every other person to ever occupy my mind and settling in herself, my actions changed completely as well as my cool. Because right now, or any other time she was around really, my cool was nonexistent. Sure, my overflowing confidence might have been a mask to hide the insecurities I was deeply feeling, but that was just about half of it. I mean, I was aware of my looks and body, I knew I was quite desirable so when it came to wanting something, I was quite confident. Not in an arrogant, cocky way, but in a way where I knew what I wanted and strived to get it. But with Rosie around, this ability seemed to disappear at her feet, as I ducked my head down shily.
Then again, that's what the whole soulmate thing was about, wasn't it? Challenging you and not letting you have your way without standing up to you. Showing me she could keep up with me and the stunts I pulled, keeping me on my toes. Yeah, that was Rosie alright. Always there to remind me that no matter what happened, I would always be, just like Jennie, a little gay mouse in her presence. Completely devoted to her, ready to walk through fire for the girl I cared about the most. And though I might not have been entirely gay, seeing as I was still exploring those parts of myself, I was certainly whipped for the blonde. She really did have me wrapped around her finger.
And as different as I was in her presence, it was a good kind. She might have had control over me, which I will admit, might not be the best thing, but that was entirely my fault. I caught myself slipping and that was on me. Thinking about it some more though the fact that she had power over me wasn't actually bad. I mean, I always thought it would be, one should always be in control of themselves and I was, just not as much as I was used to. But then again, I've never felt a love this strong before. Besides, I knew her.
I knew and trusted Rosie with my whole being and if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that she would never hurt anyone. She was too kind, too sweet, and too gentle to be able to hurt another living soul, let alone someone she cared about. So even though she was the sole owner of my heart, seeing as it no longer beat for the reasons of my existence but for her, I knew it was in good hands. That it would be protected and safe from all danger in the warm softness of her palms
Here I went with the sappy thoughts again. She really did change me, I chuckled at that, as I remembered perfectly just how big of a dislike I had for all cheesy things. They weren't really my cup of tea. I found them stupid and unrealistic, and the only positive thing about it was the fact that people forgot their sorrows and unfulfilled fantasies, in the world directors and writers created. Because no matter how sweet those things that played out on the movie screens or were written on the white pages of novels were, they would never happen. None of those were ever based on real-life events, were they? And in case they were, it never had a happy ending. Life wasn't a movie and it certainly didn't have happy endings, and for some of us, not even a happy intermission.
In my opinion, there was no such thing as true love, soulmates, or happily ever afters. Those were things that humans created so they wouldn't feel miserable when their lives haven't played out the way they wanted them to. Since always, people wrote and captured things they couldn't have on paper. It filled them with a sense of ownership. Like they had exactly what they wanted because it had been written on something they could hold on to, turn around, keep in their pockets. It was an escape and a way to feel better at the same time. But those things didn't make any of it real.
We lived in a world where love hasn't meant much anymore. Now, all that people seemed to care about was money, status, and what others thought of them, rather than what they thought of themselves. I've never considered the things in movies and books to be real, not even in the past. But at least in the past, romance seemed to be at least somewhat alive. And while some would argue that romance was still alive and well, I would have to disagree. That was until I saw my best friend fall in love, and until I felt what it was like myself.
Since then, I didn't consider those cheesy romance movies that were so loved by the general public, so far fetched anymore. I still believed that they were way too extra, and some of those things that they portrayed as acts of love were just pure toxic - like that one time in The Notebook where Noah threatened Allie that he would kill himself unless she'd go on a date with him. Things like that were not okay, no matter how you looked at them, and plenty of films had parts like that, that just didn't make sense.
But despite those parts, there was still the rest of the movie. There were the cheesy bits that some swooned over and some cringed. I used to identify with the letter but now that I've seen how Jennie acted around Jisoo, or how I was in the presence of the blonde that held my heart captured, I understood completely.
Love made you do crazy things. Things normal people would never do because they weren't out of their minds. They weren't overthinking every little detail of their life, and their minds weren't filled to the brim with the essence of another. No, those people would never understand. I would know since I used to be one of them.
I, who was a strong believer that no parts of romance films and novels were true, learned just how foolish that thinking was. Those things, aside from the clearly messed up ones, were very real, you just had to find someone who would bring out those feelings in you. You had to find that special someone that brought out all the love and all the emotion that one could feel. Only then you would be able to understand that for the people we loved, we would do anything, even if we would find it cheesy had it been in a movie.
For me, that someone wasn't Jungkook or any of those silly boys I've dated before him, as I've thought. My mind was clouded by who I was expected to be, who my family thought I ought to be. I was foolish for having accepted the ideals others set for me, instead of following my own. My whole life, I wasn't my own person, I was someone who others wanted me to be. I've pretended for so long, I've forgotten who I truly was.
That all changed the day I met her, the day I met Rosie. The girl who changed my perception of the world and myself. Who helped me get back to the person I was and brought out the best in me even though no one asked her to. Because that's just the way she was, always seeing the good in people even at her own expense. The girl who made me realize I've become the character in every cheesy movie because I was doing the same thing they were.
So even if I realized all these things, I still stood frozen, leaning against the bathroom counter with my head down, pondering on how exactly was I to ask her the question that was swarming around my mind since the face time call with my brother. I was indeed, hopeless.
One simple question and I still haven't been able to figure out the right way to ask her. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was. And I was guessing, the overwhelming feelings I had for her, were the reason. This was so stupid, how could one feel this way about anyone. It was still a mystery to me. Just how was it possible for a person to have so much control over someone else, to the point where they were gripping the edges of their bathroom sink in frustration because they were unable to form a coherent sentence. And she wasn't even standing in front of me.
But I had to give myself some credit. After all, this wasn't your usual situation. This was one of those situations that would surely be used as a plot to some stupid romance novel, but here I was, living my cheesy romance life. And still, I smiled widely as my heart fluttered. All because of one girl who I was about to ask on a date. She didn't even have to physically be here for my heart to race and a wide smile stretch across my features. I only needed the memory of her and knowledge I would get to see her glowing face soon.
My feelings of frustration were soon to be replaced with those of pure ecstasy and nervousness as if I only now fully realized what it was, that I was about to do in my near future. This all seemed too unreal, too good to be true. Even though she could still decline, then my heart would be shattered even if I would understand completely - seeing as she just got out of a relationship with someone else. But then again, she didn't love Sooyoung, she didn't even like her like that for a pretty long time. So there wasn't an issue of her getting out of a relationship, but more of her trust getting another crack in it. I could only hope she still trusted me.
And if she said no, I would still be there for her as a friend. I would wait patiently for that day to come, where maybe she would be ready for something more than just a friendship. No matter how long it would take, I would wait, because I knew there was no way my heart would belong to anyone else.
Either she accepted or not, I knew how she felt about me so I wasn't all that afraid.
Okay, that was a lie. I was fucking terrified. I wanted this to work and I wanted to be able to kiss her again because, after the first time it happened, it hasn't left my mind once. Whenever I reached up to touch my lips, it was as if all my senses were heightened and I remembered distinctively how she tasted, how the soft pillows of her flesh moved against mine in an unknown delicacy. Not a second in my life since the kiss has passed, that I hadn't missed the contact.
Coming to the decision I wasn't about to waste another half an hour staring miserably into the mirror in the bathroom, I pushed myself up and nodded my head at my reflection. I could do this. I knew what I wanted, I might not have a plan in mind nor a way to execute this nonexisting plan, but at least I knew what it was that I was after. If I couldn't figure out what to do now, I would just have to improvise. Who knows, maybe this way it would turn out the best.
I might have not known how to ask, but I surely knew what I was going to ask. There was a plan already in my mind in case she said yes to my invitation, which I really hoped she would. Just thinking about it made the butterflies in my tummy awaken all over again, as I ran a hand through my hair in hopes of relieving stress.
What Bam said made sense. There shouldn't be a problem with this whole thing seeing as she wanted me, liked me, maybe even loved me for quite a while now. But still, I wanted to make sure I was being respectful. If there was one thing I would pay extra attention to, it was her comfort and space. No matter how she felt about me, I wanted to make sure I wasn't pushing anything or making her feel like I disregarded her feelings like they didn't matter. Because they did. There was nothing more important to me than knowing she felt comfortable.
I also knew Rosie wasn't one of the girls who were exactly fond of extravagant and fancy dates. Everyone likes to be wined and dined every once in a while, but there were people like the two of us, for whom once in a while really meant just that, and weren't too keen on it. Both of us considered those kinds of dates to fit a special occasion more, like anniversaries or those dates you took your significant others the day you were planning to propose or something. Even though I wasn't in love with that idea either since I was a fan of simplicity rather than grand gestures and expensive bottles of champagnes with diamond rings sinking in the glasses.
Therefore, I decided that I was going to make this date to be less...too much. I wanted it to be us, not other people if that made sense. While others might have preferred expensive restaurants, both of us preferred the simplicity of things. It wasn't that I wasn't willing to take her out to a fancy restaurant or anything, I just knew her better than that. I knew that what I had in mind would be something she would appreciate more. But there were still some touchups to be made. I would just figure those out on the way though. Either way, if she said yes, I would make sure she would enjoy herself and I would definitely be drawing a smile from her the whole date. Because no matter how much I saw it, I still couldn't get enough of it.
Breathing in with my nose and exhaling through my mouth, I pointed my index finger at my own reflection, "You can do this!" and turned around to walk out of the bathroom, only to turn back around as soon as I reached the door, "I can't do this!"
This was certainly turning into something much harder than I initially anticipated. I've always thought asking someone on a date was not such a big deal like everyone made it out to be. It was just a simple question, after all, wasn't it?
Apparently, my brain seemed to disagree. What I felt for Rosie was unprecedented, irrational and dangerous, yet simultaneously so exhilarating. All logic seemed to be thrown out of the window whenever I was in her proximity, as the left part of my brain seemed to completely shut down. And now, just thinking about asking her the question, that I still haven't figured out, made me go crazy with no logical thinking to it.
Maybe love really did make people crazy because right now, I felt like I should've been locked up somewhere. I wasn't the smartest person out there, but my mind was pretty sharp. I kept my cool and thought things through without making a fool of myself. But now, my mind has turned into a mush that most certainly couldn't be used for thinking of anything other than blonde locks flowing in the wind. Or pearly white teeth that showed themselves whenever I made the older smile.
There I went again. Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. She really was the only thing I could ever think about. This couldn't be healthy for my sanity, but at the end of the day she was the one keeping me sane, so in a way maybe it was better for my mind to be filled with her image. As much as the thought of her was nerve-racking, or of the date to be more precise, it was also calming, providing my body with comfort. It's like she was always with me and I carried her in the depths of my heart where I kept her safe, just how she did for me.
Once again taking a deep breath in to compose my raging heart, I straightened my posture and walked out of the bathroom into the cold hallway and into my room. My body carried me into my room out of habit, seeing as my mind was floating somewhere in the clouds - searching for Rosies lost halo, that I haven't even noticed I've been standing in front of my bed with a stupid grin on my face.
I saw it clearly like it was yesterday, the two of us, in the middle of the mattress, holding each other close. It replayed like a movie in my mind, like I was not even a part of what has happened rather than an audience. I felt as if I was standing above our bodies snuggled together under the sheets, following the line of sight of the past me who was looking at Rosie like she was the most important thing in the world. I saw myself lean forward and planting a kiss on the crown of her head, so gentle that it barely touched her and still, I looked more than happy.
Soon the morning light shone through the windows and I've watched myself lift my hand up to shield the blonde's eyes from the prying rays of sunlight wanting to stir the sleeping beauty awake. And there it was again, that smile that I've never thought would adorn my face. From the third-person view, I could see the love in my own gaze as it was palpable in the air just how much I loved her. I could see it all in every look, every small or big gesture towards the girl who I was cradling in my arms as she slept peacefully, completely unaware of the real world.
It has become a routine by now, getting sidetracked by memories of golden locks spread across my fluffy pillows, and chubby cheeks pressed against my chest. Every time I walked inside the room, I had to stop for a minute to take in the sight that mind so graciously projected of the two of us lying on the bed comfortably, bathing in the morning sun.
And just like every other time, I sucked my lips in only to fail in suppressing the grin that I would break out in. I couldn't help myself, I tried not acting foolish and crazy, as a lovesick teenager would, but I always seemed to fail. Everywhere I went, I seemed to be reminded of her presence, whether it was the campus or the lecture halls, or even when I sat down in my car. I saw her everywhere, and there was nothing I could do about it, not that I ever tried.
Shaking my head from one side to another with the grin still present on my lips, I walked towards the closet to pick out some clothes for me to wear for the day. Since today would be the day when I'd gather up my courage and ask her on a date, I wanted to make sure I'd look dashing. Well, as dashing as one should for a casual date. God, I was still way too nervous about this whole thing, the simple task of picking out the right outfit, with which I've never struggled before, became a problem now.
Not wanting to be overdressed nor underdressed, I decided on something simple and just in case checked my weather app to see if it would rain or get cold later so I would at least have some hints on what to wear. If my brain couldn't come up with anything, the weather forecast surely would.
I decided to opt for something more summery hence the app said that we would be getting eighteen degrees celsius which was pretty warm. Reaching forward, I grabbed my favorite pair of jeans - black ripped ones, and a simple white tee. It might not have been the most dashing nor original outfit but it would suffice for a simpler date if she agreed to it that is. If not, this outfit would fit the 'I'm sad and eating ice cream' look as well. Perfection was truly hidden in simplicity.
In case Rosie would agree, which I constantly tried telling myself was highly possible to ease my nerves - not that it was really helping, I definitely wouldn't want to part ways early. I wanted her to myself for as long as possible and therefore I checked what the temperature would be later in the evening.
I asked Jisoo what classes she had today so I could come to surprise her and ultimately highjack her in case she accepted. The raven-haired girl told me that her last class was ending later in the day, nearing the evening, but hence their dorm wasn't that far from the lecture hall she would be in, I was sure she would be dressed lightly. Not that it really mattered because the weather would still be warm at six in the afternoon but according to the weather forecast, it would get chillier in the evening.
And since Rosie had no idea of our date that I planned, she might be slightly underdressed for the colder temperatures of the night. I didn't want her to be cold of course, so I racked through the jackets hanging down from the wooden hangers and picked out a Celine letterman that I would surely end up draping over her shoulders later into the night.
Looking myself over in the mirror, I was satisfied with my choice of clothing as I smiled at my reflection encouragingly, feeling my stomach stir in uneasiness already. Asking such questions really was nerve-racking, especially when you were about to ask someone who had power over all your emotions, someone who you were yearning for, for the longest time.
Even in my mind, I knew I was repeating myself over and over again, but it couldn't be helped. The same thoughts were swirling around my head, making me feel insecure about this whole thing even more than I initially was. I felt a mixture of different emotions - anxiety, nervousness, insecurity, but happiness, and excitement all the same. And with my heart pounding in my ears, I didn't seem to be able to think clearly, my mind completely in a whirlwind, repeating the same things again and again. This was ridiculous, I was being ridiculous, completely, and utterly ridiculous.
But how could I not? It was Rosie. And I have fallen in too deep to think rationally.
...
I talked to Jisoo over the phone earlier to make sure I would be able to find Rosie, and she told me when and where her last class of the day was. So now, I was making my way towards the building where she had her econ 101 class, enjoying the warmth the sun was providing, as it shone upon my exposed arms.
Today was a really nice day, there weren't any clouds littering the sky and shielding away the sun, therefore the weather was warm, but not too much, seeing as it was accompanied by a light breeze. I was glad it didn't rain or wasn't too cold because I really didn't want to postpone my question any longer, and I wanted the weather to be nice in case she agreed.
On my way to the building in which Rosie would be situated, I stopped by a coffee shop we had on campus and got her a cup of latte with soy milk, knowing the girl preferred it over the regular.
Upon reaching the building I lifted up my wrist to check the time, only to see that I still had ten minutes before students started to emerge from behind the closed door. Looking around, I noticed a bench not far from the entrance of the building and walked towards it to sit down.
Folding the letterman across the backrest, I sat down gingerly and sighed. It didn't bother me in the slightest that I had to wait, the thing that did bother me however was the raging butterflies in my stomach that haven't stopped fluttering their wings ever since my talk to the mirror this morning. If it wasn't for the steaming cup of coffee settled between my palms, I knew for a fact I'd be fiddling with my fingers anxiously and keep taking peaks at my wristwatch in hopes the time would just go faster.
I was truly dreading the moment she would walk out of that door because that would mean there was no way out anymore. Of course, I wanted to do this, I've wanted it for so long and I've prepared myself for asking her for a while now, but it still felt so new, so fresh. I was actually going to do it. It was like it didn't quite register with me up until now that I was sitting here, waiting for her. But more than feeling the dread of the inevitable moment that was to come, I felt excitement laced with a bit of anxiousness.
It's like when you're on a rollercoaster and your cart has finally reached the top of the fall. You're excited to let go, to feel free as the wind is going to ruffle your hair and the speed make your insides float. You know that once you're riding down the steep hill, it's going to feel amazing, like you're above it all, flying towards freedom. You know that even though you're going to scream your lungs out because let's face it, falling is terrifying, you're going to love it nonetheless.
But just like the excitement and eagerness, the fright was also present. Before every big moment in your life, every fall and every leap, a part of you would always be scared. Change and taking a risk were both scary, but it depended on the person which emotion would outweigh the other. If being affraid was something you would build on, rather than the excitement.
For me, as scared as I was, more than anything, I was excited. As much as I feared to catch a glimpse of the blonde hair falling in waves past her shoulders, the exhilaration was much stronger. That was the foundation I wanted to start building on. The rush, the anticipation, the speeding heart rate, as I imagined her sending me a smile once she noticed me.
With those thoughts in mind, I chased all the worries away. No matter what her answer would be, I would make the most out of it. If she said yes, I would be exuberant, overjoyed, euphoric, basically, over the moon kind of happy. If she said no, well, I would have to accept that, but I would still do my absolute best to be the friend she deserved and maybe become more over time. Either way, today wasn't going to be the end of anything. No, it was going to be a new start for us. And this time, it would start with happy smiles rather than rolls of the eyes.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, successfully breaking me out of my thoughts, and I let go of the coffee with one of my hands to fish out the phone out of my jeans. Sucking my lips in, I opened the messaging app, as all I saw were exclamation marks from Jennie, and knowing her for as long as I did, it was not a good sign.
Jen :
YOU'RE ASKING HER OUT?!?!
AND YOU DIDNT BOTHER TO TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND?!
OH MY GOD, ARE YOU ACTUALLY?!!!!
!!!!!
AND TO THINK I WOULDNT EVEN KNOW IF IT WASN'T FOR JISOO
Hey Jen, I might have forgotten to mention it?
I tried innocently but knowing full well it wasn't going to work, I furrowed my brows and did my best puppy eyes look as if she could actually see me. Biting my lip in anticipation of her next text, I tried to think of the best was of telling the brunette the reason behind my silence about the matter.
Of course, I was going to tell her, she was my best friend, after all, my first real friend and the closest person I had to a sister. I just didn't want to tell her before it actually happened, knowing exactly what kind of reaction I would receive. I was nervous enough, and her fussing over it, and over the fact, I was indeed going to ask a girl out, would surely not ease my already raging nerves.
Besides, when I get nervous or insecure over something, Jennie switches into overprotective older sister mode, and just as her fussing, that was not what I needed. I didn't want her to worry for me or about the result and my emotional state in case I was rejected. I was definitely going to tell her, but after I asked Rosie, no matter what her answer would be.
I was going to tell you after I asked her.
Knowing you, you would be worried if I'd be okay if she said no and I didn't want you to be all concerned
But I realized maybe I didn't have to be worried about her being worried for me at all. If anything, she seemed to have more faith in this whole thing than me, Bam and Jisoo combined.
Jen :
IF SHE SAID NO?!
ARE YOUR EYES OKAY?!
No Jen, I wear glasses remember
Jen :
DONT BE ALL SMART WITH ME
YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN
With the way she looks at you, there's no way her answer is going to be anything short of positive
I get why you didn't tell me, I'm sorry I freaked out
I'M JUST SUPER EXCITED!!!
I've been a Chaelisa shipper for forever :)
Chaelisa?
Jen :
Yeah
Chaeyoung and Lisa
Chaelisa
Duh!
Chuckling at her silliness, I typed a quick reply to tell her I had to go and stuffed my phone back into my pocket before resuming my staring at the glass door in anticipation.
Both of my hands were back to clutching the coffee cup in hopes that maybe its warmth would provide me with some much-needed comfort to calm my nerves. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to work and all my resolve to not check my watch every other second crumbled as I did just that, and twisted my wrist just enough so I would see the previous ten minutes, turned into three.
Panic started to rise within me and I had to remind myself to actually breathe because suffocating before I got the chance to ask her was definitely not part of the plan. Letting go of the cup with the same hand as before, I placed it on my chest to feel my heart. Finding the spot where my heart beat didn't take long, seeing as my chest felt like it was going to combust any second now, and I tried to sync my heartbeat with the slow breaths I adapted to calm down.
At one point I had to let go of the cup entirely, placing it next to me carefully so it wouldn't fall over and spill on the floor because my hands were starting to shake and get clammy, and I didn't want to end up with a coffee stain on my white shirt nor a stain on the white cup from perspiration.
It took me a minute or so before I could take the cup between my palms again and for my heartbeat to calm down. My chest was still heaving and the butterflies still reminded me of their presence as they were unwilling to leave me alone, but I calmed down at least a little bit. I mean, there's only so much calm one can feel before asking someone on a date.
Oh my fucking God, I'm actually asking her on a date. This is actually happening, oh God, I'm not ready for this, I look like a fucking mess, oh God!
Only now did it seem to finally register with me but before I had the chance to completely and utterly freak out and eventually pass out, the double door was swung open and hoards of student started piling out of the building.
I couldn't see her at first, there were way too many people to notice one in particular but soon enough I realized that thinking was false. The reason why I couldn't see her was not because of the number of people exiting the building, but simply because she was still inside. How did I know that?
Because my breath hitched the second I got a glimpse of her smile as she talked to one of her classmates. Because her smile was all it took for me to know it was her, to find her, the second she stepped out of the shadow of the inside of the building. The moment she was walking out, I saw her, my eyes seemed to find her straight away even between what felt like hundreds of other people around. She was the only one to catch my attention. She always has been.
And all I could do was stare as my pulse quickened and lips parted in complete awe, as she walked towards the door completely unaware to the fool who was no longer sitting but standing up. Completely unaware of the question that was so desperately begging to be uttered.
It was supposed to be noisy and loud, I wasn't supposed to hear anything but chatter from the students, but all I could hear was the thumping in my ears from the way my pulse was going through the roof. Everything else was silent.
My surroundings became a blur and all my vision could focus on was the beautiful blonde girl who turned her head around as she simultaneously ran a hand through her wavy hair. And the second her head turned the full ninety degrees, her eyes connected with mine, and suddenly I could no longer breathe.
Even with the mass of people between us, the eye contact we held was so intense and somewhat intimate, that even though she was still several feet away, I felt like she was right here, in front of me.
I didn't dare as much as blink, worried that the slightest pause between our staring would disrupt whatever it was, that was going on. Without turning her head away, or breaking our eye contact, I saw her lips move as she must've said goodbye to her friend. But even then, her eyes were glued to mine, not leaving them for a second as she walked towards me.
Her hair was swaying from one side to the other, as she walked past whoever was in her way, and it was only when she was standing in front of me, was I able to breathe again. And even though she was now less than three feet away, I could say nothing. I was rendered speechless by her presence and I could do nothing other than stare and wonder, how could anyone be this beautiful.
Breaking our intense staring competition I let my eyes roam her figure. She had a simple olive green tee on with a V-neck cut and some high waisted black jeans. It was a simple outfit but to me, she looked truly breathtaking and I found myself silently gasping for air as I looked back up to see her wide smile and loving eyes. And at that moment it took all resolve in me not to just lean in and kiss her as my heart clenched in my chest.
"Hey," I chocked out after what felt like an eternity.
"Hi," she replied and from the way she breathed it out so quietly and gently, I could tell that maybe I was not the only one whose breath got caught in the back of their throat, "w-what are you doing here?" pink tinge appeared across her plump cheeks at her small stutter, and I instinctively reached my hand forward to pinch her cheek, only to stop myself just in time.
"I brought you coffee," I said instead, and extended my right hand which was holding onto the paper cup, "with soy milk,"
Her pink-tinged cheeks have now turned crimson, as she darted her eyes anywhere but at me and smiled shyly, "Thank you," she uttered and fingered the edge of the cup.
The previously felt jitters turned into full-on stomach acrobatics at the adorable sight, and I sucked in my lips to repress the stupid grin that was threatening to grow only to fail in the end. She was too adorable not to smile upon, and this time when I reached my hand forward without stopping myself.
But instead of taking her hand in mine, I took the books she was holding out of her grasp and put them under my right arm where I held them securely, stuffing the few pens she had placed on top into the pockets of my jeans. Before she had the chance to say anything, I gave her a cheeky grin and brushed the fingers of my left hand against hers, and entwined them together.
Her head shot up, not expecting me to take her hand in mine so bluntly. I couldn't blame her for her surprise, we haven't touched in any way for the past week and I had to admit, even I got surprised at the electricity that passed through me the second my skin touched hers. It was like I've forgotten just how intently she made me feel with the smallest of things.
Grabbing my letterman from the bench with my free hand, I threw it over my shoulder, and looked back at a still stunned and blushing Rosie with a smile, as I tugged on her hand. I wasn't sure how I wanted to initiate this or how I wanted for this conversation to go, so I simply started walking to nowhere particular, hoping I would muster up the courage to ask her as soon as possible.
"How was the lecture," I asked, deciding to make small conversation before asking the big question, and ignoring the tingles all across my body when she squeezed our interlocked hands.
"It was good, we learned about marketing strategies today. I feel like a lot of people think that economics is boring when actually it really isn't. It's pretty interesting if anything," she stated proudly and took a sip of her coffee.
A droplet of the brown liquid stayed on her lips and I watched her tongue dart out to lick it. Quickly averting my gaze in hopes of forgetting about the thought of me licking the coffee of her lips instead, I hummed in acknowledgment.
"Yeah, I think it's pretty cool too," I had no idea what the fuck they taught in economics class.
"So," she started, "you haven't answered my question," she nudged my side teasingly.
"Hmm, I can't seem to remember what you're talking about," I decided to play dumb as I grinned at the blonde, who rolled her eyes playfully.
"What are you doing here?" she repeated her question from earlier.
"I wanted to see you, is all," I shrugged nonchalantly even though that wasn't exactly what I came for. I mean, I did miss her and wanted to see her. I missed her every time I wasn't with her so any excuse to see her was greatly appreciated in my mind.
"Missed me?" she smirked and took another sip of her coffee.
Reaching my right hand forward, I took the coffee cup out of her hand, successfully surprising the blonde, and lifted it up to my lips. Twisting it in my hand until the lipstick stain from when she took a sip was right in front of me, I placed my lips directly atop where hers left a mark and took a sip.
"I did," I stated as I let my tongue sweep my lower lip for any trace of coffee left behind, before handing the cup back to Rosie who was now blushing profusely.
"Actually, there was something I wanted to talk to you about," I started venturing the subject that was on my mind.
She hummed, letting me know she was listening and I led her down the path we were walking down until we were in a more secluded area that wasn't bustling with students. I came to a stop under a larger Tipuana tree and she stopped as well, eyeing me carefully, as I took in a deep breath and turned around fully to face her.
"To be honest, I don't know how to do this," I confessed and saw worry cross her features, with panic flashing in her eyes, so I quickly continued, not wanting her to get the wrong impression, "I don't want to pretend like what I said before wasn't real, because it was. And I don't want to keep hiding things away from you. It's like you said, we have to communicate, so I want to communicate Rosie.
I meant every single word I said that night and the next morning and not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about it, about what I wanted. It's selfish, I know. Only thinking about what I want and need, but I can't help it, I wish I could be more selfless but I can't with you around." I smiled a little and stepped closer to the confused blonde, reaching my hand forward to caress her cheek.
"Will you go on a date with me Rosie? Because I don't want to share you with anyone and if it's what you want as well, I would love to give us a try." I finished with a hopeful look in my eyes, as I scanned her features for any signs of what her reply might be, only to find none.
She seemed stoic, stunned, shocked and I was starting to get worried I crossed a line. That she indeed wasn't ready and I foolishly thought she might, that I read all the signs wrong, that everyone around me was wrong. My heart rate picked up again and all I wanted to do was bring my hand up in hopes of squeezing the beating organ, so it would stop thumping so loudly.
Rosie was quiet, she didn't say a single word and the longer has passed with her staying silent, the more worried I became. I wanted to open my mouth and tell her I wasn't being serious, that I was joking around, and that she should forget I ever said anything in the first place. But even though I was scared, and currently completely out of my mind, I didn't want to run anymore.
If she rejected me, I would accept it and be her friend, if that's what she wanted. But I wasn't going to pretend that my feelings weren't valid anymore. I wasn't going to run away from things that scared me because that's what got me into the whole mess in the first place.
Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell her it was okay, that I understood, I saw heat rush to her cheeks, as she ducked her head down. It was like my proposal has just now reached her and I took that as a good sign, as I continued waiting patiently and stroking the back of her hand that I was still holding on to.
I heard her mumble something under her breath but I couldn't quite hear her, because instead of saying it to me, she seemed to be talking to the ground beneath her. So I opted for the only thing I considered to be the right thing to do and placed a finger under her chin, making her look at me.
Our eyes connected again and I smiled warmly at her flushed cheeks and gentle almond eyes, silently telling her that whatever her answer would be, it was okay, that I was here no matter what.
A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips, as she let it grow into a shy smile and nodded her head slightly, "Yes Lisa, I would love to go on a date with you."
And it was then, that my world stopped turning.